No bees, no bees. (855 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.69 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Occam's Razor (View user info) at 2008-01-28 12:21:24 EST
While flipping through the newspaper this morning, I discovered that a local neighborhood kid who was pretty much retarded has gotten married and now has not one, but two daughters.
It had been a long time since I had seen John. I don't know what happened to him but he had some sort of surgery on his brain. I distinctly remember rumors going around that he had a metal plate in his head. When you're 11 years old, this shit is a big deal and we were all determined to find out if it were true.
We used to spend our entire lives outdoors when we were kids. John lived right around the corner from us so he was always present for any kind of sandlot baseball games we'd play. The other kids would constantly talk about how they were going to plunk John in the head to see if it would ring like a bell. No one had the balls to do it though.
Well, no one but my older brother.
I was used to all the shit they talked. They were going to beat this one up, piss in that one's water or do whatever to whoever. It was a bunch of goddamn garbage so I wasn't surprised that my older brother had felt the need to posture in front of the local, pimply faced kids. We didn't have to work that hard though. I'm not that old, but back in the day saying "fuck" was still a little taboo and my brother and I peppered it into our sentences often.
It was after dinner, still hot and bright at 7 o'clock. My brother looked at me and said, "John's getting it tonight."
Yeah yeah yeah, I thought. We picked teams and my brother begged to be pitcher. He never did that.
He was actually fucking serious.
John sucked at sports so naturally, he was picked last and would bat last. My brother instructed his teammates that he was going to lob some pretty big meatballs over the plate, so that everyone could get hits pretty easily. Floater after floater, hit after hit, I watched as the bases were loaded and cleared at least twice.
Finally, it was John's turn to bat. He pulled his cap down on his head hard, took a few practice swings and stood next to the rock that we designated to be the plate. My brother worked the ball and threw a screamer right down the middle.
John swung so hard that he spun around, nearly falling on his ass. He was met with raucous applause from everyone, because, you know, those assholes were nearly pro athletes.
He straightened his cap and my brother looked in. Again, he put everything that he had on the ball, but instead of aiming for the plate, he aimed for John's head with deadly accuracy.
We all watched as the ball hurtled toward John's melon in slow motion. Apparently, my brother accounted for the fact that John would duck, because as he was trying to protect himself, the ball cut and cracked him right on the side of his fucking head.
And we heard the sound of metal being struck. I audibly gasped as John fell to the ground.
Yeah, we all made fun of him but no one wanted to see him get hurt. I yelled at my brother, "What the fuck did you do that for, asshole?"
"Shut the fuck up!" he shouted.
We all went running. John was face down on the ground, still breathing. He had a smile on his face.
I said, "John, you ok, buddy?"
"Yeah. Don't worry, there are no bees!" he said.
"What?" I asked.
"No bees. No bees. My Mom said that I should be afraid but there are no bees."
We all looked at each other, relieved that he at least seemed to be all right. A minute later he was back on his feet, swinging for the fences.
And it was true. John's standing among us actually increased because to us, he was a fucking cyborg and that was cool. I still envision him like this - no bees indeed -
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-31 15:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-01-29 21:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. Be careful though: Shaving with Occam's Razor will give you academic AIDS.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-29 18:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-29 18:05:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2008-01-29 11:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-29 10:08:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to be of assistance. :)
Submitted by Occams_Razor (user info) at 2008-01-29 10:02:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks to all...I actually cut down my original story, which was more rounded out, but I cut it down because the other stuff was superfluous.
Also, this donkey punch talk has seriously destroyed me.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-29 09:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-29 08:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-01-28 17:15:51 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:41:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A few years ago, in the last regular game of the season, I took a hard softball throw to the right temple from the short stop while I was en route to first base.
Holy fuck, did my ear ever ring for about five minutes.
The shortstop's comment? "Oops, my bad!"
If my wife hadn't pulled me away to the car to go get a CT scan, I would have donkey punched him on the spot.
_______________________
Why would you have been fucking him from behind?
_________________________
I was wondering that as well. I mean, responding to a softball beaning with assrape seems rather extreme.
====================
You mean a donkey punch isn't a euphemism for a fist/foot blow to the groin?
Great...now I have to go Google it and find out about yet ANOTHER term I've been misusing for quite some time.
--------------------------
BWUAHAAHAHAAHA
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-29 08:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-01-28 17:15:51 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:41:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A few years ago, in the last regular game of the season, I took a hard softball throw to the right temple from the short stop while I was en route to first base.
Holy fuck, did my ear ever ring for about five minutes.
The shortstop's comment? "Oops, my bad!"
If my wife hadn't pulled me away to the car to go get a CT scan, I would have donkey punched him on the spot.
_______________________
Why would you have been fucking him from behind?
_________________________
I was wondering that as well. I mean, responding to a softball beaning with assrape seems rather extreme.
====================
You mean a donkey punch isn't a euphemism for a fist/foot blow to the groin?
Great...now I have to go Google it and find out about yet ANOTHER term I've been misusing for quite some time.
Submitted by pigeonbrain (user info) at 2008-01-29 03:11:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-28 21:59:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amusing as it was, i think the story was just a vehicle to get to the quote.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-01-28 20:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There really wasn't much of an ending, which was disapointing cause the rest of the story flowed well, but its better than most around here.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-28 19:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I smiled, but it was well written and you actually told a story. You can have a 2. Yippee.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-01-28 19:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice story
the greatest aspect of this type of post is that it will provide you a nice and short starter list of who the assholes are on Uber
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-28 18:26:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I burped.
Submitted by deathmobile (user info) at 2008-01-28 18:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-01-28 18:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:41:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A few years ago, in the last regular game of the season, I took a hard softball throw to the right temple from the short stop while I was en route to first base.
Holy fuck, did my ear ever ring for about five minutes.
The shortstop's comment? "Oops, my bad!"
If my wife hadn't pulled me away to the car to go get a CT scan, I would have donkey punched him on the spot.
_______________________
Why would you have been fucking him from behind?
_________________________
I was wondering that as well. I mean, responding to a softball beaning with assrape seems rather extreme.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-01-28 18:07:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2008-01-28 17:04:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
An interesting bit of reading. I like to see my fellow tards doing well. I agree with Jack - this deserves a higher rating.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-01-28 16:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-28 15:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a dream last night that my old house was invaded by asians whose mission was to kill all white people. So i ran into the woods and hid in a tree.
--
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/China
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-01-28 15:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-28 15:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a dream last night that my old house was invaded by asians whose mission was to kill all white people. So i ran into the woods and hid in a tree.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-01-28 14:35:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PS - I had an English teacher back in high school who had a plate in his head. Knew everything Shakespeare wrote by heart, and in the middle of a book-free sonnet recitation he would start shaking his head like the plate had slipped and he was trying to snap it back into place. An odd sight.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-01-28 14:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a good little story made better since you told it straight with no frills and no bullshit ubersitesque exaggerations.
This deserves a much higher rating.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-01-28 14:21:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-28 14:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, yes, it was my LEFT temple. Apparently the blow rendered me directionally dyslexic.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-28 14:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you were heading to first (presumably from home plate) and the shortstop hit you in the right temple? that doesn't work out, slugger, unless the shortstop was throwing it from the first baseline dugout, you were running backwards, or you guys run the bases in reverse.
now, if you were returning to first after attempting to take second on a hit that resulted in a flyout, the scenario you presented is possible.
the moral of all that?
don't include unnecessary shit like which side of the head you got hit in and i won't have to write reviews like this.
okay, thats not the best as far as morals go, but i don't do fables.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why would you have been fucking him from behind?
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:41:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A few years ago, in the last regular game of the season, I took a hard softball throw to the right temple from the short stop while I was en route to first base.
Holy fuck, did my ear ever ring for about five minutes.
The shortstop's comment? "Oops, my bad!"
If my wife hadn't pulled me away to the car to go get a CT scan, I would have donkey punched him on the spot.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:32:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Retarded people (like sicosemen and perkman) should be forcibly sterilized.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-28 13:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The story was awesome and this line:
"He was met with raucous applause from everyone, because, you know, those assholes were nearly pro athletes"
was great.
Submitted by knowledge13 (user info) at 2008-01-28 12:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the picture just went so well with this story....
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-28 12:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-28 12:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-28 12:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Baseball.
Only a few more months to wait.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-28 12:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Baseball.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-28 12:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
pick a different username for your long boring stories
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-28 12:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I lived in a world without bees. Yellow bastards.