Irritables (630 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DeadToast (View user info) at 2008-01-02 15:07:16 EST
Dear Newscasters:
I understand that you want to make yourselves more personable to us lowly serfs. I know that you want us to feel as if you are part of our families. This doesn't mean that you need to spend time on witty banter. It's awesome that Carol and Lou (Channel 7 ACTION TEAM!) jabber on about their whatevers, I just don't fucking care. Do you know why you will always be a local shill? Well, have you ever seen Dan Rather banter on about his new puppy and the way his kids like it after doing a report? No. Shut the fuck up and tell me where I'll have the least likely chance of getting shot today, where the traffic is, and how my stocks are doing.
Oh, and to the weather people (I refuse to call you "meteorologists") I know you don't control the weather. Hell, you have the easiest job of all; the weather writes itself. Next time Carol asks you if we have any of the "white stuff" on the way and what you can do about it; punch her in the face, come in her hair, and tell her to call it fucking SNOW.
Dear Multi-wheeled Pick-up Drivers:
Going to the farm, are we? Got some horses to haul around? Loading up some hay?
No?
Then drive a normal sized vehicle with four, just four, fucking tires. What good reason could anybody have for driving a pick-up truck with six or more wheels in the city? Is your cock so small that this is what you are reduced to? Just do what normal penile-lacking men do and buy a Porsche.
Don't think I've forgotten the ladies. "Silly boys, trucks are for chicks". My God, that is so fucking witty. See, you are telling me that I cannot possible handle a truck because I'm a man. Only a woman of your caliber could possibly handle that monster of a vehicle.
You know what else is for chicks? The kitchen. Make my fucking dinner.
Dear Cause Heads:
You have shown to me without a doubt that you have run out of causes. There is absolutely nothing left to get involved in. Why? I got two examples.
http://www.laptopgiving.org/
If you buy a laptop, they will give one to a child in a developing nation. So, forget giving them water, food, medicine, and the ability to read. We need to get these little bastards on the internet NOW! Just imagine the joy you can bring to a child when he plays World of Warcraft or finds www.freemidgetalbinoporn.com for the first time. Granted, he won't be able to read anything and he'll be too weak from hunger to use the mousepad, but we need more people receiving spam about cheap Viagra.
http://www.protectingfutures.com/?tampax
Give tampons to African girls so they don't miss school. Seriously.
I guess Africa hasn't had the problems of menstruation until just recently because now somebody wants to do something about it. I understand that they miss school during their periods, and it's sad in a "Who gives a flying rat's ass" kind of way. I mean, what have they done until now? I guess they have just managed to cope. It's not like the most pressing issue there is the red tide. I'm sure some of them don't mind missing school. When you think about it, in some of these nations being at home is the safest place you could be. At least when the local warlords come to kill your father, rape your mom, and take your little brother off to be forced into their child army you were there to say goodbye.
I guess what I'm saying is laptops and maxipads, while in their own way are super-awesome, these kids just might have some bigger problems.
Dear Teachers:
In today's climate of school violence, I can empathize that you may feel threatened by children from time to time. High school kids are freaking out left and right, killing and raping and what not. Even those pesky junior high thugs seem to be jumping on the bandwagon.
I will not accept, however, when a teacher calls the police because a six year old made his finger and thumb into a makeshift weapon of mass death and stated "BANG!". I understand the terror you must have felt at this near death experience, how the nightmares of surviving that attack must keep you awake at night, and the cold sweats you have when you relive the event. The humanity.
If you are threatened by a human that just recently stopped crapping his pants and can't yet read, you need to find a new line of work. Maybe something along the lines of running for "Biggest Pussy on Earth" office or a position at GQ. Why?
Because you are a giant fucking fairy. A six year old? Are you fucking serious? If you feel he's about to pounce, just trip him. A child that age has yet to learn to catch himself when he falls and will faceplant nicely. You will be a national hero for adverting the next major crisis.
Dear Advertisers:
There was a time when you just wanted me to buy your products. You'd tell me what it did, name a price, and let it go at that. I see you are no longer satisfied with that old method. Nope, now you attack my intelligence and hope I fall for it.
http://www.buxtonbag.com/
"Over the shoulder expandable organizer". Fancy, but for thirty years I have heard it called by another name; A PURSE.
You don't even care anymore, do you. Your commercials blantantly allude to consumers as mouth-breathing, chin-drooling retards.
I need a mouthwash dispener (http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/mouthwash_dispenser.html) because I'm too stupid to just use the bottle it came in.
I must buy a soymilk maker (http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/soyabella_soymilk_maker.html) because that shit is impossible to find. And it's so inconvienent, being premade and all.
Of course, just last night I was trying to read in the dark with my ball cap on but my hat wasn't providing enough light. I thought to myself "What if I had a coal miner's hat? But where will I get one at this hour?" You advertisers saved me when I came across this little gem (http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/bil-light_sul_black.html). Now I can read in the dark and look like a total asshat (pun intended).
Dear E! Television:
Just fucking stop.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-03 11:51:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-01-02 21:25:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh more than once.
I do wish you'd continue your Revanents series though.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-02 18:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not worthy of a perfect score.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-02 18:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-01-02 17:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They don't need Tampax. I'm sure they can just stick an ostrich egg or a small bird up there to help collect the monthly bleeding. It'd teach them to be resourceful, for one thing.
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2008-01-02 17:14:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-02 16:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I see that buxton bag advertisement all the time, the funniest part of it is when they show the "purse" getting stolen as it wasn't strapped over her shoulder like the "over the shoulder whatever."
Also, I got a cap for Christmas with LED lights in it. It's called the "Panther" and it kinda sucks, but I'm wearing it anyway, because it keeps the sun out of my eyes when it's bright, and lights my path when it's dark, even if I do look like a tool wearing it.
Submitted by StereoTypist (user info) at 2008-01-02 16:33:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I love you.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-02 16:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was in the mood for this
thanks
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-02 16:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does them advurtizurs think we is dumb?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-01-02 16:18:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-01-02 16:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. Deserves more +2s.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-01-02 15:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amen
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-02 15:37:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with all of it, except
"Dear E! Television:
Just fucking stop."
They can keep showing "The Soup". That cracks my shit up.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-02 15:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-02 15:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You give me January 2008.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-02 15:16:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality anger here.