What Kind of Man You Are (Men Only) (1316 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.13 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TooMuchMan (View user info) at 2008-01-03 20:58:27 EST
(NB: No poop discussion today.)
Every straight guy knows what kind of man he is. A Breast Man. An Ass Man. And so on. But few people realize that your preference over body parts pretty much allows someone to understand your personality, completely. Below, I elucidate the link between what kind of man you are and, well, what kind of man you are.
1. Breast Man. You are probably the most common type out there, comprising somewhere around 30-40% of the world's population. You are certainly a nice guy, but rather vanilla when it comes right down to it. Liking breasts is sort of unimaginative, sort of liking eating, or puppies. Your personality is predictably vanilla: you like apple pie and baseball, you pay your taxes on time, and when you have kids, you'll name them all names that start with the same letter. The problem, of course, is that you like breasts because you have an unhealthy relationship with your mother, who was your first introduction to the big bouncies. Your lifelong challenge is to not let this fact drive you crazy. CLOTHES: Dockers and a Button Down. BEVERAGE: Budweiser. EXEMPLARS: Homer Simpson, Sigmund Freud, Bo Duke, Gordon Brown, Tyler Durden, LL Cool J, Dennis Kucinich.
2. Ass Man. In numerical prevalence, you are a close second to the Breast Man. It's not about hitting the poop chute necessarily, and indeed, you probably find yourself at a loss for words at describing why you are an Ass Man, but you helplessly recognize that you love the ass of a woman. As such, you are like the dirty uncle of the Breast Man, although you have a healthier relationship with your mom (and dad). Whereas the Breast Man likes to "fuck," you like to "bone." You probably drink malt liquor so that you can rest a 40 of OE on your woman's back porch. You like football better than baseball (if you're an American), rugby better than soccer (if you're not). You are the type of guy who carries a pen around so that he can draw huge dongs on the walls of bathrooms. People find you fun, though, and you're not actually that creepy in non-ass-related matters. Ass Men also love a good beej. CLOTHES: Old beer t-shirts. BEVERAGE: Malt liquor. EXEMPLARS: Sir Mix-A-Lot, Bill Clinton, Jarvis Cocker, Dirk Benedict, Shel Silverstein.
3. Hip Man. You are like a more good natured variant of an Ass Man, and many would find the two of you indistinguishable. What makes you favor hips instead of ass is your desire for the easiest child birthing process in the woman of your choice, so that your demon spawn can crawl to daylight without having to tear a bitch up. Nevertheless, you're a good guy, with a personality that's similar to the Ass Man, except that your style of humor is more family oriented. CLOTHES: whatever the wife buys you. BEVERAGE: Pepsi. EXEMPLARS: Luke Duke, Mormons.
4. Face Man. You piss me off. You were the kid in high school who kept a journal and listened to twee pop. You cry at monuments, like the Vietnam War memorial or the Paris Opera House. You say "Sorry?" instead of "What?" when you miss something. You have no male friends and probably stood in line to buy an iPhone when it came out. You are a vegetarian for sentimental reasons. Attractive women actually like you because they need to protect you from people like me who "don't understand you." In return, you tell them that you think that they have a beautiful face. God DAMN it do I hate guys like you. But the secret that all those gullible chicks don't know is that you're not really a Face Man. Experiment: cut the head off of an exemplar of female beauty like Thandy Newton or Michelle Yeoh and mash it onto an orca-fat woman. If you still find the result attractive, I'll fry up my shoes and eat them with ketchup. CLOTHES: Scarves. BEVERAGE: Chardonnay. EXEMPLARS: The men in Belle and Sebastian, all those douchebags in my high school, Linus van Pelt.
5. Foot Man. You are a fucking freak. Seriously, get the hell out of here. Get back to playing Helter Skelter while carving your mother's initials into your thigh. CLOTHES: whatever the Unabomber wore. BEVERAGE: the blood of the innocent. EXEMPLARS: Charles Manson, Woody Allen.
6. Personality Man. Doesn't exist in nature. Easily confused with Face Man, and in fact, many Face Men will try to convince their woman friends that they are actually Personality Men. Do NOT let them fool you. Personality Man does not exist, and this fact is proven by imagining if you transplanted a nice girl's personality to your grandmother. CLOTHES/BEVERAGE: See Foot Man. EXEMPLARS: none.
7. Neck Man. Extinct. Formerly prevalent in Victorian England and medieval Japan. CLOTHES: Three-piece suit. BEVERAGES: Claret and Sherry. EXEMPLAR: Prince Albert. SEE ALSO: Ankle Man, Wrist Man
8. Ear Man. A small minority, you probably own a rare book shop and have a stamp collection. You consider an umbrella a fashion accessory rather than a way to keep dry. You are "good at the internet." Your parents were terrified that you were gay when you were a kid, so you may have been scarred psychologically your father forcing you to CATCH THIS POP-UP SON. Nevertheless, you're good for a beer, highly educated (if a bit snobby), and you have some interesting political viewpoints, which are a complex mix of Burkean conservative, libertarian, and crazy. If nothing else, you are principled. You like ears because they are delicate and perfect, whatever the hell that means. I am happy to hang out with you so long as you're never within arm's length of me. CLOTHES: Tweed. BEVERAGE: Fancy beer. EXEMPLARS: The bookshop owner in Patriot Games, Ron Paul, Larry King.
9. Grizzly Man. You don't like women, you like bears. I think it is hysterical that they literally ate you. COLOGNE: Actual musk from actual bears. BEVERAGE: Bear water. EXEMPLAR: Timothy Treadwell.
10. Leg Man. You are a hard working and decent fellow, but seriously, who is a fucking leg man anymore? More likely than not you are a forty-something man who works in middle management and is just a couple of hard days at work away from going postal. You like cheap scotch, Peruvian cigars, mashed potatoes, and reading the newspaper over dinner. Your wife does not work, and you cheat on her with someone you call a "floosie" who lives in a trailer and is using you so that her two teenage sons to buy a PS3. You not only like the missionary position, you are unaware that there are other options. You're voting for Fred Thompson because goddamn it, he looks like a President. CLOTHES/COLOGNE: Sweater vest/Old Spice. BEVERAGE: cheap scotch. EXEMPLARS: Fred Thompson, the father in A Christmas Story, your dad
11. "Gunt" Man. AKA "feeder." You don't want to know.
fat.TIF (161 kB) [image/tiff]
User Reviews
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-05-27 16:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, that was good.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:44:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, that was funny as hell in enough spots that you earned this +2 ten times over.
BTW, you left my type out...tongue man.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-06 20:17:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-06 11:46:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
A -2 man.
Submitted by His_Infernal_Majesty (user info) at 2008-01-06 11:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have had a +2 but you didn't mention Cosmo Kramer for the ass man. Seriously, gotta think about the K man. But none of those really fit me, I guess I love every part of a woman(she really appreciates that, *wink wink*).
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-05 11:05:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-01-04 10:39:36 PST (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus H. Christ, if you guys would leave your dicks
alone for five minutes we might actually win this
GD war.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-05 09:56:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-01-04 22:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i like em nerdy....
hooray for geek girls
kinda like janine garafalo in mystery men (oddly enough i thought she was the "cute one" in the truth about cats & dogs), or lori petty in in the army now or thora birch in ghost world (or american beauty)... even lauren graham has bit of a nerdy thing going... shed rock in glasses and id probly rock her in glasses too.
yes most of those movies sucked (except ghost world and mystery men) but i jsut wanted to explain
now continue not giving a shit.
...good stuff
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-04 19:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOW COULD YOU LEAVE COSMO KRAMER OFF THE ASSMAN LIST?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-01-04 18:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
moo
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-04 17:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a breath of fresh ass
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-01-04 16:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-01-04 16:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I prefer the small fat roll where the neck fat and back of the head fat meet. Sweat lubricates it and I can hide shit in it. The best thing about women with these fat flaps is that McDonalds is a perfectly acceptable eatery for valentines birthdays and anniversaries. There is no lose as long as you bear proof your kitchen.
A good way to determine if the fine gargantuan women is in fact one of these head/neck flap beauties is to determine where the gut hangs, if it seems that you would have to lift it up to get to the vagina then you've found one of these rare majestic beings. Offer her a double cheeseburger and I can guarantee you'll be lovin' some fat later.
Why wasn't my type mentioned in this? WHY?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-04 15:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-04 07:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not terrible, not great. Rather 'meh'...
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-04 14:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm a YES man
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-01-04 13:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus H. Christ, if you guys would leave your dicks
alone for five minutes we might actually win this
GD war.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-01-04 12:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by PioneerBill (user info) at 2008-01-04 11:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What about pussy man ... especially shaved bald!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-04 11:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bart should put this on B@W. I rarely, if ever, say that.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-01-04 11:13:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#5 made me spit coffee on my keyboard, bastard.
Aw shit.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-01-04 11:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
7. Neck Man. Extinct. Formerly prevalent in Victorian England and medieval Japan. CLOTHES: Three-piece suit. BEVERAGES: Claret and Sherry. EXEMPLAR: Prince Albert. SEE ALSO: Ankle Man, Wrist Man
--
I knew I was a living relic. I like necks, you can do lots with them like.....ummm......break them
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-01-04 07:18:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-04 07:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not terrible, not great. Rather 'meh'...
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-01-04 07:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I am a hip man, there is something indefinable to me about the curve of a woman's hips that just tears me up.
-1 cause I hate pepsi
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-04 06:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This had potential to be a lot funnier.
Plus, I'm a hip man, and I found it inaccurate.
I'm also a nose man, which you left out.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-01-04 05:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
skimmed through - not funny.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-01-04 05:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and cock
does it even matter anymore?q
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-01-04 05:21:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yep
I like vagina
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-01-04 05:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
okay, before I even read this:
I am a vagina man.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-04 03:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted to -2 for asking ladies not to read, but man, this is good.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-04 02:57:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha
Welcome SIR! Every time I thought the post would become "meh", you were like, "BAM, WHAT NOW".
You are a funny man. A funny and entertaining man. Yes, sir, you are.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-01-04 02:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See, this is where people like me have a distinct advantage over you "specialists." I'll fuck almost anything that moves, barring the obvious exceptions, so I've got way better odds of finding something I like.
Submitted by Nietzsche (user info) at 2008-01-04 00:23:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
True on that!
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V
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-01-04 00:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ass man.
but when you're with someone with a nice ass, you start looking at boobs. and when they have nice boobs too, you look at better faces, then necks...and so on, so on.
we're never happy.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-01-04 00:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
boob and face.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2008-01-03 23:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I actually knew who you were talking about when you mentioned the bookstore guy from Patriot Games.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-01-03 22:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#12 The Man
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-03 22:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm nominating you for B@W. AGAIN.
Where did you COME from? Is everyone as funny as you in your Distant Land?
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2008-01-03 21:25:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-01-03 21:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
TooMuchTif
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-01-03 21:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good post, but the picture was mehish, and it was a tif. blech. we use jpegs only 'round these parts.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-03 21:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kind of a small-of-the-back man, myself. Boobs too.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-01-03 21:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
he he
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-03 21:03:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dirk freakin' Benedict? Ha.