Valentines Dinner (1146 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.23 on 76 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2008-02-12 12:30:12 EST
Each day his shoulders drooped closer to the ground. Each night his body curled up, into itself. The mattress was starting to sag from the weight that was quickly amassing along his waistline.
Not two months earlier he had gone to see his doctor, and longtime friend. He complained about a chronic backache, starting in the middle of his back and blossoming along his shoulders. After a myriad of visits to various specialists and chiropractors who seemed to hold no wisdom nor have any answers, Jared started to worry.
With the back pain came rapid weight gain. Jared was always hurting and always hungry.
One day, while looking in the mirror, Jared noticed his bulging belly. He focused on that for just a minute before he realized how his back was beginning to curve, giving him an almost humpback appearance.
His friend, the doctor, researched every journal, spoke with all of his colleagues, and dove deep into the darkest sections of his own head, yet he could find no answer.
Jareds skin started to thicken and wrinkle and brown spots freckled his face. His wife started jumping at his touch, his children kept their eyes down, always focused on the ground.
"Would you like to go to the park?" he asked his oldest son. He got a mumbled reply, something about homework and laundry. "Don't worry about that now, lets go toss a ball around", Jared playfully cuffed his son under the chin. An involuntary groan escaped the boys lips, and he turned to go upstairs without another word.
Each valentines day he and his wife had always sent the children off so they could enjoy a quiet dinner and romance. With this in mind, Jared approached his wife with a loving hug and asked what she'd like for dinner on their special day.
"Oh! I forgot," she said with a casual air, "I'm having dinner with my mother and the children on Thursday". She averted her eyes and busied herself with the dishes. Jared coughed, and an unappetizing bile filled his mouth. He swallowed it back down.
"On valentines day?" He asked, leaning in, hoping to connect with her. She gently set down the soapy plate she was washing, turned to him and wiped a tear from her eye. Nothing more needed to be said.
With this, Jared reached the point where he could no longer stand to horrify his family and friends with his outward appearance. He had grown fat and wretched. He smelled of bile, dirt and various horrible things. Gravity had worked to curve his back so much that he faced the ground as he walked. His stomach so big that it fell down over his manhood.
Yet, mixed feelings gripped him. However much he could sympathize with his family for shunning him, he could not accept the fact that they did so, solely based on his outward appearance. Had they forgot their funny dad who would run circles around the house with them? Had they forgot the charming father who danced in the living room?
That valentines day Jared snuck into his mother-in-laws house, with a note snug in his back pocket. Jared made a casserole, beans and apple pie. He baked some rolls. He poured some wine. He draped grapes across any of the open space on the table. He set a cluster of apples and oranges near the center, in a lovely silver dish.
On each plate he set one heart-shaped dark chocolate.
Jared pulled the note out of his pocket, and read it again.
My body has wrinkled and rot
But my soul was not
Granted, it was a rather simple and stupid note, but Jared wasn't that bright, so further poetry escaped him.
He popped a few of the dark chocolates into his mouth, savoring his last food. Then he leaned over, which was not hard for him to do in this crooked body, and stuck his head into the oven.
His wife found the note, "How trite" she muttered as she tossed it away.
Over the years his sons were wrought with the same affliction. It was then, through their suffering, that they found out the one thing that seemed to eliminate all of the symptoms.
The way they figured it out was somewhat ironic. Their mother, wrinkled and sloping with age, decided in a somewhat morbid fashion, to recreate the dinner that her husband had made them. The main course was pig, which she thought the obvious choice.
She set the table in a similar fashion, with fruits scatered about, chocolates on the plates and glasses filled with wine.
Everyone came to dinner that night, not knowing if they should be disgusted or elated. All of these crackley skined, curled bodies sat down and ate their chocolates. Then they ate the dinner.
Too many glasses of wine had put them in an indulgent mood. They sat around the table, drinking wine and gorging their wrecked bodies on dark chocolates.
As the weeks went by, both sons started to straighten up, their skin started to soften and their weight started to drop. They sat through test after test, yet no one could figure out what had caused the change.
Then, suddenly, they started to worsen. In the clutches of despair and depression, the two sons sat on the back porch and ate the left over chocolates as they complained about life.
Of course, they started to get better again, and we all know what saved them.
Dark Chocolate.
But mother was left, shrunken and crackled, to face her life, which had become quite trite.
User Reviews
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-13 08:54:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*obligatory Jared/fat/subway pun*
+2 because it's you Corny, I think I missed something in the post content.
but I have a cold, so maybe it's just me.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-13 08:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why the hell are my posts always heated? What a travesty!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-02-13 07:51:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
my vday dinner is going to consist of take-out sushi, a bottle of scotch, and the after-dinner entertainment of a 2 hour jerkoff session at www.mia-movies.com
Submitted by greenfairy84 (user info) at 2008-02-13 06:41:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's all been said before, so just have a +1!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-13 05:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice, shame about the ending. Worth reading.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-02-12 23:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
hahahah scourge was like an internet super hero battling the 'three nerdsketeers' single handedly against the combined blubber and IQ (132, combined) of the l33t kr3w below.
well played old egg, well played.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-02-12 20:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm...
I actually kinda liked the weird ending, but you would have had to alter the opening a bit somewhat. That last section had a kind of "fairy tale" feel to it in both substance and the way you wrote it. I think had you attempted to do the same with the rest, the whole thing would have flowed as a solid piece better. As it stands now, it's almost like there's two different concepts here... but I like both, so +2.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-12 20:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Post a pic of your tits and just get ON with it.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-12 19:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-12 19:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good, a nice story, +1-worthy, but I'm feeling generous. Have a +2!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-12 19:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
to assume you 'bother' me is funny.
you're right, i call you simon because in emails you whine about it bothering you. begging emails. you'll note that i have never sent you an email begging you not to say anything 'mean' or that bothers me, because at the end of the day, you impact me only in how much i can laugh at you.
anyway, come around and play court jester again tomorrow if you'd like, parasite.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-12 18:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think this piece ended when he stuck his head in the oven.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-12 18:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Simon was later known as Peter." On here, we call him Prick.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-12 17:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Scourge, I don't allow the wharehouse stock boy to use the computer but it was a good guess.
Anyway. You can always tell when you get bothered because you revert to using my first name. I no longer let that bother me, tubby.
Submitted by DanteCrane (user info) at 2008-02-12 16:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Readable. Just.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-02-12 16:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile. Good story. Weak ending, but you knew that already.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:32:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha, yeah grab at a typo, Mr. Malaprop...that'll help you save face you illiterate monkey.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no simon...at work i also do work. just because you are a warehouse stock boy doesn't mean other people don't actually have real jobs.
now, i know this doesn't have any meaning to someone who spends entire WEEKS on uber without logging out, but i actually do other things in between laughing at you and insulting you (with proper word usage too!).
that was a very nice shot of your chins and your 15 year old wigger clothes, though. again, amazed that you are even able to use the computer at all. hats off to you.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not sure I'd consider Fred Durst, Vanilla Ice, or that guy from House of Pain to be real celebrities...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a different celebrity every week. I've got a funtion (scourge) to go to.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OH MAN, I should have made this post where the guys body gets so malformed that it forms the shape of a heart!!!!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING!?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, we saw those "finely sculpted" arms the first time. Did lifting all those sausage hoagies and jamming them into your chipmunk cheeks cause that? Impressive.
By the way, you really should have picked someone other than Fred Durst to model yourself after.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*with
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Scourge, it took you 10 minutes to come up that? I imagine you wheezing heavily over the keyboard as you pound roll-of-quarter sized digits into the buttons, hit backspace dozens of times, until you grin at yourself and think "this is it, this is the review." How close am I?
http://stuff.ubersite.com/120283013047261039/1/MeatBoneBitchSnacks.JPG
I have more muscle in one of those finely sculpted arms than you do in your entire bodies.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:21:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks, multi-chins. you know, dipshit, i admire you a little...
the tenacious nature of simpler lifeforms always amazes me. the will to life that exists in nature is a fascinating thing, and seeing an obvious mental deficient such as yourself struggle so hard in a world where most humans think a funtioning cerebral cortex is a necessity is, quite simply, an awe inspiring thing.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:19:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love how the three month pregnant chin strap makes fat jokes.
At least I acknowledge that I'm huge and don't deny it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Scourge, sometimes it's better to bow down(not too far, I'd hate to see you teeter, then topple over your popcorn ankles) and leave it to the professionals. Thanks for knowing your place. I do like the joke about sneaking on to the internet though. That was decent.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so, the resident retard and the guy who has to sneak onto the internet so his wife doesn't get mad at him are firing up their awesome supply of original and hilarious jokes, eh?
i better get out of the way and let jaypeg's (somehow LESS intelligent and more bereft of humour) twin brother and the skinny guy who lost 55 pounds to get down to 200...and at a staggering 5' 8" no less! that bmi must be at like 16 now, huh?...slug it out with fat and stupid jokes. i just can't keep up.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait, that came out wrong.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm leaving now....probably looking at a good 3-4 hours to get home
fuck you all and good night
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My old place had a FAAAAABULOUS closet. It was seriously like 6'x8'.
I can't imagine why I ever came out of it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
On a completely different note... Muddy, you guys getting hammered with the same system over there? We're looking at ~1/2" ice on top of 4" snow.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:03:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well it's certainly a different topic than the conversation I had with scourge earlier today.
about a closet
and him finally coming out of it
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
your shtick is tired, tubby, that's why i've been ignoring you on uber.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Me too. Watching two hefties call each other fat is amusing. Why don't you guys have a "Biggest Loser" competition and you can pretend to be Rad and Jaypeg?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-12 15:01:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I <3 when Scourge and Muddy fight!!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Looks like someone forgot to rate....
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"mama me big boy...me smaht"
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you pegged me, muddy. i was messing around here with nuggsie, just to clarify. i forgot ratings took 'balls' or suggested a demeanor or made implications about one's character.
for the feeble minded amongst us...*ahem*...i shall always try to keep that forefront of my mind so they don't have to strap on that knight in shining armour suit which doesn't fit them all that well.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was gonna +1 this post, but I thought it was Ubertines, so I +2ed. All entries get a +2 from me.
Funny, if someone is having a run of +2s and I disagree, I won't spoil it.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i just think he's cute as a button, I imagine he's wearing a tshirt today that says "Momma's Big Boy" and its like 12 sizes too small and his fat little sausage arms are sticking out and the bottom of the shirt is riding up over his hideously hairy belly button.
cute little bugger
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wanted to -2 it too :( But then I got distracted by something shiny.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lol
You know, I wanted to -2 ashlees stupid camwhore post, but then I chickened out, because nobody else was doing it.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
tee hee...look how cute scourge is when someone else has balls first.
you little tough guy you.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm with apollo.
you should be flogged for this.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:48:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No it's not ubertines.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:48:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm sorry dude, but this (apart from a little bit of the middle) is very, very bad.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Was this for ubertines?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good madam, I liked it. Think you should give yourself more credit.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:41:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ending sucks, which you know, otherwise it's great.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:34:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chocolate does what no menstration-related pills can; makes my wife less bitchy.
=======
*makes not to self - 'get chocolate on the way home'
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:34:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chocolate does what no menstration-related pills can; makes my wife less bitchy.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no original thoughts on this matter so take your +2 and be happy, sub-3200 user.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
BTW, I actually had the thought of you thrust into my head over the weekend. I went to this place called The Pool Room in Dawsonville, it's a bar/restaurant/pool hall. And guess what they had on the menu for appetizers? That's right! Corn Nuggets! They weren't that bad either. But I think you might taste better.
***
lol, and just the other day another person from uber told me that he had a dream about me. You guys are nuts!
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MY name's Jared, and as somebody who has an intense fear of gaining weight, this was a morbid thing for me to read.
Liked it just the same.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
read it all and liked it
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:40:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ending blah blah blah
Otherwise, well written. I liked the bit about the pain 'blossoming' across his shoulders. That was a good one. And I thought his wee poem was good.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-02-12 12:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you already know your weak spot.
Submitted by spacemonkey (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I seriously wish you had ended it without the whole dark chocolate medication. In other words, the forced stuff sucks.
good other than that
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Despite the bad ending, still the best thing on the front page so far today...maybe even this week.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
DARK CHOCOLATE IS FOR LOSERS WITH FATTY, DARK BROWN SPLOTCHED, BILE SMELLING POT BELLIES AND CROOKED SPINES!
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
BTW, I actually had the thought of you thrust into my head over the weekend. I went to this place called The Pool Room in Dawsonville, it's a bar/restaurant/pool hall. And guess what they had on the menu for appetizers? That's right! Corn Nuggets! They weren't that bad either. But I think you might taste better.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good story. but like you said, the end needs work.
Maybe they could be incubating alien hybrid babies who happen to be allergic to chocolate? IDK, just throwing it out there.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-02-12 13:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-12 12:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-12 12:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I seriously debated whether to give this a 1 or a 2, so I decided on 1.5, but since I'm not the uniter I rounded up.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-02-12 12:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you already know your weak spot.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-12 12:57:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Bubba. I had no idea.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-12 12:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
Not being a dick, just pointing out a fact:
"After a myriad of visits to various specialists...."
Articles and prepositions are not used with 'myriad'.
It would be: "After myriad visits to various specialists...."
:)
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-12 12:51:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, I wrote the first part all easily, but the ending killed me. I kept changing it changing it. Then I just gave up and decided to post it. I need to write more fiction, anyway.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-12 12:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
like you said...the ending
i liked the first part a lot although I saw this more first person in my head
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-12 12:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My endings are the worst things, ever.