Apartment Number Five (Or, The Wind Beneath My Wings) (755 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.02 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm (View user info) at 2008-01-10 08:37:36 EST
(Warning: A little long, a little pointless, and posted only to shore up my "Landlords are Scumbags" post from a few days ago)
Fully prepared for another disaster, I knock on the door of the fifth apartment I've seen this week. The ad was vague, but the place is practically walking distance to my job, and for that reason alone worth a few minutes of my time.
The door flies open to reveal the hottest girl I've seen this month. Blond, mid-30s, athletic, with a cute pixie-like face. Her greeting smile is gorgeous and almost makes me want to avoid eye contact. She's wearing what appears to be a silk jogging outfit that has never seen a drop of sweat.
"Hi! I'm Whitney!! You must be (Grimm)!!!" she says, in that ultra-caffeinated voice so typical to brainless, beautiful women who just caught you sneaking a peek at their breasts.
"That's me," I say, and she ushers me inside. Immediately I'm hit by the gleam of the place. The hardwood floors, the leather couches and armchairs, the huge plasma screen in the living room. From the foyer, I can see part of the kitchen, and a sliver of what I suspect is a Viking Stove. (Note: For those of you unaware, this is pretty much the best stove that money can buy. There is no limit to the amount of baby-raping and priest-killing that I would gladly perform for one of my own)
I resist the urge to run towards the Viking and masturbate all over it.
"What a beautiful home you have."
"Thank you for saying that! We bought it last year and -" (she starts babbling on about how they moved out from Manhattan and I tune out, translating it all mentally to the much more simple: "We are filthy fucking rich and use twenty dollar bills as paper towels since we have no idea what to do with it all")
"Follow me, the apartment is upstairs." she says when she tires of talking about herself.
And this is where it gets weird.
She precedes me up the staircase (during which time I discover her ass is worthy of the rest of her body), and there is no barrier between her home and the "apartment". At the top of the stairs, we're standing in what would be a half a living room if it was actually enclosed. It's decorated to match the house downstairs, and actually looks a bit like a drawing room in a bed and breakfast. On either side of the room are two doors, each leading in opposite directions from the top of the staircase.
"I'll show you the North Wing first," she says, leading me to the left, through a door, and into a large room, maybe 10x25. It is featureless, save for a shitty orange Berber carpet and two or three power outlets. It's just a room, not a wing. It's also not an apartment, or even a studio. It's just a fucking room. It doesn't even have a closet. "Doesn't it get such wonderful light?"
"Um, yes. It's a very nice room," I say. I'm still standing in the doorway, since there is no point in entering.
"Wait till you see the other wing," she says. "You'll love it."
I get out of the way, and allow her to lead me to the other "wing" of the house. As we pass through the faux-half-living-room, I peer down the staircase and find that I can see the entire foyer of the lower level, and I wonder how awkward it would be for me to be walking from one part of my "apartment" to the other while they're entertaining guests or something downstairs. "Oh, never mind that asshole - he's just here to pay the mortgage. Tee-hee."
We arrive at the other "wing", and pass through an identical door. This room is roughly the same size, but has beautiful French windows overlooking a very crappy backyard. In the far corner is a 4 foot long kitchen type counter. It has over and under cabinets, a sink, and a built in microwave.
"So there's no full kitchen." I say.
"Oh sure - it's right over there." she says, eternal smile still on her face. At this point I give into my normal pissy mindset and drop the faux politeness.
"Um - are the stove and fridge invisible?"
Instantly, her smile crumbles and her pinched brow drops. Her shoulders slump a fraction, and she shifts her weight.
"Well, obviously we can't provide an entire kitchen on the second floor - that wouldn't be safe."
"You told me on the phone that it had a full kitchen, not to mention that the ad said "private entrance"".
"The entrance is private - it's just used by my husband and I and our daughter. Oh...and you."
"That's not a private entrance. Nor is this a full kitchen. Never mind that fact you didn't mention it's basically two rooms that aren't even connected." My voice is getting louder and louder and my gaze more angry and accusatory with each word.
"Well, maybe it isn't right for you, but where else are you going to find so much square footage for this price?"
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I say, and she takes a step backwards. "You're asking $950 a month for 500 square feet, no fucking kitchen, no private entrance?? What are you, on drugs?"
"I think it's time for you to leave." she says, and I can see the effort it takes the gather to courage to be stern with me.
"I think it's time for you to grow a fucking brain." I say, as I about-face and head down the stairs.
"What a negative asshole you are. Why don't you go look for a place in (Name of nearby town widely regarded as a slum) with the rest of your kind?"
I'm reaching for the knob of the front door when she says this, and her words stop me dead in my tracks. It's been a long time since I've been talked down to in such a fashion. She sees me stop, and goes hysterical:
"GET OUT OR I'M CALLING THE FUCKING COPS YOU FUCKING-" and so on.
I'm frozen. She's behind me and I have one arm outstretched for the knob, and I'm locked in an internal power struggle. On one hand I want to turn around and give her a verbal tongue lashing the likes of which she's never had. On the other hand I'm realizing I've been such a dick to just about everyone lately due to personal reasons and telling myself I should just walk away, take the high road.
After maybe 10 seconds, I decide. I grab the door, fling it open, and walk out - head held high. As I walk to my car, I'm already lighting a cigarette and I can still hear the dumb bitch yelling behind me about how low-class I am.
At least I left the front door open.
That'll fix 'em.
User Reviews
Submitted by BeerPong (user info) at 2008-09-19 16:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
anti-climatic
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-01-12 07:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
AND THEN I WENT HOME
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-12 05:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you the guy who used to do the 'dude upstairs' series?
Because they were awesome. This was not because I didn't believe it, but its a solid 0 because of those dude stories
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-11 15:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-11 14:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
does your town not have *actual apartments, such that you must rent a portion of a house?
________________________________________________________
Fair question. Apartment complexes are few and far between. They also require 2 months security, plus maintenance fees, so walking in the door means around three grand. oh, and no propane grills around. because one day at one point one reject blew his ass up.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-11 14:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
does your town not have *actual apartments, such that you must rent a portion of a house?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-10 14:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-10 13:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-10 06:11:10 PST (#)
Ranking: -1
My guess is that none of that took place and you just said "oh" and walked out.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-01-10 05:59:50 PST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah right.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-10 13:08:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is what is known as "trying too hard to achieve the mediocre."
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:11:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
My guess is that none of that took place and you just said "oh" and walked out.
===
Agreed. Not that I think you're a wimp; I just think most people have more reason than to flip out over something like that.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
why would you flip out over that?
you have anger issues chum.
NEWSFLASH: PEOPLE CAN OVER REPRESENT APARTMENTS/DOGS/BOOK CASES IN ADS.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bit of a temper there, buddy? Might wanna watch out for that.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i REFUSE to read that
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-10 10:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-10 10:33:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow Grimm man, you've managed to go from the really awesome guy who knows the dude, to the guy everyone thinks is a bit of a cunt! Uber is a fickle mistress.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
The only thing this "shored up" is the fact that you're an ill-tempered jerk.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i REFUSE to read that
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:11:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
My guess is that none of that took place and you just said "oh" and walked out.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:00:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Go sleep in a tent...or a dumpster.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-01-10 08:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah right.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-10 08:55:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
So you viewed an apartment that you didn't like, and acted like a little bitch about it.
Meh.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-01-10 08:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-10 08:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so i was right the other day, you are a scumbag
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-10 08:50:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh.
Barely a +1.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-10 08:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment