Things I've Learned at Age 40...plus bonus "sexy lady time" (1727 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.8 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lungfish (View user info) at 2008-01-25 00:39:42 EST
1) If you eat three large dill pickles, followed by three cups of black coffee, you soon thereafter will shit so violently that you will achieve a temporary sensation of weightlessness. It's pretty neat.
2) An old boss of mine told me that if I continued to hold my sneezes in, instead of letting 'em rip, one day I would sneeze and my asshole would pop off and fly across the room at approximately 200 miles per hour. It's been 15 years since he told me that, and it has never happened. I learned he was joking.
3) Some Mormon women are sluts. Nothing wrong with that. Just something I've learned over the years.
4) If you and a friend drink all evening and half the night with a bunch of non-English-speaking Mexicans at a construction camp in the woods, you will have a good time. But then, if, after "sleeping" in the rain the rest of the night, you decide to eat for breakfast the crawdads you caught the day before and follow these with a quart of apple juice that you drink in about 20 seconds, in a short while you will think you are farting but you will really be shitting your pants and your friend will laugh at you all day long. This was a valuable lesson.
5) Some women will lie about being a Three Stooges fan just to get you to love them. Sad (unimaginable, really) but true.
6) Some people should die. That's just unconscious knowledge, man. Because the bigger you get, the wider you spread.
7) If you are 16 years old, and you are playing drinking games with your buddies with cheap, mass produced American lager that has been sitting in the hot trunk of your car all day, it is indeed possible to hit a wall from a distance of ten feet with a partly chewed piece of pepperoni that has passed through your nose as you projectile-vomit. And, if the pepperoni hits the wall just right, it will stick.
8) The square on the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides. Freakin' sweet.
9) Sometimes, when you're drinking with Apaches, and you're a white boy, they will turn on you without warning, and insist that you are from the FBI and are spying on them.
10) Finally, I've learned that it is never a good idea to wake up an Apache who is passed out on your bathroom floor. Just don't do it. I mean it.
And now...sexy lady time:
User Reviews
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-09-14 23:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2008-03-04 09:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck you too!!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-08 02:12:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
3) Some Mormon women are sluts. Nothing wrong with that. Just something I've learned over the years.
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An excerpt from an email I received (for reasons unknown to you, pervert) from one of my two best friends the other day:
"Jen [I'll never telll]? I need to get me an ex-Mormon with loose values too."
Everyone should, it's instilled in them to reproduce and please men, if you manage to weed out the whole reproducing thing, they make decent slaves.
I'm not even this horrible of a person.
Submitted by Green_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-03 01:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you forgot to mention how much you love being slammed by teenage bois
Submitted by Arnold_Benedict (user info) at 2008-02-03 01:05:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
boaring
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2008-01-28 04:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-01-27 15:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I nearly popped a kidney when i read the first one
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-01-26 06:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lungfish
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-01-25 22:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hearing about new catalysts for extraordinary shits is always +2worthy.
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-01-25 21:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-25 19:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-01-25 18:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
3 pickles and 3 coffee, that's not gonna work ensemble.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2008-01-25 14:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pffffftt...I knew all this by the time I was 39
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-25 14:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i decided i like you a long time ago. i just don't know that i ever said it.
you have to let people know you appreciate them.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-25 13:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-25 12:54:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there seems to be an awfully large amount of stuff blowing out of your intake. Well, and your exhaust as well I suppose...
Here's your label:
Caution! Prone to Explosions
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-25 12:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ubers father figure strikes gold.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-25 11:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-25 11:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2008-01-25 11:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
9) Sometimes, when you're drinking with Apaches, and you're a white boy, they will turn on you without warning, and insist that you are from the FBI and are spying on them.
One time I was in upstate New York drinking with some distant Seneca cousins of mine and I swear to you they were absolutely prepared to kill and scalp the cop who was following us. Indians are crazy as shit.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES SO ROSES ARE RED
I MADE UP THE REST
IF YOU GOT SOME BIG FUCKIN' SECRET
THEN WHY DON'T YOU SING ME SOMETHIN'?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
troof
Submitted by deathmobile (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
automatic +2.
Jane's Addiction.
This deserves a 2 anyway, but that was the clincher.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your geriatrics is showing.
9 and ten also apply to eskimo's and sioux.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps one day the Indian will put down his tomahawk and the white man will put down his gun, and the white man will pick up his gun again because, Ha-ha, sucker.
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Jack Handeyesque.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
righteous dude
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-01-25 07:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha Apaches.
My father has long asserted that my personality is due to a strange mix of suspect heritage; Scottish, Apache, and English (but we don't talk about the last one).
Kind of like someone who slap dash mixes several unlabeled chemicals together. You're never sure which of the chemicals added that finally caused the explosion that took out the entire 3rd floor.
Oh wait, we're Yanks. We're not supposed to talk about our heritages.
Anyway, nice to hear from you again Lung.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-01-25 07:38:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 06:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NapalmFace (user info) at 2008-01-25 06:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't live in the UK do you DeathJester?
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Oh dear. This is going to be one of those Eric Rice incidents, isn't it.
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hehehe. *this* is why I keep coming back.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-25 07:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd like to drink with an Apache.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 07:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marvellous.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 06:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NapalmFace (user info) at 2008-01-25 06:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't live in the UK do you DeathJester?
------------------------
Oh dear. This is going to be one of those Eric Rice incidents, isn't it.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-01-25 06:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by NapalmFace (user info) at 2008-01-25 06:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't live in the UK do you DeathJester?
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-01-25 05:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah man, I loved hearing about lungsy shitting his pants. Good one lungsy.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-25 05:38:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup...
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-25 05:11:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am turning 22 wsoon.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-25 05:10:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am turning 22 wsoon.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 05:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-01-25 04:04:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOLz
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-01-25 03:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good to know
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-25 03:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha
I am the big three-oh today.
Catchin' you up.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2008-01-25 02:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Things I've learned from this post.
1. Lungfish drinks a lot.
2. I already knew that, but forgot, and that's why he was the bartender in my crappy 8-bit comic.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-01-25 02:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a teacher at the school I work at who looks just like Lois Griffin. GIANT nose and all.
Only she's real, and has real breasts you can fondle and wears thongs.
Freakin' sweet.
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2008-01-25 01:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You remember that projectile vomit thing? Lol.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-25 01:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe that is 'most' Mormon women.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-01-25 01:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha you're old
***
haha you're poor
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Indeed, Wildman.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's funny, lostnphound.
We have all learned similar lessons. It's like we are all one. Family Guy's coming on. I'm going to go pull one off. Later.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:56:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#4
when you are involved with "those" type of people, ALWAYS, smell that "apple-juice" container first
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:54:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-01-24 21:50:34 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps one day the Indian will put down his tomahawk and the white man will put down his gun, and the white man will pick up his gun again because, Ha-ha, sucker.
==========================
hahahaha
---------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAA
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#2
i thought i was the only one in the world that did/does that
Submitted by regal1975 (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
im about to drink 3 cups of coffee... step 1 is done.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:50:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps one day the Indian will put down his tomahawk and the white man will put down his gun, and the white man will pick up his gun again because, Ha-ha, sucker.
==========================
hahahaha
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps one day the Indian will put down his tomahawk and the white man will put down his gun, and the white man will pick up his gun again because, Ha-ha, sucker.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha you're old
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
9) Sometimes, when you're drinking with Apaches, and you're a white boy, they will turn on you without warning, and insist that you are from the FBI and are spying on them.
That has happened to me too, but they were Comanche, not Apache.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-01-25 00:43:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
meh not into the toons