Daddy what did the weird, smelly, hippy looking man say? (806 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2008-01-16 12:02:16 EST
"A four-year-old video of Tom Cruise talking about his Scientology beliefs has been leaked onto the internet."
The man watches the news whilst sipping his single malt whiskey from a tumbler made of fine Ivory. He yawns audibly.
"Idiot twat Burrell said Her Majesty had been concerned the princess was 'over-excited' about her relationship with Dodi when it first began."
The stands up from his leather recliner and walks across his leopard skin rug to his glittering living room bar. Pouring himself another tumbler of whiskey he kicks the exhausted boy sleeping on the floor. He then walks back to his seat and settles down.
"Several people have died and about 70,000 have been displaced by the recent flooding in central Mozambique."
The man sits forward in his chair suddenly interested, a gaseous fart fights for freedom from his buttocks.
"'The weather forecast for the next seven days is not good with more rain expected, which could last until April,' said Mr Rees, head of the IFRC's operations support department."
Licking his lips the man places his tumbler on his table, carved out of the head of a white Rhino. His hands search the table top for his whalebone phone as he continues to stare at the TV screen, his ass finally gives in and lets his excited fart out.
"Mr Rees said that the floods also posed a risk for Lesotho, Swaziland and Madagascar and called for immediate action to avert the crisis."
His hands shaking he dials the number and hopes for a reply.
--
Peeling himself out of his silk sheets Bob raises his head and feels the familiar tingle of yet another hangover. He gets up and crosses to the bathroom where a Nubian girl helps him urinate into his golden toilet. He curses as he pisses for no other reason than it is big and clever. He then stands and waits whilst the Nubian, from some Banana republic, washes his member, pointing out missed parts and swearing, until it is placed gently back into his silk boxer shorts.
Walking out of his room he stares at the pictures of him with foreign dignitaries and accepting awards. He mutters a curse as he reaches the end of his 'Wall of Wonder' and contemplates his Charmed Life. He steps on to his lush Koala Bear Carpet.
He goes to his kitchen and watches as another Nubian prepares his cereal for him. He watches as 'Fair Trade' Cornflakes are covered with the finest Champagne she looks up with a diamond smile, he shakes his head and whispers 'Never in a million fucking years'. He walks to the table and hears the phone ring, muttering to himself something about hating fucking Mondays he picks it up.
"Hello."
"Bob? Is that you."
The Irish voice on the other end is unmistakable.
"Of course it's fucking me you fucking cunt, who did you fucking well expect to fucking answer my fucking phone?"
"Well I was maybe thinking that it could have been someone else. You know like one of the girls, Pear or Tinkerbelle or that Karachi one."
"But my fucking god damn voice is male you dickhead. How could I be one of the girls? And you keep getting their fucking names wrong you cock stain."
"Ah yes that may have been a bit of a clue, I guess I'm still getting over my Bloody Sunday Bob. Anyway have I told you why I called ya yet?"
"I can hardly fucking wait you shit head."
"Well you know me and my mysterious ways Bob. Anyway here it is I have something for ya that will be bigger than that time you tried to throw your hands round the world."
"Well I'm listening fucker get on with it."
"There's a bloody flood in Africa mate. Could be a big one too, could kill thousands of the bastards. I saw one Drowning man on TV. We could help them Bob. This could be your chance again, and bring you One step closer to sainthood."
"A big fucking flood you say? Christ this could be fucking useful. I could get into the medias face again. I could start getting all expenses paid flights around the fucking world again. I could swear at the fat fucking parasitic leaders of this flea ridden world and get them to do something the fuck about it. This is it Bonio me old fucker, we're going to save the world."
"Well African flood victims."
"No the world Bonio. The flood is just the start. Right I'm going to finish of my breakfast and get to work. I have to find my old campaigning clothes."
"Oh the really old dirty looking ones?"
"Yes those fucking ones. The ones that really make me look like I give a fucking shit about other people. So much to do. I just hope I have enough in me for one last fight."
"Come on Bob don't think like that. I mean we're stars! If we can't do it who can?"
"Good fucking point Boner Boy, get your shitty cape on we're going hunting. Oh by the way, do you know how to get semen stains out of your fucking Seal skin slippers?"
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-17 17:09:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2008-01-17 09:39:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'tis a frigging good read, as I always say
Never pet your dog when it is on fire
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2008-01-17 07:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a "Nubian"?
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-01-17 06:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-17 05:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GUESS WHO!!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-01-17 05:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It'd have to be a big old flood to trouble Madagascar...
I want all his cool stuff, especially the rhino head table.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-16 20:49:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-16 19:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-16 16:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-01-16 14:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-16 13:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Son, the scary American said that if drogo doesn't write her a story including the excellent idea she sent him, the bad American will fly to the UK and gut him like the bastard cunt he is :)
--
Ahh but the Drogo is hoping that the bad American will come to the Uk and try to gut him but will be won over by his charm and wit and use of the letter 'U' in words.
Okay the Drogo will sort something out with the stuff that the lady sent him.
Nugget- Yes I know it was stale, but for some reason as soon as I saw it on the news the other day I couldnt get the Idea of Geldof and his bunch of selfrighteous twats comming to the rescue. Sad I know.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-16 14:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-16 14:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dees is good!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-16 14:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-16 13:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Son, the scary American said that if drogo doesn't write her a story including the excellent idea she sent him, the bad American will fly to the UK and gut him like the bastard cunt he is :)
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-16 12:50:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-01-16 12:42:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He sure says 'fuck' a lot.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-16 12:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-16 12:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"his ass finally gives in and lets his excited fart out"
haha
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-16 12:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed the bit about the nubians.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-16 12:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good imagery but stale idea... meaning, I like the way you write, but it seems like this is an old topic.
You know?