"My dick is shrinking" (1153 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.27 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HandZon (View user info) at 2008-01-15 20:03:50 EST
"My dick is shrinking."
"No it's not, trust me."
"What is it then?"
"You're getting fat, that's all. It only looks smaller in comparison to the rest of your body."
(Excerpt from a conversation I had with a friend a little over a year ago, which I shrugged off as implausible banter created with the sole purpose of keeping my ego on an even keel)
First, there a few important facts to be known before I carry on why today become another day of asking "how did I get to be like this?" within the first three hours of waking up. The saddest part (besides the revelation I came to while in front of complete strangers) was that today was actually a productive and fruitful day.
1. I have no penis issues: While I certainly do not run around bragging that 'he' got scraped up on the pavement upon accidentally falling out of the thigh holster I keep him twisted up in, I have never shared some of the insecurities some men I know see to be plagued with (too much dick in porn, aptly pointed out on this site).
2. He and I have had tremendous fun with one another over the years. He was trained early and, if I might add, at some very prestigious and private 'schools.' My apparent lack of morals notwithstanding, the young chap even participated in dual-enrollment at certain times and always carried on with grace (never got sick from his less-than-top-shelf playmates, or became too tired to play from drinking with the buddies...those few times were and will forever be blamed on subconscious emotional issues which I have yet to fully explore).
3. I am typically a normal person who, should I notice that something needs replacing or updating will carry said necessity out accordingly.
Apparently, the above comment does not hold true to the fact that I have gained a substantial (and by substantial I mean 60 Lbs) amount of weight of the last year. In my defense, which there truly is none and I take complete ownership of this folly, I have a relatively muscular build (that's right, easy on the eyes too) and the fat cells, as sneaky as they are, would very slowly and evenly accumulate so I didn't notice anything too out of the ordinary. Or, I could be a complete ass and blame it not on the exorbitant number of calories I have consumed on a daily basis, but on muscular atrophy resulting from a complete withdrawal from the ritual of daily exercise.
Also of some importance is the fact that, even as early as this morning when I was silly enough to think I could squeeze into the only remaining nice suit I own (story for another time...I'm in a re-building period), the thought didn't cross my head that I needed to shed some cushion. What did I do when I couldn't get the pant button and it's dry-hole of a partner within four inches of each other you ask? Did I give in and go to a store on my way to where this almighty revelation would finally transpire? Absolutely not, I'm a fighter and, as I realized a couple hours later, also someone who's standards are lowering at a rate exponentially more disturbing than a post I read here last night about 'Mung Poaching.' I did what self-respecting 'me' would do, I got the longest belt I could find, made a new hole far, far past the factory issued eyelets, and pulled as hard as possible to bridge the gap between the warring-edges of my slacks. Had this worked as planned all would be well. There was only one foreseeable problem; the belt couldn't close the entire gap (an electric winch was well in order) and as a result, I was left with an inch of space and a zipper that could only be pulled up two-thirds of the way...I have to say it was one of the most unattractive self-images in recent memory, or ever for that matter.
This only needed one modification to make it work: I would now wear a nice sweater (gray, cashmere, very becoming) over my dress shirt and tie because the suit coat would do nothing but advertise my situation and for some strange reason it felt like I was trying to piggy-back a midget when I put it on. Really, I thought the shrink-fairies had played another trick on me, little bastards.
So, down-trodden and more self-conscious that I can ever remember, I left the house for my very important interview. Why not? Whoever said 'first appearances are everything', or even 'dress to impress' for that matter? Yes sir, I had a full hour of driving to stage my entrance...the suave introductions, gracious-nods, and firm hand-shakes...all in a manner which would allow me to politely decline both the taking of my jacket (extra layer of protection...thank God it's cold up here) and the multiple beverage offerings. Coffee was a no-go as a result of me rupturing my bladder with the belt-tugging incident.
"Blah, blah, blah." is all I can remember for the better part of an hour because of the thoughts streaming mercilessly through my head.
"I can't distinguish my pecs, is that why my chest jiggles when I hit a bump on the road?"
"Fuck, that means I have tits."
"I wonder how many people sitting here think I look like a fucking rube for wearing two sleeves more than a sweater-vest to a fucking interview"
"I think this belt is starting to impede my breathing, I know it spiked my blood-pressure and my eyes are red."
"I'm flexing my leg and I think my hamstring has gone missing"
"My dick is shrinking."
"My dick is shrinking."
"My dick is shrinking."
Ad fucking nauseam for the better part of an hour.
And from the heavens above my revelation came thundering down like lightning:
I have gained more weight than can be tolerated and for the first time in my life I must exercise, not because I enjoy and choose to, but because I refuse to spend thousands of dollars replacing an entire wardrobe and I don't want to be a fat ass.
P.S -
It hurt to piss when I finally stripped after getting back to my house and,
I got the job. That's right; I start on the 29th of this month. I think a little slap and tickle (can't remember who said that but I like it) is in order this evening. Little lady, get ready to bust a few springs, or suffer a ruptured disc.
User Reviews
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-01-18 18:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(Made me smile)
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-01-18 18:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I gave this a -2? Wow, I must have been in a bad mood (or possibly drunk).
I must have seen the words "my dick" too many times and just opened fire. However, after another read, this did have its moments. Although you could have deleted all mention of your penis and not reduced the entertainment value.
I think a -2 is overly harsh, I shall adjust up to +1.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-18 18:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe - I like your writing. keep going.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-01-17 12:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:-D
Submitted by Smithens (user info) at 2008-01-17 11:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God people moan when utter shite is all over this place and then rate a damn good piece of writing into the ground - keep it up this was great!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-16 21:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought this was really good.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-16 16:05:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-16 15:28:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-15 20:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought this was amusing
_______________
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-01-16 15:10:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-01-16 01:02:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is criminally underrated, I agree, Caesie old chum.
*******************************
Thanks Stags. Holy, Drogo, Hilarity, etc, glad to see that wisdom is prevailing a little more.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-16 14:44:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-01-16 13:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think a little slap and tickle
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Beer Fest.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-16 12:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-16 10:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Before and after is a great idea, especially since I'll be 30 next week and I hear it's tough to lose once you get older.
-=-------------
i was going to do it mostly just to catalogue it for myself. its hard to notice changes in your own body on a daily basis, which is, i suppose, how i got to look like this.
i might do it. it will get -2's all day but i dont care.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-16 11:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just googled Koro and laughed out loud, first time of the day and, for that kind sir, I thank you.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-16 11:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-01-16 10:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you've got a bad case of Koro.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-16 10:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good to see someone made the 'cock' comment. Truthfully, I didn't think it reflected cock at all, certainly not as the main theme. I was being polite.
Excercise bikes are the best, I dress my up differently at times if I don't have any company in the house. Plus, apparently it's the only thing around that can fit into my clothing.
Before and after is a great idea, especially since I'll be 30 next week and I hear it's tough to lose once you get older.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-01-16 08:56:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yer eyes are getting bad, that's it.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-16 08:31:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
nup
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-16 08:12:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.webcomicsnation.com/spike/Templar/series.php?view=single&ID=100617
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-01-16 07:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A most worthy post.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-01-16 07:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you my friend, are a genius:
"those few times were and will forever be blamed on subconscious emotional issues which I have yet to fully explore)."
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-16 07:25:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was good.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-01-16 04:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
P.s My dick isnt shrinking, its on leave
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-01-16 04:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going with the criminaly underated view point.
I also have 'Fat' Issues at the moment and bought myself a new excercise bike. It looks really good and I have used it twice. Very handy clothes horse too.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-16 03:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
criminally underrated is right, by the way.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-16 03:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know exactly how you feel. I've become a fat ass. I dont eat right and I have problems waking up in the mornings. Haven't been to a gym in four months and today I went swimming for the first time in a year and I did 900 yards in an hour. It was like torture. I used to do this twice every day and my warm up was 1000 yards (at least 12000 yards each day, total, and I LIKED it). Today, I looked in a mirror and for the first time since I was 16 I realized I have tits, not pecs, and I have a gut that shows no signs of the six pack of yore.
Two hours ago, as I realized this, I thought about doing a before-after series between now and the summer. I promised myself that by the time summer rolls around, I'm going to feel a fuckload better about myself and my health.
But at least my dick isnt shrinking.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-01-16 01:02:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is criminally underrated, I agree, Caesie old chum.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-01-16 00:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, you fucking homophobes. He didn't spend the whole post talking about his cock, he spent it talking about how fat he was. I swear, somebody mentions a penis and all you latent homos go all '-2 die' on someone.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-01-16 00:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-15 20:23:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-01-15 20:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Rule #1 of Ubersite
You do not spend an entire post talking about your cock.
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There are no rules, but this still sucked....cock.
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This is an exception to the nonexistent rule, and as such a violation of it. The author should not only be banned, but force fed his own severed unit.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-01-15 23:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-01-15 23:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really well written. Your narrative is clever and amusing with just the right mixture of arrogance and self-deprecation.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-01-15 22:47:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thought it was great.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-15 21:53:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-15 21:42:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Join the club.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-15 21:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah...me too.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-15 20:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought this was amusing
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-15 20:23:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-01-15 20:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Rule #1 of Ubersite
You do not spend an entire post talking about your cock.
---------------------------
There are no rules, but this still sucked....cock.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-01-15 20:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Rule #1 of Ubersite
You do not spend an entire post talking about your cock.