some shitty introspection of happiness and life in general or nobody loved me enough and now im a failure, what a crockof shit (496 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.22 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nyxmar (View user info) at 2008-01-12 06:23:57 EST
I dont drink, as a rule, its a good rule. Tonight hoowever fuck it everclear and watermelon, vodka and orange juice, vicodin and percocet, ambien and amitriptyline, all were invited to my symphony da narcoticas ( all prescribed or course, bueautiful huh, I barely reread my work here and since im really not in good state of mind it will sux, visions of emo crap and whiners talkinga bout blah blah blah. Rule 1 you can take you emo shit and slit your throat with it. I am a grown man, i have had setbacks in my life, it is my life, i do not blame the world for my problems. (2) False internent pity - i dont know you, you telling my that you are praying for my means nothing except to your self. if you do want to talk about life or anything in general than athat is cool, i love to talk to know people is taht only way to change your ways. and Lastly if this shit makes you want to puke, give me a -2 and move on, unless youi ahve something creative say i guess this is a slight exhageration of how im feeling drinking vodka and ambien. enjoy
As I wade through this mindless existence in the world I have been condemned to live I awoke from a nightmare of realization. This horrible realization pierces all defenses and penetrated directly to the mind. I am drowning in a sea of my own incompetence; my failures are complete. In this complete abject failure I see a form of grandness. Total failure is almost rarely achieved as total success. It occurred to me that I see nothing good in my life. The one time visions of futures untold are dark tablets now, never to be painted on, for that is the future, blank.
I neither hear nor feel this so called goodness that abounds in others lives. For these lucky mortals happiness simply permeates their very existence. Fortunate has smiled on my sis and her family, for they are happy, and that in it brings me a modicum of joy in an otherwise dull life. I believe that happiness is an intelligent infectious agent, it has eluded me on many occasions, or maybe i have eluded it, for this is a definite possibility.
I fear that it is not in me to be happy, this might be the over ruling force of my life, I feel unclean and happiness senses that flees from it most of the time for they are natural enemies, I ask, what good is happiness if a man can not laugh?
Sadly, I can laugh no more, the pain I have achieved through injuries is too intense to be relieved by simple jokes and fun. My oldest son the Back and my Twins the left and right shoulder make up my elder children of pain and that infernal gall bladder. These are my children of pain and I care for them because they are what are real to me. My newest children to the family are anemia, and liver dysfunction (he always did like his alcohol) and last but not least the newest of the bunch is the lump that has ceremoniously presented itself in the groin area. Doctors give that guy a 50/50 of being an evil little bugger.
As the years have passed I have kept score, call it the masochist in me.
Round One: My spine, the center piece of my body and spiritual core has been destroyed and mutilated. The destruction is bad, but can be mended provided I lose half my body weight. The pain from spine is exquisite, he is my oldest child and he knows his role well. Round one I lose
Round Two: anemia, cause unknown: probable internal bleeding coupled with internal chemical balances from the immunes system. I have suffered so much at the hands of my immune system this year. I've had 2 eye infections and an ear infection. I have had too nasty abscesses removed from either armpit because my immunes system was simply under attack and the battle was being lost. So we called in the ringer, good ole doc Langdon, when performed the surgeries with no anesthetic I might add hurt like a bitch. Both of these surgeries confirm the worst case scenario. I have staph infection, MRSA staph infection. This shit is evil and it will kill you bad, so I am scared, scared shitless.
So right now I'm battling these infections to the limit, there fore it's a draw, but this could change any minute. But if it does you will never know.
Lastly are the annoying problems, I can defeat the shoulders, they are just pain they can be fixed. In truth I a worried about the mass I have found in my groin. I can't survive a bout with cancer, not now, not after the last two years I have no energy left. My emotions are all but spent, my body is constantly wracked with pain, and through it all my mind is starting to crack under the pressure. I have not had a break in over 2 years in which my life has tumbled in this abyss that is so dark that I don't know climb out. I see no family or friends here to help, only people telling me that it is my own fault and this what you get and so on and so forth. I understand humanity better than most people and I hold no blame nor regret to them. It was I set my self upon this path of pain and I will walk to the other side or parish in the attempt.
After all this is said and done I have realized that happiness will never visit me in all her splendid glory. I shall be denied by my very soul for I will not be able to look at this one for it is my total opposite. And in her own innocent way she will strive to hurt me to the quick and destroy what little soul I have left by giving me snatches and glimpses
: Of what my life could be or could have been, knowing full well the dye is set and the game is afoot. I go to save my soul, not for happiness but its own sake, so that I can be my own man in world of sheep. I desire to know what happiness is and not just be filled with. I must know, or I will die in the attempt.
:Because right now I see happiness in others and rejoice for surly that means they have earned that happiness and might know what it means to them, but for me there is naught but pain in that empty space that yearns to be filled. And I swear thus since this space remains empty and nothing but pain should preside there I will seek for any method to end my torment upon this earth.
Earth, of which I am its son, and a son treated most unfairly, I have been broken in mind, spirit, and in body and therefore have nothing left to give except my life. They say love conquers all, then love is barbaric in its conquering destroying and pillaging as it goes leaving no soul undamaged and no man unmaimed. I spit at love and its misspent deeds and crooked foundations that crumble when love inevitability fails. For in the end all love fails, and fails horribly.
User Reviews
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-13 14:57:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And when it comes down to it, you know what?
Dying must be an awfully big adventure.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-13 14:49:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2008-01-12 17:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so. this time i've actually read the post
"Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-12 11:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There are two kinds of people in the world:
1: People who focus on their problems and wallow in self-pity until they get bigger and bigger (also see: martyr)
2: People who have a problem and either learn to realize the problem is insignificant, or fix it.
And saying, "I AM NOT EMO, DO NOT SAY I AM" before the post is like a roaring fire saying, "YOU CAN ROLL AROUND IN ME, I AM NOT HOT"."
don't be a dumbass. the post was actually written really well. dramatic, sure. and drunk. i'd be dramatic after drinking if i had half this shit, and so would you. from the times i've talked to nyx, he's been extremely level-headed and matter-of-fact about his various ailments. he's not avoidant, he'll talk about them if you bring it up, but he doesn't seem to dwell on them either.
i don't think having physical illnesses and defects is something you learn to realize is insignificant, especially if they're potentially fatal. and many times their being fixed is a matter of chance. like i said, don't be a dumbass. just because someone wants to unload once in a while doesn't make them a 'kind of person.' the tone of this piece wasn't even self-pitying. it was dramatic, like i said, but there's very little emotion in it. it was fully, unforgivably cynical. and that's what made it worth reading
___________________
I'm not one of the people on here who actually get to know everyone else. I have no idea who wrote this, and any judgments I made were based solely on the post.
"and that in it brings me a modicum of joy in an otherwise dull life"
That is one of the most defeatist sentiments I've ever seen, and there was more of it.
There's a fine line between self-pity and "dramatic".
As far as the health related issues, I wasn't so much referring to those as the general mindset he was portraying (see: previous statement in quotation marks), but now that you mention them, save for completely shitty luck and physical incidents, almost all health problems are preventable through proper diet and an intelligent lifestyle. If one doesn't have the foresight to prevent such things, there is no one at fault but themselves. If I keep smoking and drinking for the next 20 years and get lung cancer and a failing liver, I'll know exactly why. People who aren't aware of what they're exposing themselves to and ingesting on a regular basis and then blame life for their ill-health are passing the blame that belongs to them.
On a side note, I am sorry for what you're going through, and if the problems you're having actually are the strange and unavoidable type, I'm even more sorry. But if you chopped your own leg off, it's not the fault of the ax.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-13 05:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
sk8 it off bitch
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2008-01-12 17:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so. this time i've actually read the post
"Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-12 11:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There are two kinds of people in the world:
1: People who focus on their problems and wallow in self-pity until they get bigger and bigger (also see: martyr)
2: People who have a problem and either learn to realize the problem is insignificant, or fix it.
And saying, "I AM NOT EMO, DO NOT SAY I AM" before the post is like a roaring fire saying, "YOU CAN ROLL AROUND IN ME, I AM NOT HOT"."
don't be a dumbass. the post was actually written really well. dramatic, sure. and drunk. i'd be dramatic after drinking if i had half this shit, and so would you. from the times i've talked to nyx, he's been extremely level-headed and matter-of-fact about his various ailments. he's not avoidant, he'll talk about them if you bring it up, but he doesn't seem to dwell on them either.
i don't think having physical illnesses and defects is something you learn to realize is insignificant, especially if they're potentially fatal. and many times their being fixed is a matter of chance. like i said, don't be a dumbass. just because someone wants to unload once in a while doesn't make them a 'kind of person.' the tone of this piece wasn't even self-pitying. it was dramatic, like i said, but there's very little emotion in it. it was fully, unforgivably cynical. and that's what made it worth reading
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2008-01-12 17:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i remember you
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2008-01-12 17:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Guess i missed the tone i was going for here. I had a friend call me up and bitch and bitch and bitch about her life and how horrible it was for hours, She lives in a new house, 2 cars, lots of money, nothing really to bitch about, but she just kept going on and on. And this call was after i had taken a double dose of sleep meds and beer so i could forget this week. It was supposed to be an emo whine from someone desperately trying not to be emo, but, yeah, i was really trashed and hardly remember what i wrote anyways.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-12 15:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If this is supposed to be a joke then I don't get it.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-12 14:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
There is a great difference between comedy and shit.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-01-12 12:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"This shit is evil and it will kill you bad"
---------------
As opposed to killing you good?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-12 11:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There are two kinds of people in the world:
1: People who focus on their problems and wallow in self-pity until they get bigger and bigger (also see: martyr)
2: People who have a problem and either learn to realize the problem is insignificant, or fix it.
And saying, "I AM NOT EMO, DO NOT SAY I AM" before the post is like a roaring fire saying, "YOU CAN ROLL AROUND IN ME, I AM NOT HOT".
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-01-12 09:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wtf? This just seems like a constant whine. How about you clean it up, don't ramble as much, and maybe then I'll read it.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-01-12 09:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking hilarious. +2 for comedy gold.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-12 08:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If you're going to whine, at least be entertaining, and use some editing.
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2008-01-12 06:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the fuck, im not reading all that