Shlongy's Twin Brother (678 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Writer Formerly Known As Yozz (View user info) at 2008-02-06 16:12:37 EST
Flying nowadays sucks. It's never been a fucking treat, but the procedures and restrictions they now have in place make it a little slice of hell. That is why I am shocked to report that the two and one-half hours that I spent in Charlotte Douglas International Airport yesterday afternoon was actually enjoyable. I know this will be a bit bloggish, so I will keep it short. Besides, I know the average Uberer's attention span is slightly shorter than that of a ferret on a triple espresso.
1. The Rocking Chairs. There is a long line of white rocking chairs (I'd estimate between 40 and 50) in the main Concourse that runs along a moving sidewalk. It's a nice touch.
2. The Piano. As I am sipping my Guinness at a bar table directly opposite the rocking chairs, a nicely dressed 30-something black man walks right in front on my table, stops, turns around and walks to the piano that is just to my left. I then realize that a fairly shabby dressed 20-30 year old black woman was tinkering around with the keys on the piano. Looking frustrated, the man tells the woman that they "don't have time for this." She ignores him, sits down and begins to play a contemporary / easy listening / jazzy song that went up and down the keyboard. Just like that - sat down and played - in the middle of a fucking airport terminal. From the man's frustration and the fact that she seemed oblivious to what was going on around her, I figured she was some sort of idiot savant. She was a pretty decent piano player and EVERYONE (especially the people in the rocking chairs) was listening. After her song (and the small smattering of applause that followed), I told her how much I appreciated her doing that and thanked her for making my day. She responded in a very bright and gentle manner. She was obviously very intelligent and not some sort of retard.
3. Boston Pat. The lady's impromptu piano performance made me decide to have another beer. After a long pause trying to decide what to have, I ordered a Sam Adams Boston Lager. I was standing behind a chair at the bar. The "person" seated just to the left of said chair, turned from his/her hunched-over position over the bar and remarked "That's a good beer" in the most high-pitched Boston / Leprechaun accent you have ever heard. I let a short, imperceptible shriek escape my lips when I gazed upon his/her visage. A square body, a tiny head, curly hair and an impish face. I honestly had no idea whether "it" was male or female and I quickly gave it an "O RLY" before walking back to my table.
4. Teh Hotness. Sweet Jesus there were some fantastically hot women in that airport. The ratio of woman that were just drop-fucking-dead-gorgeous-dripping-with-a-need-for-sex-right-now (most will huge racks) was, by far, the highest I have ever seen in one place. I suddenly realized what the Beach Boys were singing about.
5. Shlongy's twin brother. With about 10 minutes until boarding, I was wandering around Concourse B looking for a sammich that I could bring on-board. With nothing that looked half-way edible, I decided instead to have one last beer. While waiting for the bartender to notice my arrival, the guy seated next to me to ask if I had heard any of the "Super Tuesday" results. As I found EVERYONE in Charlotte to be EXTREMELY polite and friendly, I turned to politely answer and I FROZE - it was SHLONGY!!! After I unclenched my teeth, I told him that I hadn't heard anything as of yet and then quickly introduced myself - in order to get his name. He calmly shook my hand and introduced himself as "Richard." I must say, I was somewhat disappointed, but I should have known that it wasn't Shlongy - that fag was drinking red wine. Shlongy would have had a scotch in one hand and a sweet-ass southern broad sitting on the other one.
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-02-08 07:39:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gotta lovge those boston largers.
i recently discovered the airlines flight clubs. delta golden crown, and the like. "members only" they say. they don't advertise the fact that for $25 you can get a 1 day membership, and with that comes all you can drink fully stocked open bar, and all you can eat appetizers.
needless to say, between that and a $50 first class upgrade, i got absolutely blacked out on the flight back from phoenix.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-02-08 01:54:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-02-07 05:43:10 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am JonnyX and I approve of Shlongy name-dropping
Submitted by Shadecaster (user info) at 2008-02-07 20:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha this was good.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-02-07 20:03:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
da picterere
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-02-07 15:07:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Front page.
Submitted by GrinMan (user info) at 2008-02-07 14:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-07 12:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me, too.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-02-07 08:43:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am Hookhand and I approve of Shlongy name-dropping
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-02-07 05:44:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2008-02-07 00:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy has a big nose. I just figured that out. :(
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-06 20:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No. A real twin would mean more than one Shlongy. The universe couldn't stand that. Not for a millisecond.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-06 20:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Trying to hit on the 12-year old girls "in attendance" sure didn't help my case, either...
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-02-06 19:11:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-06 16:51:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...there's never anyone playing the piano and the last time I tried pounding out some "Jerry Lee Lewis"-type chops on that piano, I was escorted out of the airport by a bunch of dorks in blue uniforms.
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They probably didn't like the part where you set the piano on fire and started playing it with your feet, but it just isn't a Jerry Lee song without it.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-06 17:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliantly funny in a nonchalant way.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-02-06 17:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Guinness. Irish I were drunk.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-06 16:51:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know that concourse very well.
The rocking chairs piss me off...there's never anyone playing the piano and the last time I tried pounding out some "Jerry Lee Lewis"-type chops on that piano, I was escorted out of the airport by a bunch of dorks in blue uniforms.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-06 16:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-02-06 16:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-02-06 16:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
shlongy was servicing the glory hole genius
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-06 16:33:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Unless she's ass-ugly, a woman speaking with a southern twang makes my seminal vesicles oscillate like the strings of a lyre strummed by Terpsichore.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-06 16:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A square body, a tiny head, curly hair and an impish face. I honestly had no idea whether "it" was male or female and I quickly gave it an "O RLY" before walking back to my table.
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hahahahhaha