SPW- I have verbal Diarrhea, and Ubersite is my toilet. (796 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.65 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Monkeyswithguns (View user info) at 2008-01-23 15:33:57 EST
Talkin Shit-
Saturdays are better days, and I've seen better days my friend, but you're probably not my friends, and as some of you have said none of us are real because we're just digital representations of figures who may or may not actually exist since anyone with half a brain can pull pictures from the internet and pretend to be real when they're really just ghosts in the shell, all full of revolution and genocide, biding their time, and waiting for just the right chance to spring their trap and devolve us all into piles of grey goo that will end the world, but I'm not going to think about that right now, because the thought of becoming a semi-liquid always gets me depressed and who needs that?
This all evolved last night, and it seemed to flow much better in my mind, but hey what are you going to do when Hulkamania runs wild on you? So I'm still at work, and finally taking my lunch break, and I thought I'd do a post on my sandwich, but thought it wasn't really post-worthy since it's only a wheat roll with beef summer sausage and cheese with mustard, and not really that impressive, and besides I've already eaten it and can no longer post a picture along with it, and that's the real hook in any post, the picture of course because we're visual thinkers and our eyes lap up the most input of any of our senses, which is why it must have been hard for Helen Keller with no sight, sound or taste, but wait didn't she have taste? I guess it wasn't that bad after all, because at least she didn't have to listen to people like me drone on about nothing for long periods of time while eating summer-sausage and Muenster cheese sandwiches sitting in a broken office chair and listening to a Filipino try to determine what's wrong with your program when he's very far away and can't actually see you.
But I digress from my stress, because there isn't enough time on earth to focus on the evils of grey goo and Filipinos eating boiled duck foeti, even if he does say it's actually quite delicious, because how can I trust someone who may or may not be real? I much prefer to stick to my pig lips and feet thank you very much, good wholesome "American" meat products that stick to your ribs, your stomach, and intestines too and eventually will cause cancer of the prostate or stomach and I'll end up shitting in a colostomy bag like that guy that lead the rival Boy Scout troop growing up that I could never mention because it was rude, and we weren't supposed to pass judgment on people who made mistakes, even if it was their fault to begin with.
Who knows how the storm crows, if it always crows on Tuesday, and I wonder if I'll stay alive long enough to see a double sunset of a new sun that only exists in my dreams, but probably not because the scientists say that won't happen until we're all dead and gone, even if I do believe that I could have my life elongated to such an extent with genetic engineering and cloning and whatnot, if only they'd cross my genes with that of a stately old oak, or maybe a redwood, or maybe one of the cedars of Lebanon that Alexander the Great used to make great siege engines that did not so great things to the peoples of ancient Turkey, even though everyone knows that it was once called Constantinople though now you'd be shot if they heard you say that because of course it's now called Istanbul, but we're not putting on the Ritz, so fuck those towel heads anyway, what the fuck do they know, they're still living in the stone age, and I know it's so because I saw it in a movie about drug smugglers and someone screaming "Billy, oh Billy" while flashing her boobs against a glass partition and he jacks off onto himself, which I'm sure isn't true, because they're Muslim and strict, and would probably kill him for doing it, and kill her for being a whore.
Sad as it is that this is the state of affairs in most of the world, and I'm tired of my own countrymen, and my own countrywomen, and their constant stupidity. I hate the left for being hippie douche bag liberals without any sense of responsibility, or respect for tradition, almost as much as I hate the right for being Nazi douche bag conservatives without any sense of freedom, or love for their fellow man, and I hate the middle most of all for not doing a damn thing about anything, and no-one takes it seriously because it's not a real party with real power, and it's just a laughing stock from both sides, who secretly laugh at all of us for believing that it's a 2 party system when it's really just one party that they divided into two in the year 1861 to confuse and befuddle all of us, conning us into believing that we had a choice and we had self-determination , and we had a vote that counts, but look who's laughing now, oh wait it's still them, though I'm finally laughing with them, though I'm not sure if it's the drugs, or the insanity of existing in a world that is composed of chaos and sacrifice, and the ashes of those who asked questions before me, like the guy down the block when I was growing up who asked too many questions and everyone just thought he was retarded until that one day when he abducted little Sally Walker and took her into the woods and that's the last I heard of it because I was only 6 and nobody would tell me what else happened.
This is my shit post everyday, and I'm shitting on this post today because I feel like it and I feel that I deserve the right to yell and scream and rant just as much as everyone else, and I really don't think that I do it half as often as most of you, so -2, die away, I'll make it up another day with a sunnier sentiment and disposition that better reflects the fleeting feelings of joy and contentment that come with a summer day, but not today because today it rains, it rains and pours like the tears of whores who didn't get their paycheck because they bit the cock that feeds them, even if it wasn't their fault because they have rotten teeth from smoking crack and getting beaten by pimps named Silkey with incredibly high vocabulariousness, and afros that reach out and simply scream out "I'm hiding weapons here!" but the police guards don't dare touch them because they're white and they might get charged with racial profiling in the prison system while they're sipping their gin and juice in the hood on a Friday that isn't payday at the welfare office where they'll meet Glenda the good government bitch passing out paychecks to feed mouths that suckle at gullible yuppie teets.
Four score and seven more raining down judgment on your heads from below, like swelling rivers engulfing raging torrents swallowing tiny boulders as it flows from the mouth of Moses on his mountain high, telling us to be good or we'll receive a spanking like we'll never forget from a forgotten father figure that exists in our dreams, only offering advice after the need has passed because hindsight is 20/20 like that show that tries to be deep but only succeeds in pissing me off because it's never the topics that I think are important like why don't we rise up and overcome, even though I know it's because we have nothing left to overcome and because it takes tons of money to make that show, and that requires capitalism which requires that people get fucked on a daily basis, just like on the wild plains of the Serengeti where the cheetah eats the deer, and the lion eats the cheetah, and the Ebola virus eats the humans who kill the lions and cheetahs and everything else that lives because it's a harsh, hard, cold world that I don't always feel like being a part of, but I won't kill myself because that would be pointless, and I try to take my pleasures when I can get them because they're really quite fleeing and ephemeral, like waves lapping up on a seashore, or a she-shore, because the seas are always female, changing their moods like the changing of the tides, and the red tides, oh the red tides spoken of in Alabama, where common sense went to die but got lost and ended up in Florida in a retirement home and was renamed Alzheimer's because he/she forgot his/her way.
The end, I wiped my ass twice, flushed, and yes, I washed my hands thankyouverymuch.
COPY/PASTE: WTFINRAT
User Reviews
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2008-03-03 12:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice man, nice
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-01-24 19:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OK
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-24 09:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-24 07:44:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got 1/2 way through it and had to stop.
because it could actually be read and comprehended?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-24 07:44:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got 1/2 way through it and had to stop.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-24 01:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds alright to me.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2008-01-23 22:37:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-23 20:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beeltea was molested in the woods? fuckin' hell.
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-01-23 19:25:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-01-23 19:06:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Penalty for big block of words hurting eyes.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-23 17:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ranty pants
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(user error below)
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT THE FUCK?
I HAD A COMMENT.
THIS WEBSITE IS FUCKING BROKEN.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:55:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mwg!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:53:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
honestly, I can't read it - the format hurts my eyes. but from what I skim read - it seemed alright. maybe i'll come back and read it. maybe i won't. who knows. joe knows.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Yozz's co-workers who read MWG's post jump to their deaths from Yozz's window high above the city sreets*
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Some of Yozz's co-workers frantically call 911 and scream into the phone for help while others notice Ubersite on his computer screen*
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Yozz reads MWG's post, sits silently for a minute or two and then slashes his wrists*
--------------------------
Jeebus, it's not that depressing is it?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Yozz's co-workers find Yozz in a pool of his own blood under his desk*
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Yozz reads MWG's post, sits silently for a minute or two and then slashes his wrists*
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:13:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
From now on I wanna be known as Rob 'Silkey' Berg.
k?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hope that the whole sammich bit was a tribute or nod to my truly beautiful sandwich and it's related post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/113629
---------------------------
'Twas, which is a good book by the way.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-23 16:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So if you've a date in constantinople she'll be waiting in Istanbul. even old new york was once new amsterdam. why they changed it I can't say, people just liked it better that way.
don't forget trying hard to look like gary cooper.
i hope that the whole sammich bit was a tribute or nod to my truly beautiful sandwich and it's related post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/113629
i did enjoy reading this blibber blubber.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's "All hail O Toad" CJ.
Get it right or you're kicked out of the "Castratis For Orgasmatron" Fan Club.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We spell it 'diarrohea' in this country. Interesting, no?
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um...Why did I like this?
ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-TOAD!
...
all hail the hypno-toad.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:42:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So if you've a date in constantinople she'll be waiting in Istanbul.