The Ballad of Will & Cammy (658 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.37 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2008-01-30 08:04:10 EST
I wrote this piece for a contest on another site. You had to write a fictionalized account based on true events. All this nonsense actually happened to some idiot friends of mine. I thought this tale was just stupid enough to share with Uber. I hope some of you like it...
___________________________________
So, I suppose you've come here for a story? That's fine, I can weave you a tale. Now, this won't be the most impressive of yarns; no piece of great adventure or tragic romance. No, I'm afraid this is a simple story, one about somewhat ordinary, if not slightly askewed individuals. The plot? Just a day in life, if you will. And what shall we call our brave characters, our plucky duo? How about Will and Cammy...
Three dollars and ten cents. This the sum total amount of the accumulated wealth between the two of them at that given moment. All pockets had been thoroughly rummaged through, all couch cushions properly tossed, all drawers expertly pillaged about. Three dollars and ten cents. Now, while that might seem a pittance to you and I, to two young stoners only a hallway down from an apartment complex vending machine, it was the fortune of a kingdom. The stash securely hidden in an old Transformers lunchbox with the bowl and stuffed under the bed, our intrepid couple set out to claim their feast.
"Chocolate. I need chocolate if I'm going to survive," said Cammy.
"Do you hear that?" asked Will. "Do you hear the BBQ chips calling me? They're saying, 'Will, eat me! EAT ME NOW'!"
"Ummm, I'll eat you later if you're lucky," said Cammy.
Will smiled. "Such sweet talkin' makes me wanna..."
"Shhhh!" quieted Cammy with a finger to her lips.
They both heard a bang and some movement inside Dave's apartment. Neighbor Dave, weirdo Dave, drunk Dave; these all basically applied. Will and Cammy snuck passed his door as quietly as possible and further down the hall.
"Crisis, adverted," said Will when they reached the apartment complex lobby doors.
Cammy rolled her eyes and followed her boyfriend into the lobby. It was a small, somewhat dilapidated room, not surprising given the general state of the complex. Two soda machines and a snack machine sat off to the right, stairs to the basement laundry room to the left.
Plopping change into the vending machine, both Will and Cammy started giggling. The copious amounts of pot they had consumed wavered in the heads, making everything joyous. Will hit the correct set of buttons to retrieve his glorious bag of chips. The arrived at the bottom of the machine with a resounding *THUNK*
"That was the machine talking to us," Will said.
"I completely believe you," responded Cammy.
More money, and now a Clark Bar fell to its death. *THUNK*
"See how happy the machine is to give us food?"
Cammy nodded.
More money, more junk food. *THUNK - THUNK*
"Baby, is there enough left to get me some of those wintergreen Lifesavers?" cooed Cammy.
Will clicked his tongue, but said nothing. Cammy was addicted to all things small and minty. She wouldn't even smoke a cigarette without one. Money equaled a *THUNK* and Will reached down to grab the mints.
"Here are your Lifesavers!" said Will in a robotic, very vending machine-like voice.
"... BITCH!" added Cammy.
Will turned slowly to his girlfriend. "Now why's it gotta be like that? Why would the machine call you a bitch?"
Cammy blinked. "Because I'm in a perpetual war with all things?"
"But... with a fucking vending machine?"
"Oh, it hates me, too."
"Such negativity, such hostility! Honestly, it makes me kinda hot," replied Will.
"I know, baby."
Sauntering back down the hallway, Will continued to sing in his robotic, vending machine voice. It was much along the lines of 'Here Are Your Lifesavers' over and over again. Very quickly he added robot dancing as well.
"Take your Lifesavers... BITCH!" screamed Cammy with glee from right behind him.
"Jesus! Now it's TAKE your Lifesavers? The vending machine WANTS you to have food, that's its only joy in life. Why do you..."
**BANG - CRASH**
Will and Cammy exchanged furtive looks. That had come from Dave's apartment. They were standing right in front of his door.
Escape time.
Back inside Will's efficiency apartment, the couple looked at each other again. They heard no more sounds coming from next door, no more bashing about. Perhaps, if they were lucky, Dave hadn't heard them in the hall.
Then, of course, came the familiar knock on the door.
Sighing, Will went to answer it. Dave stood there, staring up at the doorframe, his hand out in front of him. Will looked up, following Dave's eyes but saw nothing. Dave was a strange one, a few years older than Will's twenty-six years, but had already been in prison for Grand Theft Auto when he was twenty.
"Uh, hey Dave," said Will.
"Dude, are you at all mechanically inclined?" asked Dave, still staring at the doorframe.
"Ummm, kinda. What's the problem?"
Dave held out his hand. Into Will's he deposited a small black washer, a clear plastic tube, and a long metal bolt. Dave then nodded.
"Right," said Will, drawing out the word. "What are these to, Dave?"
"I don't know."
"Well, what are you going to do with them?"
"I don't know."
"Dave, I can't help you much here."
Dave sighed liked his mother had just been given a diagnosis of terminal cancer.
"You should probably come over and look at it," said Dave.
Will leaned back into his apartment and raised an eyebrow at Cammy. Popping one of her well fought Lifesavers into her mouth and lighting a cigarette, she climbed off the couch. She had actually gone to high school with Dave almost ten years ago, so she sometimes felt like she could handle him better than Will.
"C'mon Dave, let's go check this out," said Cammy.
The three walked out into the hallway and took the few steps needed to Dave's door. He opened the door and walked in, allowing the other two to follow. Will and Cammy walked in, her mouth dropping and Will swearing with a smile.
A pond. Dave had built a small, but what looked to be a fully functional pond in the center of his own efficiency apartment.
"Dave..." started Cammy.
"Yeah, I've always wanted a pond."
"I see. Yes, that is definitely a pond," responded Will.
"Yeah..."
"Oh look, Cammy. There's even a section with a waterfall."
Dave obviously didn't notice the tone in which Will had made that last statement because suddenly he blurted out, "That's why you're here!"
"Because of the waterfall?"
"Yeah, it won't, um.... fall."
Will closed his eyes and quickly, silently cursed as many possible things as he could.
A relatively short amount of time later, the waterfall had come into glistening life. Will stood back to examine to pond more closely. It was much like the shell of a plastic kiddie pool, but more sturdy. It had levels and sections to insert plants and even a little place to hook a feeder unit up to. Will didn't want to think about how much this had cost his neighbor.
"... and plants and fish. Maybe a turtle. A turtle!" Dave was now rambling as he took another swig from his half filled bottle of Southern Comfort.
Just then, Will's cell phone rang. It was his guy who provided the couple with their ridiculous amount of weed on regular intervals. Seemed he had a new crop that he wanted Will to try out.
"Listen Dave, we gotta bounce. You gonna be okay?"
"Who was that, Baby?" asked Cammy.
"That was Hawkins. He wants me to..."
"Oohhh, does he still have the rabbits?"
"Rabbits? Bunnies? I would love a bunny! What does he do with the bunnies?" asked Dave.
Grinning, Will said, "Oh, he kills them and eats them."
Dave turned very white.
"Dude..." tried Will.
"That's not very cool. He shouldn't do that," said Dave in a quiet voice.
"Dave, Will was joking," said Cammy. "They're Hawkin's pets... he's had them for years."
"Oh."
"Yeah, we gotta go," said Will, pulling Cammy out of the door. "Don't fall in your pond, Dave."
*** SO YES, these things all really happened. But do YOU know what happened the next day? You DO, don't you...
There, of course, came a familiar knock on the door.
"Uh, hey Dave," said Will.
"Dude, I fell in the pond..."
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-01 18:06:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this ages ago but didn't rate at the time 'cos I didn't want my name all over the front page LIKE IT IS NOW!
*sob* people will know I have no life out of Uber *slashes at wrists with a RUSTY blade*
:)
PS I took a peek at writers.com. It is terribly expensive, no?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-02-01 15:16:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was looking at writing.com (gasp) as a "writer" friend of mine had recommended it.
Well, I suppose we're all "writers" until the publishers sort us into "authors" and "garbage."
It would be nice to get real, insightful criticism, instead of obligatory +2s from the old crowd and obligatory -2s from the new crowd. It's difficult to gauge opinions here, and I'm guilty myself of handing out undue ratings, leaning on the positive. What can you do? Pay for mediation I suppose...
Still, you should copy and paste more of your stuff over here. Otherwise this site just isn't the same without a weekly dose of horror... or vending machines as the case may be.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-02-01 01:24:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2008-01-31 13:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always enjoy your stories.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-01-31 13:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-01-31 10:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
where's the picture of the pale naked chick with bourgogne blood drops?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-01-31 10:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
GAH!!! Thanks NKD, I am notorious for using passed/past incorrectly. And yeah, it should be averted...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-31 09:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
these were the only two glaring things I noticed but they jarred me horribly so I will point them out to you. Also they were soooo close to each other.
"Will and Cammy snuck passed his door as quietly as possible and further down the hall.
"Crisis, adverted,""
passed != past
adverted? what in the holy living fuck? typo? Please say it was a simple typo and that you meant averted.
that is all.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-01-31 09:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-30 21:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-30 14:23:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this and am desperately trying to find the point behind it. If it's just a simple tale with absolutely no meaning than so be it. Other than that, there were maybe two typos, and otherwise pleasant to read.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-01-30 13:09:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Now, while that might seem a pittance to you and I, to two young stoners only a hallway down from an apartment complex vending machine, it was the fortune of a kingdom."
So, so true.
There is a tiny, man made koi-type pond like that in my yard. The landlord used it as a selling point for my apartment. I soon found out I could look but not touch, as it 'belongs' to the first floor tenant who tends to it. It has flowers and fish and a little cascading fountain thing..I'm so jealous. I just want to read a book there is all.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-30 12:09:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-01-30 10:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I smiled.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-30 10:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So Muddy, since I haven't been around who have you, Hadley & Scourge been stirin' up shit with?
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you need to get rid of your assumptions about me, kid. whatever mental picture you have painted of me is distorted by your inability to look much farther than your own nose.
i didn't read this, so it's only fair to give you the benefit of the doubt ratings-wise. lord knows a neutral or neg rating means one user 'hates' another, and we don't need that kind of thing going on.
ffs
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-01-30 10:09:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-01-30 10:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're not a scruggs lover, are you?
_______________________
**SHOCK**
Don't you remember that time that I helped you secure Scruggs with duct tape and then inserted a honey-dipped, clear plastic tube into his left nostril? Then we stuck the other end of the tube into a box of earwig insects and made him watch as they crawled their way up the tube and slowly made their way into his nasal passage. Oh, how we laughed and laughed as he choked and gagged, coughing & vomiting up all those earwigs!!!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-01-30 10:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're not a scruggs lover, are you?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:55:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its about time you got over whatever it was that pissed you off.
=========
it was his vagina
it never goes away
_______________________
It's always hot & ready for YOU, Muddy...
*vomit*
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its about time you got over whatever it was that pissed you off.
=========
it was his vagina
it never goes away
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, I won't be around all that often, but I do miss this vicious lil' cesspool of human atrocities.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:50:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean, shit - all we have had to read since you were gone is Rob Berg v. Uber.
That is gettin' old, man.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its about time you got over whatever it was that pissed you off.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:37:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ, That's the fifth pair this week. Well I'm buggered if I'm buying her any more, she'll just have to feel the breeze from now on.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hadley - Oh, yeah that wouldn't be so good. Hmmm...
Drogo - I'm over at writing.com now most of the time. It's a pay site & heavily moderated, but I really dig it. It's a completely different kinda set up than from here. Buncha contest listings, portfolios, genres settings, lotsa stuff - but you pay for all that. By the way, tell your mum she left her knickers at my place again...
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see you around Kaos, Where do you go these days? Which Moderated Writers forum? Hmmm? Hmm?
Oh well back to the grind.
Mum says Hi.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How do I say this....
Asking a Java guy to use PHP is like asking you to write a children's fairy tale.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ummm, that's cool Hadley. I, eh... I have no idea what any of that means.
I am simply going to assume it's all very important and difficult computery stuff.
'Cause I barely know html.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-30 09:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Gascs was going to do it all AJAX-y but got sick of trying to do with Google's web toolkit.
I offered to do it in PHP for him, but you'd think I'd offered to get his kid hooked on heroin or something.
This was a lot like the dorms.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-30 08:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Temporary welcome back. Good piece. Pssst....I didn't read it, but suspect I will before the days over.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-01-30 08:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Who the hell knows, Locksly.
Gascs was suppose to have some kind of new site under the same name up & running around X-Mas, but it never materialized.
I'm at a subscribed, moderated writers' forum now most of the time...
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-30 08:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is pulsehead finished?
I'm am too lazy to type it in my browser...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-30 08:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you do like menthol, right?
-------
Normally, no. But I'm desperate. thx
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-01-30 08:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
HA! Yeah, I did Shlongy. I just happened to think that this particular tale would fit the general taste of Uber. Tell me, how are all your whores doing? Which one is currently under your desk and attached to your manhood at the moment?
Lung, I got a bunch of these Kool XL in 'Buy 1 Get 1' but I don't really care for them. I've never been a fan of wides. Here, I'll throw one to you... you do like menthol, right?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-30 08:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-01-30 08:25:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I bum a smoke?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-30 08:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ALTER! Kaos King left here months ago.