ten tiny true stories (PLUS obligatory camwhore) (1738 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: camwhore
Rating: 1.5 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Oly (View user info) at 2008-01-06 19:02:46 EST
1) One day last semester I was walking through the quad to the parking lot after class, and outside the library there was a little stand with books on it and manned by a white lady in an orange robe. I had time to kill, so I checked it out.
She was selling the Bhagavad Gita, and I was at a stage where I wanted to read the scripture of other religions, I guess to broaden my horizons, and this book was the one I was most interested in. I listened as she told me the story of Krishna. She asked if I had a religion and I told her I am a Christian, and she scoffed. She launched into a tirade against Jesus and said that it was asinine that sin could be washed away. She insisted that we should all be immaculate in all our actions and that committing ANY sin should damn us eternally. She told the cute girl who had since walked up that she was a slut for going to college parties. I told her it was asinine to pretend anybody can be that perfect and, mocking me, she said:
"Yeah, Jesus died for the sins of you rascals. That is stupid. That's not my kind of god. But I don't expect you to understand. Some people just aren't intelligent enough to understand."
I told her she was a horrible representative of her faith and walked away. Since then I haven't given a shit about religion.
2) My freshman year of college, my roommate was a complete douchebag. He was pretty cool while we were teammates on the swim team, but he quit two weeks into fall practices, and then he started drinking and smoking every day and night. He also started stealing money and food from me and dealing drugs from our room.
By the end of first semester, he was on probation. This was a dry campus, so if he was caught with drugs or alcohol one more time he would be kicked out of school immediately. Instead of trying to switch into somebody else's room, I decided to do what I could to get him kicked out and have our massive room to myself. So on the first day back after winter break, we threw a huge party in our room. We built a six-foot beeramid out of Pabst Blue Ribbon and bought three handles of Aristocrat Vodka. We told everybody we could find.
Everything went wrong. Somebody threw up in my laundry basket. My roommate was in the bathroom when I and 12 other people were caught with all the booze. My friend Vince, who had never had liquor before in his life, got alcohol poisoning and had to have his stomach pumped. The roommate made it to the end of the semester before getting rejected by the Army. There was probably a good lesson to be learned that day but I don't know or care what it was. I'm still bitter over it.
3) I was at the 2002 Home Run Derby in Milwaukee at probably the height of steroids use in baseball among its premier stars. I don't care if they were juiced - Sammy Sosa's and Barry Bonds' 500+ foot bombs, one after another, are the most incredible thing I've seen on an athletic field.
4) Once when I was 11, I went fishing with my dad and my uncle. We were joking around and I caught a little dinky bluegill. I thought it would be funny to throw the fish as hard as I could back out into the lake, but as soon as I did, I felt like the world's biggest asshole.
5) When I was very young, maybe 4 or 5 years old, my friends and I used to sit around drinking pop. We were like a pop club. We were connoisseurs. We were especially excited when we could find new kinds of pop that we'd never had before.
One day, my mom noticed a six pack of beer missing from out fridge after it had been sitting there for a while. She came out looking for me, found me sitting on my friend's porch, Miller Lite in hand.
"I don't know what kind of pop this is, but it sure is good!"
6) A couple years later, my dad's friend gave me a piece of gum before the Christmas recital in front of the whole church. I was an angel or something during the nativity scene. While Jesus was being born, I was dropping my gum on the floor. I announced this fact to the congregation and embarrassed my mother.
7) One of my good friends from church moved away before high school and we fell out of touch. My junior year, I was in Florida for spring break with my family and some cousins when my mom got a phone call explaining that my friend's older brother hung himself in the back yard, and that night the dad got shot four times by the son's two friends who broke into the house looking for drug money.
8) In the fifth grade, I was outside playing football one day during recess, and I ran into a pole for a volleyball net in the middle of the field.
When I was okay we all laughed, and we kept playing.
Ten minutes later I ran into the same pole and I went to the nurse.
9) This might seem like a little thing to most of you, but the most embarrassing moment of my youth came playing dodgeball during church youth group. I wasn't listening while our counselor was explaining the rules, and when we started playing, everybody was silent. I couldn't understand why nobody was talking during the beginning of the game, so I picked out my friend with a ball in his hand on the other side of the line and I decided to break the silence.
"Right here, Rosenberg!"
The counselor, with a disappointed expression on his face, pointed to the sideline and I sat out for the rest of the game.
10) One time while I was snowboarding at Granite Peak in Wausau, Wisconsin, I was coming down one of the black diamond slopes. There was one spot toward the bottom of the slope where there is a steep drop, then it sort of humps upward, and then there is another steep drop.
When I came off the first drop, I was moving pretty fast and I steered to the left to avoid a skier who had wiped out. This far to the side, I couldn't see any of the hill beyond the hump in front of me.
I came over the lip and found a 30-foot ice cliff overlooking a lower path that converged with mine after the next drop. I yelled Shit! and tried to brake but I was moving too fast to stop so quickly. My board caught at the top and sent me spinning backwards down the cliff, bouncing off the ice blocks on the way down. It was one of those moments where I knew I was fucked so I did nothing to try to help myself. I just let myself fall, and that was probably why I didn't break any bones or anything. It hurt surprisingly little but on the way down I was sure I'd die.
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-26 22:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no worries, i guess. it's just a sore subject for me still, obviously. lord knows i've said worse on other peoples posts.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-26 11:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha sorry dude. Obviously being on the other side of the world with absolutely no insight into what actually happened puts me in a slightly compromised position. Really, a cab driver just gave me a half price fare because he said "you're so honest".
I'm very happy right now, and didn't mean to offend you.
Mwah.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-26 05:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, its not a reference.
party legend? please. he was a fucking loser and every girl he brought over ended up dating me or wanting me enough to not talk to him anymore. its not even like i tried, it just worked out that way.
his drug dealing aptitude: i once asked him why he smoked so much of the weed he was supposed to sell, and he tried to convince me that there was a limit to the amount of money he could make from it. let me reiterate: HE WAS SUCH A POTHEAD STONER LOSER THAT HE CONVINCED HIMSELF THAT THERE WAS A CEILING TO HIS POTENTIAL PROFITS AND THAT HE COULD THEREFORE SMOKE THE DIFFERENCE.
i'm goign to have to write a post some day about that faggot.
christian loser? the theme of this post was embarassing or sobering moments in my life, and since i've never really fit in at church it was a pretty fucking easy call on that one.
i really hate this stupid ass website sometimes.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-26 05:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe you didn't quite catch what i said, phallus. HE STOLE MONEY FROM MY WALLET, ORDERED PIZZA WITH MY CREDIT CARDS, REPEATEDLY TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND I FUCKED HER TEAMMATES,
dude, i'm getting so furious writing this that if we were face to face we would probably get in a fight. everybody who was there knows i was completely justified in whatever i did. it was his fucking party anyway, he stole all the beer, and he punched our neighbor in the throat after we got caught. i have no idea what you are referencing but i can guarantee you have not the slightest fucking idea what you are talking about.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-25 23:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 paints you like a total douchebag. We're talking the comparison between the drug dealing party legend and the sabotaging Christian loser roommate.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-03-25 23:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#4 reminds me of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-28 08:58:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha you get another +2 for that.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-28 06:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I dont know! Tell your friends!!!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-28 03:37:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-28 03:16:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad.
Submitted by GrinMan (user info) at 2008-02-07 20:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2008-02-01 22:12:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-18 04:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
just did
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-18 03:51:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you are added. you are a welcomed addition to the ranks.
if any of you other moutherufuckers want to add me on facebosek, i am andrew olson from iilisinois state universite.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-16 12:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Friend me on Facebook, so I can indulge my internet crush on you - it's Emily Heikkila.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-07 19:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to ASU too. Had to leave - too many blackouts.
"We tailgate harder than you party."
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was houseboating 10 years ago on the Shuswap and after a fantastic day of hard drinking and other debaucherous behavior - 3 ladies of varying degrees of attractiveness (all with boyfriends) decided that it wouldn't be 'cheating' if all three of them fooled around with me (which made perfect sense) so we retired to the loft and started to get our groove on.
Quickly it became obvious I had no idea what I was doing - I found myself making out with one girl the other two would just wait for me... then when I went to the other one... the one I was just making out with got all weird and pouty so then I would go back and the 3 one who didn't get a turn yet started complaining and so I started making out with her - and then the other 2 started getting sad...
I panicked and had to get the fuck out of there.
I bet Caulaincourt would have been able to bang all 3.
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Probably. He would even have found a fourth.
But I kind of wonder about that, the whole MFFF thing. You can only give so much attention to so many people all at the same time, and by attention I mean dick. You only have one of those. You also have one face, so that covers two. That leaves a third. Fingerbang? What the fuck. They need to be working on each other or somebody's going to get bored.
Not that I need to worry about any of this. I've had a three-way kiss and thats it.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This may be the best bandwagon ever. That hat's gotta go.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:20:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was houseboating 10 years ago on the Shuswap and after a fantastic day of hard drinking and other debaucherous behavior - 3 ladies of varying degrees of attractiveness (all with boyfriends) decided that it wouldn't be 'cheating' if all three of them fooled around with me (which made perfect sense) so we retired to the loft and started to get our groove on.
Quickly it became obvious I had no idea what I was doing - I found myself making out with one girl the other two would just wait for me... then when I went to the other one... the one I was just making out with got all weird and pouty so then I would go back and the 3 one who didn't get a turn yet started complaining and so I started making out with her - and then the other 2 started getting sad...
I panicked and had to get the fuck out of there.
I bet Caulaincourt would have been able to bang all 3.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best Bandwagon Ever.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-06 23:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And you liked Miller Lite when you were little? YOU SHOULD NEVER LIKE THAT SHIT.
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I LOVED BEER when I was very short. I dont remember feeling different after I drank it, but I know I loved the flavor. My dad had to hide beer behind things he knew I wouldn't take because when I was too young to understand what beer was, I just recognized the can and knew, just knew, whatever was inside was delicious.
One of my earliest memories was back when my dad bought us the Nintendo. It was the first night we had it, and we were sitting around playing Mario, and my had company over, and he asked my mom to get three beers. I shouted over my shoulder, "I want one too!" They said I couldn't have one and I remember being incredibly frustrated.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-06 18:12:11 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe I should explain #1.
I am still Christian. I still believe in God and Jesus and all that, and I still want to read the Bhagavad Gita some day. But I dont talk to other people about religion anymore. It just doesn't seem worth it. It's such a polarizing force in life, everybody has their own opinions, and nobody can deal with anything that contradicts them.
I just dont give a shit what other people think anymore about religion, including Christians. Most people are full of shit and haven't given it any real thought.
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Wow, that...that summarizes ME so succinctly, as well. Kudos for putting words to something I've been trying to verbalize for quite some time to others.
Funny shit.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-07 05:00:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You sure were an arsehole and a coward in your youth weren't you?
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just in my youth? Always and forever!
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#75
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-07 05:00:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You sure were an arsehole and a coward in your youth weren't you?
Still, best let bygones be beagels or whatever.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-07 01:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.baseballpilgrimages.com/national/milwaukee2.jpg
The 480 footers (Sosa had a couple) went through and to the right of the slide. The steel frame at the left flank of the scoreboard is MUCH higher up and in a deeper section of the field. Bonds, again, hit his picture. Notice how far above the 400-foot center field fence that is.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-07 01:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-06 23:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you sure it was 500+ feet? I don't really believe that.
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Officially, the deepest one during the Derby was 480-something, but during BP Bonds hit his picture on the jumbotron, and Sosa hit the top of one of the steel tower frames flanking the jumbotron, which means it almost got over the track for the retractable roof (10-15 feet away). I've been to lots of baseball games, I've seen 450 foot home runs from the likes of Richie Sexson and Prince Fielder and Justin Morneau in the same stadium, but none have come close to what Bonds and Sosa were doing during batting practice. You never saw that on tv, but what I saw was incredible.
The 480 home run flew over the stands in left field and hit the panels about halfway up (it started storming outside during the Derby). I'm going to link a picture of Miller Park in a minute so you can visualize all of this.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-01-07 01:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN GHEY SHARPSHOOTERZ
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-07 00:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-06 17:46:11 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is my favorite so far.
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:(
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-06 23:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you sure it was 500+ feet? I don't really believe that.
And you liked Miller Lite when you were little? YOU SHOULD NEVER LIKE THAT SHIT.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-06 23:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I went away and did something before I reviewed this, so now I can't remember what the hell i was going to say or what this was about. I remember the usage of the work 'vodka'. +2.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-06 22:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you'll do - you can come over and sit on my couch when my daughter starts dating too - def. bring the gun.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-06 20:46:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is my favorite so far.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-06 20:41:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.stopcyberbullying.org/
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-06 20:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i have had no knuckle children today.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-06 20:00:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too much church. I jerked off no fewer than 3 times today...I think.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:26:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this is one of those things that i read, and then didn't rate because i didn't have much to say about it.
well fuck that...
it hasn't stopped me from making those other 11,000 reviews, why should it stop me here?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for putting a metal hook through a fishes face, and then feeling bad for throwing it at some water.
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hahahaha
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for putting a metal hook through a fishes face, and then feeling bad for throwing it at some water.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:14:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I also deeply resent the idea that my religion has been taught to me. I didn't start to think about what it meant until I was 17.
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:13:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy to know that you still have your faith :)
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If I could live anybody else's life, it would be Jimmy Buffett's. Imagine the ten tiny tales he could tell.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:12:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe I should explain #1.
I am still Christian. I still believe in God and Jesus and all that, and I still want to read the Bhagavad Gita some day. But I dont talk to other people about religion anymore. It just doesn't seem worth it. It's such a polarizing force in life, everybody has their own opinions, and nobody can deal with anything that contradicts them.
I just dont give a shit what other people think anymore about religion, including Christians. Most people are full of shit and haven't given it any real thought.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really do appreciate the fact you're sitting here, your voice sounds so wonderful but your face don't look too clear... I love that song. You are adorable.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked reading these. Your youth reminded me of my own youth.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you rock
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:05:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If #1 is true and accurate, then I pity you deeply. To lose your faith over something so trivial is truly a shame.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-06 19:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
these arent that tiny. oh well.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114095