Ten Medium Sized True Stories (576 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ex Lux Astrum (View user info) at 2008-01-07 21:19:49 EST
1) I once got sooo stoned (lost-in-a-fog, zombie-like stoned) , that once I arrived back home for a family function, I immediately repaired to the bathroom to douche my eyes out with Visine. Unfortunately, after peeling back my eye-lids and dumping a cascade of "Visine" into my poor, naked, tender eyeball....did I realize that the plastic bottle I grabbed on the counter contained isopropyl alcohol. Ow.
2) I once had a layover in Beirut, Lebanon (these were the days when airline tickets had multiple layer carbon tissue-paper in them). Apparently I must have eaten something rank (sheep eyes, camel balls?? Whatever-the-fuck they scarf over there), and had to take an immediate, horrendous shit. Waddling as fast as possible to the nearest "bathroom" (the toilet was a fucking hole in the ground, with indented feet engravings showing you where to squat...fucking ragheads are so charming), I ripped my pants down and underwent a cataclysmic, explosive turd-decompression. I looked around wild-eyed for toilet paper—non-existant. After using my underwear, I proceeded to use the remainder of my airline ticket to finish my grotesque ablutions. At the ticket counter, I asked for another ticket. They refused, asking "what happened to your other ticket". I gleefully yelled at the top of my lungs, "because your airport is a shithole, and your shithole is a shithole, I had to wipe my hairy ass with it".
3) After a night of boozing and whoring, I brought some bimbo home during a blizzard in upstate New York. Fifteen minutes into drunken, porno monkey-sex, she screams in ecstacy and.....and I feel my mattress getting unnaturally wet. "Gee, she's a juicy skank, this one...." I'm thinking, when I realized she peed all over me and my mattress. I grabbed the naked skank and through her out into the blizzard, naked, followed by my deluged mattress.
4) Back in the old college days, some dubious, devious, derelict friends-of-a- friend came to visit us. Apparently they had ripped off a pharmaceutical warehouse in Brooklyn, and had a trunk full of barbituate loot (Tuinal, Seconal, Methaqualone, Dilaudid...lions and tigers and bears O my). After drinking beer and eating pills, we stumbled into an Army Navy store and proceeded to make multiple trips back and forth emptying pilfered clothes into the trunk (half pharmacy) of the car. Arriving back at the dorm, we noticed a black car behind us. Two plainsclothed policemen (NY Bureau of Criminal Investigation) leapt out and questioned us. . They told us that we didn't match the description of some criminals that had robbed a gun store in Poughkeepsie...sorry to have detained us. We laughed we were so delirious. If only they had looked in the trunk...
5) I once dropped my fishing pole in the river while catfishing. Beer drinking was once again involved. It was on the Rufiji River, in the Selous Game Reserve, in Tanzania. Unthinkingly (as you might notice many of my beer/drug episodes tend to be), I jumped into the murky river after my beloved fishing pole. I felt around the muck on the bottom, and found the pole with my toes. I heard muffled screaming from the surface. Emerging, my friend Peters' wide-eyed., panicked gaze said volumes....behind me was an army of pissed-off hippos cruising towards me. Cartoon-like, I launched myself into the skiff, and we barely out-ran the irate "water-horses" (fucking piss-ant Evinrude 20 horsepower).
6) I once got the clap (non-specific urethritis, if that makes it anymore glamorous). I went to the doctor's office, and checked in with the receptionist...she was gorgeous...I drooled. " What seems to be the problem today", she asked, filling out paperwork. Now, obviously, I wasn't going to tell HER my schlong was illin', so I tell her "It's my foot.....". Twenty minutes later, in the exam room, the doctor asks me seriously, "So, what's wrong with your foot, son?" "Well, Doc", I respond even more seriously, "my dick keeps dripping on it....."
7) I once drank ¼ a bottle of Johnny Walker Red with a friend. That being said, it probably wasn't a good idea at 19340 feet at the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro. I dry heaved all the way down to 17000 feet.
8) If you want to stop a bad habit, do it in excess. When I was thirteen, my parents made me bartender at their New Years Eve party. I probably consumed 4 blender fulls of Whisky Sour...after pinching all the ladies asses and swinging from the chandelier, I spent New Years day with a bucket under me, puking bile and Whisky Sour. To this day, the smell of that vile concoction still makes me ill. Similarly, after going on a juice diet last year for 10 days, the smell of juiced veggies and fruit makes me want to projectile-vomit.
9) I was a bartender during my college years for extra money. I was a wanton god. I used my power for evil, having probably porked 300 women during my 4 year tenure as a lothario-cum-mixologist.
10) Don't sell drugs. Out of 8 friends from my decadent past (I am a changed man now...uh-huh), 3 are dead from over-dosing, 1 drove off a cliff in a brand new 1987 Corvette, 2 were shot dead, and 2 are still being butt-fucked in the pen. The moral of these stories, kiddies, is MODERATION.................
**burp**
User Reviews
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-08 14:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to be you when I grow up
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-08 13:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
true or not they're entertaining
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-08 12:02:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HEY!! this is moose turd pie!!!
But it's good
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-08 08:02:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Too surreal and unbelievable.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-08 07:29:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
number 6 is way bosh
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-07 21:57:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 21:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why are you still alive?
*************
He's your son,and you love him, ya fuckin' retard.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 21:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why are you still alive?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 21:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
6) I once got the clap (non-specific urethritis, if that makes it anymore glamorous). I went to the doctor's office, and checked in with the receptionist...she was gorgeous...I drooled. " What seems to be the problem today", she asked, filling out paperwork. Now, obviously, I wasn't going to tell HER my schlong was illin', so I tell her "It's my foot.....". Twenty minutes later, in the exam room, the doctor asks me seriously, "So, what's wrong with your foot, son?" "Well, Doc", I respond even more seriously, "my dick keeps dripping on it....."
---
If this is a true story - awesome.
If not, I don't really give a shit.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 21:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment