My Most Embarrassing Moment (966 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.91 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TooMuchMan (View user info) at 2008-01-14 20:14:43 EST
When I was in junior high we had to write an essay for English class about our most embarrassing moment. Christ, what a great idea for a class full of insecure thirteen year olds. I needed that like a third asshole. At that age that assignment is really inappropriate. Kids normally have a wide range of trivially embarrassing moments--the time that mom had to take them shopping IN PUBLIC, the time that dad cut a huge fart in the car while driving kids home from soccer practice, the time that some friend told some other friend about a crush. You know, stupid shit. But few people have really embarrassing moments yet. Oh sure, my buddy had a good story, about the time he was taking a leak in the bathroom in 4th grade and this weird kid with no friends ran in there and puked on him. But that's more gross than embarrassing, because by age 13 most of us haven't done much. The exception is me. I had a truly embarrassing moment, one that was so embarrassing that there was no way I was writing it down for Mr. Jones' English class. For ubersite, though, this seems appropriate.
When I was 10, in front of my girlfriend, Uncle G tickled me so much that I pissed myself.
This requires elaboration, because just reading this sentence, it sounds like an instance of GOOD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH. I can assure you, this was actually innocent, except for the "me pissing myself" part. So let me give you the story. If you don't want to read a Tolstoy, this is not the post for you.
My dad was a former marine in Vietnam, and one of his comrades in arms was a guy whom my older brother and I called "Uncle G." G stands for George, but we called him Uncle G for some reason. Uncle G lived in Brooklyn, and a couple of times a year Uncle G would bring his family up for a visit. Our families would hang out, have a barbecue or whatever, and then after dinner he and my dad would go out to the local bar and drink themselves silly, stay out all night, and then when I'd wake up the next morning I'd come downstairs and there they'd be, drunk as shit and periodically saluting each other. Good times.
Uncle G had a daughter my age, and it was always assumed by the families she was my girlfriend, in that fake little kid way. We'd play doctor when we were 4 or 5, but by age 10, I knew that for some reason that I did not yet understand, I wanted to do nasty things to her that I was pretty sure I wasn't supposed to tell my mom about. That winter when we were both 10, Uncle G's daughter (Katherine) and I were actually serious for the first time. Kid shit, but still, a big deal for a kid who was otherwise a Huge Dork. And it turns out, the first time was the last time. Because when you piss yourself in front of your girlfriend, the aura wears off.
The last thing you need to know to set up this story is one of the things that our dads would do when we were kids, before going and getting plastered, was to tickle us. For some reason, Uncle G would tickle my brother and me, and my dad would tickle Katherine and her little brother. It was like a weird tradition. It started when we were babies, and as I say, it was totally innocent, but there you are. I get the feeling in retrospect that with my brother 12 years old, this tradition was on its last legs--it was sort of unspoken that he would be opting out of it that year. Needless to say, me pissing myself ruined it once and for all.
That winter, on the night before they were to head back home, we had a nice big turkey dinner that lasted for about 2 hours, with my dad and Uncle G getting started on their planned activities that evening by splitting a 12 pack of beer, and the rest of us stuffing myself silly on turkey and potatoes and all that stuff. For some goddamn stupid reason, even though I drank several glasses of milk during the meal, I had this idea that I shouldn't go to the bathroom because that would be embarrassing. Call it some sort of weird pre-teen idea of modesty, but I didn't want Katherine to know that I excreted liquids with the same appendage that I wanted her to touch. Doesn't this seem completely and totally retarded? But I can assure you, to my weird as 10-year old way of thinking, this was completely reasonable. Fucking hormones.
So by the end of the dinner, I had to piss like a goddamn racehorse. My legs are all bouncy and I'm all shifting in my seat and stuff, and Katherine is sitting right next to me, and all I can think about is that I need to get the hell out of there and drain the main vein. "Piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss" is all that's running through my mind. Finally, my mom stands up to clear the table, my brother and my dad stand up, and I see my chance in the distraction of people clearing the table to get in a quick trip without Katherine noticing. I hop out of the chair embark upon my fateful journey at what I THINK is something close to bullet speed. But that cunning plan of mine, yeah, not really thought the whole way through there. For to get to the pisser, I had to pass by Uncle G, and remember, he's six beers deep already. I see this playing out in slow motion as I start to approach him: he smiles and announces to the table, "Oh ho, son, not so fast there!" and reaches out to grab me. I know he's going to tickle me and I attempt to change course, but I'm too full of piss to be agile and I fail. He grabs me with both arms and starts with it, and I'm doubled over in pain, just fucking dying there, and he's tickling me and laughing himself and the whole family is having a great time with our little tradition, and let me emphasize that I'm fucking DYING there, and I'm straining to get away to get a breath of air and to control all of my muscles, and then it happens. I just lost control. And let me emphasize that I didn't just let out a couple drops, I plain old soaked myself with piss. And remember, I couldn't get away because he was tickling me. It took a couple of seconds for Uncle G to realize what was going on, and then he just sort of dropped me and pushed me away, like you might do to, well, a 10 year old kid who you've just realized is completely soaked with piss.
Now the reaction here is interesting. Complete silence for about 2 seconds, and then all hell breaks loose. My brother's eyes are as wide as dinner plates and I can tell that he's going to start laughing and my mom's mouth is moving with "oh dear, sweetie..." and my dad (also six beers deep) starts yelling "what the hell is wrong with you!" and Uncle G is muttering "motherfucking kid pissed all over me" like HE was the one with the problem here and Katherine's mother has this thin little smile on her face and, well, Katherine is staring RIGHT THROUGH ME like I no longer existed. I scrambled out of there as fast as possible, still pissing mind you, and run straight into my bedroom where I know that I can be safe and lock the door. But the problem isn't done yet, because in my idiotic haste to get out of there I neglected to realize that the bathroom was in the other direction from my room. To get there I would have to go out of my room, across the living room and dining room and past everyone again. NO FUCKING WAY. Therefore, I'm sitting in there soaked in piss with no way out.
To make things worse, my mom's reaction to me was one of love, but also, as a good homemaker, she was concerned with ensuring that I didn't get piss all over my sheets or the carpet in my room. And she knows that in my condition I'm not leaving that room, but she also knows that she doesn't want me ruining things, so she runs and gets a fucking trash bag from the kitchen and marches right up to my bedroom door, and announced in a voice which to me sounded like it was a goddamn loudspeaker that she "had a trash bag" and would I "just open the door and put my clothes in there so that you don't get pee [can you believe this? "pee"?!?] all over the new carpet or your nice sheets." I swear to God that this nearly caused me to die right there. When I don't answer, she starts banging on the door and raises her voice even further. Finally, I opened the door and grabbed the bag, pushed my soaking clothes in, and then slammed the door. Shortly later I heard Uncle G and my dad head out, not saying a word.
It occurs to me now that even though being stuck in my bedroom was awful, it would have actually been worse if my mom had had to bring me some dry clothes in the bathroom.
I stayed put in my room for pretty much the next 24 hours, until everyone was long gone and it was just my family. When I finally reappeared, my dad was (to his credit) rather sorry for being angry and my mom had decided that nothing happened and that she would never mention it again. My brother, of course, insisted on asking if I wanted some lemonade at dinner (we never ever had lemonade) for the next three months or so, and every time we had a visitor he would announce "don't tickle him, he might go off!" Katherine, she never came to visit us with the family after that. Starting right after that, Uncle G sort of stopped bringing the family when he came to visit. Officially, it's because my mom and Uncle G's wife don't like each other and because Uncle G has a bit of a drinking problem. But I know the real reason. And although he and I can joke about this now that it's been over twenty years, he has since then never once touched me, even a hug or a handshake hello. I've seen Katherine since that night a couple of times, weddings and the like, but she never talks to me for more than a second or two, and always stays safely away from me, like I'm going to piss on her or something. Katherine, if you're reading this, well, I can assure you that I won't piss on you.
The long term effects on me? Well, kids are resilient and I made it through this one. But still today, I never wait to take a piss. And I thank God that I had taken a good shit earlier that day.
User Reviews
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-16 18:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jeepaholic (user info) at 2008-01-16 17:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny ass shit
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-16 14:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-15 15:46:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-15 13:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty funny, but you need to edit. You have too much detail that detracts from the main storyline. Could've taken out half of that text and it would have been fine.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-15 13:44:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-15 13:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty funny, but you need to edit. You have too much detail that detracts from the main storyline. Could've taken out half of that text and it would have been fine.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-01-15 13:26:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
how does Berty roll?
downhill man. Downhill
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-15 11:34:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright that was pretty good. Peace
*complicated hand gesture*
-Berty, the loneliest G in the ghetto
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-15 11:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
When I was 10, in front of my girlfriend....
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Right, stop right there. What the fuck? You had a girlfriend at age 10?
Is this some weird bullshit inflicted upon you by your parents or are you in fact one of those poor bastards with precocious puberty and now are a tiny bald guy typing at your computer; aged 16?
For what it's worth, I seriously, seriously hope that you are. It's tough being the only disabled gangster on Ubersite.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-15 11:23:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
well told story
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-15 11:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gascs:
I was primarily referring to iddqd's comment, and the handful of -1s and -2s with no criticism to speak of. Yours was one of the more helpful comments.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2008-01-15 11:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-15 10:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't get what the hate is about. Yes, you told the end of the story first, but LOTS of stories are told like that. You gave plenty of details, you were entertaining, you used grammar properly and decent language...not signs of a "classic" Uber post, but definitely signs of a good storyteller.
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I like to think of it as constructive criticism. Besides, a lot of these ratings are +1, that's not hate by any means.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-15 10:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't get what the hate is about. Yes, you told the end of the story first, but LOTS of stories are told like that. You gave plenty of details, you were entertaining, you used grammar properly and decent language...not signs of a "classic" Uber post, but definitely signs of a good storyteller.
+2. I like you.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-15 08:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this sounds like it's being told by a twelve year old. this just happened last a couple of years ago didn't it?
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2008-01-15 08:03:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I seriously had to stop reading this and take a breather I was laughing too hard. That's quite embarrassing in a computer lab full of people, but oh so worth it. great job.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-15 07:29:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What everyone else said except that I am going to eat hibachi tonight with some slam piece so you should be happy for me.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-01-15 05:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-14 21:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-01-14 20:41:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You started funny and have dropped from there. Sad, really.
_____
Get back to knoxville and protect your corner
_____________
hahahahahha
i don't piss if you cared yourself.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-01-15 00:53:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
wtf im not reading all that.
and way to gives us no reason to read all that by telling us the punchline before the end of the story.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2008-01-15 00:02:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was decent but you gave away the ending before you even started the story. Give us some more anticipation.
Submitted by SmirkDog (user info) at 2008-01-14 22:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So, basically, what I got from this story is that you have two assholes?
Goatse?
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-14 21:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-01-14 20:41:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You started funny and have dropped from there. Sad, really.
_____
Get back to knoxville and protect your corner
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-14 20:44:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Doodles: Eat your applesauce and STFU.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-01-14 20:41:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You started funny and have dropped from there. Sad, really.
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2008-01-14 20:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-14 20:27:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-14 20:20:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment