Ten Tiny True Stories + photographic proof that EmissionImpossible is my long lost brother (912 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: camwhores
Rating: 1.67 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2008-01-07 16:21:28 EST
10. Ever since my baby sister of two years younger learned to talk, she was quite adept in the art of persuasion. And no one fell prey to this more often than me. I would generally do whatever she asked "because she told me to do it." Most notably, whacking off her pigtails with pinking shears when I was about five years old.
My punishment? Mom let my sister cut MY hair. It was the worst bowl cut EVAR - by a three year old girl, at least.
9. Mom didn't believe me either when I said that she told me to tie her to the supporting beam in the basement whilst playing cops and robbers, which happened about a week later.
My sister really DIDN'T mind being tied up in the dark for an hour attended. Makes me wonder about her sex life now, though.
8. When I was six, I committed my first and last theft - a Bumblebee Transformer from my friend Bill. We were playing at his house, and I just HAD to have it, so I snuck it home with my toys.
Mothers seem to know EVERYTHING about their spawn, however, and she KNEW it wasn't my toy once she saw it, so a week later when I went back over to play, not only did I have to give THAT toy back and apologize, I also had to buy him a NEW Transformer as I'd broken his Bumblebee. :(
7. When I was twelve, I wrote a dirty poem in the middle of seventh grade English class out of sheer boredom. It was working its way around the room, and had stopped on the desk of the girl of my then-wet-dreams, who giggled so loud that Mrs. Shaffer walked over and picked up the poem.
"Who wrote this?"
"THORNS DID IT!" five girls yelled and started laughing hystericall as they pointed toward me.
I managed to sneak the poem off of her desk after class, but she still told my mom about it, likening my creative writing to "that of the next Robert Frost, if he'd just clean up his language."
Mom, being the disciplinarian that she was, made me reconstruct the whole damn thing from memory. I conveniently left out the line, "In and out, in and out, sucking, sucking all about."
6. Me and five other guys from my dorm floor collected nearly a full gallon of Papa John's pizza sauce during sophomore year of undergrad school. Being on the top floor of the dorm, we stashed it in the ceiling over the summer, and shortly after our return the following year, it exploded from heat buildup one day and ate through the ceiling tile, covering a guy in the room next door who was feverishly masturbating on top of his loft. (See http://www.ubersite.com/m/57879 for the full details.)
5. Me and two other guys from my student apartment complex, in all of our glorious stupidity, failed to check the weather forecast before going winter camping and nearly froze to death in the blizzard of '99 after waking up to near two feet of snow around the tent. (Again, see http://www.ubersite.com/m/58343 for more details.)
4. I don't remember how it started, but a cookie fight broke out on our dorm floor between a few guys, and Oreos were flying left and right. One guy (we'll call him Nitty) manages to wing an Oreo through the crack of a door just as it's closing, not unlike the Tie Fighter manuever in Star Wars, and unknowingly hit the other guy (we'll call him Shlongy) square in the teeth.
Three minutes later, as Nitty's taking a leak in a bathroom stall and I'm in there washing my hands, Shlongy steals into the bathroom quietly holding a sock in one hand with a soup can in the toe. I suddenly heard a quiet "fwoosh-fwoosh-fwoosh-CRUNCH" as he swung it like a bola and belted Nitty directly in the elbow with the soup can.
Never since have I seen such a crazed expression or such an immense look of pain. The damn soup can was dented nearly in two.
I don't care HOW crazy you get in college, there are just some things that aren't acceptable, and one of them is attacking a man while he's in the john. I still can't believe Nitty didn't kill Shlongy on the spot.
3. I nearly got expelled from undergrad school at the end of my junior year for verbally harassing the aforementioned masturbator about winning the dorm vote to make the whole dorm non-smoking. Apparently "freedom of speech" is a figure of speech at my school. Fortunately, thanks to my otherwise gleaming record, I wound up with a semester of disciplinary probation, which amounted to nothing more than a slap on the wrist.
2. Three grown men on the same sled, sliding down a hilly mixture of snow and ice, is ALWAYS a bad idea. Especially when their combined weight is 400 pounds.
My lower back has never been quite the same since that cold day during my senior year of college when we hit that hidden dirt ramp in the park and went flying into the air. At least I was the one that landed on top, though.
1. I cried from joy on my wedding day, along with my wife. Is it any wonder I have a penchant for Broadway musicals?
ADMIT IT, YOU ALL WEPT AT YOUR WEDDINGS TOO, YA BIG SOFTIES.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-08 14:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-08 11:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you WISH you looked like me!
I would still spoon with you though.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-01-08 11:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sigh.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-08 09:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-01-07 22:56:21 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
you look more like jpeg...sad as that may be.
------------------------------
OUCH, bob...ouch. I shall now weep.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-08 09:12:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:42:54 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
3 of you weighed 400 pounds???
That's a bit on the low end.
----------------------------
Yeah, slightly, but not much, considering I was the tallest/heaviest at 200 lbs, the smallest guy was just a hair around 100 lbs, and guy #3 was somewhere in between. So I guess 450 is more accurate.
Still, it brings back phantom pain in my lower back to this day thinking about it. :(
Submitted by Eugene_Luther (user info) at 2008-01-08 04:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-01-08 02:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nick cage would play you in a movie.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-01-07 23:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you look more like jpeg...sad as that may be.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 19:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I get 1/2 a chest for 1/2 full petition? http://www.ubersite.com/m/113583#2620304
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I have your sister's number?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yeah. I 'amemebered.
I love musicals and I didn't cry at my own wedding.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i forgot what I was going to say
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:42:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
3 of you weighed 400 pounds???
That's a bit on the low end.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not only is it not freezing anymore, there is a THUNDERSTORM!! This is GREAT!!!
I love global warming. I'll be dead before it's time for me to care that the earth is being destroyed, so it's probably a myth. Murphy's Law dictates that if it were real it would already be fucking up my life. THIS IS JUST THE OPPOSITE!!! Although it better be cold enough to go snowboarding on thursday because it's the only time this winter I will be able to go, most likely. Chances are it WILL BE!!
hahaha at the camwhore. nailed the expression.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The largest rating always goes last, Apollo.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:10:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:52:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NICE
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:06:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahhaah Mr Uniter, how we have missed you.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Regarding number 8, i bet you broke bumblebees head, i did and had to stick his head down, i never saw bumblebee's head again. :(
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know all about my sisters sex lives. Some things i wish I didn't know. but I don't think it's strange at all.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rob - all I have to say is that WONDERING about a sibling's sex life is infinitely better than KNOWING about it.
Leonore - granted, she got the better end of the looks genes than me. But I'd have to be incredibly drunk to even THINK about that.
God, I feel dirty now just talking about this. Who brought it up anyhow?
Oh, yeah.
THANKS A HEAP ROBERT BERG, YOU JUST RUINED MY ERECTABILITY FOR A WHOLE WEEK :(
===
Cue obligatory "needs more rape" comment.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
daddyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:56:45 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
admit it...
you've jerked off to thoughts of your sister. no matter what you say, we all know the truth now. the disgusting fucking, thinking about your sister while you stroke your pole truth.
-----------------------------
Only when I plaster a picture of your head on her body, schnookums.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:56:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
admit it...
you've jerked off to thoughts of your sister. no matter what you say, we all know the truth now. the disgusting fucking, thinking about your sister while you stroke your pole truth.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry.
YER A PERVERT.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:54:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot all about that fucking petition. Attn: Lemmings go here and sign up if you aren't already signed up. http://www.ubersite.com/m/113583
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rob - all I have to say is that WONDERING about a sibling's sex life is infinitely better than KNOWING about it.
Leonore - granted, she got the better end of the looks genes than me. But I'd have to be incredibly drunk to even THINK about that.
God, I feel dirty now just talking about this. Who brought it up anyhow?
Oh, yeah.
THANKS A HEAP ROBERT BERG, YOU JUST RUINED MY ERECTABILITY FOR A WHOLE WEEK :(
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:45:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My sister really DIDN'T mind being tied up in the dark for an hour attended. Makes me wonder about her sex life now, though.
===
Incest is Best.
Put your sister to the Test!
I'm sorry. :(
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:41:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My sister really DIDN'T mind being tied up in the dark for an hour attended. Makes me wonder about her sex life now, though.
---
You wonder about your sister's sex life?
um...
ew.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yer a big softy.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:35:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EI is well ugly
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:35:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:32:18 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds interesting, CT.
Much better than slinging books or being some professor's Printing Whore all day.
----------------------------
Well, I will admit that I see/hear a lot of interesting things working for a hospital network. :) That, and a lot of the RNs/MDs on my team are apparently closet drinkers, given the events that ensued at our office Christmas party.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BOING
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:33:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:29:26 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where be the facial hair?!
=============================
I shaved it off a month or so ago when I got my hair highlighted. It just didn't fit with the hair.
No worries though, I can grow it back within two weeks, tops, once the color fades. :)
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My marriage ceremony was carried live on the 6 o'clock news in the University town in which it occurred on the University campus which MLWaI attended and I did not cry. Truth.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds interesting, CT.
Much better than slinging books or being some professor's Printing Whore all day.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:29:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:25:26 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
What is it like to work in an office? I've always wondered. The "Office Guy" civilization is a fascinating and mysterious one.
==========================
I'm feverishly working in my spare time to build my own client base for my currently part-time home-based business, if that tells you anything.
Granted, the benefits of working for a large local corporation are good, but job satisfaction can't be bought. This is just something to do for the time being until my business is large/stable enough.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where be the facial hair?!
Fun read, but the cookie fight story says 'tame' and 'sheltered'.
Hardly the stabbings and shootings one witnesses in the news over there.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woah. Just woah.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:25:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not nearly as much Y HALO THAR as EI.
Still cute.
What is it like to work in an office? I've always wondered. The "Office Guy" civilization is a fascinating and mysterious one.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
10-1. You just have to be different, don't you? :)
I can't keep up with these. Now, to read.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know about the rest of you but it creeps me out how much EI and I look alike: http://www.ubersite.com/m/114121