Fuck Scientology Become a Xenist !!! (686 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 0.72 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Aussie_Ants_Is_Back (View user info) at 2008-02-12 23:27:09 EST
Who is Xenu? Who are we?
You may have heard of Xenu. He was first came to public notice through the works of famous science fiction writer L Ron Hubbard in the middle of the 20th Century.
Put simply, Xenu is the rightful Emperor of a now defunct galactic empire that has been imprisoned on earth for 75 million years.
The 1st High Church Of Xenu is a group dedicated restoring Xenu to his rightful place as Galactic Emperor, and thereby restoring proper order to the galaxy.
We believe that through the guidance of his Thetans, Xenu has provided for us both a pathway and guides to restoring the galaxy and the earth to their former glory.
The Story Of Xenu & The Thetans
It all started approximately 75 million years ago...
The Galactic Empire was collapsing under the weight of its 76 planets, once prosperous now suffering from over-industrialisation, environmental problems and chronic over-population.
Something needed to be done, or the Empire would collapse under its own bloated weight. It was left to Galactic Emperor Xenu, who at the time was caught in a bitter power struggle with the so-called "Loyal Officers" who wanted to depose Xenu to further their own agendas. To alleviate the pressures on the Empire, Xenu had to take the drastic yet necessary step of humanely culling a small percentage of the Empires population to ensure the future sustainability and viability of the Galactic Empire.
Xenu chose "Teegeeack", an outlying planet of the Empire as the best place for the cull. Teegeeack was chosen due to it's relative isolation from the majority of the Empires' planetary hegemonies, both to spare the majority of the Empires' population from having to witness the horrible yet necessary action, and to ensure (as much as possible) that he could achieve his goal with the minimum interference from the traitorous Loyal Officers.
With the Loyal Officers increasing their pressure for him to step down, Xenu managed successfully to gather up the required number and transport them to Teegeeack where, paralysed for their own protection, they were humanely destroyed with a system utilising the interconnecting system of volcanoes on Teegeeack and harnessing the power of split hydrogen atoms ensuring that death was quick and painless.
After the cull, Xenu was left with an unforeseen after effect. The souls of the billion or so people were left wandering mindlessly and aimlessly across the face of Teegeeack - the beginning form of the Thetans. As an act of kindness to the Thetans and also as a final effort to preserve some of the greatness of The Empire, Xenu chose to impart to these souls the combined knowledge of all hegemonies of The Empire, in the hopes that these terrestrial bound spirits would be able to maintain the knowledge and wisdom of the once great, now failing Empire for future generations and civilisations to learn from.
Unfortunately for Xenu, the Loyal Officers tracked him to Teegeeack and, in an act of high treason against the Empire, took Xenu by force and imprisoned him in an inescapable cell deep inside (ironically) one of the very volcanoes that Xenu used for the cull. The loyal officers then completed their traitorous act of treason by declaring that Xenu was a dictator and a despot, and that they, the Loyal Officers would assume leadership of the Empire and lead it out of the "dark age" of Xenu's rule.
Interestingly, the entire Galactic Empire collapsed only a few short millennia after the Loyal Officers' treason due to the very problems Xenu was trying to save it from - over population, environmental destruction and industrialisation, coupled with the inefficiency and infighting within the beaurocracy that was setup by the Loyal Officers after deposing rightful Emperor.
The Rise Of The Earth & The Reign Of The Thetans
The following 75 million years saw the fractured remains of the Galactic Empire crumble even further until all but one of the 76 planets that made up The Empire were dead and lifeless rocks orbiting endlessly around dying stars.
The only planet to survive through this vast history became known to its' inhabitants as The Earth. This planet, known during the years of the Galactic Empire as Teegeeack was unusually blessed in its' growth and development as a life-supporting planet due to the unique situation it was in.
Being the ancient prison of the cruelly deposed rightful Galactic Emperor Xenu and home to the billions of Thetans - the souls of those who lost their lives in a vain attempt to save the dying Empire, who were gifted by Xenu to be the receptacles of all galactic wisdom & knowledge - the Earth was blessed in it's development.
As far back as there have been humans, possibly even before, the Thetans have been subtly guiding and directing human development in accordance with the knowledge and wisdom of the ancient Galactic Empire. Unbeknownst to we humans, every single advance in humankind - from the wheel and beer to the microchip and splitting the atom - has been a direct result of intervention from the Thetans that are still metaphysically inhabiting the Earth.
The Triumphant Return Of Emperor Xenu
Whilst we acknowledge that not all advances brought to us by the Thetans would be considered 'positive' by todays standards - think guns, the internal combustion engine, organized religion or nuclear weaponry - we must remember that we have not yet been gifted with the all-encompassing knowledge that the Thetans have.
We cannot even begin to comprehend the vast array and complexity of knowledge that the Thetans possess. 76 planets worth of collective learning plus 75 million years in which to ponder and philosophise about the meanings and implications of all this mean that the Thetans are operating on a much higher moral, social and ethical level than humankind could even imagine.
One thing that we do know about the Thetans motives is that humankind is being prepared for the impending return of Xenu to reclaim his rightful place as Galactic Emperor. The Thetans are guiding us ever onwards and ever forwards by revealing to us, when they feel we are ready, all the wisdom and knowledge of the ancient Galactic Empire in the hopes that we might one day be able to free Xenu from his cruel incarceration and resurrect the fallen Empire to it's original glory.
So, How can I help Xenu?
The wonderous beauty of the situation humankind finds itself in is this: simply by living your life, continuing to learn new things and embracing new concepts and ideas, you are ALREADY EMBRACING YOUR THETANS! To be a supporter of Xenu, you do not have to change your life, you do not have to give any money, you do not even have to renounce what you already believe.
The true mystery of life is that there really is no mystery at all. The Thetans, blessed with the wisdom gifted to them by Xenu, know exactly what they are doing.
These same Thetans are working everyday, subtly in your life guiding your decisions, giving you direction and working ever towards the great common goal of the freedom and vindication of Xenu, along with the restoration of the Galactic Empire for the benefit of all humankind.
You might call it your conscience, a gut feeling, womens intuition or even a 'psychic ability', but no matter you call it, that funny feeling you get when you know you're on the right track or the realization that suddenly dawns on you - it's all the work of the Thetans, and it's being for our benefit, and for the greater galactic good.
So go ahead...
EMBRACE YOUR THETANS!
User Reviews
Submitted by Aussie_Ants_4.0 (user info) at 2008-02-15 00:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not stolen... Simply spreading the message.
And heck yea Zoltan does have hand gestures...
FUCK XENISM !!! GO ZOLTAN !!!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-02-14 10:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ZOLTAN! *Makes hand gesture*
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-02-14 05:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad, ants. where did you steal it from?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-02-13 13:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALL HAIL KING XENU!
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-13 10:58:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was an amusing spoof of the idiotic Scientologists, have a +1.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-02-13 10:13:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
people actually believe this
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2008-02-13 09:48:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How fucked would it be if this was the "correct" religion? Or ethos or whatever.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2008-02-13 09:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow... People actually believe this stuff...
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-13 07:41:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Enough with the fucking Scientology allready!! This was funny man, which is why it's a -1 instead of a -2. But I don't want to hear shit else about fucking Xenu, his Thetans, or the loyal guard. I've had enough of that shit from vacationing in Clearwater. BTW, did you know that if you tell someone on the street to leave you alone one time and they don't STFU and walk away, it's perfectly legal to kick their ass? 2 scientologists in Clearwater do.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-13 04:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/101380
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-02-13 03:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-02-13 00:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
tl;dr