Grow Up, Mr. Man (790 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.44 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HandZon (View user info) at 2008-01-13 20:30:29 EST
When do I 'change'?
Fuck all! It just dawned on me this morning while trying to shake off yet another 'raging' hangover and decipher what I said to piss her off this time that, much to my chagrin, my 30th birthday is but a week away.
While trying to gauge exactly when my cathartic moment would occur (of course, there will be no effort on my part, only my willingness to allow this wonderful transformation to take place), it occurred to me that the last few years haven't gone quite like I planned. It is exactly this reason I am forced to, in writing, apologize for what I feel most guilty about today.
My uncle and I share an age difference of 15 years. As it happens, we had become much closer since he cheated on his wife (mother of my godchild, woman who fostered him becoming a world-traveler and close to seven-figure earner) and, oddly enough, certainly since he nominated me the 'social liaison' to his newly acquired girlfriend (the reason for his divorce) while he was away on business.
'Jane' and I were within a year or two in age and even closer in drinking style. Blackouts were frequent and, on one fateful Valentine's Day 2007, I passed out after going back to their place and awoke later to her wearing quite a bit less than I last remembered.
The next two months were wonderful. I would come over to his gigantic house every time he left the States and 'keep her company'. Fine dining, drinking, her insatiable appetite to be disrespected during sex, and the raw allure of doing something I knew wasn't right.
Quite frankly, things wouldn't haven't changed if it weren't for me getting drunk on Easter Sunday and, walking down from brushing his teeth before bed, my favorite uncle hadn't witnessed her 'tucking me' in on the couch with her tongue in my mouth and hand beneath my waistline. Instead, shit hit the fan, she and I took off until June and, can you fucking believe this one, he married her less than three weeks ago.
Really, I could go on forever and a day but, who the fuck would marry someone who admittedly and willingly fucked their nephew? Believe you me, this was a scandal. Jerry Springer may as well be an alien entity in my family and this sort of behavior is not tolerated yet, whenever I am alone and pondering what I have done, I rinse my balls one more time for his sake.
She was a great fuck, so maybe I can see why he forgives the pussy and not the penetrator (not a word, I know, but I like the 'ring' of it).
User Reviews
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-01-21 11:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To ALCOHOL: The cause of, and solution to all life's problems.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-15 17:46:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
while I find your morals distasteful, your writing is decent.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-15 13:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That's remarkably fucked up, and drinking will do that to ye.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-01-15 07:09:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd do my cousin, but not my aunt.
she's kind of fat and old.
my cousin looks really good though.
hmm.
fuck you guys, where's my fone?...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-14 16:40:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you fucked your mother's brother uncle fucker.
Submitted by Talibandrew (user info) at 2008-01-14 13:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-01-14 09:35:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
....fucked your uncle yesterday
unka fakka!
what the hell is that from?
------------------------------------
Southpark the movie.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-14 11:41:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
doing that made you something of a bitch, you know?
i like the line about waking up from a drunk being the beginnings of it. a lot of people like to pin responsibility for their poor decisions on something like that. good show, letting your weaknesses rule you.
welcome to uber!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-14 10:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
People are assholes.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-14 10:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll keep it under advisement.
I think he already feels fucked by me, some people can't take a joke. I even told him she wasn't that great, but he know's I'm lying and I don't think that would make him feel better anyway.
BTW - His bed is my secret, he should have burned it. Like Emerson said (I'm quite sure he put it more eloquently): "Fuck it."
Can't wait for this Valentine's Day and the onslaught of drunk texts. I've ruined three or four of the major holidays for him, that's makes me feel a little bit at fault.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-14 10:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just a thought.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-14 10:00:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should totally fuck your uncle too, to make sure that she doesn't feel as though she got away with something here, you know?
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-14 09:44:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Right you are.
My favorite conversation during the aftermath, or fallout if you will (Day after Easter 07')
This was obviously done over the phone and 'cooler' heads had not yet prevailed.
Uncle: "Just tell me, how long have you been fucking her?"
Me: "I really don't want to get into this conversation, I'll answer whatever you ask but it's only going to hurt more, trust me."
U: "No really, I want to know how long you been cumming in her, so I at least have an idea how many times I tasted your cum when I was going down on her?"
M: (Nervous laugh), "since Valentines Day."
U: "That fucking whore, what furniture do I have to burn?"
M: "Everything but your bed, kitchen counters should be changed too."
U: "At least you have some morals"
M: "I should go now"
Actually, the conversation (by means of texting, emails, phone calls, etc) went on an even more devastating path for the next month, alas, I started getting tired of her shit after the first few weeks and 'auto pilot' went on til June.
Trainwreck, yup. Going to hell? First class ticket bought long ago, paid for in full, no refund, no return trip.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-01-14 09:35:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
....fucked your uncle yesterday
unka fakka!
what the hell is that from?
good story
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2008-01-14 09:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Whatever happened to bros before hos?
Actually, if he's an old man then you probably never stood a chance against her.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-14 08:57:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-14 08:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I am your uncle, SHIT HEEL!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-01-14 08:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're exactly the kind of trainwreck we need more of around here.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-14 07:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! We don't stand. He's taken the liberty of avoiding any and all family functions and/, as it were, excercises his right to ignore any lines of communication I try to open (eg, drunken emails at three in the morning).
Things could be worse, I could have fucked my aunts husband, if I were to swing that way (I certainly do not, good sirs), talk about family issues.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-14 05:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amusing
Submitted by waynebebay (user info) at 2008-01-14 02:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you and the uncle stand?
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-01-13 23:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-13 22:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice read. Would have been a +2 with a candid photo of the subject wench/alleged subject wench.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-01-13 21:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your 45yr old uncle is a poor sap, should know better, but is probably too lonely to care
geez, talk about being totally fucked from the get-go
***
Example A:
i had a part-time/booty-call/slut/ex-pro cheerleader girlfriend who once fucked the grooms best-man thirty minutes before her wedding was supposed to start (it didn't)
i hit it, for the first time, two nights later
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-13 21:08:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well-written.
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2008-01-13 20:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh, why not.