The People That I Hate: Stuck at the Philly Airport Post (834 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.4 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TooMuchMan (View user info) at 2008-02-01 17:42:34 EST
I'm stuck at the Philly airport. Every flight going where I need to go before 10:00 tonight is cancelled. I've been here since noon. I hate everybody. (Someone pointed this out once before: http://www.ubersite.com/m/114297#2624532). So we're clear, here's a list.
FAT PEOPLE: Fuck political correctness. I seriously think that anything over mildly overweight is a moral failing and that fat people should be ashamed of themselves. You do not have a glandular problem. You have a cramming-too-much-lard-into-your-fat-blubbering-face problem. We are all looking at you when you squeeze into that airline seat, and yes, all we are thinking about is how fat you are. How would I describe your personality? Fat. Deep down on the inside, aren't you a beautiful person? Don't know, there's fat all over you. Looking for a solution? I say cancer and AIDS. Sometimes, good old-fashioned pathological fatigue is the best way to tone those problem areas. Hell, Dan Savage still looks good. Also, amputation. Ever hear a triple amputee complain about his weight? Me neither.
PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO ADMIT THEIR ASIAN FETISHES: About 10% of America has an Asian fetish, and of that 10%, approximately 95% of them will not admit it. My brother, for instance. There is simply no way that 10 straight Asian girfriends preceding an Asian wife is the product of random chance, unless you work in a Vietnamese restaurant. Even more obnoxious is when people's Asian fetishes translate to Asian food/culture fetishes, so they are endlessly talking about how delicious sushi is or how powerful Taoism is. Whatever. Like who you like, but if you're only dating people with monosyllabic last names, you have a fetish. The sad thing for the victim of the fetish is that she probably doesn't realize that her boyfriend/husband has no inherent interest in her at all as a person. It's just what she represents, and for that reason she's completely interchangeable with 1 billion other Asian women. Not twenty feet from me there's a soft pretzel counter, and the woman who works there is Asian. I wonder if she knows.
PEOPLE WHO HATE FRENCH PEOPLE, ATHEISTS, OR COLLEGE PROFESSORS: It's too obvious. No creativity. So shut up about it.
THE IDLE RICH: Lots of rich people have jobs and work hard, or don't have jobs and put themselves hard at work at charity or something. Cool. The idle rich do not. They sit in Starbucks and work on their screenplays. When the revolution comes I'm coming for you first.
THE IDLE POOR: Lots of poor people work hard. Cool, sometimes that's how you pull yourself up. The idle poor do not. They suck up my tax dollars, eat candy bars, and shoot meth. Fortunately, they have lots of kids, and we always need ditch diggers. Or food, if it comes to that. The revolution and all.
PEOPLE WHO OVERPACK THEIR CARRY-ON LUGGAGE: A lot of my hates are related to airline travel (see FAT PEOPLE), and as I do a lot of airline travel, this one makes me particularly angry. First, they spend 20 minutes trying to find a way to stuff it into those overhead compartments, holding everyone else up. Second, they just leave it in the aisle, hoping no one notices and holding everyone else up. Third, they get all huffy when the stewardess tells them the bag will have to be checked. "BUT LAST TIME I FLEW IT FIT JUST FINE!" Why do people think that this matters? Shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down and if I don't strangle you between here and our destination you can have your bag back then.
2ND AMENDMENT/HOME DEFENSE NUTS: Note here that I didn't say 2nd Amendment SUPPORTERS, I said 2nd Amendment NUTS. If you fantasize about killing an intruder, you're crazy. There is one exception: the couple in Tremors. "Broke into the wrong God damn rec room, didn't ya you bastard!" HELL YES. Go America.
COLLEGE SOPHOMORES: Sweet Jesus do I hate college sophomores. I can't even verbalize how furious they make me. Yes, you don't have to do anything all day. Yes, you're so edgy because you skipped Math 201 to play Counterstrike. Yes, the Krebs Cycle is fascinating. Yes, there's no biological basis for race. Yes, your fake ID gets you into bars. Fucking die.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS" PEOPLE: Happy Holidays!
NEW PARENTS: Let me say this clearly, so there's no misunderstanding. If I hear one more time how wonderful it is to create a life, I'm cracking skulls. Having sex and shitting a fetus takes no special powers. It's the one thing that, seriously, every woman alive can do.
NEW TRANSPLANTS TO NEW YORK: People who have recently moved to New York City are insufferable. 9 times out of 10, they insist on informing you whenever they visit that no one has ever eaten anything as delicious as this one type of cheese from this fancy cheese shop that "really, you can only find in New York;" that they moved to such a "vital" city that they now like to eat dinner at 10, that their 100 square foot apartment is "really so convenient to everything". Come on. You know how we spell cheese here? K-R-A-F-T, just like you ate when you were a kid. That apartment sucks and you're overpaying. You'll survive if you eat at 6:30. In fact, you can Eat a Dick.
THE WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO ME: The woman sitting next to me right now won't shut the fuck up. Here is what I've learned in the past 20 minutes, from listening to her scream into the phone and smelling her: Her name is Jane, she's from North Attleboro, she's divorced with three kids, she weighs a third of a ton, she smells like Old, her stomach doesn't tolerate dairy, she's Catholic, she wanted to vote for Giuliani, she won't shut the fuck up, and she doesn't like blacks, Muslims, or checking her luggage
Seriously. I've been away all week. All I want to do is get on the plane, pop a couple nyquils, drink a couple G+Ts, rub one out in the lav, and go to sleep. At least they have cheesesteaks here. CHEESESTEAK. YES.
User Reviews
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2008-02-23 19:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your ire amuses me
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-23 19:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I do NOT have an asian fetish. I have an owl fetish. So there.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 18:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
there's a Jet Rock in one of the terminals that had pool tables, which helps pass the time. i used to get stuck there for delays almost weekly and i'd shoot pool with coworkers that were also stuck. if you get lucky you'll get there when a few flights have been canceled or delayed heavily and everyone is getting hammered drunk and acting like a retard and you may even be able to pick up chicks if you're awesome like me. i met a girl there who said her flight was canceled and so i lied and said mine was too. i had nowhere to be, so i just didn't get on the flight and i ended up booking a hotel downtown and banged her silly. it was worth the $350 room and rebooking fees. so unless you like shopping at the stores there, that's your only option other than getting really drunk at the TGI Friday's there.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 12:24:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I got stuck in the philly airport one time, but I ate sammiches in the food court and got even fatter
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-03 17:13:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm from just outside Philly and I just returned from a weekend in NYC. At a bar there, they claimed a "New York Cheesesteak."
I had a fit. Does NYC REALLY have the need to lay claim to our sammich? Ridiculous.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-02-03 14:07:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THE IDLE POOR: Lots of poor people work hard. Cool, sometimes that's how you pull yourself up. The idle poor do not. They suck up my tax dollars, eat candy bars, and shoot meth. Fortunately, they have lots of kids, and we always need ditch diggers. Or food, if it comes to that. The revolution and all.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Mmmmmmmmmm, Soylent Green.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-02 09:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-02-02 09:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't have an asian fetish, but i do like asian mixes (Kristen Kruek to name one).
However the nice thing about dating an asian girl is how huge my cock looks in her tiny asian hands.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-02 07:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MMmmmmmmm, asians.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-02-02 06:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
10-percenter right here.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2008-02-01 23:18:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
But I'm not one of those fags who wants to be a samurai or anything. Actually, I am most attracted to half- and quarter-asians.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2008-02-01 23:16:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO ADMIT THEIR ASIAN FETISHES:
I ADMIT IT!
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2008-02-01 21:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You mentioned counterstrike, asians, and cheesesteaks. You sir have earned yourself a +2. Spend it as you'd like.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-01 21:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This reminds me of the old days/Shlongy posts, only not as funny.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-01 21:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and have another, too.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-01 21:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops, forgot to rate.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-01 21:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bravo.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-02-01 20:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-02-01 20:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-02-01 20:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by deathmobile (user info) at 2008-02-01 19:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
I would've given it a +2 but, as a college sophomore, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
--
As I am a junior, I will.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-01 19:29:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When the revolution comes I'm coming for you first
I read this as, When the revolution comes, I'm coming to fist you.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-01 19:28:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You suck.
Submitted by deathmobile (user info) at 2008-02-01 19:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
I would've given it a +2 but, as a college sophomore, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I do agree with every point on the list though, college sophomores included.
Submitted by deathmobile (user info) at 2008-02-01 19:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2008-02-01 18:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Philly is the worst airport.
Ever.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-02-01 18:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
North Attleboro people suck
Submitted by Gravity_Purple (user info) at 2008-02-01 18:29:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My ex had an Asian fetish. He admitted to it. Frequently. I am not Asian.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-02-01 18:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So true.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-01 18:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you from MA?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-01 18:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are so tolerant.
You should check out http://www.ubersite.com/m/114015 for good views on fat people.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-01 17:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not twenty feet from me there's a soft pretzel counter, and the woman who works there is Asian. I wonder if she knows.
--
HAHAHA! I like this guy.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-01 17:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work. A couple of points, if I may -
Technically, a woman does not "shit" a fetus. Thought that was worth mentioning. Second, I have yellow fever. Just FYI.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-01 17:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Philly is a good place to be stuck at, my friend. last time i was stuck there, i stayed at the Marriott Courtyard across from city hall and had a fucking blast hitting all the bars in the area. these two cute little business traveler chicks wanted to come back to my hotel room, but my dumbass friend was drunk as fuck and ruined everything.
*SIGH*