Ubertines '08: I Can't Love You From Fifty Yards: A Stalker's Folly (1026 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.67 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (View user info) at 2008-02-13 14:10:55 EST
My nerves are playing crazy buggers as you pull into your drive-way. You left the beaten up old Ford and turned to check if you had any mail; as you did I imagined you caught my eye and we connected. You felt nothing but my world was lit up with a powerful force: a terrible cross between infatuation and unrequited love.
I suppose common sense should prevail, but it's not going to happen. Not yet. You see I know so much about you, but you know nothing about me. I know where you work, I know who your friends are and I know where you go out with them. Bravely, I once curled myself into a dark corner of your favourite bar, concealed by a hat I gazed out at you.
I almost introduced myself that night but was immediately knocked back by my own mind telling me that nothing good could come of a stammering fool introducing himself to a stunning goddess.
Perhaps my adoration would count for something though?
No, came the retort, you'd just look like a desperate, cloying idiot; you don't want that again do you? Remember your mother?
Remember how you loved her and lived for her? Remember the succession of men she brought home? The acrid smell of smoke and alcohol on both of them?
Yes. And I remember hiding even then, hiding in the cupboard watching as they got to hold her and love her as I wanted to.
So if you couldn't love your mother from just a few feet away, what chance do you have at fifty yards with this woman?
You're right.
That internal dialogue had propelled me, stumbling and a little drunk into the cold night, tears streaming from my eyes and down onto my thick jacket. Back home I went, only to rise the next morning to watch you leave for work.
Once I'd seen you leave I returned home. Inside my sparse apartment I went through to the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee. I went through to my mothers bedroom and sat in the chair at the corner of the bed. My mother briefly stirred against the restraints I had fashioned and turned to me.
"How was she this morning, son?"
"Beautiful as ever mother, she has a new haircut, I like it very much."
"Are you going back to see her tonight?"
"Of course, but we've got the day to ourselves first, haven't we?"
I grinned as I put down my coffee and slipped my belt from the loops.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-14 22:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
uhhhhhhh
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"My nerves are playing crazy buggers"
You and your countrymen have the most homosexual slang ever.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eww. Eww. Eww... that actually made my skin crawl...
But then, because you managed that - you get a +2.
Although, I thought that most stalkers have had some kind of contact - no matter how brief or minimal - with their subject...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-14 09:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-14 04:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent stuff, could be better
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-14 03:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so well writ.
i am truly impressed.
im watching you
im touching me....
ha!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-14 01:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I read that it's bad to sleep 8 hours a day. This is probably bullshit as I feel tip-top!
*Dies*
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-14 01:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It might even be an age thing. I used to get by with 4 or 5 hours, now I just can't. I need at least 6 or 7 hours, preferably 8, and I still have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I'm prematurely fogeying.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-14 01:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit sucks hey? I mean I used to only sleep about 5 hours a night, but this is getting ridiculous! Pass the Rohypnol?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-14 01:16:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I used to get pretty bad insomnia too. I'm still a fairly light sleeper.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-14 01:12:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do tell?
I can't sleep and it sucks? I think that in the last three days I've slept for about 10 hours. It's fun times, believe you me!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-14 01:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do tell.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-14 01:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Truth, I've not respected the Oscars in years. It's been a long few days is my excuse.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-14 00:59:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wasn't saying the contest sucked, I was saying the oscars deserve none of the respect that you seemed to be according to them.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-14 00:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
To be fair Stagger, this contest has seen, thus far, some of the better writing on Uber in recent weeks.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-14 00:49:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-14 08:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:04:56 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is some okay wordplay here, but there's nothing here nothing uber hasn't seen before. And it's awfully short for a story contest. May have gotten more of a reaction from me if there was more here. It's like submitting just a movie trailer for Oscar consideration.
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I'm sorry, are you using some kind of Oscar analogy for a contest on Uber?
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Why the hell not? The oscars fucking suck.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 23:53:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck me, ain't seen the old Zebra around in a while!
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-13 23:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
A punchline in search of a story.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-02-13 23:23:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written...
BLAAAAAAAAAARFFFF!!!
*retch*
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARF
BLARF.
*wipes mouth*
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:21:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fey would be proud, God rest her soul.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It gave me a boner, that review did!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-13 19:16:38 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
How is it that I lose every competition I'm in.
It's Hurty, they said. It'll be easy, they said. You're essentially getting a free pass, because it's Hurty they said. The only way it'll be easier is if he doesn't write anything at all, they said.
Fuck you people, this was awesome.
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So good, I read it twice. And I loved this review.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good, it was disturbing yet low-key and never lost steam from beginning to end.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:31:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This beats the hell out of kicking a horse in the crotch. . .
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-13 17:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yuck
but well written. here on uber sometimes people go for shock value in their "weirdness"
you managed to make it real by not "over-shocking" with descriptives, and it's infinitly more disturbing.
yuck
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-02-13 17:02:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:45:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahh dude that's just wrong!
but +2 for the creep factor.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that Jack's lackadaisical attitude towards the subject matter would suggest that he spent the early years of puberty pounding his orange-glow meat puppet in his mother's gut locker.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:30:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:25:59 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is uber. You gotta be really fucking weird to be weird here.
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Fair one, but to be honest, I think that fucking your mother is really fucking weird. Could just be me though.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:25:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is uber. You gotta be really fucking weird to be weird here.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BOING
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:19:05 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just trying to point out that it struck me as too brief.
I come from the 'write a shit ton of story' school, of writing.
Give people some bang for their buck.
============
Fair enough. I thought this had plenty of bang, but I can see that it would be too short for some. Personally I prefer keeping it short (and weird).
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:19:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just trying to point out that it struck me as too brief.
I come from the 'write a shit ton of story' school, of writing.
Give people some bang for their buck.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:04:56 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is some okay wordplay here, but there's nothing here nothing uber hasn't seen before. And it's awfully short for a story contest. May have gotten more of a reaction from me if there was more here. It's like submitting just a movie trailer for Oscar consideration.
=========
I'm sorry, are you using some kind of Oscar analogy for a contest on Uber?
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There is some okay wordplay here, but there's nothing here nothing uber hasn't seen before. And it's awfully short for a story contest. May have gotten more of a reaction from me if there was more here. It's like submitting just a movie trailer for Oscar consideration.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 15:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess it is. Anything in particular?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-02-13 15:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
for some unknown reason i just didn't like it, but i guess that's on me
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-13 15:25:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAHHHHHHHRGh
YUCK.
perv.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-13 15:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel all dirty now
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:51:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
scary, creepy, icky, disturbing, and somehow I liked it...who'da thunk.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:44:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-13 19:40:12 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you play "Crazy Buggers"? Is it anything akin to "Hungry Hungry Hippos"?
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Almost certainly.
Truthfully, it's a line from a song ('Leslie' by King Creosote) which I was listening to for inspiration when I started writing this:
Lyrics: http://www.lyricsandsongs.com/song/908236.html
Song: http://youtube.com/watch?v=5LeEuMYTCSE
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:40:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you play "Crazy Buggers"? Is it anything akin to "Hungry Hungry Hippos"?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha I like
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh gross.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd just like to let everyone know that I do not have an Oedipus Complex.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Untie your mother right now, young man!!!
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Steamy!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit that's creepy.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How is it that I lose every competition I'm in.
It's Hurty, they said. It'll be easy, they said. You're essentially getting a free pass, because it's Hurty they said. The only way it'll be easier is if he doesn't write anything at all, they said.
Fuck you people, this was awesome.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:16:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.. oh.
ok.
Um, yeah.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so wet right now.
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I rest my case.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so wet right now.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:15:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was Kick Ass. In a disturbing sort of way.