A Guide To Girlfriends: A New Year Special (+ an old Camwhore!) (1245 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: dating_guide
Rating: 1.33 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2008-01-03 10:35:30 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96559 : Dating Guide 0 (prequel)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96517 : Dating Guide 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96953 : Dating Guide 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96988 : Girlfriend Guide 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/97497 : Girlfriend Guide 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/97537 : Girlfriend Guide 3
http://www.ubersite.com/m/97616 : Girlfriend Guide 4
I'll dedicate this to Orphelia since she reminded me of these posts... so blame her if it's shit... and if it's not, then I deserve all the kudos.
So... life has been going pretty well for you two by now right? I mean, you love each others company, day and night! When she laughs, you smile, when you smile she smiles, it's a beautifully non-vicious circle of tranquillity that has been built on a bed of truth honesty and love...right? WRONG.
One of you fuckers is lying because, and I'm sorry to say it, everyone has faults. Big faults. Big nose picking (and eating), smelling your own farts, weird laughing, cancer joke making faults.
Okay lets generalise all males and females into one category (yeah, it's that fucking easy, sorry sunshine but you ain't actually that fucking unique.)
That's why in this guide we'll be addressing two areas of your relationship from a mans perspective as usual:
1. The Faults
2. The Special Times
"Why the special times too?" You ask. Well, because most relationships only survive because of special moments, so I'll treat you to a list at the end.
The Faults
Oh well my young Sir Knight, it seems your Wench is not quite the filly she made herself out to be is she?
There are three main types of fault, and rest assured if you point them out to your darling to be, they're all your fault.
1. Gas/ bodily noises
Fault Factor: 1-3/ 10
Whether it's farting or burping at some point your darling will casually let her guard down and catch herself off guard by letting some form of gas slip out of her glorious little temple. It's only human right? Wrong. She's your girl and she was perfect! Now she is sullied, and there's little to nothing that can be done... except:
You point out to her that that's gross and you really REALLY don't like it (whilst remembering to wait till she's fallen asleep and fart/ burp in her face.)
You laugh it off. Oh dear. You laughed it off right? It's just one little burp!! She knows that it's the least sexy thing ever right? Wrong! You will inevitably end up with a burping farting body of doom. Never will you be able to stop it, because you my friend... laughed it off.
There's nothing funny here, because this happens and it's not funny. Farts fuck up relationships.
2. Commitment Jokes
Fault Factor: 4-8/10
Her: Babe?
Him: Yeah?
Her: Can we go look at rings today?
Him: Why?
Her: You know... *cheeky grin and a wink*
Him: Ha- fucking - Ha
Her: You always think I'm joking!! When are we going to really commit to each other?!
Him: When we've been dating more than a week?!
Her: LOL OMG I sooooo totally had you!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nothing says funny like a commitment joke right?! RIGHT?! Seriously! When they leave wedding planners out and things like that, or bride magazines, or, my favourite, when they show you a ring they would accept for an engagement ring 'just in case... you know!'
Nip this shit right in the fucking bud. Seriously, this is a slippy road my friend, and if you don't deal with it soon enough, you could be in for some big trouble. Here are some counters:
1. Leave divorce lawyer cards in her bride magazines
2. Send texts to her phone by 'accident' explaining to your mate why you really don't see the point in getting married. Ever.
3. Or the best, and worst (if it backfires). Ask her. Ask her to marry you right there and then. If she says no, then you go 'right now shut the fuck up about it, it's no longer amusing'. If she says yes, you need to act fast. Go for a high 5 and say 'Freaking sweet! The dudes will want a keg at the chapel! Vegas is sweet right? I mean, a wedding is all about doing someone in a wedding dress, so you know." Then try and making that snorting noise as if you have phlegm you want to get from your stomach through your nose, and you should be good.
4. Changing You Slowly
Fault Factor: 9-10/ 10
Did I not warn you about changelings in the earlier guides?! You fucking idiot. What? A covert changeling?! Oh my god... you poor man... ok... here's the score.
Her: You know what would look nice with your jeans and t-shirt?
Him: Err...a scarf?
Her: No silly! A suit jacket...
A month later
Her: You know what would look nice with your suit jacket?
Him: Oh an iPod!
Her: No Silly! Suit trousers...
A few more months
Her: Now dance monkey boy! Mwhahahaha
Him*robotic voice* : Yes mistress *dances in a suit*
Oh man it's not a quick process. At first it seems like solid fashion help, not that you need it bro *pause for high 5*, but after a while it changes... FHM swaps for Mens Health... The sun swaps for the Economist... and Razzle/ Playboy... well that's long gone.
It's the most subtle of faults at first; you know changing from good normal mayo to light fat ultra slimming mayo? That's changing you. You know the new shoes she got you which you're not sure on but she convinced you that you look good in? That's changing you. You know your haircut? Your house? Your friends, your opinions and your beliefs?
All Gone.
There's only one way out of it...start fucking up... big time. Smoke again, start drinking with the lads and grow your hair out, don't shave and do manly shit like kill her cats, wear football shirts to non football events, and best of all, send her parents rude emails that your mates sent you.
Suicide is painless my friends.
Just remember, the grass is always greener, and there is always one sure fire way to get out of any relationship make a pass at someone close to her. In order of relevance with a consequence:
Gran: She'll probably have you arrested
Mum: She may get a kinky three way on, more likely though the dad will kick the shit out of you.
Sister: Again you may be able to double team them both, more likely mum and dad will beat you.
Brother: Woah.
So here's a quick list of Dos and don'ts for those special moments!
Do
1. Tell her she looks great
2. Hold her hand
3. Kiss her often
4. Present her with some nice jewellery
5. Surprise her
6. Tell her you don't mind having to go to family events
7. Hold her close
8. Tell her you love her (only if true)
9. Gaze into her eyes as the sun settles over the crystal sea as you sit on a white beach
10. Tell her you want this feeling to last forever.
Don'ts
1. Tell her she has her camel toe, but other than that you'd totally do her.
2. Go for a piss, wash (or not) your hands and tell her it's piss for ages.
3. Eat her face.
4. Shop at Argos or Tescos for jewellery
5. Get caught fucking her housemate
6. Tell her you think her sister/ mum gran has a nice ass.
7. Squeeze her so tight that she says it hurts and you laugh and tell her it doesn't.
8. Drunkenly confess your love, fall into a table, vomit on her new shoes and tell that it wasn't your fault, but some cunt spiked your beer with alcohol.
9. Give her a receipt for the holiday explaining how it's only fair if you share the bill.
10. Tell her it's been ages since you got your rocks off that fast and leave whilst texting your mates.
I wish you all the best for the new year Uber site... you bunch of miserable cunts, and here's a camwhore from 3 years ago. I may even put a new one up soon... wouldn't you be so lucky?
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-04 23:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-08 21:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're that very good looking fellow aren't you?
===
I knew it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-01-04 22:45:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
GOOD CHRIST YOUR EYEBROWS ARE LONGER THAN THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-04 03:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks guys, it's nice to know these are enjoyed.
Submitted by Nietzsche (user info) at 2008-01-04 00:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Or you could marry a hot girl who, while finding no humor in the gas you might pass (...which is ALWAYS funny...) still manages to giggle uncontrollably when she cranks out a smelly fart.
Ever had your wife give YOU a dutch oven?
It's REALLY fucking wrong, but oh so right.
AND, sometimes change is good.
That is all I have to say.
===================================================================
If you're married why are you fucking around with experima?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-03 15:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna google dutch oven - but I am scared.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 15:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Or you could marry a hot girl who, while finding no humor in the gas you might pass (...which is ALWAYS funny...) still manages to giggle uncontrollably when she cranks out a smelly fart.
Ever had your wife give YOU a dutch oven?
It's REALLY fucking wrong, but oh so right.
AND, sometimes change is good.
That is all I have to say.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
don't have time to read it yet but godDAMN that's a cute picture +2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:40:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
o rly
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:35:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She will want to stick 'em up your bum next. Or hers while you raid her foo foo. Or vice versa.
So many vibrators so many options.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
she has ace vibrators that are nice when used on my balls so you know.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:27:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Email me the details? Sorry. Is it serious, shall I buy a hat? Or a baby grow?:)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:25:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no, she cant get enough of the EI bone
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:24:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you break up with your girlfriend El? If so, these guides are terribly useful.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hourman and I would get on like a house on fire.
hot, hot, hot!
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:17:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He ain't my type, El. As attractive as he is. I know, it is unusal.
Maybe i will perv another day.
As a matter of fact, he bugs the bloody hell out of me but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate his posts.:)
Anyway, have this +2 buddy.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:13:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey orphelia you didnt perve over him., something wrong?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another one.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:11:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really think this deserves more hits/reviews. Some of the lines from previous posts had me peeing my panties - hold on, I don't wear any.
When I have time I will be labelling your posts on my account. I like them that much. I will also be going through your remaining archives. I think you are a hidden Uber gem.
Anyway, thanks for the dedication hahaha but it was really my pleasure to read them.
Oh, and everything sico said is true:(
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-03 12:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smell my finger
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-03 11:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scissor fucking women are hot!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2008-01-03 11:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-03 11:17:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone know how to change the battery in an I-pod?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-01-03 11:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This would be better if it was better
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-03 11:05:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh and i check out www.wowdetox.com everynow and then... that shit cracks me up.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-03 11:04:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
your day sounds just as rock and roll as mine. Maybe even more so...
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-03 11:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
but dammit I am an internet cool kid
*WoW Hand Signal*
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-03 11:01:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do yahoo chess most of the time, sometimes igoogle.com games. I had a Snicker's Marathon engergy bar this morning and I wasn't too impressed.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-03 11:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ace. i've pretty much fucked around on uber and gamesatwork.com... or something like that. It's flu season and everyone is dead. Or sick. I forget, either way i'm alone.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-03 10:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see. I'll camp here with you until I find something better to do. I'm dreading being at work and looking for ways to do nothing.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-03 10:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hence 'old' camwhore ma man.
Ok so i'm camping my own post for about half an hour before i get to leave for the day.
THAT is how cool i am.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-03 10:55:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90937 OH NOES!
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-03 10:54:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
At least i don't smell transvestites
http://www.ubersite.com/m/113908
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-03 10:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I don't believe for a second that you've had any experience with "girls".
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-03 10:47:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Muddy just thinks he's an internet cool kid.
Wanna double team her? As long as our balls don;t touch, i'm sure it'll be fine, and if they do, blame it on the tequila baby!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-03 10:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Muddy's jealous. I am not. Let's fuck it out. Good post, however, orphelia is a 2-cent whore that would like nothing more than to let me paint a map of Hawaii in her hair.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-03 10:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that picture is the answer to the question 'what is the gayest thing that will be posted today'
do you catch?