Such Secrets (580 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.23 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2008-02-12 21:12:33 EST
Written for a contest on another site with the prompt "In The Wind" and a 500 word limit.
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The winter wind roared outside Jacobson's car like a mad television's white noise. Even at his reduced speed, visibility was virtually nonexistent and the duty of the wiper blades were pitifully inadequate at best. That was the thing about Ohio, if you didn't like the weather... wait a few minutes. Jacobson was hoping those few minutes would soon be up.
He thought back to the afternoon with Virginia, his ex-wife. They had discussed restructuring Jacobson's visitation right's with his daughter, Alicia. What had started out as a civil meeting had quickly escalated into the tired out routine of veiled threats and backhanded innuendoes. He had left with little accomplished, his return drive from his ex-wife's retreat to the boondocks made even less pleasant by the sudden blizzard.
Still aggravated, he took his eyes off the road just long enough to try and crank up the heater a bit farther. Long enough to miss the massive form that appeared before his lights. Long enough, so that when Jacobson looked up, he was almost upon it.
Swerving, he spun the car as he slammed onto the brakes, his car sliding hard into a snow filled ditch on the side of the county state route. Jacobson sat absolutely still for a moment. Then, once he realized he was fine, the anger erupted inside him. It was the same anger that had cost him his marriage, but he would never acknowledge that. All Jacobson knew at this moment was that some fool had wandered out in a snow storm, into the road and caused him to have an accident. Jacobson flung open his door and climbed out, unconcerned about the possibilities.
He had not got a good look at the person who had caused him to wreck, not really seen the individual standing in the blizzard with arms outstretched. Jacobson did now. He did now, and the anger that had fueled his movements chilled as surely as the air that surrounded him.
"Ah, such rage," Jacobson heard it speak. "Such rage makes me feel alive."
Jacobson stood there in the biting wind, the snow still obscuring the most of his view. For that he was grateful. For that, he thanked God.
"God? Oh, I could tell you tales of the heavens above and the depths below."
Stammering something incoherent, Jacobson began to take a step back. This was not a man. It was too large, too dark, too... something else. Some word that the English language didn't have, that no human had been tainted enough to think up. With a single step back, that before him took two forward.
Jacobson felt his bowels release.
"Let me tell you about that which you will understand. About atrocities, desecrations and other wonders. Let me whisper secrets to you about the what lies in the cold wind."
Before Jacobson could move, before he could think...
... and such secrets they were.
483 words
User Reviews
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-16 14:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I aim to please and am pleased to aim sir.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-16 14:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
much better.
you'll be in the big leagues soon with that kind of can-do attitude.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-16 13:51:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-16 12:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no pal, i said *kaos* was fed up with uber for being that way.
you need to slow down and read a little more carefully.
i LOVE online circle jerks and find that the general dickery around here can be quite amusing, though some take it too far entirely.
listen, you got far too civil for me down there. i think you don't understand this fighting thing very well. i'm sorry, but we can't hire you at this point and i'm going to have to find someone else to bicker with.
good luck with your future endeavours.
i figure i can give this a little bump ratings wise as it is a far sight better than say, a pic of shlongy or a two line diatribe against dr. pepper.
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My bad. I thought when you said 'this cat' you were referring to yourself. I have trouble with the lingo of todays youth sometimes.
Sorry about being civil as well. Maybe I could give it another try?
<rant>
Fuck you, you fucking ass clown!!! You think because just because you have something to say we actually give a flying shit one way or the other? You probably didn't even write that critique yourself!!! I bet you had your mom proof-read it while you railed her in the ass. Good thing that she gives you the discount too, because with her level of education you couldn't afford the time it would take for her to sound out the fucking title!! You're worthless little shit-stain on the ass herpes of the world. I hope you choke to death on your dad/brothers cock. Fucker.
</rant>
How was that? Did I use enough exclamations? How bout my use of the word fuck? Was in there enough? Did I go to easy on the mom jokes? Should I have called her fat as well? I was considering calling you an 'ass hat' instead of an 'ass clown', but clown just seemed to flow so much better. So do I need more swearing/hate/mom jokes? Lemme know man, I need some honest feedback here.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-16 12:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no pal, i said *kaos* was fed up with uber for being that way.
you need to slow down and read a little more carefully.
i LOVE online circle jerks and find that the general dickery around here can be quite amusing, though some take it too far entirely.
listen, you got far too civil for me down there. i think you don't understand this fighting thing very well. i'm sorry, but we can't hire you at this point and i'm going to have to find someone else to bicker with.
good luck with your future endeavours.
i figure i can give this a little bump ratings wise as it is a far sight better than say, a pic of shlongy or a two line diatribe against dr. pepper.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-16 11:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:29:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
man, i hope that guy comes back and reads that.
i think i got here too late to really get a good fight going though.
:(
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Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:21:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hellrazer, lick my taint.
i don't suck dick on this site. this piece was weaker than what he is capable of and if the man himself doesn't admit that, he's lying to himself and all of you.
beyond that, this cat got fed up with uber for alternating between a circle jerk fest and a place to slam on people unnecessarily and mercilessly (the badassmofo special, if you will). what he got from me was a critical read with ideas on how i felt it could have been better. this is what he has wailed and gnashed his teeth about not receiving here on uber, leading all the way to a fucking blubbering whine fest followed by a temporary hiatus.
so...i gave him what he has long claimed he wanted from uber, along with a very generous 'worth reading' rating.
you gave him a blowjob and a mini knight in shining armour routine. congratulations on being a fucking fanboy dicksucker, bitch.
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Yessir, you did get here too late to start a fight. But I'm back now and we can continue.
First of all, congrats on not sucking dick on this site. Alot of ppl have trouble with that on the internet in general. Secondly, I didn't even read all of what you wrote. I only saw that you took more space to critique this than it took to write it. I got about 2 sentences into it, and thought to myself "Great, another fucking online english professor that knows how to make everyones writing better." If he's been whining about not getting honest feedback and you finally gave it to him, good for you. You get todays' good Uberite award:
*presents scourge with a polished turd wrapped in a pretty pink bow*
(I picked the bow out to match your high heels.)
Personally, I just thought you were a dick with way too much time on his hands, and some sort of weird fetish for diagramming sentences.
In conclusion, you claim that you are "fed up with uber for alternating between a circle jerk fest and a place to slam on people unnecessarily and mercilessly (the badassmofo special, if you will)." I can see how beginning a review with "lick my taint" really helps to bring an end to the 'BAMF specialness' that abounds on the internet.
U R a w1nnAr skerj!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-02-16 10:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
While I disagree with a few of the points you made, I agree with most of them Scourge. This is EXACTLY the kind of critique I LOVE.
Thank you for actually taking the time to dissect the piece. 500 word flash is a bitch, but you did point out ways that I could have improved this.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-14 15:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-14 10:01:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thank you berty.
i'm looking at running for president of earth in the 2012 elections. you can be my running mate if you'd like.
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Sorry I'll have to pass, it all sounds a bit gay to me.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-14 10:01:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thank you berty.
i'm looking at running for president of earth in the 2012 elections. you can be my running mate if you'd like.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-14 09:45:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Scourge is a hero. He should be president.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:29:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
man, i hope that guy comes back and reads that.
i think i got here too late to really get a good fight going though.
:(
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:21:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hellrazer, lick my taint.
i don't suck dick on this site. this piece was weaker than what he is capable of and if the man himself doesn't admit that, he's lying to himself and all of you.
beyond that, this cat got fed up with uber for alternating between a circle jerk fest and a place to slam on people unnecessarily and mercilessly (the badassmofo special, if you will). what he got from me was a critical read with ideas on how i felt it could have been better. this is what he has wailed and gnashed his teeth about not receiving here on uber, leading all the way to a fucking blubbering whine fest followed by a temporary hiatus.
so...i gave him what he has long claimed he wanted from uber, along with a very generous 'worth reading' rating.
you gave him a blowjob and a mini knight in shining armour routine. congratulations on being a fucking fanboy dicksucker, bitch.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am sorry, but below, are you serious? Due to the Vaentines competition, the front page hasn't looked this good in weeks.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-02-13 17:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You ever going to pick up "New Hell" again? That series was sweet!
I agree with most of the critisms below. The +2 is meant to reflect how much better this is than most of what's currently on the front page.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:22:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scourge, STFU.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-13 11:56:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 11:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you can do much better than this piece would indicate:
"...visibility was virtually nonexistent and the duty of the wiper blades were pitifully inadequate at best."
the 'duty' of the wiper blades? that is awkward at best, and a simonism at worst. and with a word like 'duty' nobody should be pulling any simonisms, simon included.
"That was the thing about Ohio, if you didn't like the weather... wait a few minutes. Jacobson was hoping those few minutes would soon be up."
this just seemed entirely unnecessary. nothing really wrong with it, except that it is a tired old saying that is used about EVERY FUCKING LOCATION ON EARTH. if you wanted to include some musing on the weather on the part of your character, couldn't it have been something original? perhaps a comparison of the blizzard to the shitstorm of his divorce, the flurry of paper he has to deal with now? laziness, man.
"He thought back to the afternoon with Virginia, his ex-wife. They had discussed restructuring Jacobson's visitation right's with his daughter, Alicia. What had started out as a civil meeting had quickly escalated into the tired out routine of veiled threats and backhanded innuendoes. He had left with little accomplished, his return drive from his ex-wife's retreat to the boondocks made even less pleasant by the sudden blizzard."
I don't think you needed to include ',his ex-wife' in that first line or the words 'his daughter' before the name Alicia in the second. both can be understood just writing it like this:
'He thought back to the afternoon with Virginia. They had discussed restructuring Jacobson's visitation right's with Alicia...'
and it reads a lot easier and cleaner.
for those too dim to glean that information, you DO reference, further on in the paragraph, that this is his ex-wife he was dealing with. it would logically follow that the visitation rights you reference would be centered around a child, clearing the way for you to use either 'his daughter' or 'Alicia' and making the use of both uneccessary
last thing on this bit: 'right's' in the second line has an uneccessary apostrophe. :)
"Swerving, he spun the car as he slammed onto the brakes, his car sliding hard into a snow filled ditch on the side of the county state route."
again with the superfluous and words and multiple usages of a word in close proximity to one another.
here's how i could possibly have penned it: 'Swerving, he spun the steering wheel as he slammed onto the brakes, his car sliding hard into the snow filled ditch at the side of road.'
i'm assuming you called it a 'county state route' to help with setting, but you already referenced the fact that he is in a rural setting earlier in this flash fiction piece. and, really, how much setting needs to be made in something of less than 500 words?
"Before Jacobson could move, before he could think..."
don't think that line was even necessary. maybe this was to further a sense of his terror, of his impending doom? i think all THAT was firmly established by the lines where you describe the immediate change of demeanour upon encountering the creature, and then further where he releases his bowels. just a stylistic thing on my part maybe, but there it is nonetheless...
there are a few more small issues but i've spent enough time here as it is.
you wanted a site that offered you criticism on your writing, right?
you're welcome then.
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-13 10:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-13 09:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice...very fucking nice.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-02-13 09:46:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-13 09:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans!
I know for a fact that beings from other realms shun cold wintery nights.
Something to do with Thinsulate not being available in the netherworld.
it's good to see you back on Uber.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-13 05:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh my God, someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart.
-- Homer Simpson
Cape Feare
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-13 05:43:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"like a mad television's white noise..."
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NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
*Hurls mug of coffee across office*
You can't use that term unless you're writing an irish person! Do you know NOTHING!?
FOOL!
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-13 04:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
so he bumped into my wife
big deal...
horns on the head?
yeah, then that was my wife
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-13 03:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooh different, to what you normally write. I like it!
I like the style. http://www.ubersite.com/m/112696 this is my attempt at something similar.
Oh and stop whoring your other site! :)
Submitted by DanteCrane (user info) at 2008-02-13 00:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yea
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-02-12 23:59:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You've done better
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-12 22:31:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was pretty good. Who wrote it?
I kid. Sort of.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-02-12 21:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-02-12 21:14:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what was the other site?
_______________
http://www.writing.com
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-12 21:20:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Some word that the English language didn't have"
I really liked that line.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-12 21:17:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the duty of the wiper blades were pitifully inadequate at best.
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Confused me greatly.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-02-12 21:14:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what was the other site?