I wanna talk about ME.Ten Stories. (699 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nitty (View user info) at 2008-01-07 14:57:19 EST
1. In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
2. On May 15th, 2007 I made my first hole-in-one playing golf. That brings the running total up to Nitty: 1 Shlongy: 0.
3. When I was in college I regularly played pickup basketball against Julius Peppers, the All-Pro defensive end for the Carolina Panthers. This is before he began playing basketball on the North Carolina team. At that point he was around 245 with about 7% body fat. Running into him was not enjoyable. He is a very quiet, very nice guy.
4. Last week some jackoff I've never met, never talked to, skulled me with a beer bottle at a bar. No good reason. 12 stitches and a vial of Vic later, I'm hoping he has money because I'm going to take it all. Cops said he mistook me for someone else. Just lucky, I guess.
5. People say I'm an idiot because all I do is cut lawns for a living.Well, I'm working on it
so I don't ever have to...I'll be the head greenskeeper...hopefully within six years.
That's my schedule. But I am studying this stuff, so I know it...you know, like...chinch bugs. You know...manganese. A lot of people don't even know what that is.
Nitrogen....
6. Mudwhistle went to rehab NOT becuse his dad found a pair of his wife's drawers behind Muddy's dresser. They were his dad's underbritches. Muddy is a sick bastard. That's why I like him. It's not his fault he was born a yank. He's a redneck at heart.
7. This stupid ass bandwagon has been done before. http://www.ubersite.com/m/80451
8. I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
9. Sensai Kreese once threw me off the karate team because I refused to sweep Daniel's leg.
10. Whilst on a golf weekend with Shlongy in Binghamton, I was the only knucklehead of the group to actually WIN money in the Seneca casinos. That weekend also included a few of us getting yelled at by a wedding party in our hotel for joining in on the picture taking. Also, after a long night of drinking, I woke up in my room with my room key in my pocket and my business card in the key slot in the door. No idea how.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 20:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess 99.9% of Uber hasn't watched Bull Durham 47 times like you have.
Or, like I have.
Idiots.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:55:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I also believe in the sweet spot.
There is nothing in my life I have ever done that has felt quite like connecting with a baseball in the perfect way, during an actual game. Especially in a close game, at the right moment, and hard enough back to the pitcher that he tries to move instead of field it.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was very much expecting the Bel-Air song to wind up in one of these posts.
I guess this is as close as I'm gonna get. Still funny, still satisfying.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
meh, i guess
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe that you're fucking incredibly smokin' hot.
I believe that you were going to knock some dudes teeth down his throat for flirting with me.
I believe that strip clubs in Myrtle Beach don't allow the nips to be shown.
I believe it's best to leave anything that vibrates at home when flying.
I believe I haven't drinking that much tequila in years.
I believe in long drives and intense sexual chemistry.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SWEEP THE LEG!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFlQNtL8F9s
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:52:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 - You Goonie.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
allllll righty than
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
4. Last week some jackoff I've never met, never talked to, skulled me with a beer bottle at a bar. No good reason. 12 stitches and a vial of Vic later, I'm hoping he has money because I'm going to take it all. Cops said he mistook me for someone else. Just lucky, I guess.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Strangely enough, I know someone who had this very same thing happen to him. Tragic.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:31:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, I think he's probably more upset over the fact that you got laid in 2007 and he didn't.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:25:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're still mad that we pissed on your poem contest, aren't you?
P.S. This last one was your best yet.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"My Uninteresting Life," by Nitty
~ fin.
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate softcore porno almost as much as I hate when they dub movies with churched up language.
"Screw you - you little runt" does not satisfy anywhere near as much as "FUCK YOU - YOU FUCKING CUNT."
Plus I like to see all the dirty dirty humping.
------
mother FATHER chinese DENTIST
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate softcore porno almost as much as I hate when they dub movies with churched up language.
"Screw you - you little runt" does not satisfy anywhere near as much as "FUCK YOU - YOU FUCKING CUNT."
Plus I like to see all the dirty dirty humping.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed at the key/bus. card switch.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:11:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm assuming this means your real life is less interesting than pretend lives.
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Absolutely. Now go write me a poem about it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm assuming this means your real life is less interesting than pretend lives.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:10:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HEY? DID YOU GO ON A GOLF TRIP WITH SHLONGY??
YOU'D HAVE THOUGHT ONE OF YOU FUCKING HOMOS WOULD HAVE MENTIONED IT ON A BILLION POSTS AND IN ALMOST EVERY REVIEW EITHER OF YOU DROOLING TARDS HAS WRITTEN.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THORNS...LOVE...NITTY!
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:08:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one---big hitter, the Lama---long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Soft-core? Really?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:07:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Manganese is an element on the periodic chart.
To be honest, I only know because Jerry Seinfeld makes a joke about it in some of his stand up material.
Hey, fucking idiot.
He was channeling Bill Murray, ya goddamn rocket scientist.
The pond would be good for you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
STFU, NOOB.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Manganese is an element on the periodic chart.
To be honest, I only know because Jerry Seinfeld makes a joke about it in some of his stand up material.
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Someone please clue Noonan in, here.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's even worse. You CHOSE to move to Jersey.
Don't run away from your feelings...
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Manganese is an element on the periodic chart.
To be honest, I only know because Jerry Seinfeld makes a joke about it in some of his stand up material.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
born a yank?
BORN A YANK!
Frankfort, KY you fucking malcontent.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"1. In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life. "
Hey Ma, I think that I'm starting to like this kid.