My Top Five Childhood Myths You May (or may not) Have Been as Retarded as me to Believe In (896 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.16 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2008-01-11 09:33:22 EST
Mothers Kisses Cure Otherwise Fatal Wounds
I think most of us, except the occasional bad ass/ orphan, can appreciate the healing properties of a mothers kiss. Right? I mean how many bruised knees and bumped heads do mothers kiss? A god-damned lot, that's how many.
No matter what happens, a kiss to the area (excluding groin injuries) can usually solve the problem. I was friends with this kid, who I was playing tag/ it with on a climbing frame at a Charlie Chalk Factory... anyway, he fell and twisted his leg sending a nice bit of shin out into the open. His mum comes running over and whilst calling for an ambulance she kisses it and is telling him it'll be ok. He then calms down, a look of serenity falls over him and he was quiet. Then he vomited a kids meal into his mums hair as she was looking at his leg.
Seriously if all the soldiers had their mums with them, there'd be a lot less casualties in the Middle East... and a lot less cursing.
Animals Talk To Each Other When Your Not There
I still believe this a little bit... when I was younger I would actually send my dogs mental thoughts such as "if you can hear me... wag your tail 3 times" if they ever did I'd freak out and then tell them to do it again. Then once I'd confirmed my results I'd run blathering like a fool to my mum "MUMUMUMUMUM thedogcantalkandit'sreallycoolcanweputhimonpetswinprizes?!?!"
So every time I wasn't there, I assumed my Boxer and my Labrador simply exchanged thoughts telekinetically... I always assumed the 'bark' was a sort of cover story. Like every time they barked they thought 'Humans are dumb' to each other.
Toys Move When Your Not There
I don't care who the fuck you are, but if you didn't believe in your toys moving and joking around when you'd left, then you were weird. Many a time I left a Bucky O hare or Captain Planet (even an Action Man, until I got a BB gun and they all died) toy lying around on the bed, and when I came back they were in weird places. Like once I found my Buck O Hare figure halfway up my chair... trying to escape my room no less.
I told my Dad and he just laughed at me. Ten years later he confessed he used to put my toys elsewhere just to see what I'd do/ think.
If I Concentrated Hard Enough I May Be Able To Do A Matilda
Many a time in school did I sit during an exam and focus all my brain power (which judging by the amount of tuna I was fed, should be pretty darn hi) into moving a pencil with thought power.
It never worked.
Then the homicidal fantasies about killing my teachers by making their heads explode/ bowels fall out would happen... it all got a little bit messy in my head.
Fiction was Factual
Magic, Father Christmas, God, Easter Bunny, GI Joe were all real to me. Even when I was bought a magic set, I still believed that they could float, or get speared, or transport themselves. Really cool stuff you know?
I used to write Father Christmas (PC: The Jolly Holiday Grandfather) notes on Christmas Eve. They always used to have 'Sign here if it's really you, but if it's not then don't sign here or you will smell:" at the end. I woke up to my mum signing it once, but I realised she was far to vein to risk my curse, and wouldn't dare forge St Nicks signature.
I was never religious either, but as soon as it was parents evening, or time to see my report card, I used to pray harder than Thomas Becket. I'd also promise all sorts of shit, like I'd never do drugs or swear. I think I once promised NOT to convert to Judaism if I got good grades.
I Could Be Anything I Wanted to Be
My Mum recorded all the different things I wanted to be when I grew up
Aged 4: A Spider
Aged 6: Postman Pat
Aged 7: Superman
Aged 9: A Goalkeeper for West Ham United
Aged 11: A Porno Star (I remember this one, it wasn't some weird confession to my mum as she cried into her tea)
Aged 13: An Accountant
Aged 15: A Skateboarder
Aged 16: A Musician
Aged 18: A University Graduate
Aged 19: A Successful Non University Graduate
Aged 20: Anything
Obviously the only thing I could have realistically achieved was to be West Hams goalkeeper, because historically we change on a bi-monthly basis via raffle.
Have a good weekend you bunch of miserable cunts.
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-11 20:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was young I used to think a bruise was like a dent in my skin armor or something. So I thought, obviously, that I could push the dent back out and the pain would go away. If I had a bruise on my bicep, I would flex my bicep until the dent was gone. This has never worked but I still do it.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-11 20:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was underrated by the site morons.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2008-01-11 20:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Ten years later he confessed he used to put my toys elsewhere just to see what I'd do/ think."
that is FUCKED. UP.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-11 19:06:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-11 17:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I did
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2008-01-11 17:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I believed 2, 3, and 4, but fuck if I want someone's bacteria filled mouth near my freshly skinned knee. I was also 4 years old when I was told that Santa was really my parents by this big mean kid named Adam.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-11 14:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lego are exactly what you needed. If you had them, you would've turned out to be a much more respectable individual like me. http://www.ubersite.com/m/80497
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-11 14:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-11 14:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-11 13:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sounds like your parents should have given you some more legos as a kid
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-01-11 12:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OUCH!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2008-01-11 11:45:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-11 11:15:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2008-01-11 11:08:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ho hum
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-11 11:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-01-11 10:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Toys do move - it was not your dad.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-01-11 10:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.iusedtobelieve.com/ for the lazy
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-01-11 10:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you should go to www.iusedtobelieve.com .... i think thats what it is... jsut a site for people to jot down what they used to believe was fact as a kid
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-11 10:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
'your' is possessive
'you're', which is what you meant to use, is a contraction of 'you' and 'are'
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-11 09:51:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hourman, you're clearly a million years old.
Also Telekenisis is moving stuff with your mind. Telepathy is reading minds and communicating with your thoughts and junk.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-11 09:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time when I was riding my bike I attempted to do a bunny hop over a parking curb, but caught the front tire, wound up flipping over the handlebars, and catching my bean bag on the sprocket as I landed. My mom, being the cool mother she was, came over and gave me mouth sex. I love my mom.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-01-11 09:40:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sigh
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-11 09:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Inexcusable grammar errors.
I sincerely hope this doesn't start another shitty bandwagon.