Monkeys Are Jerks (504 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by frankthebear (View user info) at 2008-01-17 19:25:58 EST
I live with a monkey, his name is Arnold, and he couldn't die soon enough as far as I'm concerned. Now I know what you're thinking: how the fuck did this crazy asshole get a monkey? The answer is simple: eMonk.com, your online source for all your simian needs. At first it seemed like a novel idea, I'd have the little guy hang around the house (no pun intended) and he'd be a great conversation starter for when guests came over. Little did I know how quickly things would turn sour.
My first indication that tings weren't going to work out was when he refused to use the toilet. The instruction booklet said the monkey should wear a diaper, but I was hoping he would be smart enough to potty train. Sadly he wasn't. So I tried making him wear diapers, but the little motherfucker kept taking them off.
The next problem came in the form of daycare. I have a full time job and I don't have time to baby sit a monkey all day. I tried hiring a few local high school girls to look after him, but they all quit after one day, and one of them is pressing sexual assault charges. Not against me, but against Arnold. He still won't tell me what really happened.
Another problem was finding appropriate monkey food. There's no Purina Monkey Chow in the supermarket, or at least not in any of the markets I know of. So now My apartment is full of piles of monkey shit, discarded diapers, and rotting fruit because the little bastard won't even eat a banana. He does, however, like to steal my burritos, which brings us back to the first problem.
I tried calling the ASPCA to see if they could place him in a better home, but so far they haven't called back with any news, and they took the liberty of informing me that it's illegal for me to simply let him outside to fend for himself. Bastards.
So what do I do now? I have a delinquent monkey and no way to get rid of him. Well...there is ONE way. I'm stopping by the hardware store after work this afternoon. They're having a special on hammers...
Fucking monkeys...
User Reviews
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-01-21 13:55:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for owning a monkey
-1 for reminding me about my recent hate towards "monkeyswithguns"
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-01-18 20:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hi, mr the bear.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-18 10:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
spank him
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh, you could have done a lot more with this.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:03:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
a monkey poked me in the eye once, so i sympa-thighs
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-18 08:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Monkeys rule. You don't.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-18 04:09:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whatever the fuck, man.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-01-18 02:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This wasn't funny.
YOU'RE the jerk for writing it.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2008-01-17 22:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
interestingly enough, there IS a Family Guy link on emonk.com. go figure, I thought I was making up the name.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-17 22:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you should see monkeyswithguns.com
I checked it up one day, and it came up to a web page for rent that read:
"Monkeyswithguns.com- Just west of bastard"
I don't know what it was all about, but now it just brings up an access denied page.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2008-01-17 22:01:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no it will not. i still dont know why it was there.
monkey.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2008-01-17 22:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
♠ <-- for some reason there is a spade there. i wonder if it will show up in review.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I was excited to look on emonk until my spirits were dashed by another user.
Shame
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
method you are a petty talentless retalliating tard
and for the record i sleep with a white woman nightly
and i have a baby that shares my dna to prove it
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:33:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:15:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This one's for your cocksucking LARPer friend Kuroneko "I couldn't get a white girl if my life depended on it so instead I'll espouse the virtues of subservient Asian women" Sama
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dude, there's never a reason to make ANY of this personal. unplug for awhile, smoke a couple of J's and relax
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:15:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This one's for your cocksucking LARPer friend Kuroneko "I couldn't get a white girl if my life depended on it so instead I'll espouse the virtues of subservient Asian women" Sama
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2008-01-17 21:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-17 20:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck you frank, monkeys are cool.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/14167
see?
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you're getting a +2 just for bringing that to the table
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-01-17 20:57:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LIAR!!!
emonk.com is not a monkey buying place.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-17 20:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck you frank, monkeys are cool.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/14167
see?
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-01-17 20:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cause i also just got the last copy of the blue harvest collector edition at best buy for like 4 bucks
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-01-17 20:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
aren't you a virgin? All virgins get automatic -2's. You should be getting pussy. Get off the net.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-17 19:55:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-17 19:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-01-17 19:33:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-01-17 19:33:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for owning a monkey.
-4 for being dim.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-01-17 19:28:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
because monkeys suck