Sticks and Stones (as told by an 'Apache') (717 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.8 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tomahawk (View user info) at 2008-01-29 21:26:23 EST
Background:
I grew up having a crush on a girl that baby-sat for my aunt and uncle (she lived directly across the street with her mother). She and I were of the same age and while we always remained friends, our social circles changed throughout the years and our communication was, at times, limited primarily to my family functions.
Having been enrolled in dance class since the tender age of six, I would be doing everyone present a grave injustice if I failed to relay what an amazing body this girl possessed. Think Bo Derrick, my generation, add tone and a flawless ass and you're on you're way...on you're way yet far away.
Years had passed since graduation and, as was often the case, we saw each other while I was smoking a cigarette on the front lawn at my aunt's house.
"Hey, how are you?" we asked one another, the sexual tension that muddied any of our conversations since puberty filling the air.
"I'm great. You look awesome." She stated with a confidence that brought me back to the first time I asked a girl to dance with me.
"You too! " I managed to get out before looking off in the distance, trying my best at 'being a rock'. (Truth be told, she looked absolutely fucking spectacular and remained one of my few pubescent 'road-blocks'... think Pavlov and his fucking dogs, or was it rats...I couldn't name my ass from my elbow at that point: I knew what would happen if I hit the feed bar.)
The conversation went on for a few minutes and, much to my dismay, she was on her way to work and had wanted only to make sure we said 'hi' before leaving. After giving me her number, which I ever so brightly placed a 'confirmation' call to in her presence to ensure her number was in my sent call list until I felt like plugging her name in, we said our goodbyes and she was on her way to work.
Bear in mind, even by my over-inflated egotistical standards this was an attractive woman and I had never thought otherwise. This beauty had the leading role in many a late-night fantasy 'tug' when I was younger. As is usually the case with boys, however, in the presence of other boys even I fell prey to 'locker room humor' when a member of the opposite sex was not present.
Upon walking back into the house I was confronted by my brother Adam (19 years old at the time), my cousin Jim (18 years old), and my uncle Drew (+/-45, who cares, he played the 'audience' if you will). Fully aware the conversation was not going to head in a good direction, we all made our way through the house and onto the back deck.
In an attempt to make this humorous and not pathetic (which it is by virtue of the conversation matter), the below is a conversation between three relatively good-looking pricks who obviously have no self-respect and, as is often the case, chose to direct that frustration towards the least-deserving member of the opposite sex.
Adam: "Please tell me you fucked that?"
(As sorry as I am to say, the comment had little effect on me as I had discovered I was born with a natural inclination to stray from my significant other ((my therapist says I have 'love' issues)), who was sitting but twenty feet away talking about God knows what the fuck with my aunts and mother)
Me: "No you asshole, it's never been like that."
Jim: "Fuck that, I'd throw it in her in a heartbeat, no questions asked. That is one of the best looking asses I've ever seen in my life."
(Insert inappropriate comment by my brother, based on the fact that this woman had once dated a man born of a darker 'race.' I also feel it important to make clear this is not something I am proud of, nor is it the type of behavior regularly displayed by my brother, but in retrospect wasn't that big of a deal).
Adam: "I don't know man? She had that roll of tar-paper in her for awhile, think you could keep up? We are in the same family after all, you working with something different than I am?"
(My uncle, who is family by marriage and from northern Maine, remains silent but laughing at the conversation unfolding before him)
Me: "Cute, fuck head. Does she not have the best ass you have ever seen? So help me God, before I die I will so have my dick in her ass. Blood is not only a possibility, but encouraged. Really, can you imagine tugging on her hair and wrapping an arm around her waist while lifting her off the ground and absolutely fucking railing her?"
Immature laughs are shared all around while I fiddle around with my hands in my pockets, like the little boy who knows he's done something wrong but doesn't quite yet feel he's done enough to impress those around him.
Me: "One thing bothers me though."
Jim: "Yeah, what's that."
Me: "Her fucking hairline. It's looks like she got scalped by Indians and they felt bad so they put it back on, only four inches higher than they should have. Tell me that is not the biggest fucking forehead you've ever seen. I mean, she's a grade A fuck but that forehead should have manned borders. I'm not one for bangs, but put a fucking cover on it already."
While the conversation went on for the time it took us to smoke another cigarette, my scalping comment was the 'Satan's opus' of the conversation.
The rest of the day went on without much fanfare and, as it happens, so did the next few days. One afternoon while I was out during my lunch hour, however, I received an anonymous call on my cell phone and made the mistake of answering the call. I say mistake because I typically don't answer blocked or anonymous calls, but I had already ignored six such calls in as many minutes and decided to put an end to the nonsense.
"Hello"
"Hey big guy." Please insert the nastiest, sarcastic tone you've ever heard and multiply it exponentially, you're almost there.
"Who's this?" I asked with trepidation. I truly didn't recognize the voice right away.
"It's *******, I just wanted to say hi. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to get my scalp put back on right. I was thinking a couple of inches lower, what do you think?"
(At this point it dawns on me that it can only be one person, I just about shit my pants while driving and can't muster up the courage to speak, nor can my nervous system bridge the synapses and hang up the phone)
"Really, well you should think about making sure your phone's off before talking shit about people in the future, you know, in case they have a roll of tar paper in their ass or you're fucking the shit out of their ass while they bleed all over your cock."
Yes, I am dead silent and can find nothing to say. I do what anyone in that position would do with no balls and having been called out...........
I finally manage to hit 'end' and hope to fucking God I never have to speak to her again. Of course, as would anyone be, I was still curious as to how she knew what I said, right?
As it turns out, I somehow managed to redial her number inadvertently while walking into/through the house and was not fortunate enough to inadvertently end said call. My call log showed a call to her number for 9min 43sec................
Long enough to paint me as the biggest prick on the face of the earth. As conversations go, this in one I will certainly have with God someday.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2008-02-01 15:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch. That hurts. It seemed like it was going so well.....how did you fuck that up? Get a flip phone, that way it has to be open to dial a number and you can't dial numbers form your pocket.....
Oh well, best of luck with that in the future.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2008-01-31 23:36:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
not awful, but below good.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-01-31 22:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahhahaa
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-31 09:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
Submitted by Astral206 (user info) at 2008-01-31 00:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Apologize, hit it, quit.
Submitted by Mekare (user info) at 2008-01-30 13:11:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking brilliant.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-01-30 12:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL
women are vicious.
be careful. she may not be done
with you just yet.
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2008-01-30 11:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my freakin' tap-dancin' god. That is truly, truly harsh. Makes me pine for the pre-cell-phone days. The chances of you calling her on a land line, dropping the phone, and leaving it off the hook during this conversation are roughly NIL. Damn technology.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-30 10:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'relly'?
'really'
jesus christ.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-30 10:40:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the disjointed way this was written was relly off-putting.
there was an aside of some sort every other sentence and it made it a really jarring read.
slightly funny story, could have been presented much better
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-01-30 10:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-01-30 10:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
l
o
l
this is why I refuse to say anything behind someones back that I wouldn't say to their front.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-30 08:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to go, nummy.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-30 04:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*wince*
Ouch.
Highly enjoyable read.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-01-30 00:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't want to, but alright.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-01-29 22:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I killed or ate most of my male friends/relatives. Good story.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-01-29 22:42:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
instead of "kicker of all ass", insert "dicker of all ass" here...
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-29 22:25:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i lolzersk8d
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-01-29 22:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 100th review.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-29 22:07:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gravity_Purple (user info) at 2008-01-29 21:48:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How ungrateful of her. She could have at least been happy about the compliments before the demeaning.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2008-01-29 21:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-01-29 21:40:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my God. Thanks for making me pee.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-01-29 21:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2MCCALLUM