Resolutions (529 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ReCall (View user info) at 2007-12-31 12:46:07 EST
I love the idea of resolutions in the new year. They usually go something like this:
November 28th:
"Man, that was one hell of a Thanksgiving..it's like it lasted all week. I don't even remember the last time I was hungry - I just eat whenever I see food laying around. I don't want to let it go to waste, there are hungry kids in Africa."
December 2nd:
"Mr. Johnson your LDL cholesterol levels are hovering around 290. I thought this reading was an anomaly of some sort, which is the reason I had you go in to have your blood tested twice. Furthermore, the first time you had your blood drawn the nurse complained that you refused to stop eating your Baconator sandwich during the procedure.
Mr. Johnson, I do not mean to alarm you, but this level of cholesterol is usually reserved for animals such as hippo's, bears in hibernation and obese walruses, commonly known as horse-whales.
May I suggest you cut back on fatty foods and your sodium intake?"
December 10th:
"All this shopping has got me feeling a bit peckish.
..
Hey, yeah, could I get a #3 ..yeah, sure I'll go big on that..no i'm not done yet. Could I get a crispy chicken sandwich, extra mayo no lettuce ..and..what is that an oreo cake? Ok an oreo cake. Let me get one more oreo cake, so that's two, and could I get like 7 or 8 packets of sweet and sour sauce? Alright, that's it.
Oh, and a diet coke."
December 14th:
"Mmmm.. topless doughnuts..."
December 21st:
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T FIND ME SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE ALICE!?! Well it's the holidays and it's cold out, you know I put on a little extra weight during the holidays.
..
Well have you seen YOUR fat ass recently?
...
FINE GO TO YOUR MOTHERS! SEE IF I CAR."
December 25th:
"Merry Christmas honey!
...
Yep, it's the Black Card over at Planet Fitness - we can go to any club and also free tanning! It could be like we are in Florida!
No..It's for both of us, I don't think you're fat.
..
FINE GO TO YOUR MOTHERS"
December 30th:
Hi there, I would like to schedule a personal training session on January 1st!
...
Yes..how did you know loosing weight was my new years resolution!?
January 1st:
..pant..pant..*heavy breathing*
"I think that's good for today...
I don't care if it was only a 15 minute work out. I have a bum knee OK?! And flat feet. And a glandular problem. I AM PAYING YOU OK!@?
Everyone has to start somewhere."
January 2nd:
"Man that was a good workout yesterday but I sure am sore. This is really going to pay off. I am starting to LOVE working out."
January 10th:
"Fuck this gym, I'm going to get a big mac."
-----------------------
I hope you are all a bit more successful when it comes to your resolutions.
Happy New Years
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-02 21:09:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-02 09:26:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the kid in the background is known as No the Other Fat Kid Yeah The Skinny One.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-02 09:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2007-12-31 21:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've been following me.
Submitted by dismas712 (user info) at 2007-12-31 20:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
thats the kind of picture you cant stand looking at, but you cant look away. That kids blood must be like gravy.
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2007-12-31 18:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is absolutely correct. I hate it when every year a bunch of dumb fucks crowd the gym and act like a bunch of idiots cause they don't know what excercises work which muscles. How the fuck can you not know which excercises work which muscles?!
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2007-12-31 17:08:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was, by far, the best present I got this year.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-12-31 15:09:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's saying "I can see your breast. Pass the BBQ."
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-12-31 15:02:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mr. Johnson your LDL cholesterol levels are hovering around 290. I thought this reading was an anomaly of some sort, which is the reason I had you go in to have your blood tested twice. Furthermore, the first time you had your blood drawn the nurse complained that you refused to stop eating your Baconator sandwich during the procedure.
========
MY FRICKEN' GOD!
I used to have patients who would DO THIS! It went a little like this.
Me: Ok then, stretch your arm out and lemme take a look here.
Patient (chowing down on a sandwich or something): Chew Chew Chew.
Me: Uh, sir? (or Ma'am)
Patient: Chew Chew Chew Smack Gobble
Me: Sir, could you put down your sandwich? This will only take a second.
Patient: I'm hungry.
Me: Ok, but could you still put it down? Really this won't take long at all.
Patient (extends arm but still continues to eat): Ok, go ahead.
Me: .......?!
Me: Uh, oooookay. (draws patient's blood while patient continues to eat).
Now that's some fucked up behavior right there.
Goddamn people! You won't fucking starve during the time it takes me to draw your triglyceride laden blood!!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-31 14:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't make any and you can't fail again in '08.
I made three.
1) Smoke slightly less than a pack every day except when golfing; then, smoke one cigarette per hole and you are allowed to go over the one pack per day rule
2) Drink liquor every day, if possible
C) Try and bang Mrs. Shlongy more in '08 than in 2007.
The last one shouldn't be that difficult.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-12-31 14:00:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm positive I remember reading that allowing your kid to get that fat is legaly child abuse.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-12-31 13:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That kid reminds me of a crash test dummy
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-12-31 13:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the picture. I didn't check the filename; I'm not into that shit
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-12-31 13:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I don't CAR either.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-12-31 13:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That kid has rolls in places I didn't know you could have rolls.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-12-31 12:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I laughed.
Also,
"Oh, and a diet coke."
I have heard this before. No shit. I wasn't saying it (Praise Allah), but I found it just as ironic when the lardass in front of me burbled it as when you wrote it.