Welcome to Miami. (595 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.07 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (View user info) at 2008-01-18 09:09:18 EST
My middler year of school, me and 3 friends picked Miami to be our spring break destination. Sally and Tom went down a day early for the Wine and Cheese festival. Frank and I met up with them the following day. The entire week was spent waking up at 10am, drinking Coronas until noon, getting lunch and a few beers, hanging out on the beach, returning to our hotel room, drinking more, napping, eating dinner, and then heading out for the night. Rinse, and repeat. This still remains the only time in my life where I've been drunk for a week straight.
We are out one night on Washington Ave looking for any type of bar that could be enjoyable. As we turn the corner onto Washington, we see about 12 cop cars, a cop van, and at least 20 cops on the sidewalk and in the street. They have 2 kids pinned up against the wall and are frisking them while 2 other kids sat in the back of a pair of cruisers. We decided it would be best to just keep walking. So we continue down the street and see some bar with a sign in the window that says, "Special! $2 Coronas All Night!" For $2, why the hell not? We walk in and the place is fairly crowded. A bar along the wall, maybe 10 booths on the opposite wall, small dance floor area, and a stripper pole in the middle of a horse-shoe shaped couch with mirrors behind it.
We take a seat at the bar and begin our drink-a-thon. The bartender was one of the hottest girls I've ever seen. She was wearing a Social Distortion shirt, had one full sleeve, and looked like my kind of gal. So I start talking to her, trying to not make an ass of myself. I get the feeling she's used to being hit on so I make conversation about Miami and the bar and all that crap, giving her the feeling like I'm not hitting on her. Eventually, though, I give up as I drink my 14th beer. I think I spent about $40 on myself at the bar that night.
About 330am rolls around and the bar scene starts to die down. We decided to finish our beers and then leave. Just as we're about to finish our beers, about 25 people start filtering. As they get settled, one girl in particular is dancing her ass off in the little dance area. She sees my friend Tom and her eyes open real wide. She slides over to him and in one quick, powerful motion, does the soft-ball pitch arm motion and grabs him right in the balls. He winces in pain as she drags him by the balls out on to the dance floor. He's trying not to spit up blood while she starts grinding her stuff on his baby maker. After a few minutes he goes numb to the pain, I assume, and starts dancing back with her. She does some stupid electric slide thing and hip checks him directly in the penis. He literally falls to one knee with tears in his eye. The bouncer comes over and helps him up.
"Haha. Hey man, You ok? I saw that happen. Looked like it fuckin hurt."
"Mom...meeee.." Tom utters out.
The bouncer helped him up and brought him to an empty bar stool next to us. He sits there, gasping for air while we are laughing our asses off at him. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, the dancing queen's friend comes over, grabs Tom by the collar and neck while screaming at him, "YOU LEAVE MY FUCKING FRIEND ALONE! FUCKIN PERVERT!"
We're all speechless. The dancing girl comes back over. Grabs Tom by the balls again and says, out loud, "I want you to take me to your place and fuck the shit out of me."
He is barely able to form a coherent sentence, turns his back to her without saying a word and hobbles to the bathroom. She turns to me and says, "I'll be sitting over in that booth when he comes back."
He comes back about 10 minutes later. The dancing girl is now grabbing some other poor guy in the crotch and dancing with him. Tom is relieved. It was at this point when some other girl jumped up on the stripper pole and started dancing. She wasn't wearing any panties beneath her skirt and lets just say you could see her axe wound, and it wasn't pretty. So she's dancing, rubbing her vashj against the pole. The bouncer wanted to try to stop her, but he was disgusted at the same time so he just stood there. Some guy goes up to the girl and tries to put a $5 in her poonnaner. Literally, he tried to stuff money up her choo choo. The girl's boyfriend, this massive human being...like 6'7'' and solid muscle, puts his beer down, walks over to the guy and straight punches the dude in the face. The guy's nose breaks and blood shoots out. One of that guy's friends hits the huge dude in the head with a bottle. The huge dude turned around and railed the guy in the face and splits his lip open. By now, the place is about to blow up. The bouncer runs over and tries to hit a pressure point on the huge guys neck, but cant get to it because the guys neck is so huge. Out of the fucking woodwork (seriously, no idea where these guys came from), like 6 more bouncers appear and drag all the guys fighting outside. At this point is about 445am and last call, so the kick everyone out. They call the cops and about a minute later they show up with an ambulance. They cuff and treat the broken nose kid, split lip kid, and huge guy while the cops question the bouncers about what took place.
We make our way out and begin our walk home. We arrive at our hotel room, fall into bed and pass out. In the morning when we woke up, I threw an empty beer bottle at Tom's crotch and hit him in the balls. He tried to yell at me, but ended up running to the bathroom to puke.
What a fun vacation.
User Reviews
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2008-01-21 15:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe I will look for jobs in Miami. I need a place with a great nightlife, I love to go out dancing.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-19 05:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
so promising.... but dude, that was it?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-18 12:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-18 12:09:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Many people mix up the personal pronouns I and me. To avoid trouble, delete the other person from the equation and see what you're left with. If you've written Sandra and me find that offensive, take away Sandra. You're left with Me find that offensive. That sounds strange, so you know that I, not me, is correct."
Interesting otherwise.
Yes, I know...I'm not one to really critique, but I just recently found that out soo.....
that shit's funny. that is atually a good way to determine the correct usage but coming from sico.... hahahaha
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-18 11:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the most awesome skin condition I have ever seen. I almost want it myself.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-18 10:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-18 07:29:56 PST (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy mother of fuck: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/11/12/wtree112.xml&CMP=ILC-mostviewedbox
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DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK IF YOU WANT TO LIVE
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-18 10:29:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy mother of fuck: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/11/12/wtree112.xml&CMP=ILC-mostviewedbox
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-18 10:02:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome. I like frenzied writing
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach till the break of dawn....
one problem,
There is no wine and cheese in Miami
only sangria and queso
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:55:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This whole story seemed really antclimatic. Sorry mate.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! Hilarious. Miami is such a hole.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:35:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I should -2 you for getting that Will Smith song stuck in my head.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dexter is an awesome show!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, but it's all so very cliche, and yes, I understand the irony in that statement. I think you should have added something about either:
a)cybernetic real-doll prostitute gang bangers and how their robo-pimps are smacking them around, and you try to save them from their "prime-directive" but end up being shanked by a 12 year old South African kid named Tsotsi with a rusty piece of clothes-hanger.
or
b)a surprise ending where you weren't actually in Florida, on spring break, drunk, or even attending college. Like it was all some sort of dream of a 39 year old obese cheetos addicted WoW player who lives in his mothers basement.
Either of those would have spiced up the story, like, 1hundred-Eleventy fold.
This one's free, next time my literary/bard advice will cost you.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Many people mix up the personal pronouns I and me. To avoid trouble, delete the other person from the equation and see what you're left with. If you've written Sandra and me find that offensive, take away Sandra. You're left with Me find that offensive. That sounds strange, so you know that I, not me, is correct."
Interesting otherwise.
Yes, I know...I'm not one to really critique, but I just recently found that out soo.....
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-18 09:17:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was 'Meh' until the end. Well played sir. $2 is a tad steep for Corona though.