What I think of the CSA (883 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 0.2 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TooMuchMan (View user info) at 2008-01-12 06:58:12 EST
Given that it's election time again, where all Americans will be reminded that there is a large swath of our country which is simply retarded, I thought that I'd give you my opinions of the former member states of the Confederate States of America. Just FYI for you Southrons, we Yankees are as contemptuous of you as you are hateful of us. Every time some cousin of mine drinks too much whisky and calls me a dirty Yankee, I remember that at least I'm not too lazy to pick my own cotton. Nevertheless, while most CSA states are vast empires of suck, most have a few pockets of awesome of some sort or another. A couple, though, are completely awful, with no redeeming qualities at all.
I'll go through the states in the order in which they seceded.
SOUTH CAROLINA (December 1860): The Old Dame of the South. Good beaches and golf, and Charleston is a fun town. I lost my virginity at Myrtle Beach during high school, so that's exciting. But aside from those two places, the vast majority of South Carolina sucks double giant donkey balls. And frankly, Myrtle Beach isn't that nice anyway. It's just one of a series of anonymous, soul-crushing tourist traps between VA Beach and Savannah. Just remember, Fort Sumter is OURS. Grade: C+.
MISSISSIPPI (January 1861): 99% of Mississippi is missi-shitty. Biloxi is essentially a more fetid version of Camden, which is the worst city in America. The best part of Mississippi is driving over the border to Memphis. However, 1% of Mississippi is in Oxford, which is a bitchin' college town. A high concentration of dumb, blonde, Jesus-freaked 19 year old young ladies, mixed liberally with beer and SoCo, will please any man. Dirty, dirty girls. Grade: D
FLORIDA (January 1861): The further south you go, the further north you go, as they say. The bottom half of Florida is great, because it features loose morals combined with warm weather and tasty food. South Florida is also rich in an important natural resource: Jewish people. If New York, Philly, LA, and Ft. Lauderdale were to form an Organization of Jewish Peopled Regions (a Hebrew-American OPEC), they could bring the American economy to a stop.
The top half of Florida is hell. This begins with Orlando, and gets worse the further north you go. Periodically, God sends a hurricane in an attempt to kill a bunch of north Floridians, but God is fallible and sometimes ends up hitting Miami, which is sad. Grade: B-.
ALABAMA (January 1861): Known for its eponymous Slammer, which is among the worst drinks you can ever drink--the only drink that tastes better coming up than it does going down. Alabama is hot, buggy, and rural. Its main export is dumb-ass white girls who leave bars with three strangers in a foreign country. On a positive note, it's not as bad as Mississippi. Grade: C-.
GEORGIA (January 1861). Atlanta is like Los Angeles, except for there are no famous people all over the place, no beaches, no good restaurants, no Sunset Strip, too many fat people, and too few Jews. The best thing anyone can say about Atlanta is that the airport is pretty good, which means that it's easy to leave. It gets better outside of the Atlanta megalopolis. Savannah is nice and historical. Athens is very cool, though crunchier than I would prefer. Peaches do not come from a can, they come from Georgia. Grade: D.
LOUISIANNA (January 1861). New Orleans alone was enough to give Louisianna a grade of "A" until Hurricane Katrina and Brownie destroyed it. Now, the best thing you can say about Nawlins is that it's cheaper than it used to be. Cajun food is delicious, and Zydeco is some good time music. Outside of New Orleans, Louisiana is identical to East Texas, South Arkansas, and West Mississippi; i.e., poor and stupid. Black people in Lousianna are known as "parishes." Grade: B-.
TEXAS (February 1861). Just about everything about Texas pisses me off, from the fake-ass nationalism to the politics. As an oil-soaked religious dictatorship with close ties to the DC establishment, Texas is similar to the United Arab Emirates. George W. Bush actually convinced the entire state that a rich Connecticut Yalie was one of them. Houston is more humid than even DC. Ron Paul represents a district in Texas, and he's a tall cold glass of stupid. Even Austin takes itself too seriously; fine, the music scene is excellent, but certainly no better than Athens, Charlottesville, or Madison.
The only redeeming quality about Texas is barbecue. Any state that takes the consumption of beef to the level of an artfrom is fine by me. Grade: D.
VIRGINIA (April 1861): Virginia comes from the same Latin root word as does vagina. A bum deal for the Union, because the part that seceded to form West Virginia is the crappy part. West Virginia has nary a single redeeming feature--even if you like nature, woods, mountains, Melungeons, incest, and the like, you can get the same in western NC, far SW Virginia, or eastern Kentucky. If you want broken-down old racist cities, you can just go to Ohio. However, West Virginia does look like a fist flipping you the bird, so that's kinda nice.
Virginia, on the other hand, has a long and distinguished history of being the part of the America which is least like the ideals upon which the country was founded. Virginia has an aristocracy. Virginia has serious battles among Christians sects (Methodists versus Baptists, for example). And so on. Virginia has of late only produced terrible politicians. George Allen just plain old does not like black people. Virgil Goode is dumb as a fucking post...I'm talking Bob Casey Jr. levels of dumb here. Richmond citizens form the first line of "true Southerners," who fake real accents while not realizing that they are essentially a suburb of DC. Nevertheless, the mountains of Virginia are beautiful, and there are no alligators at the beaches. Virginia is a very populous state, but there are no professional sports teams there. That tells you something. Grade: C-.
ARKANSAS (May 1861): The only CSA state that I've never spent any significant time in, only driven through as fast as humanly possible. Arkansas is the worst state in the country, and if you don't believe me, make note of the fact that everyone in America hates at least one of the following people: Mike Huckabee, Bill Clinton, or Hillary Clinton. Also, Walmart. Grade: F.
NORTH CAROLINA (May 1861): Along with New York and Compton, North Kackalacka feature prominently in early 90s rap. The two most annoying colleges in America (Duke and UNC) are located in NC. The land there is only good for one thing: tobacco. Because of this, most North Carolinians do not realize that throughout history, Virginians and South Carolinians looked down on them as the dumb hicks of the South. That is because most North Carolinians are carpetbagging Northerners who went to work in the financial sector in Charlotte. Asheville leads America in lesbians and potheads, and is the only place where true hippies and true hillbillies live side by side without annihilating one another. Coastal Carolina-style barbecue is delicious, and I absolutely will not stand for anyone who disagrees with me on this point. Good weed plus good barbecue can correct for many failings. Grade: C+.
TENNESSEE (June 1861): Take me to another place, like, say, Virginia, which is better. Memphis is better than Mississippi, but that's it. Nashville is good for country music, but unfortunately, country music hasn't itself good for anything since the early 60s. Despite my attempts to contact it, there is no such thing as an American Honky Tonk Bar Association. T-Tennessee. Whoo! Grade: D.
MISSOURI (October 1861 (unofficial)): Arthur Bryant's in KC features the fattest people I've ever seen in my entire life. I saw a guy once at Arthur Bryants lick his plate, and I thought he was just being impolite as he was getting some sauce. But no, he was licking up whole pieces of meat. Yes, like a goddamn hog. While taking a piss, I saw a guy who was so fat that he had to lift up his belly to complete the transaction. St Louis has provided America with Nelly. Dammit. Grade: D+.
KENTUCKY (November 1861 (unofficial)): Kentucky has produced some good things. The Louisville Slugger. Bourbon. Horse Racing. Related to these is the mint julep, which is a girly drink that a man can drink and feel proud. These are nice enough, but the rest of Kentucky is just like West Virginia, only with a more incomprehensible action and more incest. I oppose incest more than I support bourbon. Grade: C-.
User Reviews
Submitted by Mekare (user info) at 2008-01-14 14:19:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ARKANSAS (May 1861): The only CSA state that I've never spent any significant time in, only driven through as fast as humanly possible. Arkansas is the worst state in the country, and if you don't believe me, make note of the fact that everyone in America hates at least one of the following people: Mike Huckabee, Bill Clinton, or Hillary Clinton. Also, Walmart. Grade: F.
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I had to go to Arkansas when I worked for Sam's Club. It's a hellhole.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-14 11:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-01-13 12:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-01-13 01:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-12 15:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wanted to give this a -2 because you gave my state a D, but it was funny.
Atlanta's not that bad. There are actually some good bars/restaurants, and there are plenty of Jews too. Lovely in the springtime
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Agreed. ATL is medium pimpin. But God, I hate the fucking traffic here. 285 is NOT a giant fucking NASCAR track built around ATL for your racing pleasure!!!!
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You must mean the opposite of racing. I know someone who back in the day spent 12 hours on that godforsaken hideous highway trying to get home.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-01-13 12:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF are you talking about? Athens is a hellhole. There's nothing to do there after class but drink or wander around the restaurants that don't look like they've been cleaned in thirty years.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-13 01:35:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, that's all I got right now.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-13 01:28:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Faulkner
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-13 01:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not without humorous merit. Bit of advice: Don't alienate approximately half of your audience with your first line. (Like I'm funny, and shit.)
But I would take this moment to mention a few things about the south for which we should be thankful:
Bourbon
Blues (and, hence, rock-and-roll)
The Allman Brothers (blues-rock, I suppose)
Cajun food
Okay that's all I can think of, but I'm sure there's more. I'm drinking bourbon.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-01-13 01:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-12 15:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wanted to give this a -2 because you gave my state a D, but it was funny.
Atlanta's not that bad. There are actually some good bars/restaurants, and there are plenty of Jews too. Lovely in the springtime
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Agreed. ATL is medium pimpin. But God, I hate the fucking traffic here. 285 is NOT a giant fucking NASCAR track built around ATL for your racing pleasure!!!!
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-01-13 00:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
/sigh
Born in Missouri, Raised in Virginia, lived in SC, FL, and NC...
apparently I'm a southerner.
Submitted by TooMuchMan (user info) at 2008-01-12 22:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I spelled Louisiana wrong.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-12 20:05:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-01-12 20:00:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LIES! We so beat Mississippi! That's were smiles go to die!
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-12 18:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You don't like much do you?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-12 15:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I find you amusing.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-12 15:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Although you do realize that a mint julep is straight bourbon on the rocks. Not what I would call girly.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-12 15:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wanted to give this a -2 because you gave my state a D, but it was funny.
Atlanta's not that bad. There are actually some good bars/restaurants, and there are plenty of Jews too. Lovely in the springtime.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2008-01-12 14:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have to give you a +1 because i spend a month in my family's beach house in Charleston. Awesome city.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-12 13:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i like houston
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2008-01-12 11:50:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-01-13 02:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Yes, but the GOOD news, the GOOD news, is that our president says there's hope for Baghdad. Not that I care about a bunch of brown desert-dwellers on the other side of the world, really. I mean, I would have been just as happy either leaving them alone or killing just about everyone there; whatever's best for our economy, really.
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Fuck, I havn't been on much lately, but that right there is why I enjoy coming back.
Sheer, scathing & insensitive brutality.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-01-12 11:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Yes, but the GOOD news, the GOOD news, is that our president says there's hope for Baghdad. Not that I care about a bunch of brown desert-dwellers on the other side of the world, really. I mean, I would have been just as happy either leaving them alone or killing just about everyone there; whatever's best for our economy, really.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-12 10:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-01-12 09:34:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This did make me smile. Honestly.
MISSOURI (October 1861 (unofficial)): Arthur Bryant's in KC features the fattest people I've ever seen in my entire life. I saw a guy once at Arthur Bryants lick his plate, and I thought he was just being impolite as he was getting some sauce. But no, he was licking up whole pieces of meat. Yes, like a goddamn hog. While taking a piss, I saw a guy who was so fat that he had to lift up his belly to complete the transaction. St Louis has provided America with Nelly. Dammit. Grade: D+.
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I'm a slender Kansas City Missourian but you do have a point about lots of fat people here. There for awhile Kansas City made the top 20 list of fattest cities for several years in a row.
They used to blame the BBQ for the city's problem, but then all the carbohydrate info came out.
As a resident I have formed this opinion as to why the city is so damn fat.
1. The city (except for a few small pockets) is not set up for walking. Everything is too spread out, the sidewalks are shit, most areas aren't safe to walk (street crime, etc.), and zilch safe parks (even out here in the 'burbs). You have to have a car to get anywhere.
2. Yes, BBQ tends to be fatty but this city loves its carbs. We have this one cafe that boasts "platter size cinnamon rolls." They sell them cheap too. For $5.00 you can get a cinnamon roll that is literally the size of a large dinner plate. There is always a half mile line outside of this cafe. :(
3. Although anymore we're considered Midwestern, we still have enough Southerner in us that we think we have to cram our faces with heart attack food constantly.
4. We have lots of poor. Poor people are disportionatley fatter than the middle class. Hey, why feed your kids and yourself with healthy food when you can take your food stamps and buy cases of Mac 'n Cheese, chips, Twinkies, Chef Boyardee, and such. Fruits and Veggies cost too much to properly feed 5 kids from 5 different 'Baby Daddy.'
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-01-12 09:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
So far this has been mostly suck but the -2 is for this gem of intelligence "Black people in Lousianna are known as "parishes." " A parish is the same thing as county in most states. The word you MIGHT have been thinking of is creoles. Or niggers.
Submitted by traxadron (user info) at 2008-01-12 08:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good reading!!!
Read it while I was in bed waiting for my chick to wake up and suck me off.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-12 08:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Congrats, you know your stereotypes!
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-01-12 08:42:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This piece seems to be written by a sex tourist in Thailand (with the worthwhile exception that you were not apparently looking for 9 year old girls). Aside from a detail of where to find cheap booze and women, this wasn't very funny. Sorry.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-12 07:17:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF I'm not reading all that!