Piss Eater. (930 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.7 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (View user info) at 2008-01-25 08:27:29 EST
My freshman year of college I had a change of neighbors within the first 2 months. The two kids who moved in after 6 weeks were pretty funny guys. Sammy and Eric. They went to high school together and had known each other for quite some time. They used to live in a triple. In said triple, they had a roommate. Let's call him Kevin. Kevin was your typical looking raver kid. Terrible acne all over his face and arms, tall, skinny, gelled hair, huge head phones around his neck at all times, black baggy pants with those reflective thingies that come out of the cargo pockets, and to top it off he had one of those annoying-as-fuck all-terrain skate boards. He was a douche bag to the full extent of the word. I hated him.
When Sammy and Kevin moved in to their triple, they had their own stuff. Separate towels, separate bread, separate peanut butter. Sammy liked soft, Eric liked crunchy. They never ate each others peanut butter. Ever.
Kevin, the douche fuck that he is, used to bring home the ugliest of ugly girls. I mean fat, disgusting, horrid looking nightmares that would make a blind guy puke. Atrocious skin covered in acne and boils, terrible hygiene, and a minimum weight of 250lbs. Kevin used to bring these girls home and fuck them while Sammy and Eric were gone. They would come back to find a naked sea cow barely covered with a 10' x 10' blanket laying on the floor of their economy triple. They would spend hours in the lab doing homework, and have to come home to this. A skinny douche nozzle laying on the floor with a horrid abomination of human flesh.
One fateful day, Sammy came home and went to make a PB&J. He opened his peanut butter and found finger marks in it. Someone was eating his peanut butter with their fingers. He could see dirt from the culprits fingernails stained across the top of the smooth peanut buttery goodness. It obviously wasnt Eric, but he asked him anyway just to make sure. Eric assured Sammy that he did not eat his peanut butter. There was only one person left.
Kevin. Kevin had dragged his disgusting fingers in the peanut butter, the very same fingers he put god-knows-where on those vomit-inducing excuses for women. He put those fingers, probably dirty and covered in disease, in a vagina/asshole, peanut butter, his mouth, and more peanut butter. If you saw this kid and the girls he bragged about, your stomach would twist and you'd become celibate for a few weeks.
Instead of confronting Kevin about the peanut butter, Sammy decided to take a more drastic approach as he was thoroughly pissed off. He took his jar of peanut butter into the bathroom with him. He unscrewed the top of the jar, unzipped his pants, and pissed right in the jar. He filled it up as much as he could, closed it up and hid the jar for a week. After a week had passed, he put the jar out where it was before in his closet. The next day, he came home to see Kevin eating a nice, big peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He let Kevin finish the entire jar all by himself.
After he moved out, he told all of us the story. We never told Kevin. He always wondered why we laughed at him and called him, "P. Eater." How he did not notice the urine in the peanut butter is beyond me. Maybe one of these days we'll tell him he ate a bottle of piss.
Probably not.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-25 16:39:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:24:33 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It was in a pub, I didn't piss in public and it looked like water anyway.
I'm not bragging about it neither, I just don't give a fuck.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
That is PRECISELY my concern. You DON'T give a fuck at all! God only knows what else you're capable of.
I'm not fucking about Hurty. This is on a level with punching a disabled guy or smashing somebody's car in for a laugh. It's worrying and it makes me very concerned about you as a person. I mean it'd be cool if there was an uberuser who was a self confessed heroin addict but I sure as shit wouldn't invite him to stay at my home.
The same is now true of you. I suppose I should thank you for sharing this appaling revelation with us before we had to regret the consequences of meeting you in the flesh.
big fucking deal berty, but then I suspect you've never been a 'lad' i.e. footy playing, lager swilling, drug taking lout. you were probably into dungeons and dragons or some shit like that.
i've got lots of mates, wealthy men now, who have done stuff like that.
unless your 'horror' is faux.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-25 14:41:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm with Berty on this. That is something that should never be mentioned after it happened.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-01-25 14:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-25 13:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
blech.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-25 13:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really, REALLY wish I hadn't clicked on this post right after eating my lunch. Not so much because of the post itself, but more so because of the reviews. Good god I think I'm going to be sick.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-25 13:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2008-01-25 13:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Also, once (when out with my lady friend) we ordered a bottle of wine so rank that I declared I'd rather drink my own piss than have any more.
"Go on then." she deadpanned.
I went to the bar and asked for a half glass, went to the toilet and filled it.
I came back, downed it in one and gave her a lovely big kiss.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, the line between enlightened, thinking man and debased, debauched yahoos...between troglodyte-morlocks and the refined Eloi, as it were, has been irrevocably crossed.
Next comes shit meatloaf, snot chewing gum, and pus mayonaisse................. <urp>
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 12:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright I have to say my initial shock has dissapated somewhat and there are a few things I know about Hurty that may somewhat exonerate him in your eyes. Most of us here are middle class, poor people (and no, students do not count as 'poor people') tend not to have computers you see, but Hurty is very much an exception to this rule.
I can't claim to know the man intamitly, but I do know that he was born into a very poor Scottish family in a terribly destitute area. His parents fought very hard to get him into a decent school and whilst Hurty did piss his education up against the wall, he did at least emerge with a modicum of wit and a woman degenerate to love his most crude of attributes.
We should not see Hurty as a monster. Nor should we brand him a victim of upringing. He is a triumph; living proof that even a man of pure squalor can captivate us with his charm. Bart Bart could take him to a scientific contest an pit him head-to-head with a gorilla that knows sign language.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-01-25 11:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny post! HBTS' comments make me want to puke, however. You dipped your cock in your friend's beer?? Unless it was revenge for a horrible grievance, that is absolutely 100% unacceptable. You're lucky you didn't end up in the hospital.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-25 11:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*agrees with Berty*
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:53:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Iwanttoliveonabus (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, ultimate revenge!
P.s. Bonkeye, 'downed it in one'? My arse you did! You checked several times to see if i was serious and sipped delicately at your urine before daring to drink the lot.
----------------------------------------
Hurty's other half materialises! I suppose the staggering thing is that you loved it when he drank his own piss.
*shakes head*
You both horrify me, but in all fairness you are perfect for each other. You should get married because, seriously, this is it for you. There ain't going to be no-one else you're going to meet who is going to consider either of you acceptable AND still be a functioning member of society.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Iwanttoliveonabus (user info) at 2008-01-25 07:46:47 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, ultimate revenge!
P.s. Bonkeye, 'downed it in one'? My arse you did! You checked several times to see if i was serious and sipped delicately at your urine before daring to drink the lot.
---
Busted!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck me, you're right.
The SECOND time I did it, I downed it in one!
Submitted by Iwanttoliveonabus (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, ultimate revenge!
P.s. Bonkeye, 'downed it in one'? My arse you did! You checked several times to see if i was serious and sipped delicately at your urine before daring to drink the lot.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i guess you can eat piss
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:38:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry about it Emily. It's really not important.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought you were more Northern. Ah well. I AM GOING TO THE PUB TO DRINK MORE PISS!
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 07:22:03 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
<3 Berty. Your concerns are most valid.
Also, wtf is a cabbage beater?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was really hoping you'd be able to get there via a process of deduction.
DO YOU SEE HURTY? DO YOU SEE NOW WHY I AM SO UPSET ABOUT THIS?
---
Not at all Berty, sorry. Must be a regional thing.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not a Northerner, Hurty. Nor am I a Southerner. I am a midlander, a brummy (sort of), with all the connotations that go with that.
What are you on about?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A nurse and a Northerner get upset? My day is off to a good start.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
<3 Berty. Your concerns are most valid.
Also, wtf is a cabbage beater?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was really hoping you'd be able to get there via a process of deduction.
DO YOU SEE HURTY? DO YOU SEE NOW WHY I AM SO UPSET ABOUT THIS?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 10:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Great. The piss Nazi Emily is on the case now.
You're both right, I should kill myself for not giving a fuck about anything. I'd like to point out though, that I didn't get sick from it, nor have I ever done.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:59:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:49:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I made some caramelised onions and cabbage recently. Delicious, but I burned the arse out the pan.
------------------------------------
Yesterday I would have read that and just accepted it as a colourful euphamism.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
<3 Berty. Your concerns are most valid.
Also, wtf is a cabbage beater?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:49:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I made some caramelised onions and cabbage recently. Delicious, but I burned the arse out the pan.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, I meant "You'll have to forgive me if I..."
The sheer level of outrage I am experiencing messed up my typing.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:46:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The wheelchair guy actually started a fight with me. He's this lunatic middle aged guy who scoots about Newcastle on his mobility scooter. Scary chap, old Nazi basically. He started a fight over some stupid shit that I can't remember and started hitting me, so I hit him back.
Fair play really.
------------------------------
You'll be forgiven if I take the word of a skinhead, piss-drinking, cabbage beater with a pinch of salt.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't Kevin notice the peanut butter was a bit watery?
====
He let the piss sit in the jar for a week (give or take a day) until it soaked into the peanut butter.
also, Hurty, why am I not surprised that you drank your own piss? haha.
Man, I love alcohol.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The wheelchair guy actually started a fight with me. He's this lunatic middle aged guy who scoots about Newcastle on his mobility scooter. Scary chap, old Nazi basically. He started a fight over some stupid shit that I can't remember and started hitting me, so I hit him back.
Fair play really.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:37:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I disagree. However, I did punch a guy in a wheelchair once."
-----------------------
*buries head in hands*
Are you actually just a complete dickhead, Hurty? Is there some tragic childhood story behind all this asinine behaviour?
Whatever. You are who you are. To quote Red Dwarf: That is your crime, it is also your punishment.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:33:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Drinking your own piss....mmm sterile
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urine_therapy
http://skepdic.com/urine.html
http://biomedx.com/urine/
http://www.universal-tao.com/article/urine_therapy.html
Pretty popular apparently too.
I'd drink my own piss on a bet before I drank someone else's that is for damn sure.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:27:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is on a level with punching a disabled guy or smashing somebody's car in for a laugh.
================
I disagree. However, I did punch a guy in a wheelchair once.
Seriously though, I still don't understand what the big deal is. It's not like I announced to the pub "WATCH AS I DRINK MY PISS AS PART OF A DARE-ISH THING SET BY MY GIRLFRIEND!"
I just quietly got on with it. I've told other people this and they just laugh, you guys need to get out more.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyway. What's done is done. You're still a funny chap and member of the commonwealth, Hurty.
Perhaps one day you may even win back my respect enough for me to shake you by the hand, although I beg you not to be offended if I insist on wearing gloves throughout the encounter.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't Kevin notice the peanut butter was a bit watery?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It was in a pub, I didn't piss in public and it looked like water anyway.
I'm not bragging about it neither, I just don't give a fuck.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
That is PRECISELY my concern. You DON'T give a fuck at all! God only knows what else you're capable of.
I'm not fucking about Hurty. This is on a level with punching a disabled guy or smashing somebody's car in for a laugh. It's worrying and it makes me very concerned about you as a person. I mean it'd be cool if there was an uberuser who was a self confessed heroin addict but I sure as shit wouldn't invite him to stay at my home.
The same is now true of you. I suppose I should thank you for sharing this appaling revelation with us before we had to regret the consequences of meeting you in the flesh.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm with Berty on this. That is something that should never be mentioned after it happened.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It was in a pub, I didn't piss in public and it looked like water anyway.
I'm not bragging about it neither, I just don't give a fuck.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, but in a restruant? I mean in public? With your girlfriend?
This isn't "chortle chortle, what a hilarious jape" we're talking about here; this is a serious breach of decent human behaviour.
You drank your own urine in a restruant and then bragged about it. This is the sort of story that should fill you with nothing but shame, this is the sort of story that should go into the vault and ne'er re-emerge. The only time I should be hearing this story is if you had cancer and were asking me to be your offspring's Godfather so I had some idea as to what I was getting into.
Don't misinterpret my wit here. This is a fucking disgrace. You are, and forever after shall be, a sick bastard.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hurty, caught?
===============
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:02:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty can you honestly say you've never done anything stupid?
It's really not all that bad when you think about it. It's not gonna kill me and I suffered nothing, other than the adoration of my impressed girlfriend.
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not like I drank the piss for it's content.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:02:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty can you honestly say you've never done anything stupid?
It's really not all that bad when you think about it. It's not gonna kill me and I suffered nothing, other than the adoration of my impressed girlfriend.
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-01-25 09:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not like I drank the piss for it's content.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:55:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously Hurty, that's revolting. I am glad that you never came to visit me, Inion and redskies last year. What the fuck man?
I think I'm going to reccommend that you be barred from ever attending any Ubercon. I sure as shit won't be going anywhere whithin a 50 mile radius of you if I can avoid it.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude I'd been drinking so much the day before that it was clear and tasteless.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Once in the pub I dipped my cock in my friends pint. I didn't tell him for ages and when I did he hit the side of my head so hard I thought I was going to die.
Also, once (when out with my lady friend) we ordered a bottle of wine so rank that I declared I'd rather drink my own piss than have any more.
"Go on then." she deadpanned.
I went to the bar and asked for a half glass, went to the toilet and filled it.
I came back, downed it in one and gave her a lovely big kiss. I'm not really sure why she's still with me.
----------------------
*recoils in horror*
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:47:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Once in the pub I dipped my cock in my friends pint. I didn't tell him for ages and when I did he hit the side of my head so hard I thought I was going to die.
Also, once (when out with my lady friend) we ordered a bottle of wine so rank that I declared I'd rather drink my own piss than have any more.
"Go on then." she deadpanned.
I went to the bar and asked for a half glass, went to the toilet and filled it.
I came back, downed it in one and gave her a lovely big kiss. I'm not really sure why she's still with me.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-25 08:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This kind of fizzled and the overall "funny" wasn't there. IT reeked of a MTV special, though.