10 stories, 1 unneccesary picture. (1287 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Monkeyswithguns (View user info) at 2008-01-09 22:58:46 EST
1. I once had a lesbian butch friend named Amanda. She dressed like a guy, had a guy's attitude, wore the strap on in her relationship, and her girlfriend was hot.
Amanda once asked me to take a trip up to Washington D.C. to meet up with her girlfriend, and just hang out for the weekend, smoke weed, and drink. She made me promise though that I wouldn't be a dick and hit on her girl, and I agreed. I like to believe that I was a much nicer person then.
We got up there, and got a hotel room, and her girlfriend's sister bought us some beer, and we all set in for a good night. Her girlfriend wanted to smoke, so I rolled up a jay in a page from "The Watcher's" bible, and we smoked out, drank, and watched TV til midnight when I fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning, and they were just waking up also, and as I slid my legs over out of bed, I made certain to swing out in the direction of her girl, just to try and catch a peek, and when I did so in my boxers, one leg was bunched up and my penis was hanging out.
On the way home I joked with her about how I could now tell everyone I spent a night in a hotel room with a couple of hot lesbians. She told me that her girlfriend had wanted me to join in, and she considered it. After she told me that, she pretty much stopped hanging out with me.
Missing out is one of my bigger regrets on life.
2> A friend I had growing up lived down a series of winding dirt roads, and on one of these roads lived a diplomat of sorts from D.C.. I'm not sure what type, and it really doesn't matter, making this entire sentence redundant.
My friend would dress up in a ninja suit and break into this guys house from time to time, for the thrill more than anything, as it was his home away from work, and he would be gone for a month at at a time. He would check the mailbox, and if it was full, nobody was home.
I went with him once, and we took several bottles of Blue Caracua, Blue Tarantula, some vodka, and rum, and I took a Crown Royal bag full of Half and Silver Dollars. My friend wanted to take a .45, but I wisely cautioned him to leave it be, it was more trouble than the fun it would be.
A year later, he went back in there with 2 friends, who had broken the lock on the garage and stolen more than $15,000 of high grade power tools, then turned around and pawned them in the same small town that it took place in only a week before. The man caught them and shot and killed two of them, including my friend with the .45 I talked him out of stealing.
3)While I was living out of the Stonewall Jackson Hotel, in beautiful downtown Staunton, VA, I got drunk off of tequila, got a cab to take me to the mall, where I put on the most ridiculous faked posh yuppie accent I could muster and bought 5 porn magazines from Waldenbooks before vomiting in the fountain.
4-The first pornographic movie I ever watched was with my cousin, who had stolen it from his father. It was a bestiality film with pigs screwing these white trash country women, who actually wore a kind of leather blanket on their backs to protect against the hooves. I remember the pigs having spiral penii and there were several seperate scenes with different girls, another one having a donkey involved, and another a dog.
His dad had a HUGE crack addiction, as attested by my father who smoked it with him on occasion, and eventually sold almost everything they had, before shooting himself in the foot with a .22 rifle in some "cry for help" suicide while he was drunk and high.
This prompted my mother to threaten divorce if my father didn't quit drinking, following the lead of his mother. Both of our fathers were put into expensive rehab clinics by their respective father-in-laws, who rightly thought them to be pathetic losers, which transferred to us as the sons of pathetic losers.After our fathers got out, they stopped hanging out, and soon after his family all moved to Va. Beach.
5 years ago, they moved back. His father started smoking crack again, his wife left, and he kicked the shit out of him for it.
I'm slightly envious of him.
FIVE (5): When I was 11, the same cousin and I, along with our respective fathers, and my grandfather, worked for this yuppie, clearing 5 acres of plowed field, picking up handfuls of twigs and broken branches, and leaves and throwing them into the bucket of a loader while he drove around behind us. It was hard work on our father's backs, not to mention our own, and we did a full day's work.
At the end of the day, we sat in the truck with my grandfather, while he collected payment. He tried to only pay us kids $35.00 in contrast to the $70.00 our fathers were paid, despite doing just as much work, and my grandfather stepped out of the truck for a moment and told him we did a grown man's job, and would get a grown man's pay, and we got our full amount.
My cousin bought a high quality pellet gun with his share, and mine was put into a bank account on my behalf and mysteriously "dissappeared." (probably for something I broke!) The next day, at the edge of the woods, we created a kill zone littered with the bodies of every local bird species, and one squirrel.
I'd like to say that I learned something, and I just spent several minutes trying to come up with a resolution to this, but I can't, I didn't learn a thing, and I've done equally cruel, senseless things since then.
6] When 9/11 happened, I was working at the coffeeshop in Staunton. A guy came in and told us what was going on, my boss started watching it on the internet, and we pulled out a television so that people could watch all day. For the entire afternoon, I was in a great mood, being a young asshole, and singing "Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead", and nobody said a thing to me, except for a hippie-feminist chick outside after work.
When I got off work, I went back to my hotel room, and watched it on television, before continuing my day as normal, and didn't think it would affect my life at all, and for the most part, it didn't.
Except that I'm now constantly nervous from a constant bombardment of terroristic themed, fear inducing news, along with shame over laughing.
se7en..... The apartment that got kicked in- http://www.ubersite.com/m/112206 at my lowest point, had extraordinarily high ceilings. During the winter, the gas was too expensive, and didn't heat well at all, and I ended up sleeping in 3 layers of clothes, under 8 blankets at one point.
Usually I would just drink heavily to numb the cold, and pass out, as people were up all the time, and I couldn't fall asleep otherwise.
One night I fell asleep drunk, and had a dream about the reality I was living in. I was scared, and my deceased grandmother came as a ghost, and just hugged me til I felt better. When I woke up, I was wrapped in a quilt she had crocheted.
ATE= After I got semi-sober, and had moved back home, I decided to take some time to hike the Appalachian Trail, and get my head straight. I suppose it was also a way to "Get right with Jeebus", and not feel like some kind of demon anymore.
The first day I hiked, just south of Damascus, VA, I walked past a series of nine (9) old men walking naked on the trail, full packs on their backs trudging along. This is a serious threat, people, and we need to fix it NOW. At any given moment there are lemonparty moments happening all throughout our national forest system.
Nein: I've got 2 ferrets that I inherited from a Cuban woman who I keep in my computer room (the ferrets, not the Cuban). The same that I sit in as I'm writing this. For a period of 6 months, I just let them run around the room most of the time, and cleaned up their crap.
There is now a corner, just as you enter the doorway that is permanently stained, and looks like what it is- shit. I'm planning on replacing the linoleum, but for now I just try to keep the door closed, keep the ferrets in the cage, and not let anyone come in here.
#10. I write honest, true, self-depreciating anecdotes about my life under the cover of an "intraweb" handle, and I feel better having taken a metaphorical shit on the electronic superhighway. It was quite a load.
All this was written in Notepad, which sucks.
And since I haven't taken a new picture in awhile, you can have this instead:
User Reviews
Submitted by LegoSockPuppet (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
First story = great
and by great I mean never gonna happen now
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-02-01 03:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-11 12:12:50 PST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-11 14:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a phrase comes to mind; "ridden hard and put up wet."
No offense, of course.
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None taken, since I have no clue what you're talking about. I'm not familiar with that phrase.
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Bwahaha! Rode hard and put up wet!
It means you've been used, not as in swindled, but as in been through a lot of shit.
Submitted by theshadypeach (user info) at 2008-02-01 02:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly amazing.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-19 10:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I please have an explanation as to the Stonehenge camwhore (you look 19) and this one (you look 40, and bad for you, much more like my type)?
I really thought you were just some kid...!
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-01-18 15:38:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was not a retal -2, you earned it...
Don't let it ruin your weekend.
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-01-18 15:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
10 stories, 1 unneccesary post.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-18 11:53:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-18 11:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you washed your hands after putting those ferrets up your ass!
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-01-17 17:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stories.
Hats off to the man who shot your friends. I hope you learned something there.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-17 17:39:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love honesty. The ninja one was great...my cousin and I dressed up like ninjas one summer night( I had a camoflauge suit), ran into a chinese joint this podunk town in NH had, and threw lit smoke bombs around before taking off.
Great stories.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-17 17:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You appear to have aged several decades since your last camwhore.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-11 15:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Woah.
I, uh, no longer consider you to be bland.
Just sayin'.
...
(jaysus)
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-01-11 15:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-10 04:43:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I stopped reading these ages ago. Please stop.
^^^^^^^^^^
go fuck yourself, loser
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-01-11 15:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I got a few big laughs out of this... and big laughs are sadly lacking on Uber today. Thanks, man.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-11 15:12:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-11 14:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a phrase comes to mind; "ridden hard and put up wet."
No offense, of course.
-----------------------------
None taken, since I have no clue what you're talking about. I'm not familiar with that phrase.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-11 14:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a phrase comes to mind; "ridden hard and put up wet."
No offense, of course.
Submitted by Mekare (user info) at 2008-01-11 14:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because you own ferrets
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-01-10 22:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too stoned to read this, just stoned enough to enjoy that picture.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-10 14:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-10 14:21:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
Still love this bandwagon.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-10 14:08:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading this makes me want to sit around a campfire with you and listen to your stories all night.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-01-10 13:22:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally, some fucking honesty on this site.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:22:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:18:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:36:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-10 10:53:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-10 10:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do you keep raccoons as pets?
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Because opposums are too scary.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-10 10:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do you keep raccoons as pets?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-10 10:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heavy as a chevy.
You ought to be on TV.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-10 10:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've obviously not seen the picture where I'm wearing a cat-fur loin cloth, pierced nipples glinting in the sun.
thanks for THAT disturbing mental image
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:27:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ferrets are the shit.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:09:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ferrets ARE smelly little things, aren't they?
Funny stuff.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-10 08:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
we could go round and round over beers swapping stories of fucked up shit, i'm sure of it.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-10 08:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Cheddar_Is_Better- I don't hate you, PS. Try harder next time.
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ex: sorry, hon, I just plain forgot. Happy Birthday!
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Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2008-01-09 23:28:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You like classical music. Do you have a favourite composer?
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Beethoven, because he set the mothafuckin standard.
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Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2008-01-09 23:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're not the beastmaster, man.
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You've obviously not seen the picture where I'm wearing a cat-fur loin cloth, pierced nipples glinting in the sun.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-10 07:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of these are real funny.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-01-10 07:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyable reads
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-10 07:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just be glad that not only do I tolerate you, but mildly enjoy you. For that, do me a favor and do the bandwagon when the bandwagon was a bandwagon. Cool, homewagon?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-10 04:43:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I stopped reading these ages ago. Please stop.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-10 03:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Cheddar_Is_Better (user info) at 2008-01-10 03:44:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always liked your posts, even though you tell my to die. On a different note, whoever said something about lack of drugs in my post, I didn't want to start off talking about drugs to avoid coming off as a stereotype, and being pre-judged. I do however grow and sell some sort of strange fern-like plant, a trade passed down to me from my father, and it was passed down to him by his mother. My grandma is the shit. What the crap was I talking about? Oh yeah, happy birthday. Wait no I mea......
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-10 03:18:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont really get the first story.....
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-10 01:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114095
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-10 01:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice...
but you didn't...
and nobody else.........
in the history of uber
LINKED TO MY ORIGINAL!!!!!!!!!!!
which sucked
epsecially
since it's my birthday.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-01-10 00:48:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Out of all the 10 true stories on the bandwagon, this was in my top 5.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2008-01-10 00:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not sure why this isn't rated higher. its very interesting. plus you look like a writer.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2008-01-09 23:28:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You like classical music. Do you have a favourite composer?
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2008-01-09 23:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're not the beastmaster, man.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-09 23:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What a winner you are