Ten Tiny True Stories (705 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Littledan (View user info) at 2008-01-08 17:57:29 EST
1) I fart in public all the time. I have mastered the art of the "Silent But Deadly", which allows me to fart upwards of thirty times a day, and never get caught.
2) My goals in life are to wear a new pair of socks everyday, and to hop a freight train across Canada.
3) I told my girlfriend in the 8th grade that I had AIDS so that she would break up with me. She never found out the difference until my last year of high school, when she was living 2 hours away.
4) I own a 9mm that my grandfather took off a Nazi officer on his way to an execution. He traded it for a pack of cigarettes.
5) On the radio show I had in university, I would make a conscious effort to play the most varied music you could hear in one hour. The same night, I have played Crass, Etta James, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Emperor, and Pelican. I followed this with the Lower Class Brats, Tom Jones, Snoop Dogg, The Streets and some Irish Rebel songs.
6) I do not look people that I do not like in the eye. It is not out of fear; I do not believe that they warrant my respect. On first meetings however, a firm handshake and eye contact is a given.
7) I once funneled a Colt 45 in 4 seconds. I then proceeded to violently cough up foam.
8) I have a guilty pleasure for 80's power ballads, bubblegum pop hits, and the New Kids on the Block. These songs complement the Black/Death Metal, Oi!, Classic Rock and Blues in my mp3 collection quite nicely.
9) Having never smoked crack, I often find myself fantasizing about losing myself in a binge long and hard enough to make me cough black blood, and lose everything I own.
10) I believe that in the event of a zombie invasion, the safest place to be would be a Wal-Mart. If there is ammunition there, you could live for years by yourself there. Bonus if it is an isolated store not in a mall, there is only one public entrance with glass doors, which could be blocked off with shelving. I have discussed this with people on more than one occasion.
User Reviews
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-01-09 11:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-08 19:18:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it very important that everyone have a zombie invasion exit strategy.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-09 11:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have listened to your radio station back in the day.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-09 10:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck walmart, i'll be in the super target
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-09 04:11:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-09 03:35:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Boutros Boutros Ghali
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-01-08 22:03:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of handshakes, I find it slightly repulsive when people give weak shakes with just their fingers. Why is that?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-08 21:28:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-01-08 21:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
These can't all be true, if what you said in your reviews is even close to accurate.
Canada never fought in a war. The closest thing to an army they've ever had was the mounties, and they're mall cops or park rangers on a government paycheck.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-08 20:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-08 19:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I appreciate diversity in music.
I haven't eaten in a long time so maybe it's just me but I'm confused about your gun story. How did your grandfather take it from an officer but yet trade it and now still have it? Is it that he traded the cigarettes to the officer in exchange for the gun? I think it's the "gave" that confuses me. That made me think he ganked it unbeknownst to the officer but then you mention a trade. Then that begs the question what the hell was an officer stopping to make a trade for on his way to an execution? Sounds pretty lackadaisical for a nazi. None of this implies I don't believe you because I do, I'm just speculating out loud, so to speak..or..type.
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Methinks the Lady doth think too much. . .
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-08 20:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooooh, the Nazi was on the way to his OWN execution..that story is awesome!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2008-01-08 20:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Walmart is where we would all be on a Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-08 20:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-08 19:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the Nazi thing was pretty funny, but I just watched the funniest commercial ever, starring LeBron James, which made me convulse with laughter.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-08 19:37:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My zombie invasion exit strategy is to get bit in the hand so I can still effectively hunt and kill all the humans I'd like, except for Ving Rhames, for fear that he'd blow my undead fucking head off with a sawed off.
Submitted by dismas712 (user info) at 2008-01-08 19:35:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you know i thought about walmart for my plan but i guess i didnt use the reasoning you did. my plan was just to go get a bunch of peop- come to think of it it wasnt really a plan....im using yours.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2008-01-08 19:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Clarification on the Gun:
My Grandfather served in WW2, for the Canadians. He was a gunner stationed overseas. He was present when a Nazi officer was to be executed, and on the way to his death, he offered my grandfather his gun in exchange for his pack of cigarettes. I guess the officer (not my grandfather) figured he had no more use for the gun, and the smokes would be more useful as he faced his death.
The AIDS Thing:
I blatantly lied to her. It was one of those immature junior high romances, and rather than be all emotional, I thought it would be funny to tell her I had AIDS. I told her in hopes that she'd break up with me, but I think I actually ended breaking up with her, so that she wouldn't "catch it".
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-08 19:18:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it very important that everyone have a zombie invasion exit strategy.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-08 19:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I appreciate diversity in music.
I haven't eaten in a long time so maybe it's just me but I'm confused about your gun story. How did your grandfather take it from an officer but yet trade it and now still have it? Is it that he traded the cigarettes to the officer in exchange for the gun? I think it's the "gave" that confuses me. That made me think he ganked it unbeknownst to the officer but then you mention a trade. Then that begs the question what the hell was an officer stopping to make a trade for on his way to an execution? Sounds pretty lackadaisical for a nazi. None of this implies I don't believe you because I do, I'm just speculating out loud, so to speak..or..type.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-08 19:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Impressive, but I don't understand the AIDS part.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-08 18:34:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-08 18:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
10) I believe that in the event of a zombie invasion, the safest place to be would be a Wal-Mart. If there is ammunition there, you could live for years by yourself there. Bonus if it is an isolated store not in a mall, there is only one public entrance with glass doors, which could be blocked off with shelving. I have discussed this with people on more than one occasion.
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haaaaaaa I hate wal-mart might be the only way to get me in one.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-08 18:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#10 - Good point. Thanks for the tip.
And you would have video games to play.
YEAH!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-08 18:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry your grandpa was executed.
F'realz, tho, the gun thing is eeerie/cool (yes, a combo)