ten tiny true stories. (+ ULTRA RARE experima camwhore!) (1709 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lungfish (View user info) at 2008-01-06 00:34:46 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114095
1) When I was 13, I won a dance contest. Fucking New York Hustle, it was. Do the hustle. That's fucking disco. I hated the fucking dance class that Mom made me join, except for the fact that my usual partner during class was this girl, Kristen. Kristen was the only girl on our block, and consequently played all the outdoor kid games with all of us boys. (Kids used to play outside.) Football, baseball, kick the can, smear the queer, etc. Until the dance class, I had always thought of Kristen as just "one of the guys."
Okay this isn't going so well. Short story: Kristen gave me a boner when I danced with her. I saw her fledgling boobs on the football field. I moved to Ohio shortly after and never got to have sex with her. But I won a trophy for the dance thing, which was embarrassing. I bet Kristen still has lovely small boobs.
2) I once had sex with a woman for a bottle of Wild Turkey and a 12-pack of Budweiser. Technically, I suppose, this makes me a prostitute. I don't care; it was fun. Also, she was supposed to go to jail for several years soon thereafter, so I thought it would be a certain no-strings affair. She ended up getting probation, instead of jail time, and she ended up following my ass back to Arizona. (I spent that particular winter in Ohio, for lack of work in Arizona.) She's sleeping about 30 feet from me right now.
3) December 1980 was a terrible month for me.
First, John Lennon was killed. Now, I was the one kid in my redneck little town in Missouri who was the Beatle fan. While other kids grooved to Styx, Lips Inc., Olivia Newton John, and the fucking Bee Gees, I was grooving, almost exclusively, to The Beatles. I was known as the guy who liked The Beatles, and the next day at school, I got taunted quite a bit. Apparently, some kids find humor in the death of other kids' heroes. Ah well...
Next, on 26 December of that year, my dad left the family. Just another younger pussy thing. Happens all the time. But it was rough on my little brother and me. My dad was my other hero.
I remember the morning my dad told my mom he was leaving. Their argument woke me up. I could hear everything as I lay on my cot in Dad's office. (My grandparents, aunt and uncle, and cousins were visiting. Nice timing, Dad.) I stared at my favorite Christmas gift throughout the entire argument. This was the triple-album "Wings Over America." That album always made me think of that morning. I never listened to it much.
4) In sixth grade, with great force, I hit a guy named Fred square in the back of the head with a large spitball. I got in trouble. My punishment was that I was to be last in line to make my plaster Mayan calendar. That sucked.
5) The funniest guy in my sixth grade class was a guy named Jeff O'Donnell. His antics had me in tears daily. Funny bastard. He was killed in a car accident in his high school years along with four other guys. The accident is regarded as the worst ever in that little redneck town.
6) My wife tells this story about the day of her sentencing (in Memphis, Tennessee), which involved a serious drug crime: She was the only white person being sentenced that day. Of all the people being sentenced in court that day, she was being sentenced for the most serious crime (her second felony conviction). She was the only person that day to receive probation instead of jail time. Hmmmmm.
7) My dad had a stroke a while ago. He was temporally paralyzed on one side and couldn't speak very well for a time. My daughter and I went to see him in Maryland shortly after the event. My daughter was afraid of him, which made both him and me a bit sad. But you couldn't blame her; he was pretty fucked up. His doctor told him he had to quit drinking. He has always enjoyed his liquor. My step-mom was pretty adamant that he would, indeed, quit drinking.
I called him a couple weeks after leaving Maryland. His speech was pretty slurred, but not as bad as it had been. "You're sounding good, Dad. You're not slurring so much," I said.
"Well that's surprising," he replied, "I've been drinking martinis all evening."
I love my dad. He'll likely die before too long, but he's doing it his way."
8) Conversations with My Daughter (Part the Second) (from tonight):
Daughter: "What are these?"
Me: Those are called bath pearls. Mommy puts them in the bath and they make her skin smooth. They also make her smell nice.
Daughter: Do you use them?
Me: No.
Daughter: Yes you do. 'Cause you're a girly-girl.
Me: Hmmm.
Daughter: My skin is already smooth, and it smells like Doritos.
9) I once drank 40 beers in 24 hours. Sad thing is, I didn't get very drunk. Fucking Budweiser. It was after this that I switched to better beers.
10) "Too High to Die" might be my favorite album ever. My favorite one-hit wonder is Spacehog's "In the Meantime." Doc Watson rules. Julianne Moore is probably my favorite actress, but I left her off a previous list-post and wanted to rectify this. I'm getting my groove on. I ran out of ideas for tiny stories. I like most people; this gets me into trouble sometimes. I think my penis has gotten smaller since turning 40. Is this normal?
User Reviews
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-05-17 06:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't have a penis problem, me eyes are getting worse.
Great post.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-16 22:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just saving this for later use:
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-01-15 19:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i realized it's blocked by my work.
tehre was a tiny message i didn't see.
don't be such a pretentious bitch, especially after with what you did gary donkey and now him.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-07 23:57:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
She has wonderfully small boobs. God, I want to fuck that woman.
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Who the fuck got into my account and left this disgusting review?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#6. Hmmmm, indeed.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:06:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:01:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#2 FOR THE WIN!!!
That Spacehog song does, indeed, rock.
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#45
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:34:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-06 17:01:37 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're such a hooker.
I still say us Uberers who hail from the Midwest should get together and collaborate on a post about how to survive growing up in the Midwest without becoming a total fucking redneck, cousin marrying, chicken screwing, po-dunk hick.
If not, you and I should at least give it a go.
====
I'll play!
There needs to be a part about remembering to always keep up high levels of hate for nearly everything that surrounds you in this wretched place.
I guess really more than being a 'part' that would be more like 'the whole thing.'
+++++++++++
Yes, that's a big part of it. My hate for it isn't angry, it's more like the hate you experience when you're forced to interact with a completely embarrassing extended family member. You know, the one who embarrasses everyone in public, dresses horridly, is loud, stupid, ignorant, and chews with their mouth open.
That kind of hate.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-07 05:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the Meantime is proper bo.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-01-07 02:53:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 21:27:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, I'm serious. I think my penis is getting smaller.
***
there's blood-pressure issues you could have examined
for years, a cat couldn't even scratch my junk because i'm talk'n cold-rolled blue steel
but now, a cat just might be able to slightly nick it
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-06 22:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wanna practice? You can sit on my sofa cleaning guns when my daughters dates start picking her up. (She turned 10 this week)
*Shudder*
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Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 08:17:04 PST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-01-06 10:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Daughter: My skin is already smooth, and it smells like Doritos.
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Um...I don't want to creep you out or anything, but how long until she's 18?
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That's okay. She turns 7 this week. I look forward to playing the scary dad. Her boyfriends will be forced to come talk with me every time they pick her up for a date. I will be sitting on the couch, cleaning my guns.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 21:27:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:18:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude...seriously?
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Yes, I'm serious. I think my penis is getting smaller.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-06 20:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-06 18:01:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're such a hooker.
I still say us Uberers who hail from the Midwest should get together and collaborate on a post about how to survive growing up in the Midwest without becoming a total fucking redneck, cousin marrying, chicken screwing, po-dunk hick.
If not, you and I should at least give it a go.
====
I'll play!
There needs to be a part about remembering to always keep up high levels of hate for nearly everything that surrounds you in this wretched place.
I guess really more than being a 'part' that would be more like 'the whole thing.'
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-06 16:49:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bryanhoop (user info) at 2008-01-06 16:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't afford 80 real beers. I make do.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-06 16:42:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
80 Busch Lite = 1 real beer, you fuck.
Submitted by Bryanhoop (user info) at 2008-01-06 16:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've drank exactly twice as many beers as you in 24 hours. 80. Busch Lite. It was aiigghht.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:18:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude...seriously?
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-06 14:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just wanna say, lungfish, you totally got what the whole tiny true stories was about. i love yours.
now go read "misadventures" by sylvia smith.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2008-01-06 14:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-06 14:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are such a jolly gentlemen, I would so skip dinner and drinks on a first date with you.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-01-06 13:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for good stories and mentioning "smear the queer" and "Lipps Inc." Can you take me to,,,,,,,,,,Funkytown?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like boobs
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:40:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you and I should at least give it a go.
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YES!!!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're such a hooker.
I still say us Uberers who hail from the Midwest should get together and collaborate on a post about how to survive growing up in the Midwest without becoming a total fucking redneck, cousin marrying, chicken screwing, po-dunk hick.
If not, you and I should at least give it a go.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
She has wonderfully small boobs. God, I want to fuck that woman. I suspect I'm an asshole.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I married an "ex-groupie" so I have no problem at all banging your crazy sister-in-law.
The crazier, the better, in my opinion.
Less effort required on Shlongy's part.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice, Shlongy.
I should hook you up with my wife's sister. She's been a huge Ramones fan since the 70s. She's an ex-groupie, and I think she slept with Peter Gabriel once. Maybe more than once. She's really good-looking. I'd do her, but I'm not allowed. She's kinda crazy, though.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-01-06 12:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love that song.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-06 11:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's just a YouTube of "In The Meantime"...She should watch it WITH you, unless you want her to grow up being a Good Charlotte or Britney Spears fan.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 11:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-01-06 08:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
of value in expert opinions
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-01-06 08:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
" think my penis has gotten smaller since turning 40. Is this normal?"
**
i was wondering about that myself until several professionals agreed, as a group, that they hadn't noticed any substantial changes through out the past several years
i put a lot
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Quote from my Mexican neighbor: "My daddy said if you don't use it, it gets small."
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 11:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-06 09:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYxl-4oRu1U
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I will watch this after my child has left my office. I bought her a computer for her birthday, so it could be a while. She likes MS Paint.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 11:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-06 09:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Camwhore, please, of you getting my groove on. Something tells me that would be a very inspirational photo.
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Maybe later. First, I have to learn what "getting my groove on" means.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 11:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-01-06 10:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Daughter: My skin is already smooth, and it smells like Doritos.
-------
Um...I don't want to creep you out or anything, but how long until she's 18?
------
That's okay. She turns 7 this week. I look forward to playing the scary dad. Her boyfriends will be forced to come talk with me every time they pick her up for a date. I will be sitting on the couch, cleaning my guns.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-01-06 10:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Daughter: My skin is already smooth, and it smells like Doritos.
-------
Um...I don't want to creep you out or anything, but how long until she's 18?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-06 09:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*You getting YOUR groove on, obviously.
We'd have to charge money for the other photo.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-06 09:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Camwhore, please, of you getting my groove on. Something tells me that would be a very inspirational photo.
Any time I think of Spacehog I realize that guy gets to have sex with Liv Tyler, and even as a woman that makes me jealous.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-06 09:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYxl-4oRu1U
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-06 09:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Love Spacehog's "In The Meantime", too.
Are you sure that you didn't mean "Too Tough To Die"? (Ramones)
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-01-06 08:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
of value in expert opinions
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-01-06 08:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
" think my penis has gotten smaller since turning 40. Is this normal?"
**
i was wondering about that myself until several professionals agreed, as a group, that they hadn't noticed any substantial changes through out the past several years
i put a lot
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-01-06 05:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just the smile i needed on this sundaymorning...Thx lf.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-01-06 05:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lucky it was a wings album, not the beatles
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-01-06 05:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-01-06 03:10:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT CHICK HAS A BIG NOSE. AND i LIKE IT
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 02:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Too High to Die" is a Meat Puppets album, by the way.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-06 02:20:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God bless you.
ps - yer purdy.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-01-06 02:10:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
every time you do a shot of wild turkey you have to gobble like a turkey for the toast. It's a rule at my house.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-01-06 02:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lung fucken fish!
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-01-06 02:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking budweiser.
you charming dorito skin smelling o-dog lover.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-06 00:43:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you, lungfish.
:)
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-01-06 00:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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