On the Road (475 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by QuinnTheEskimo (View user info) at 2008-01-23 13:25:39 EST
It's 6:30 and I'm leaving my dealer's house forty dollars poorer but 3.5 grams heavier. The added weight doesn't bother me, even though recently I've been dieting, trying to lose seventy pounds. When I get to my truck, a ten-year-old pick-up, I put the sign on the roof that reads "Antonio's Pizza" and below that, in yellow squiggles that are meant to look hand-written "We Deliver!". I contemplate smoking a bowl now or later, decide on later, and go back to work.
At a regular job, you might get in trouble for sneaking off in the middle of the shift and buying weed, but not at mine. My manager figures if I share, then everything is cool, and I don't mind sharing. When I get back to the store I cash in, grab another delivery off the rack, and head back outside to my truck. I turn the key and the engine whimpers for a moment before starting. I double-check the address of the receipt: 1512 BARKER APT #29. Shit. Apartments don't tip.
The radio plays NPR. It's the news program, the one that I can never remember the name of. They've been predicting an economic recession for at least a month and a half now. That's gonna suck. The woman anchor, who to me sounds very sexy, tells me an actor died in New York, drug overdose. I shake my head. It seems to me if you're famous you have three ways to die: Plane crash, overdose, or mysterious murder.
The whole apartment complex is tired-looking and weathered. Most of the windows are shut because of the biting cold, except one. I stare at it, into it, and see a mostly empty room. A man enters, big, bushy-haired, and acting like a gorilla. He beats his chest and roars just loud enough for me to hear. He does this for maybe forty-five seconds before stopping. I wonder if I'm laughing loud enough for him to hear.
When I get to number twenty-nine I knock loudly, and the two falls off the door. I stare at it, a little brass two on a worn-out welcome mat. It looks like a picture a high-school girl would take and declare art. I hear movement inside the apartment and a little bald man in a tank top and boxer shorts cracks open the door, eying me maliciously.
"Oh thank god, it's just the pizza guy." He opens the door and I can see his whole apartment. Clean, orderly, with only a coffee table and a couch both of which sit directly facing the television. I recognize that he is watching The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Trillian and Zaphod are arguing about picking up Ford and Arthur.
"You owe me 15.75." I tell him, handing him the steaming box.
"She'll pay you." He tells me, and for the first time I notice the teenage girl sitting on the couch. She looks young enough to be his granddaughter. Suddenly I'm suspicious. What is this half-dressed creep doing with a teenage girl? Should I call the police? I search the girl's actions, every unconscious movement she makes, looking for signs of trouble. Is she trying to tell me she needs help? Should I just ask?
She pays me with a baggy of change that she pulls out of a backpack. "There is thirteen dollars in there." She tells me proudly.
I hesitate. "Your total was 15.75."
"The girl told me twelve something." The teenager informs me. She's lying, none of our girl cooks are working tonight. I realize that she was going to give me less than a dollar tip anyway, and I just stop caring about her. I don't care if this old man slips her a roofie and then brutally anally rapes her. She's a cheapskate, and therefore probably deserves it.
"Well, I have it here that your total is $15.75 and I can't leave until I have that much."
"Fine." She huffs, and turns to consult the bald creep. While they turn over couch cushions and disapear into other rooms looking for $2.75, a little orange cat rubs against my leg, purring. I pet it, and listen as Marvin's robotic voices plays on the TV.
After a minute or two, the girl returns, with three crumpled ones added to the baggy of change. "Here." She says, and closes the door. I count the money there on the doorstep. It's exactly $15.75. "Hope you get skull fucked, cunt." I whisper to myself, and decide that when I get back into my truck I'm smoking some weed.
I walk to my truck slowly, trying to enjoy a walk in cold evening air. I always do this after I don't get tipped. It calms me down. I'm admiring the beauty of a lamp post when I notice someone walking towards me. I glance at them, and it only takes a moment before I realize who it is. Gorilla Man. He's walking right to me, limping, smiling, his face darkened by the floodlight behind him. I decide to treat him like a gorilla in the wild and advance, showing no fear. I see he has a dog with him, a German Shepard. I know I'm going to get mugged.
As he draws closer his limp seems to get worse. That's where I will hit him, in his busted leg. I'll throw my empty pizza bag at him as a distraction first, though. That seems like a good idea. It's only a moment longer before we are face to face and, without any kind of warning, Gorilla Man steps off the path, and lets me pass, smiling. His dog heels and sits quietly, watching me pass.
"It's a lovely night, no?" He asks. He has an accent, or maybe a lisp.
"Yeah, real good night for a walk." I say, nodding.
When I get back to the truck, a take a look around, searching for Gorilla Man. I can't find him, and so I duck into the driver's seat, grab my sneak-a-toke, and take a hit, holding the smoke in. When I exhale I turn the truck on. It whimpers to life, the radio comes on. It's Jazz with Chas from now until midnight. After that they switch over to the BBC, but by then I'll be home, asleep, and tonight will just become a night like every one before it, and every one after.
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-20 18:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Actually read it this time around, too many of your posts end like this.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 05:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-29 21:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-40lbs+2
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-01-24 15:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:46:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not the most interesting of your stuff, but still pretty good.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2008-01-23 14:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's 6:30 and I'm leaving my dealer's house FORTY DOLLARS poorer but 3.5 grams heavier.
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Oh you poor fucker
___________
Man, no matter what you pay for weed, there is always some asshole who claims he can get a better deal.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
peckeroni
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:08:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2008-01-23 14:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's 6:30 and I'm leaving my dealer's house FORTY DOLLARS poorer but 3.5 grams heavier.
==============
Oh you poor fucker.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-23 14:32:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have lots of stories from delivering pies. there was the time a stipper wanted to tip me by sitting on my face, on stage, the time I'm pretty sure I was going to be robbed (i gave the pizza to them for free and got the fuck out)the time the milf answered the door in her partially open robe, the kids that always ordered for thier neighbors who always payed, tipped me, and bitched about the nieghbor kids, delivering to and being invited to join racaus parties especially during the sturgis motorcycle rally, oh i could go on but i won't cause I'm bored now.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-23 14:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great. I'd tip you if I were an apartment dweller, but I'm not.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-23 14:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-23 14:28:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I miss my sneak-a-toke.
+1.5 for you. Now - on your way.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-23 14:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-01-23 13:58:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2008-01-23 13:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There was a time I thought it would be interesting to do pizze delivery. At the very least, I'd get quite a bit of writing material. But I'm afraid I don't have the temperament to rely on tips. Learned that the hard way.
___________________
I thought that, too. Turns out, it's really boring, and frustrating.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-23 13:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was surprisingly decent.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2008-01-23 13:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There was a time I thought it would be interesting to do pizze delivery. At the very least, I'd get quite a bit of writing material. But I'm afraid I don't have the temperament to rely on tips. Learned that the hard way.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2008-01-23 13:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-23 13:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment