Ten Tiny True Stories (690 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.46 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lostnphound (View user info) at 2008-01-07 11:45:48 EST
1. Whenever I take a piss in a public restroom I never wash my hands. I always pretend to if someone else is in the bathroom. I actually go through the trouble of actually fake washing my hands. At this juncture, I have no idea why I don't just really wash them. I do, however, always wash my hands after dropping trail.
2. When I was little, every Sunday after church my family would go to the local grocery store to get donuts and other breakfast items. Every Sunday I stole a pack of Bubble Yum from that place. The following week, I'd pray for forgiveness in church. Immediately following church, we'd go back to that same store and again I'd steal. I suppose I figured as long as I asked for forgiveness that it would be all good. I wonder if God ever forgave me for killing that guy in New York... (joking of course...or am I?).
3. Sadly, one goal of mine is to one day be able to purchase a Real Doll, funds permitting. You know, those realistic fuck dolls. I've come to the conclusion that it will be a necessity as I continue to watch myself grow older, fatter, and uglier, thus affecting my ability to get trim. But, at least the doll won't talk back.
4. When I was in fourth grade I went to my doctor for my annual check up. My doctor was an older, Asian woman if I remember correctly. She ran the standard tests and everything checked out. She went to feel my balls to make sure both had dropped. Somehow, she missed the left testicle and determined that my left ball hadn't dropped when it, indeed, had. I even tried showing it to her. She didn't buy it. I was sent to another doctor to have an ultra sound conducted on my giggle berries. Their diagnosis was that my left ball HAD dropped and that my PCP was a fucking retard. I agreed. But, I got to miss a day of school and saw a Delorean at Pizza Hut.
5. I convinced my older brother that he was adopted when we were little. Something about being the milkman's kid or something.
6. Once, I squashed my own fucking hamster to death on accident. I was letting him run around on me whilst sitting on the couch and lost track of him. During my "search and rescue" he somehow ended up under a pillow that my knee landed on with force. I still feel terrible about that.
7. I saw a fish once. Good story.
8. I shit my pants at school once and went all day with a brown trout in my undies. http://www.ubersite.com/m/111967 <---- full story.
9. I dated five girls in fifth grade at the same time. They all found out about it, came to my house, and beat the shit out me. My mother sat back and laughed.
10. In 2005 I damn near cut off my big toe with the lawnmower. Up until that day, I had never broken a bone nor had stitches. I achieved both in one fell swoop. Now all I have to show for it is a toe that looks like it has a butt crack.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114073 <--- regretted camwhore from the other day.
User Reviews
Submitted by greeneyedgrl (user info) at 2008-03-24 23:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw a Delorean just the other day, for the first time. IT WAS SO FUCKING COOL
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm adopted. After my parents told me, I tried to convince my younger sisters that they were adopted too. They cried and ran to mom to be reassured. Turns out they were.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the reviews on this post just made me go wash my hands.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How about everything you touch on your way to the bathroom? How about after you wipe your ass? Don't be ridiculous. CJ is right on.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everyone below:
I never touch anything in any bathroom, with the exception of my penis.
To answer your question, I wash it like it's a dirty, dirty whore, with soap and hot water, every day, sometimes more if it has been on the job.
I do not touch door handles to bathrooms, I just kick the door open ever so slightly with my foot.
As for toilet handles, I either push the flush with the bottom of my shoe, or don't flush at all, not that it matters because most places have auto-flush units now anyway.
In the rare occasion I do actually spill a drop or two on my hands, I do wash though.
BeforeEm, I can understand why you think that way, due to your occupation, but CJ, you're sounding like Howard Hughes here.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:36:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A part of me feared that this would spark a sanitary discussion.
Oh, how I'd love a second chance!
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just kidding ya'll.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You should listen to BeforeEm.
I, having once been a soldier, know how to get (and stay) dirty.
I've also witnessed the unpleasant outcome of poor field hygiene + time.
Not fucking pretty.
Do yourself a favor and WASH YOUR GAWDDAMNED HANDS!
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:13:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Like I said, you're not above biology. You're just not. Face it. Plus, with everybody over-using antibiotics and antibacterials, the germies are getting stronger, and someday with all your supposed "immunity" one of those super bugs is going to come and kick your ass. Believe me, I see it all the time.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was 13, my grandmother took me to the theatrical release of Rambo: First Blood part 2.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am a veteran germ collector. My years of fake washing/not washing have helped me to collect some of the most potent germs known to man. However, seeing as I don't get sick often, I can only surmise that I am immune. Or maybe I'm a germ myself. Weird.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and that may or may not be impossible.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:53:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I should start being passionate about microfilm, then.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm an emergency room nurse, I can't help it.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and btw, if you took a shit in a train toilet and DIDN'T WASH YOUR HANDS, then that's how you got the stomach flu. If you had washed your hands you may have avoided it. Fecal-oral route. You probably went to eat or something after that. You think your dick is clean but how about your asshole? Or the assholes of everybody else that shit in the same bathroom and also didn't wash your hands, don't have clean weiners, and touched all the doors and everything! Did you flush with your hands or did you use your foot! When you wash your hands you are not only washing away your own germs, but everyone else's!
***
Someone is very passionate about germs.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's correct, CJ. Why do guys think you're above biology? You're not. Germs are germs, and they are getting stronger every day. Antibacterial soap and all that crap is not the answer, it's handwashing.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:38:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BeforeEm is right. My own Momma's a nurse and she explained this point VERY clearly to me.
Just because you wash your neither regions once/twice/thrice a day doesn't mean it's hygienic. After all, your groin is one of the darkest, warmest, moistest parts of your body...where nasty germs love to live. Since you are literally surrounded by icky bugs every second of every day, you're bound to pick up stuff like that on your weewee no matter how clean you think you are.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and btw, if you took a shit in a train toilet and DIDN'T WASH YOUR HANDS, then that's how you got the stomach flu. If you had washed your hands you may have avoided it. Fecal-oral route. You probably went to eat or something after that. You think your dick is clean but how about your asshole? Or the assholes of everybody else that shit in the same bathroom and also didn't wash your hands, don't have clean weiners, and touched all the doors and everything! Did you flush with your hands or did you use your foot! When you wash your hands you are not only washing away your own germs, but everyone else's!
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OK, OK, OK, I'll fake wash my hands every time. Even if I'm alone.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You are dead wrong my friend! Please, I am educated on this particular subject, it has been drilled into my brain "The number one way to prevent infection is handwashing handwashing handwashing." Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease reconsider your methods. And how does one "wash their dick" with no water in the bathroom?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:22:57 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, no, NO! You all need to wash your hands! Don't be disgusting! You are touching all the parts of the bathroom which are nasty, and pardon me for asking, but how do you wash your dick? Hurty, that's probably how you got norovirus! Eww! As a nurse I wash my hands about a billion times a day no matter where I am, and to hear you pigs admitting it makes me sick. Blegh, blegh...
================
I doubt that very much. I took a shit in a train toilet so I'm almost sure that's where I got it from.
My dick is very clean.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, no, NO! You all need to wash your hands! Don't be disgusting! You are touching all the parts of the bathroom which are nasty, and pardon me for asking, but how do you wash your dick? Hurty, that's probably how you got norovirus! Eww! As a nurse I wash my hands about a billion times a day no matter where I am, and to hear you pigs admitting it makes me sick. Blegh, blegh...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:14:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do 1 as well.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:57:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#1, I do it also. I don't piss on myself, and I wash my dick, so I don't see the point.
---
This is what I'm saying. Glad to know there are at least two of us out there.
___________________________________________________________________
Make that three. My dicks clean. My hands are clean. I don't piss on my hands. And I feel like just entering the public restroom is asking for trouble, let alone touching anything besides my own dick.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"But, I got to miss a day of school and saw a Delorean at Pizza Hut. "
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This just in: You're still a fat fucking mass of ugly, but hey, at least number 8 made me laugh.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:57:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#1, I do it also. I don't piss on myself, and I wash my dick, so I don't see the point.
---
This is what I'm saying. Glad to know there are at least two of us out there.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#1, I do it also. I don't piss on myself, and I wash my dick, so I don't see the point.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
4. When I was in fourth grade I went to my doctor for my annual check up. My doctor was an older, Asian woman if I remember correctly. She ran the standard tests and everything checked out. She went to feel my balls to make sure both had dropped. Somehow, she missed the left testicle and determined that my left ball hadn't dropped when it, indeed, had. I even tried showing it to her. She didn't buy it. I was sent to another doctor to have an ultra sound conducted on my giggle berries. Their diagnosis was that my left ball HAD dropped and that my PCP was a fucking retard. I agreed. But, I got to miss a day of school and saw a Delorean at Pizza Hut.
===
One hundred twenty-nine words (counting the numeral) and you were able to make me both laugh and cry a little. This was an oddly beautiful story.
P.S.: I'm not a paedo.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh a few times.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This felt like a confession...and I'm not even Catholic.