Thank You For Playing... (912 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.81 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by someone (View user info) at 2008-02-04 23:20:52 EST
Today I couldn't help thinking about the big nothing that envelops us each and every day. The last few months have been astounding, and today was spent in court with my girlfriend paying probation fees and court fines for the final time I hoped. I love the word hope.
I was now living in a single room, rented from a benevolent court magistrate who had ties to my family and the room was small but newly painted and I had the remaining fragments of my life tidied in a neat bookcase and an oak bureau. New paint is a cleansing thing, it restores not only a room but sometimes a life and I had painted nearly the whole wing of the house I now lived in, a desperate attempt at sanctification not just through faith but rather something much more concrete and visible.
My estimation was I had spent over 22k these past few months, with college now behind me and my final financial investments given to me, I confess I went a bit mad. Oh, I won't exaggerate when I claim I had it 'all'. Whatever that means...I was renting a 400k townhouse outside of Collegia and once during the winter months, when my gorgeous girlfriend was taking a shower, and the snow was falling beautifully on my 2 acres of farmland I had shot dope for the first time in a desperate attempt to immortalize the moment. Death at the highest point of my life was the logic of nothing beside disillusion, but it felt so right and I crumpled into my designer bed and watched Planet Earth on plasma with Le Brun '96 in my hand and a cigarette in the other praying for an overdose. I wanted to give my girlfriend a Christmas present to remember.
Fortunately, I had lived. I had seen her naked body coming toward me, snatching away my presents to myself and screaming at me, threatening to leave like she always did when she found me at the breaking point, and we had tried to get help a few times before but my actions rarely manifested itself beyond words and so back down the rabbit hole I went for more fun fun fun.
Fun is quite subjective in retrospect. Sober, clean, it seems disgusting to look at the past and think that there was fun to be had. In truth though, there were moments of disgusting amounts of self-pleasure. My senior semester I received an award for National Honors doped up on 300mg of Oxycontin. That sense of accomplishment when you are so held back and still perform better then your peers gives one a moment of intense self-pride (the fall still was yet to come). Not only that, but cocaine at the Biltmore, the Residence with a script worth 2k, dinner at Buckleys, shirt ties around your arm at your parents Christmas party. The whole feeling is romanticized so much in our culture it seems worth living if only for a few minutes. Thank you for playing, who played as hard as myself?
Then of course we had the moments that we are afraid to reflect on. My lawyer and I have a lovely relationship, but so often I wish I could call and say; "John, how are you? How is the family, the wife, the kids my age?" Instead, I need legal advice again. Those two bottles of vintage Bordeaux really helped last time. I was so tapped out I couldn't possibly afford to keep a powerhouse like him, but I had pulled two bottles out of the cellar, one was my last bottle of Branaire-Ducru and said pitifully "John I need your help again". So he did. Today was a day where I thought "Thank you for playing".
John played, and my parents paid, and my girlfriend left me for months while I crawled up from the hole again, a bit wiser and more educated but still a scared boy and not a man as my age implies. I could blame it on our culture; it's so easy to do so. I could blame it on my childhood, but that's not it at all. I could blame myself, but my nose is still stuck in the air, and now that it's been a few months and my bank account begins to climb again, my cheeks fill in a bit and that girl who is way to good for me takes me back, I wonder...When will I play again?
Thanks for playing, come back again soon.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-02-06 14:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by spacemonkey (user info) at 2008-02-06 08:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah no shit.
Clinton is calling her failure to pass a decent health bill 'experience', and McCain sang the 'bomb Iran' song. One is a vindictive liar, the other a vengeful geriatric.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2008-02-06 00:31:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ok, but SERIOUSLY--If this campaign comes down to McCain/Clinton, I'm going to puke.
Why is it always between a Giant Douche/Turd Sandwich?
I'm going to be sick.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2008-02-05 19:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-05 18:54:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You, my friend, needs to learn how to spell.
===
SERIUSLY!!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-05 18:54:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You, my friend, needs to learn how to spell.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-05 18:43:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You, my friend, need more heroin.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-05 18:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
Submitted by jimmy9386 (user info) at 2008-02-05 15:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what course did you study?
Submitted by spacemonkey (user info) at 2008-02-05 14:44:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hell of game aint it. my good in my opinion/mediocre in actuality life is going so well right now i expect to be diagnosed with cancer now.
then the almighty Dog gets the last laugh. good thing im a cat person
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-05 12:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This would be a good post if you were funny.
Submitted by His_Infernal_Majesty (user info) at 2008-02-05 12:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for drugs and a wicked hottie naked in the shower.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-05 10:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm a bit torn, you're a good writer but you sound like an idiot. Have a pity +1.
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-05 10:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chapter One
I walk down a street and there's a big hole. I don't see it and fall into it. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to find my way out. It's not my fault !
Chapter Two
I walk down the same street. There's a big hole and I can see it, but I still fall in. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to get out. It's still not my fault.
Chapter Three
I walk down a street. There's a big hole. I can see it, but I still fall in. It's become a habit. But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately. It is my fault.
Chapter Four
I walk down a street. There's a big hole. And I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down a different street.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2008-02-05 10:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-05 09:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The trick is not to play the same game anymore. Play a different one instead. Diversify.
=====
Which is why I'm snowboarding today. It's a great change of pace. Also, the gym has been a great way to relieve strss...I guess my biggest fear is consistency. Anways, typing on cell phone IE sucks, I'll check this later.
Thanks---
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-05 09:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The trick is not to play the same game anymore. Play a different one instead. Diversify.
Submitted by Conform (user info) at 2008-02-05 09:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus 2 if only for Jay Peak.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-02-05 09:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-02-05 09:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-05 08:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This had just the right amount of melancholy I needed on this dreadful morning.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-02-05 07:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kicker of all ass (+2) - for the content
Made me smile (+1) - for the memories stirred
Worth reading (+0) - for the lessons to be learned
I've seen better (-1) - for the indication that you never learn the lessons
Don't Bother (-2) - for the difficult-to-get-through writing
If only you could write this story as well as the story deserved to be written.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-02-05 05:34:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sounds like you suck at this game.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-05 03:09:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Self-indulgent Bullshit. Crawl into a dumpster, hippie.
-------------------
in agreement
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-02-05 00:45:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You got any good Persian connections?, cause my tin-foil's getting lonely.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-05 00:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was a blog. A well written, blog, but nonetheless a blog.
I hate bloggers.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, thank you.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does taking ecstacy in a Toronto bathroom with models count?
Because I think this might pertain to me somehow.
====
Definately. I did coke in Montreal nightclub with two strippers before I blacked out last winter. I wish I could say good times...anyways, enough with my self-loathing/posting on my own page, I have to get up at six tomorrow for Jay Peak and I'm exhausted.
Thanks for playing??
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does taking ecstacy in a Toronto bathroom with models count?
Because I think this might pertain to me somehow.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I understand it, but this is written in such a way which takes me out of it, and you didn't really say anything of interest to make the meaning particularly matter
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I was only playing :0...I wasn't really 'writing' per say (that sounds rather absurd), rather just transcribing my last few months. No fiction here folks, just madness at its purest level.
FAITH THROUGH PAINT. SPREAD THE WORD!!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I understand it, but this is written in such a way which takes me out of it, and you didn't really say anything of interest to make the meaning particularly matter.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:30:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, you totally lost me
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That was the title when I downloaded it from Google images. It's so random I thought there is NO WAY I was going to change it. (I'm lost myself).
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:30:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like my life.
up and down, up and down
the next life-ruining fuckup is going to come soon, i can feel it. you never know when it's going to happen, but that's what makes it fun. ;)
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:29:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
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Oh, hey its the guy with the red nose and oversized sweatshirt! Don't worry, I doubt you ever shot dope in NYC bathrooms with models (neither have I)...so this probably doesn't pertain to you.
Or me, or anyone else.
-2Die.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, you totally lost me
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:24:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this
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Check out the .jpg title. It's SO YOU!!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2008-02-04 23:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Self-indulgent Bullshit. Crawl into a dumpster, hippie.