Ten Tiny True Stories and a picture of me being Awesome. (925 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flack: Shitting On Your Virtual World Since 2004 (View user info) at 2008-01-07 12:50:15 EST
1: When I was in 3rd grade, I was cast in a school christmas musical. My part was that of a hip-hop dancing elf. At the time, Quincy Jones had just come out with his "Back on The Block" album and I was into break dancing. I ended up falling on my ass when I attempted a windmill during the performance. I cried and left the stage.
2: In 4th grade, I was cast as the lead in the school musical about Thomas Edison. At the time, I had a soprano voice. On opening night, during a song I sang all by myself, I suddenly hit puberty and became an "off-tenor."
3: In high school, I took a class called "Hobby/Art Welding." It was a class dedicated to making random shit out of metal using welding tools. While putting the finishing braze on a project, I dropped the rod on my pants. It burned through and burnt my dick. I went to the emergency room.
4: One night, between my junior and senior years of HS, I went out with some friends and got hammered drunk off a bottle of 100 proof Popov vodka. When I came home, around 3am, my dad had waited up for me. As I approached the door, he opened it. I stood there, and like a drunken idiot, rang the doorbell. He told me he already had the door opened. I then proceeded to projectile vomit all over him.
5: I once got to blow the shit out of an entire explosives cache that my unit confiscated in Iraq. The Blast radius was unbelievably huge and it turned the once level ground into a 17 foot deep crater. I made sure to take a piss in it before I left.
6: One time I got so drunk with an ex girlfriend that I puked all over her crotch when I went down on her.
7: Another time when I was in Iraq, me and a couple buddies got punished by our Battalion sergeant Major for not wearing the prescribed eyewear on the camp (You could only wear ballistic sunglasses, we were wearing aviators). We ended up having to pull Port-O-Crapper guard which meant that we had to stand outside a portajohn at parade rest until someone ame to use it. Then we would snap to attention and sing:
A guy named Abu
Sucks out the poo
From this Port-o-shitter
Theres a seat for your bum
A floor for your cum
A urinal for your spitter
8: I once drunk dialed a random number for the simple purpose of harassing a total stranger. By sheer coincidence, I ended up getting a hold of the principal of the school my mother teaches at. I told him to lick my balls.
9: When I went to South Padre Island for a long weekend in February 2004, I went to Mexico with my cousin. We saw a donkey show. It was the most revolting thing I've ever seen.
10: I went skiing one time at Searchmont, Ontario (Canada). There was a series of three jumps on a long slope. I hit, flew, and perfectly landed each jump. After the final land, I looked behind me in pride. When I turned my head forward again, I crashed into a Beginners ski class filled with 5-8 year olds at the bottom of the slope. Regrettably, I plowed into 3 young kids.
User Reviews
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-09-30 15:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never had the pleasure of seeing a huge control det. I saw a 500 pound bomb hit a house before though it was pretty fuckin' rad.
Submitted by BeerPong (user info) at 2008-09-30 15:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the only one that I got through reading all 10 without snoring.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-09-30 15:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ever seen a 400 ton explosion? i have and it's glorious.
i was out in Anbar and i got to watch the guys out there blow up massive, massive amounts of explosives. we were in the absolute middle of the desert with nothing around for miles and miles. it was totally badass i may have to post pictures now.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-09-30 13:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:47:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was, indeed, filled with the awesome.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:39:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do all soldiers take as good care of your teeth as you do?
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haha, they are some glow in the dark teeth.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Guitar +2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I set my ponytail on fire with my MIG welder once, in my garage. Most severe haircut I'd had in five years.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:15:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This one time, at band camp.....
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
go to shlongys ranch.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:55:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to blow the shit out of an explosives cache as well. or at least create a crater and piss in it.
how do i do that without becoming a soldier?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:54:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Y HALO THAR MUTANT FINGERS
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A 40lb. cratering charge will make a 8 ft. deep hole, so I'm guessing that your explosion was in the 100-150 lb range to make a 17 ft. crater.
We blew the windows out of the PA governor's mansion setting off 400 lb charges one time. That ended our demo training for that FTX.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:30:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like you're picking the fuck out of "Hot Cross Buns," you fucking beginner.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:03:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do all soldiers take as good care of your teeth as you do?
---------------------------------
No.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome indeed.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do all soldiers take as good care of your teeth as you do?
---------------------------------
No.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the only one that I got through reading all 10 without snoring.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:57:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture is metal
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:57:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Barfalingus.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great skiing
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:52:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God dammit I keep forgetting to rate.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sounds like you drink a lot. Or awesome stuff happens to you while drunk.
That is an awesome picture, indeed.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do all soldiers take as good care of your teeth as you do?