I Guess the Scout Leaders Were Tired of Being the Only Fairies (934 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 0.72 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nitty (View user info) at 2008-01-10 11:08:15 EST
The Boy Scouts of America.
Founded 1911.
I was never a member.
All I remember are the queer little uniforms some of my classmates wore to class in grade school, a necessary ensemble because they had their meetings after school in some secret scout chamber located somewhere within the hallowed school walls.
I DO, however, remember using the term 'Scout's Honor' on more than one occasion when spinning a yarn of complete bullshit. Only once can I remember someone countering with 'Are you a scout?'
I told the truth, and answered 'Nope.'
For the 30 years of my life, that has been my only dip into the scounting pool.
I did think the Boxcar Derby races sounded pretty cool. I'll give them that.
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Newly added to the 2008 Boy Scouts of America Handbook: How to handle bullies.
Some exerpts from the Scout Bible:
Scenario: A bully shakes down a scout for his lunch money.
Bully-Proofing Protocol: Tell the bully "It hurts me when you take my lunch money."
Probable Result: Unstoppable laughter, further bullying, inevitable school destitution.
NOTE: Did this ever even happen? I never, once, had a bully (nor did I witness anyone, ever) take someone's lunch money. Lunch at my school about a million years ago ran a whopping $1.40. And it was so horrible no one ever bought the school lunch. If some unlucky soul happened to forget both food and coinage, they were given a complimentary peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, along with a small carton of milk. This was, without hesitation, a far better alternative to whatever the chain smoking lunch lady had concocted.
Our lunch lady had seven dozen posters of Patrick Swayze pinned to the walls behing the feed trough. That is SO much funnier now than it was 20 years ago.
Scenario #2: A bully makes fun of the unfortunate complexion of a pubescent scout. Crater face. Pizza face. Zit face. Whatever.
Bully-Proofing Proposal #2: Tell the bully "So what if I have a face full of zits? What's it to you?"
Probable Result: Unstoppable laughter, further bullying...forever.
They should teach the litte acnezoids to pop one of those face grenades on the bully. That would stop them in their tracks.
Scouts are required to discuss the perils of bullying before they're awarded the rank of...
of....
Tenderfoot
That's called 'Irony.' Sounds like there are going to be a lot of tenderfeets running around the Jamborees pretty soon.
Or the scout leaders could be men about it, and teach the fuckers to strangle bullies with those queer little neckerchiefs they wear.
Then I might let my son join one day. But I doubt it. Scout's Honor.
User Reviews
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-10 18:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They throw you out of the Girl Scouts for eating Brownies. . .
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-10 14:40:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You look kinda like Big Gay Al.
Only he's a bit more svelte than you are.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-10 14:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I gave my love a cherry
That had no stone
I gave my love a chicken
That had no bones
I gave my love a story
That had no end
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-01-10 14:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Congrats on B@W
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-10 14:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-10 14:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2008-01-10 14:02:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was a brownie. Can't remember much about it except for the woolly hat.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-10 13:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:02:48 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
However, while being an Eagle Scout doesn't offer much assistance in this arena, playing guitar will get you regularly laid in high school and college. Werd.
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Low brass techniques will serve you well in the bedroom as well.
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Testify, my brother. I have a sax and a trombone and can breathe through my ears.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:55:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
we all did
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Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My folks slapped me into boy scouts when I moved to a new school. Turns out I was one of the mouth-breathing retards that no one would associate with outside of scouting. Who knew?
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was once a Girl Scout Cookie Chairman.
never again. that job SUCKED.
those damn cookies are good though.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:26:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best way to get back at a bully these days is with a black trench coat and firearms.
I'm sorry, that was tasteless.
I was a Brownie in first grade. I loved my brown dress and knee socks with orange tassels.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:02:48 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
However, while being an Eagle Scout doesn't offer much assistance in this arena, playing guitar will get you regularly laid in high school and college. Werd.
----------------------------------
Low brass techniques will serve you well in the bedroom as well.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm an Eagle Scout. I think Scouting offers a number of life skills that will serve the membership well in future. Things like why you should be Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent. Scouts tend to stay out of trouble and do well in school, and are more aware of and able to avoid bad influences. Scouting benefits those who participate.
However, while being an Eagle Scout doesn't offer much assistance in this arena, playing guitar will get you regularly laid in high school and college. Werd.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-10 12:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Eagle Scout, presenting.
I don't remember any literature/discussion of bullying from my Scout days - probably because we were all way more laid back about it +20 years ago. Hell, we bullied each OTHER regularly at troop meetings and events, and no one ended up for the worse from a good-natured ribbing.
Well, maybe that one retarded kid.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:57:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My parents were too busy being poor white trash to sign me up for anything like this.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:53:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have been to scout meetings & events in America. It's fucking weird.
If you go to a church ceremony in England (C of E, like) you'll encounter fewer rituals.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
a bully did actually try to take my lunch money once.
the joke was on him, I didn't have any money, my mum had spent all her money on booze.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:41:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The missus made my kid join scouts, and he hates it. She wouldn't let him quit until he could find another activity to occupy his time.
So, I bought him a guitar for christmas and started giving him lessons. Needless to say, he hasn't been to scouts for a couple of weeks.
My kid owned all the other little dorks in both the pine derby and the rocket derby.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:34:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My 401k has taken a direct hit the last 2 months. I'm staying in the funds I'm with though as to not miss the upswing, you dig?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:22:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did think the Boxcar Derby races sounded pretty cool. I'll give them that.
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My dad helped me cheat in ours by drilling a small hole in the bottom at the front, and melting some lead into it.
We got caught.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-10 11:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Always had you pegged as a DickScout