The Park Ranger Thing (654 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2008-02-13 15:51:11 EST
The water rolls toward and by me, as though through me. I dangle my feet off the dock, not quite touching the water, because it's February and even in Georgia, I know it's too cold to damp my shoes in the lake. Off to my right there's a scattering of lily pads and I wonder if they sprouted naturally or if someone came and put them there. They're not as pretty as the ones on TV or in pictures. The sides are curled up and each one is encased in a yellow pollen shell. I don't think any of them could support a frog's weight.
Noel and Trey are across the lake and they're waving for me to walk back around. I pretend not to see them, two skinny white guys, waving their arms and walking up and down their dock. After the ten minute walk around the lake, through clusters of pine trees and stand-alone wooden swings, I'm not inclined to walk back around to sit by our tent and play Black Jack. Trey cheats and Noel gets mad if I tell him how to play. After a few minutes of ignoring them, they start the trek around the lake. They come and sit beside me to talk about what we're going to do today. I have this feeling that they don't "get it." They don't understand the need to be quiet and watch the way the water laps against the dock and count the times a turtle's head peeks over the water.
"You ready?" I ask, when I see they're not going to be quiet.
I climb up the side of the grass hill instead of using the wooden stairs and we start walking around the lake.
"Do you think I could be a park ranger?" I ask.
"You don't know how to put up a tent," Noel says.
"You'd have to pick up trash and stuff," Trey adds.
"I could learn to put up a tent," I say.
I walk in a zigzag pattern so I can crunch the maximum number of pinecones. I love the brittle breaking sound they make beneath my sneakers.
I have a friend that applied to be a Park Ranger and he said the pay was something like $27,000 a year and rent and utilities were free. It'd be a great thing to do while I was applying to grad schools. I meant to apply to grad school this year, to get my MFA in Creative Writing. I got three letters of recommendation, sent my transcripts off, but I could never put together a portfolio of writing samples. I have this image of what I want the things in my portfolio to be like. I want one serious piece, something bitter and heartfelt where a girl is dying or her father is dying or maybe her parents are already dead. It'll be sentimental without being sappy and you'll grow attached to her by the end and feel sorry that everyone is dying. I want the other piece to be quirky. It will be about this living head in the toilet of an apartment. A lady has just moved in and she has to deal with this head that a plumber won't remove and the cops say she can't remove because otherwise the head will die. The head will sing Johnny Cash songs and try to watch the girl while she showers. Since neither of these stories are complete, I couldn't apply to grad school.
I used monster.com to look up jobs. I'm qualified to be a receptionist or a bank teller or I could do something like proof-read the banner ads on websites. Otherwise, nothing.
I was telling Nikki about how I wanted to be a park ranger, last night. Nikki applied to several grad schools in New York and is still waiting to hear back. She also scored higher than me on the GRE, but I won't say how much higher.
"I could just apply to every state park in every state," I told her. "One of them would have to take me."
She was eating chicken nachos from El Sombrero. They were covered in soupy cheese and shredded chicken that looked like dog food and lots of slimy onions. I can't eat onions anymore. This weekend when we went camping, I grilled a few whole onions. I just wrapped them in aluminum foil and cooked them for an hour and a half on the grill. Afterwards, I poked them with a fork and they dissolved into soupy onion goo. No one else would eat them, so I ended up eating almost an onion and a half by myself. At about 2 AM, I started puking straight onion. Did you know onions float?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than being on your knees in the dirty restroom of a cheap campsite. There was wadded up tissue paper on the floor and dried grass tracked all around the sink. All night I walked back and forth to the bathroom. I forgot to turn the light off several times so there were a few moths and beetles inside. I was worried there'd be a snake, because there was a picture on the wall that said to turn the lights off or there'd be creatures like this: And after the colon, there was a picture of a very happy cartoon snake.
Other than vomiting for six hours, I think camping was a success.
I worry that I got through four years of school and I have no skills to speak of. There's not much I want to do. I want to sit at home and write. I want to read books, technical books, so I feel I have acquired some skills. I'd really like to be outdoors all the time. That's why I think park ranger makes so much sense. I've been telling people that I want to be park ranger. I drop the article. There's no reason to say "a park ranger." I just say "park ranger," like I was saying "I want to be Super Man." I think it's the same thing. I'd like to walk out in the woods and not see anything mechanical or hear cars or people talking.
My brother drives a dump truck. That sounds like an awful job, but I don't think it is. He gets almost $40,000 a year in a small South Georgia town where the cost of living is cheap. I couldn't be a garbage truck driver, but there have to be more jobs like that. Secret jobs that aren't hard and have decent pay. I think park ranger is one of those secret jobs. People don't write papers in fourth grade about how they want to be park rangers. This is my paper about how I want to be a park ranger. And how I don't like onions. Mostly, it's the park ranger thing, but I thought the onion thing was okay too.
User Reviews
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you'd make a swell park ranger
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey zebra, i'm in a "creating voices" class this semester.
maybe it will make me less boring.
if you were the head in my toilet, i would poo on you.
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-14 08:29:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I spend every Saturday working in a park (alternative jail sentence). It is not as fun as it sounds but compared to jail it's a walk in the park! Hahahaha... Happy Valentines Day!
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2008-02-14 07:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite enjoyable, thanks for the short escape.
I'd also like to second the request for a finished version of the head-in-toilet story.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-14 00:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I disagree with Jack and Bubba.
Don't use your voice. It's fucking boring.
Find someone with an interesting voice and steal it.
Try that toilet-head's voice.
Seriously, your writing is often (not always) pretentious shit. You're squandering your natural creativity with a banal and ponderous style.
The following is your problem:
"I want one serious piece, something bitter and heartfelt where a girl is dying or her father is dying or maybe her parents are already dead. It'll be sentimental without being sappy and you'll grow attached to her by the end and feel sorry that everyone is dying. I want the other piece to be quirky."
You go for end results, instead of just starting with an interesting premise and writing the story to its best conclusion.
You sound like you're in love with the IDEA of being a writer, as opposed to the craft itself.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-13 23:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good on you for quitting onions. They makes people smell like garbage. Unless they're fried and on a cheesesteak, then they're so good it doesn't count.
I think being park ranger could be pretty cool at times. I'd like to maximize my campfire enjoyment, without caring that I always smelled like a campfire.
I like the head story. Finish it.
I have a really keen olfactory sense if you can't already tell.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-02-13 22:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree with Yozz wrt the writing style and flow. Further, I'll add that if you were like a real-life version of this guy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Red_Green_Show#Ranger_Gord you would be teh awsm.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Since neither of these stories are complete, I couldn't apply to grad school."
=====================
neither IS complete. :) Not trying to piss you off, just editing. . .
As Jack said below, you definitely have a unique voice. Keep looking for the work thing. An intelligent young woman with ANY degree will do OK.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My little brother used to be a repo man. He pulled in about 60,000/yr. You could be a repo man...as long as you're not bothered by really pissed-off people with guns.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-13 17:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Glad I stopped in.
Good luck with the whole future thing.
Park Rangers smell.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-13 17:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean, Srsly, it reads like it was written by Steven Wright - on a particularly depressing day. If you meant to do that, its very good work.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-13 17:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you mean for this to sound COMPLETELY FUCKING MONOTONE? I suspect the answer is "yes" so I am giving you a +2 for making me want to jump out of my window. If you didn't mean to do it, seek professional help immediately.
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The next time we hook up, you can tell me what this post was all about and if it warranted my +2.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
now i need to go sit by a lake.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Liked it. Keep developing that voice, kid, cause it's yours and yours alone.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I almost forgot, you get a walkie-talkie too. That's pretty sweet.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-13 15:59:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually looked at being a park ranger. It's harder than it looks, and you have to take further schooling in administration of justice or some such nonsense.
In effect you become a law enforecement officer, but mostly you just chase teenagers from parks after dark, and make sure everyone has payed their parking fees, as well as clean up trash.
You do get a gun though.
For secret jobs that pay great and are fairly easy, you're pretty much screwed. Most jobs looks easy when you aren't the one doing it.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-02-13 15:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post makes me want to meet you -- you sound terribly interesting. But it also makes me think I should take a hatchet or a crowbar with me if we meet, just in case I need to put you down.
That probably sounds worrisome. Well, don't worry, I'm too lazy to be a stalker.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-13 15:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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