SPT.Don't Call Me Alvin (444 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.63 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BillyGoat (View user info) at 2008-02-07 06:57:49 EST
Ok, let me come clean, I love nuts. I love the damn things. In fact I can't get enough of them; I can forage for them, day and night and never get tired coz the prize will always outweigh the workload. Walnuts, brazil nuts, cashews, peanuts, whatever I love 'em all. It's the taste man, you can't beat it, its, so....umm, well nutty. There is no grandiose way of putting it. It is what it is, pure and simple.
Right now I'm chomping on a couple that I hid away for the winter and let me tell you brother, I'm in heaven. And the joy doesn't finish with swallowing, oh no, coz I always leave more than a morsel between my teeth, for future enjoyment when I need another hit.
If only, you could see my happy face, swaying from side to side, kinda like Stevie Wonder on that record that I can't quite remember. Then you'd understand where I'm at right now.
But dude, wtf, are you nuts! (ha ha- see what I did, I crack myself up- not again dammit!)
Well no, but I thought I'd share the things that make me happy in life.
Like the wimminz. Come down my hood one time and I'll introduce you to the best harem in the business. There is Brittany- the drama queen, Jeanette- the geek and of course Eleanor- the fat one, just to name a few. Mind you, some can get a bit aggressive, but they'll soon come round after they get to know you. Ok, I kid, stay well clear of the aggressive ones.
But then who cares if the rest are so easy, you simply move on- right. Can't let a bitch bring you down, now, can you?
Right now, I can leave whatever I'm doing and get laid. Just like that, without any effort or prior planning and I bet you are jealous, I know you are, I can see you going green already. I can only say sorry coz its one of the perks of being me.
Then there is my yard. Its ma-hhhhhhu-sive. Biggest yard down south. I was born and raised here and I aint never seen anything so beautiful. You'd have to come in the summer to fully appreciate this place. You, my son, would be amazed by the sheer beauty, illustrated perfectly in the array of colours; from vast swathes of green, to the earthy browns of the oaks, warm reds of the cedars and tranquil blues of the sky, made the more spectacular by the dazzling sun. You can't beat it. I'd defy anyone not to be elated just waking up to this everyday.
And the air is so pure and refreshing. Each gasp- a cool concoction of forest flavours instilling you with Joie de vivre, driving you to sing out loud while you bathe in one of the countless streams that run through the forest. None of that, grungy lifeless chemical shit. These are the real deal, pure unadulterated spring water that oozes from the earth, after purification by the only filter that counts; Mother Nature herself. The trickling sound combined with the sound of the forest, like a gentle lullaby that softens even the most hardened of souls.
I'd rather be no where else. To me this is what life is about; eating loads of nuts, shagging loads of wimminz, having a massive yard and having a bloody good time.
That's my life in a nutshell. Anything more would be too overpowering.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-09 09:43:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-02-08 20:40:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-02-07 15:10:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-02-07 15:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Front page.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-07 13:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-07 10:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-02-07 10:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is gud. Auld Lang Syne.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-07 10:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great in its simplicity, I don't care if it's truth or fiction.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-02-07 09:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's my life in a nutshell. Anything more would be too overpowering.
I only read this piece, which made me laugh.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-07 08:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the sound of squirrel chatter can be roughly simulated by the rubbing of two nickels together.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-02-07 08:11:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You didn't tell the part wherein you're on the bird feeder trying to steal those delicious sunflower seeds when a small hollowpointed piece of lead screams straight into your left eye, and then, because I didn't like the look of the skin at that patch of missing fur on your left foreleg, you get tossed onto the ground next to the woods in your yard where you got ripped apart and eaten by vultures before your exploded skull had even cooled to air temperature. How I hate you, with your long tails and your twitchy noses!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-07 07:05:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A female squirrel will choose the strongest male during mating season, but is unlikely to breed with that male again. This is natures way of reducing inbreeding, and to preserve the species.