Director's Ten Tiny True Stories (784 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.97 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EbolaMay (View user info) at 2008-01-07 16:29:12 EST
1. When I was 16 I got so wasted on tequilla in Tepic, Nayarit, Mexico that I, apparently, told my cousin to "suck my left nut." I don't remember the incident but she and her family are devout Jehova's witnesses and I never lived it down. To this day she'll bring it up. I'm not sure, but I think I might have boned a Mexican girl in the auto body shop I worked at that same night.
2. I have spent nearly my entire life on the northern and southern borders of the United States of America. I have lived near the Canadian border since 1993. Prior to that, I had lived near the Mexican border my entire life except for while I was in the military.
3. When I first moved to Michigan, there were very few Hispanic people here. Now it's like Texas and California and they're everywhere.
4. Quitting drinking is one of the hardest things I have ever accomplished.
5. I saved my stepson's life twice. Once he fell through the ice on the lake behind our house, and I remembered reading in "Boy's Life" magazine as a kid how to rescue someone who had fallen through. Sure as shit, that advice worked. Not bad for a guy from Texas. The other time, when he was a toddler, he was swatting my leg. I looked down and realized he was choking on a piece of candy. I did the Heimlich on him and it flew out of his mouth.
5. Those are probably the most worthwhile things I have done in my entire life.
6. When I was in boot camp, I learned that a lot of black people don't like the water or swimming. Odd considering THEY HAD JOINED THE NAVY. Before you could graduate you had to jump off a diving board and swim the length of an Olympic sized pool both ways. One black kid stood on the board terrified, frozen stiff, instructors yelling at him to jump. Finally he kind of fell off, and promptly sank like a rock. It was hilarious because they have SEAL divers standing by for rescue so the kid was fine, but watching him sink like a brick was fucking awesome.
7. Another navy story. There was a kid on my ship who was so fucking fat, smelly, stupid and repulsive that I was put on "shower watch" to make sure he soaped up. That was awful. Princess Diana was still alive then and she came on television on our office once. He said, "SHWING!" as if he had a chance in 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 babillion of ever tapping that ass.
8. I came out of "retirement" just to join this idiotic bandwagon. Don't expect to see me again anytime soon, cocksmiths.
9. I had a salmon BLT for lunch today. It was maaaahvalous.
10. I think I'm going to rub one out tonight. I think I'll imagine this Puerto Rican chick I know, who has the greatest ass I have seen in a long, long time.
User Reviews
Submitted by maf54 (user info) at 2008-05-14 03:54:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
or was it the really manly drinking?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-08 15:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-08 14:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-08 11:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No mention of your's truly?! Pfft... -2die.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-08 08:22:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i mean haven't we already heard every fucking story of your life?
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-01-07 21:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My wife didn't leave me, baldy jewboy.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 20:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Did you mention that story about where your wife left you and you becamse a busboy???
THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES THAT YOU TELL!
Over and over again...
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-07 19:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Boo-Tay!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:06:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:37:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you seen Jennifer Lopez lately? She's big as a damn barn with twins. She still looks pretty hot though IMHO.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a broken record.
I can't believe you didn't mention your failed marriages.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
shut the fuck up and get me another bottle of wine.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:55:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Good to see ya still floating around the ether.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking schmuck. Are you still waiting tables?
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ten stories and not a one mention of your career.
Good job on expanding your material!