The Haldol Shuffle (My time on the inside) (826 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.68 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HandZon <pentucketesque.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2008-01-17 21:35:43 EST
A fact that I am not too proud of is that, in the beginning of the year 2006 (Anno Domini to clarify any confusion) I spent thirty days in prison. Actually, I think they call it jail because only short-timers and bailing-hearing candidates were held there. I really don't care what the fuck they call it but I can say it was the worse thirty days of my life.
For someone who had never experienced more than a night at the police station (on more than one occasion, but never more than one night at a time), the mere thought of jail put every ounce of my being on some weird sort of primal alert. Far too many jail-house movies had me thinking I was a prime candidate for being a 'bitch', whereby that very night I would be engaged in something that would haunt me in my sleep until the day I died and be the cause of my random crying fits during the most inappropriate times.
Equally devastating was the idea that at any moment (which is why I would have to constantly be 'on my toes') someone half my size and with surgeon-like precision would introduce me to the business end of a homemade weapon born of the most evil kind: the 'shank'. I'm not sure if I was as afraid of the shank as I was the fact that I sensed no one would attempt to help or even draw attention to me as the hole in my pleural lining allowed blood to gush into my lungs and drown me.
Those were the two biggies swirling through my head like snowflakes caught in a tornado while I made the trip from mental prison/hospital to the Essex County Correctional Center. The accommodations, or 'perks', on this trip consisted of the following: Three incredibly angry looking (if sociopath had a look, they were wearing it) men who had acquired a bunch of frequent-flier miles with the system, handcuffs that were so tight my hands were falling asleep even while I was constantly wriggling as one does to keep such things from happening (did I mention Fred Flintstones car had better suspension), and ankle cuffs. There is not a sensation on earth akin to having ankle cuffs tightened so they are firmly tethered to the apex on either side of the ankle bone. Couple this with the inability to take a step larger than twelve inches without being jerked to a stop by the stationary foot and any distance in the world seems like trying to summit Mt. Everest..............
Because a little bit of history is always nice when trying to paint a mental picture, I feel it is at this point that I should jump back just a little bit and offer a brief synopsis of how I came to find myself in this debacle to begin with.
Although at first glance I was a fully functioning member of society who was employed, had a girlfriend, maintained a residence, and had an all around socially 'acceptable' existence, I had become dependent on a number of drugs over the previous three years. These included both prescribed and non-prescribed drugs. Shortly before Christmas that year I hit bottom and a few things happened.
1. I was charged with identity theft (the charge was eventually dropped and, as God is my witness, I did not seek to 'steal' anyone's identity. I like who I am most of the time and don't want to trade with anyone else), identity fraud, and grand larceny. The explanation for this is an incredibly long story that I possess neither the patience nor ability to properly describe in writing.
2. I was charged with a DUI. First one, but that's all it takes. Very embarrassing as I was 'that guy' who would remind people not to drink and drive and insist that they stay over or walk home if drunk.
...In search of the always applauded hat trick...
3. I managed to get myself charged with assault and battery after a party at a friend's house ended with me forcefully ejecting two unruly patrons, their bruised and liquor-impaired egos forcing them to return with more troops, and my utter disregard for reason when I decided to join the melee that ensued upon their return.
All of the above happened right before Christmas (I received a summons in the mail for charge #1) and, in the spirit of holiday giving, my arraignment for all charges was to occur on January 9th. Yes, all in one day. I must have looked like a superstar to even the most hardened criminal (ok, hardened jay walker) having all those read to me in court.
A laundry list of criminal charges and a newly disclosed drug dependency problem led my beautiful, sweet, well-spoken, and adoring girlfriend (did I mention nurturing) of seven years to do the only thing possible...to conspire with my mother to get me sectioned by the state for 30 days at a state-run drug rehabilitation hospital where they also happen to house fucking lunatics who kill people.
Never having been a guest at a state facility before, I was unaware of the subtle nuances which attracted so many patrons back time and time again. Why, where else could fifty grown men mingle and co-exist in a room designed for no more than twenty? We all know communication is over-rated and I felt not only lucky but gracious to be in the company of sweaty, mumbling, openly masturbatory, whack-jobs. Peppered with the random schizophrenic or two and the fact that if I didn't sit directly on my pillow the one bar of multi-purpose soap, toothpaste, hairspray, deodorant, and rust remover they gave me upon arrival would disappear, it's no wonder why what transpired next doesn't faze me in retrospect.
I quickly found myself a victim of 'mob mentality' and badly, badly, misbehaved...my civilized mentality thinking:
"Surely they can't keep me here if I act even more absurdly than my bunk-mates."
As difficult as it is to imagine, I out maneuvered everyone in the room by means of staging a fake seizure, replete with a foaming mouth, violent convulsions, and a complete disregard for my own well-being as I repeatedly whacked my head off the bed frame whilst in the throes of my 'seizure.' Not important but showcasing my incredible acting skills nonetheless, my performance was so on point that I was brought by ambulance to the local hospital. Damn straight, less than a day in and I've already got a day pass - I'm magnificent.
Never in a million years did I think both the concierge and staff at this facility would out fox me but, much to my dismay, they did so and with flying colors. After returning to my villa after being hand-cuffed to a gurney in the local ER for six hours I was deemed a risk to myself and others. As this was not the case after having calmed down by means of my drive in the country, I became even more enraged the mere suggestion and decided to engage in a test of wills; whereby I would establish myself as the alpha male, or king of the jungle if you will.
What I can only surmise was it took all of three minutes (I have no idea really, the shit was being beat out of me as I was dragged across the room and down the hall) to throw me in an isolation unit, pin me down on my stomach, pull my pants down while keeping more pressure than could ever be necessary on one human being, and administer what I thought was a peaceful sedative to help me relax. Upon completion of what I thought to be the end of my nightmare I managed to ask but one question:
"What was that?"
"A CHEMICAL STRAIGHT JACKET, you piece of shit"
Now, I'm not a believer in using caps to convey tone, however, I will likely never forget those three words or the grin on the man's face as he spat them at me before slamming the steel door shut as he left.
What I had been given (I would learn before being transferred out of there and to an actual prison for security reasons) was an elephant shot of Haldol (Haloperidol).
I have pirated some information about it for you off a website and feel compelled, nay, obligated to explain the sheer terror and pain it caused as soon as I convince my inner-child (or my fingers feel like working again) it's ok to share. Actually, I have to seeing as this post was intended to be about my first 36 hours in jail and I left that paragraph hanging by itself two pages ago.
Indications
Haloperidol is indicated in the management of manifestations of acute and chronic psychosis, including schizophrenia and manic states. It may also be of value in the management of aggressive and agitated behavior in patients with chronic brain syndrome and mental retardation and in the symptomatic control of Gilles de la Tourette's syndrome
Haloperidol may lower the convulsive threshold and has been reported to trigger seizures in previously controlled known epileptics. When instituting haloperidol therapy in these patients, adequate anticonvulsant medication should be maintained concomitantly.
Adverse Effects
Neurological:
Neuromuscular (extrapyramidal) effects such as Parkinson-like symptoms, akathisia, dyskinesia, dystonia, hyperreflexia, rigidity, opisthotonos, and, occasionally, oculogyric crisis are the most frequently reported side effects associated with the administration of haloperidol. Headache, vertigo and cerebral seizures have also been reported. The extrapyramidal reactions are usually dose related in occurrence and severity and, as a rule, tend to subside when the dose is reduced or the drug is temporarily discontinued.
However, considerable interpatient variability exists, and, although some individuals may tolerate higher than average doses of haloperidol, severe extrapyramidal reactions, necessitating discontinuation of the drug, may occur at relatively low doses. Administration of an antiparkinson agent is usually, but not always, effective in preventing or reversing neuromuscular reactions associated with haloperidol
User Reviews
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-19 11:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No - zyprexa. She used to give me samples to use at bed (5mg), one night I decided to take 15 of them (75mg) and proceeded to tell my girlfriend, who was sitting on the bed, to quiet down because I was having conversation with her (I was looking into the closet where she and my dead grandfather were).
Fucked up stuff, better than any acid trip ever.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-01-19 09:59:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
my propensity to ingest alarmingly high dosages of antipsychotics which I had been given as sleep aids
-----
Seroquel?
My ex used to hook me up with 100mg tabs. 25mg makes me tired, 50mg sleepy, 100mg fighting for concsiousness, 200mg out like light for 12 hours.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-19 09:22:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not bitching by any means, it's written with humorous intent and, trust me, no implication was made that hard time was served - self observation.
Of course, I could try posting some some porn, what's your fancy. Better yet, I could incessantly link to other people's content and/or websites in a witty attempt to convey a point using the work of others.
Just a thought
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-01-19 06:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
booo fucking hoo
all you fuckers in this thread bitching and crying about how tough jail was are a bunch of pussies.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-19 05:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-18 07:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I felt that the ending was shit, complete shit to be honest. I did a stint in jail and believe me it is completely different than prison. I also spent 72+/- hours in isolation and it's no picnic. That being said, you probably deserved what you go
_____
Don't lie you fucking queer, it demeans the people who have had to actually be incarcerated. They don't bother putting ladyboys like you inside these days anyway, don't you just pay a fine and go on your merry way?
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-01-18 18:15:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm assuming this is going to be a series. If that assumption is correct, then this has potential.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-18 18:15:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-18 17:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This one's for letting me eat half your PBJ at lunch, I like you too ;)
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-18 17:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Let me know if that's it -
I've always been one to follow rules, as witnessed by my fledgling post(s).
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-18 17:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-18 17:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What the fuck? I thought I was only following suit? My bad?
Give me a number and, in good form, I'll personally deduct said 'offenses'.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-18 17:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Handzon, I kinda like you, but if you give yourself even ONE MORE +2, it's gonna be -2nami time.
It's nothing person, it's just a rule.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-01-18 15:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-01-18 14:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess not finishing is better than premature...
Ahhhh fuck it nevermind!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-01-18 14:24:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish this had an ending.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-18 13:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
NIIIIIIIIICE.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-18 12:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-18 12:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's just say there are grey areas of the law and, being charged had merit, but they were dropped (blame it on stupidity). I have knowlingly done some fucked up things with the intent very clear to me. This was not one of those times - I was just having some fun.
I vow to never kill a post at the ending again, although I know I'll butcher quite a few from the get go.
As a teaser - Part two is pretty much all pain and agony, ridicule/humiliation, the man who likes to be naked and smear shit, and my talk with Jesus.
----------------------------------------------------
That all sounds good, just be sure to make it entertaining. Otherwise it'll suck.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-18 12:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's just say there are grey areas of the law and, being charged had merit, but they were dropped (blame it on stupidity). I have knowlingly done some fucked up things with the intent very clear to me. This was not one of those times - I was just having some fun.
I vow to never kill a post at the ending again, although I know I'll butcher quite a few from the get go.
As a teaser - Part two is pretty much all pain and agony, ridicule/humiliation, the man who likes to be naked and smear shit, and my talk with Jesus.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-18 12:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting read until you shat on the ending. will read part two though.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-01-18 11:53:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The explanation for this is an incredibly long story that I possess neither the patience nor ability to properly describe in writing.
-----------
So you are saying you did it?
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-18 10:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, the ending was shit. Kind of like the let-down of premature ejaculation, I just wanted to get it out there and didn't finish it properly. FYI - after the chemical incident the next 25/26 days or so weren't that bad at all and, yes, there will be a part 2.
I'd like to think the state of mind was partly to do with the raging 'benzo' let down, coupled with an opiate addiction and my propensity to ingest alarmingly high dosages of antipsychotics which I had been given as sleep aids, but quickly discovered they did a wonderful job of allowing me to speak with dead.
Shazam
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good title.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-18 07:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I felt that the ending was shit, complete shit to be honest. I did a stint in jail and believe me it is completely different than prison. I also spent 72+/- hours in isolation and it's no picnic. That being said, you probably deserved what you got.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-18 05:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to hear that you're both a prick and a pussy. Means you can go fuck yourself.
Ha! Just kidding, you're alright.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-18 04:55:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Locksly - No bullshit, that's the joy of being able to be honest and, yes, insofar as drugs are concerned and what I viewed to be the judgement of others after my fall from grace I do not take any drugs. In fact, I know play the stoic after seeing the dentist because I know I like the feeling altogether too much. Drinking - eh - everything in moderation.
_____
thats funny, once I played a stork in a musical about a dentist too!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-18 04:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by Smithens (user info) at 2008-01-18 04:34:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 in hope that there is a part 2!
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-18 04:32:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 with good faith you'll finish the fucking story.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-18 04:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 i cant read this whole thing right mnow but i know youve wriiten shit ith e past that i enojoyded. pl7s tow.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2008-01-18 00:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not to be an asshole or anything, but I'm kind of an asshole at times, and I have to say that whatever they gave you probably did a lot less permanent damage than a club to the base of the skull would have.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-01-17 22:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aw, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and
admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being
a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in
the clowning business.
-- Homer Simpson
Homie the Clown
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-17 22:36:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck - now - typo - I know
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-17 22:31:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To answer both:
MWG - Awesome, my intention was acutally to outline the effect the Haldol had on me. Similar to yours, but in addition I had a total body lock-jaw and couldn't move for the better part of a day. Moaning at the top of my lungs and wishing God to strike me dead where I lay (on the floor of an observation room, stretched out like a piece of turkey jerky), I can definitely relate.
Locksly - No bullshit, that's the joy of being able to be honest and, yes, insofar as drugs are concerned and what I viewed to be the judgement of others after my fall from grace I do not take any drugs. In fact, I know play the stoic after seeing the dentist because I know I like the feeling altogether too much. Drinking - eh - everything in moderation.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-17 22:24:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not sure about the fake seizure thing. thats something a lot of people say they'll do before they actually go to jail ...
but congrats if you did.
It scared you straight right?
and every now and then when you consider doing something stupid you forget what it felt like to be stuck in a room with a bunch of people who could rip you into pieces knowing that it would take a good 7 minutes before the DOC staff came to your 'rescue'.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-17 22:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dyskinesia
This is what I get when administered Haldol. I found this out because I got very very drunk one evening, and things went wierd very quickly.
2 of my friends drove me to the hospital, as at that point I had begun talking to myself about things which I wouldn't even mention on an anonymous website.
When we got to the hospital, they walked me inside, and when I saw the sherrif's standing there looking at me, I tried to bolt for the door.
3 of the big fuckers had me on the floor, and within minutes I was strapped to the gurney, and was being injected. All the while I was screaming out that they were all slaves, and they were all going to hell, and I vaguely recall one of them telling me that I was the slave now. That could have been a hallucination though, it's hard to say.
I woke up around 7 the next morning, and went to work, and while I was at work, my hands began to tremble. The longer I worked, the more I was trembling, and at this point I thought I had the DT shakes from alcohol. When I walked back home, my throat started closing up slightly, and for some reason my tongue kept sticking out. I tried to drink ice water, which seemed to help a bit, but not much.
I had to be taken back to the same hospital, where a nice young doctor gave me a valium after hearing about my previous night, thinking it was a psychosomatic effect of some sort. After about 30 minutes, I was relaxed, but I couldn't pull my tongue back into my head, which is an extremely strange and unpleasant feeling.
He came back in, and gave me a shot of benadryl, and immediately, my tongue was back in place, and working fine. My muscles relaxed, and I was better.
Still made me nearly piss myself though.