I Just Got A Haircut.... I Can't Decide Which Beard I Want - or - The Great Bearded Race (1344 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.37 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2008-01-23 15:31:41 EST
So I've decided to finally get a haircut. I looked like a hippie for far too long. Now I look like a douchebag.
The only way for me to lose the douchebagginess is to grow a beard. I'm going to let you guys decide which beard for me. Whichever beard gets the most votes will be the one that I will wear for the next few months. Below is a series of pictures to choose from. I've taken the liberty of drawing a beard on myself to simulate what I would look like with said beard.
I'm going to take a picture of myself every day while I grow the beard of your choosing, and post the pictures every week. Voting ends January 30th at 9:00 PM.
I'm also going to challenge all the Uber males out there who might want to race me in growing a beard. I'm a hairy bastard, so this will be no easy task. If you feel up to the challenge, just let me know, and when the voting ends on January 30th, that is when the Great Bearded Race begins.
The winner of the Great Bearded Race will receive.......
I'm not sure yet. We'll figure out the stakes when voting ends.
Here's a list of the possible beards to choose from:
1. The Handlebars - I'll be sure to either look like an 80's porn star, or Hulk Hogan without the steroids. Will require some work to maintain.
2. The Writer's Strike - One of us has to do it, right? In either case, it's not so much a beard as it is sheer laziness. Requires minimal work to maintain.
3. The Lazy Goatee - Simply shave everything except for my mouth and chin. There are pictures of me with this type of goatee, and I think it's nothing special. Requires minimal work to maintain.
4. The Depp - This one will take some time for me to get used to. This goatee will actually involve me going out and getting myself some trimmers to keep this badboy neat and clean. Requires significant work to maintain.
5. The Beaner - Another mustache that I need to get used to. If the Mexican look doesn't work out, then I'll just use some earwax and curl the ends a little bit to look like Captain Hook. Requires some work to maintain.
6. The Tyrant - Don't let this one fool you. I'm not going to actually wear a Hitler beard. However, if people should pick this, then what I will do is grow a beard of my choosing, or even do a style that simply isn't on this list. Much like a tyrant. That goes for any challengers as well.
7. The Chinstrap - Amish-looking beards seem to be all the rage these days. While a little uninspired, this one could be fun trying to grow. Requires minimal work to maintain.
If you have any other suggestions, feel free to leave a review or a picture response.
User Reviews
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-02-19 01:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iacobus (user info) at 2008-02-08 17:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2008-01-26 00:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2008-01-25 19:09:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
#4FTW!!!one11!!!!!
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Beer? Souper Bowl? Shales? Anywhere nearby?
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2008-01-25 19:09:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
#4FTW!!!one11!!!!!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-01-25 04:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
go for the cock box!
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2008-01-25 03:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Three of those aren't beards.
I grew a beard once.
Maybe I'll post about it.
*looks for effort... finds beer instead*
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2008-01-25 02:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
why not have your boyfriend squirt his man-juice in the desired beard shape and decide from that?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-01-24 18:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seven.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO PUT IN YOU!
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-01-24 18:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
neil diamond sideburns
Submitted by oapa (user info) at 2008-01-24 16:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#3
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-01-24 15:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#7 - The Chinstrap, mostly because the only time I've heard the word "chinstrap" is when Sealab 2021's Captain Murphy is beating the christ out of an unconscious guy.
*punch*
*punch*
*punch*
"How you like me now, chinstrap?"
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2008-01-24 12:28:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have two piercings in that ear, first of all. Secondly, I'm not piercing my other ear.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-24 12:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about you gay down a notch by taking the in-one-ear earing out or pierce the other.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-01-24 12:02:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The last one (Abe Lincoln) would be great, but you need slightly longer hair to pull it off. Other than that, the Dirty Sanchez moustache is good. I gave one of those to Method's Mom the other night.
Then I blew my load in one of her eyes and kicked her in the shin. Angry Pirate action!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-24 11:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2008-01-23 19:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 out of my sheer jealousy of you being able to grow handlebars, I don't have that little connecting bit of hair between a normal moustache and my goatee. :'(
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Ditto on that. 'Tis why I usually just grow a full-blown beard or the Johnny Depp look.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-01-24 09:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd go with either the "Hitler" or the "Abe Lincoln".
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2008-01-24 08:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm not going to give my opinion until i know what type of children you're hoping to attract...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-24 08:04:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I choose the dirty sanchez for you to wear. I just shaved my mustache.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-01-24 08:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i already have a combo of 3 and 7, so i can't race you. growing it back out is annoying.
you'd win anyway. if my brother in law is a good indicator, you italian stock can grow a healthy mustache in a day and a half.
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Not true, my bro didn't have more than peach fuzz until his mid 20's. Its SOUTHERN Italian stock that grows fur like its goin out of style. Northern stock fucks around and begs their facial hair to stop growing in patchy and weak.
Matt, 3 maybe 4 but then I'm partial to goatees.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-24 08:02:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-23 18:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'd worry more about the eyebrows my neanderthal chum
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lol
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-01-24 07:59:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As you know, I usually rock #3. However, I have now officially declared that I will not cut my hair until I am on Thai soil, so I've gone with a little sideburn action while clean shaven lately. I've since gone back to my #3, but I've been SEEEEERIOUSLY considering #1.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-23 22:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#1
FU MANCHU, DADDIO!
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Do it and I'll either join you or live vicariously through you. Oh, and congrats on being single.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-24 07:26:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, facial hair is all about the shape of your skull and face. It is not about the hair on top of your melon, although the overall effect is combined.
Many men often fail to realise this in much the same way that many women often fail to realise that pink is a highlighting colour to draw attention and not something that should be worn as a base colour.
I'm assuming you want to go for some sort of smart/casual effect which generally means a goatee, but it's worth bearing in mind what you're actually capable of growing. Also I would reccomend sideburns; they'd frame your face nicely. If the goatee is out of the question then you can try a well coiffed but full moustache, but it'd take a while to grow in (approximatly 3-4 weeks) during which time you will look proper, proper, shit.
Don't worry though my friend. You're taking your first steps into a larger world.
http://drmcninja.com/page.php?pageNum=12&issue=10
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-01-24 05:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Chinstrap
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-24 02:09:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
try number 2 but with thin lines, if you don't like it shave it off
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-23 22:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i decided yesterday that i will be growing a handlebar stache and beard.
i have been rocking the depp lately. that is just how my facial hair likes to grow in.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2008-01-23 22:37:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry dude but none of them work. They all scream Gay leather biker. I mean unless thats your thing. In that case go with #1.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-01-23 22:35:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a beard. At the moment it's #2.
BTW didn't somebody do this sort of thing before? It looks quite familiar.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-01-23 22:28:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Matt....
Grow out the Wolverine sideburn chops
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-23 22:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#1
FU MANCHU, DADDIO!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2008-01-23 22:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lisa - The marriage is actually off. The party is still on. I am delightfully single at the moment.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-01-23 21:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Beards are for men.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2008-01-23 21:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now that I think about it, I dated a few tubbies. Never mind.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2008-01-23 21:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know if I was a dude I would do everything in my power to look remotely like Johnny Depp. If you can pull that off, chicks will pounce on you like cheetahs to a lame gazelle. Oh wait, you're getting married. Sucks to be you!
I did it with a guy who looked like a cross between Johnny Depp, Vince Vaughn and that Constantine guy from American Idol. For the record, I only know about Constantine because I turned on my TV a few weeks later and saw him and thought, "That's the guy I fucked!" I am way too cool to sit through an entire episode of that garbage. Anyway, it was awesome.
How come the guys I get are always so studly? I must be really great. +2 for me.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2008-01-23 20:04:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
go for the drunken homeless guy look
and get some posters or something on that wall
Submitted by Talibandrew (user info) at 2008-01-23 19:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Also the handle bars is called a foo manchu.
Submitted by Talibandrew (user info) at 2008-01-23 19:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to sport the "writers strike" as you would call it. It comes naturally to me.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2008-01-23 19:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Suprisingly, the Handlebars look the best.
+2 out of my sheer jealousy of you being able to grow handlebars, I don't have that little connecting bit of hair between a normal moustache and my goatee. :'(
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-01-23 19:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sampson syndrome.
"""""
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IDIOT!
Don't you know that when you cut your hair, you lose your POWER?
See if you can pull off the Depp. Good luck.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-01-23 18:43:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
playoff beard.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-23 18:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'd worry more about the eyebrows my neanderthal chum
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-23 18:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
true.. but I think I like the depp better
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Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-23 14:26:45 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
or #3 four times.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-01-23 17:52:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#5. Mustaches are so hot right now.
Love your haircut. You look 100 times hotter with short hair.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-23 17:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
or #3 four times.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-23 17:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you know that 12= #4 three times....
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-01-23 17:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 obviously....Queerlins.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-01-23 17:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2 or 4.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
4
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i like the last one
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you remind me of that old "wooly willy" toy
it was that face with a bunch of iron filings on it and you used magnet on a stick to make beards and things.
http://www.fridgedoor.com/wowior.html
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've grown a beard for the writer's strike so none of you have to.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:12:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a pretty good-looking guy. Every time you post a camwhore, you look like a totally different person.
I like your new haircut and I vote #4...of course.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:09:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still using coffee grounds.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I VOTE NECK BEARD.
ALL THE KIDS ARE DOING IT.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and I vote 'none' facial hair.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:58:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Real men wear 2.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:55:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Go with the seven.
If the handlebar wins, I suggest growing a goatee for the first week-2weeks, then shaving out the bits you don't need.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Erm, remembering previous camwhores, when did you get so damn hot, daddy?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:50:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked your hair better long. Not that it looks bad, now.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:49:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Chinstrap
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:43:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yeah, go with the depp
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i already have a combo of 3 and 7, so i can't race you. growing it back out is annoying.
you'd win anyway. if my brother in law is a good indicator, you italian stock can grow a healthy mustache in a day and a half.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IDIOT!
Don't you know that when you cut your hair, you lose your POWER?
See if you can pull off the Depp. Good luck.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I rock the Lazy Goatee every so often.
But I would give you a whole 10 dollars to see you in Las Vegas doin' the Amish bit.
Think about it, man.
10 Dollars.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
5. The Beaner -
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AKA- The "Pedo-stache"
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they can get away with it because they start growing it in fourth grade. i say go for gigantic mutton chops. it'll be a source of amusement for all.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Depp...mmm.
The Beaner is also The Porno moustache. EWWWWWWWW. The only difference is the Latinos can get away with it for some reason.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
12!!