ten tiny true stories. (+ ULTRA RARE experima camwhore!) (1281 hits)
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Submitted by ChaosJester (View user info) at 2008-01-06 13:12:06 EST
1) I went to a weeny little private Catholic school until I was 11-ish. One of the most vivid memories I have from that time in my life is wandering around the Church that was right next to the school during the 'off' hours. I was all alone in that gigantic (for a pre-adolescent) building. It was a little creepy, but still peaceful. Even today, I love to wander around places of worship (even if I have a hard time with the particular religions).
2) I grew up and was sort of friends with a boy named Jason who was close to my age. When I was around 12, Jason's parents got a divorce and he and his older brother went away with his mother. A couple years later, the older brother shot himself in the head. That funeral is the first one I can remember going to.
3) At the tail end of the 19th year of my life, I was on a waiting list to get a certain job in the Army. I was told that I'd have to wait approximately 6 months before I could get sent off to Basic Training (even though I'd already enlisted). Unfortunately, I no longer had a place to live (one of the larger reasons why I joined up in the first place). Then, my parents told me that I could stay in the (now vacant) house that I'd grew up in while they tried to sell it. All I had to do was keep it looking nice for prospective buyers. I got a part-time job in a nearby town at a book/video store; that was about the only human contact I had (the house I grew up in was in a pretty rural area--few neighbors). I didn't have a television. I'd sometimes go days without speaking. I made friends with spiders lurking in the ruins of my mother's old garden. It was one of the simplest and happiest times of my life. It was also my first adult lesson in solitude.
4) Once, when I was on Leave, I went to visit my sister in the Big City (Austin). While there, we sought out one of my cousins, Brandon, who'd been like a brother to me when we were growing up. Brandon was not very popular with that half of my family any more because he'd recently come out of the closet (which didn't catch anyone by surprise except, perhaps, his mother). Anyway, he was heading out to a club and wanted to know if we felt like coming along. Of course we did, and before I knew it, I was surrounded by crowds of very, very homosexual men dancing to techno. Still, I'm nothing if not adaptable. Several drinks later, I'm out on the dance floor flirting with some hungry-looking fellas. When Brandon, who was slightly taken aback by how...exuberantly I'd thrown myself into the festivities, asked me if I was okay, I simply said: "Dude, I've been to Thailand and back. This is just a quiet little walk in the park by comparison." Later on, I got invited to a birthday party by a very tall, black drag-queen named Roscoe while I absently watched two dudes kissing. It was an interesting night.
5) I once had a massive crush on a girl named Courtney when I was a Senior in High School. We had Advanced English together (among other classes) and I'd been carrying a torch for her for almost a whole year. At the time, I thought she was amazing. She had pretty blue eyes, black hair and one of those perky, almost elfin faces that I still have a weakness for. She was also a world-class snob (her family was pretty wealthy by small-town standards). Anyway, for a school assignment, I wrote a poem. It was about her. When I turned it in, my teacher got misty eyed and practically forced me to show it to Courtney. She said in was 'nice'. I don't think she said more than a handful of words to me over the next few months til Graduation.
6) I've mentioned before that I used to be at least a dabbler in the whole fantasy/role-playing scene. Well, I once had an ex-Army friend named David who gamed with me and mine. David was really cool, but had a predilection for black depressions. The day I enlisted, I tried to call him and tell him what I'd done, but I only got the answering machine. I found out a week or so later that he'd shot himself in the head the day before. It took several more days before someone found his body.
7) Once, to prepare for an upcoming S.E.R.E (Survival Evasion Resistance Escape) class my detachment was going to attend, the ten of us who were slotted to go went into the Jungle for six days. We took no food and very little water. The only supplies we were permitted was a small "survival kit" that had stuff like fishing line, matches, and water-purifying tablets (which makes water taste like total ass, by the way). We turned out to be shitty survivalists. The only thing me and my boss ate that whole six days were a couple of tiny fish we'd managed to catch. At the end of the exercise, none of us had any energy whatsoever and we were starting to look like those ancient pictures of concentration-camp victims. The last night, were were given a couple chickens and a six-pack of beer. It was the best meal I'd ever eaten and I got totally smashed off of 1/2 of a beer. And, of course, I never did go to the S.E.R.E class...
8) I've never broken a bone in my body.
9) I was 20 years old the first time I ever got drunk.
10) I once watched someone try to mainline vodka because he saw the dude off of Jackass do it and thought it'd be cool. We had a friend who was a medic and all of us knew how to stick a hypodermic needle, so we figured thing's would be okay if monitored closely. Anyway, we emptied out an I.V. bag of saline solution, filled it with a bottle of Absolut Vodka, then let 'er rip. When the bag was halfway empty, my friend went completely bugg-o. One minute, everything's calm; the next, he starts babbling about how he doesn't want to die, or something. I think I realized then exactly how completely bombed he was, but before I could do anything, he grabbed the I.V. needle and *ripped* it out of his skin, splattering the wall (and me) with a thin line of blood. He ended up being okay after we held him down and emptied about two more bags of saline solution into him. Good times...
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-21 15:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1) I went to a weeny little private Catholic school until I was 11-ish"""
explains everything.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-16 23:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-07 02:18:38 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
You'll want to be carefull with experima's image. She works in showbuisness and if you're not careful she'll either use her army of lawyers to sue the pants off you or, if you're as broke as you look, use her contacts to prevent you from ever seeing your beloved HIM in concert again.
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lol@berty.
agreed, skrapmetal :)
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This may be the best bandwagon ever.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:10:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to catholic school also, I am sure that has made me what I am today. A paranoid skitzoid. Guilty of everything.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#92
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-07 05:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You'll want to be carefull with experima's image. She works in showbuisness and if you're not careful she'll either use her army of lawyers to sue the pants off you or, if you're as broke as you look, use her contacts to prevent you from ever seeing your beloved HIM in concert again.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-01-07 01:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DELICIOUSLY FAGADELIC
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-06 20:41:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.stopcyberbullying.org/
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2008-01-06 20:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-06 20:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-01-06 18:19:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ugh
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-06 16:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bryanhoop (user info) at 2008-01-06 16:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I did S.E.R.E once and ate several fish, some crawdads, and a few berries.
Devolution. Kinda sad.
I can type 85 words a minute, according to Mavis-Beacon.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well now.
For the last three days, I've been at Death's Door with the flu.
Seriously, I've damn near overdosed on cold/flu meds.
Yet Ex still managed to make it move a little.
Hooray for me.
Now then, what are some other creative verbs I could apply to Ol' girl?
How 'bout this: restrain, stroke, rampage, bite, lick, tickle, breathe, stretch, nibble, laugh, massage, fondle...
Okey-dokey. I think I need to be alone now.
*janx*
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well i e-like someone who says he will wreck me
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:29:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmmm.
I don't think I need to comment on Hadley any further.
As usual, you manage to make yourself look clumsier than I ever could. Which I why I e-dislike you in the first place.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So do I get to tell you to get off my nuts now, Simon?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:27:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 ONLY because we both agree that Hadley is a complete waste of the troposphere.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:27:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, the best thing about eating lots of fiber and chunky foods is the prostate massage while you shit.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Gah...there's NOT any ancient redwoods.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
come on mate, post.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, my life is pretty fucking good.
See, I woke up early this morning and met my weekly weight loss goal (12 pounds) by taking a massive dump that required 8 courtesy flushes. After that, I got dressed up in my Sunday Best Suit and went to church, where I proceeded to snark my way through the service. The best part of that was when I stood up and called the lady priest a septic cunt.
Then finally, I went to the organic goods store and punched random people in the tofu department. When they asked why, I simply said that it was because there's any ancient redwoods to cut down, all while burning as many fossil fuels as I could.
Fuck off.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, yes.
Hello Hadley.
Y'know, just because your life is lamer than a weekend marathon of Method's Mom orgies doesn't mean that you have to shit in everyone else's cheerios.
Oh wait. I guess it does.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, I retired from posting. Over a year and a half ago.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
do your own, hadley.
can't wait to see it.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not even the picture helped this piece of shit.
Douchebag.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-06 15:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i hope assHoly does.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-06 14:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't shoot yourself in the head.
I may do one of these posts later today.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2008-01-06 14:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always thought you were british.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-06 14:30:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i've never broken a bone either. but i have a tiny true story about one time i sprained my ankle...
and i never got drunk till i was 20 or so either.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-06 14:27:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-06 14:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Some stories are better left un-read.
These are "some", I'd imagine.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-06 14:10:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here, have a +2 you sherry drinker.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 13:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-06 13:41:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...
...
...
Right, then.
Carry on.
*sticks out tongue*
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-01-06 13:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alcohol indouched chaos below...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 13:38:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No. I didn't call you a douchebag. This does not mean that you are not a douchebag. You might be. In fact, I suspect that you are a douchebag.
Actually, I don't think you're a douchebag. Well yes I do. Then again, I don't really think that you're a douchebag. All I really know it...nope...don't know anything.
I'm just drinking a bit and there you were. Really, I enjoyed your stories.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-06 13:32:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 13:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for participating. Of all the folks on Uber, I think I have the least in common with you. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I suspect that it probably is. Luckily, we will never meet. I'm going back to bed.
*********************************
Um?
I confused.
Did Lungie just call me a douchebag? 'Cause that would made me a very sad, ghey panda indeed...
I like Lungie.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-01-06 13:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dayam is that really experima?
and i have a friend who used to be a heroin junky. she'll still, to this day, inject shit into her veins just to appease her craving for smack. The craziest thing I ever saw her do was inject an air bubble into her vein and play with the bubble on her arm pushing it up and down the length of her forearm.
your last story reminded me of her.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-06 13:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for participating. Of all the folks on Uber, I think I have the least in common with you. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I suspect that it probably is. Luckily, we will never meet. I'm going back to bed.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-06 13:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck.
Forgot the inspiration.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114095