Ubertines: Care Bears always Care for Getting Drunk & Cutting Loose (1011 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus (View user info) at 2008-02-13 17:38:56 EST
Valentine's Day dawned at Bumfuck New Jersey's only Jiffy Lube/Starbucks, and everything was sad -- even the chairs. Especially the chairs. In fact, and this is actually pertinent to the story, there was one chair in such mortal agony that it was ready to do just about anything to hop off the mortal coil. This bow-legged gentleman's name was Steve, and it was from the edges of Steve's fissured pleather that Big Fat Gay Vampire's buttocks splayed like moons of half-melted mozarella with acne scar craters.
It was Valentine's Day, and while vampires are always obliged to be angsty, they are obliged to be both morose AND angsty on VD, so when he was done weeping his big fat cholesterol tears into his gingerbread latte, he went on to writing bad poetry about death on his wrist in permanent marker. He was in the middle of a particularly vivid stanza regarding Andy Rooney when Earl Scruggs came over with a plate of water crackers.
"Excuse me my fat sir," said Scruggs, self-conciously adjusting his apron, "but would you care to sample a water cracker?"
"Fuck you."
"I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly."
"I'm sorry, my bad. It's just that I spent all last Tuesday with DJ Queerbait, and you know what he did?"
"No."
"Are you ready for this?"
"No."
"He went out there and got AIDS from his underage cousin. He didn't even get it from me."
"The narc."
"So this is not a good VD. And if you don't get away from me, with your unique, twangy banjo style I might bite you all over the neck and ass and make you into my gay vampire love slave."
"Actually... that wouldn't be so bad."
"No?"
"No, you see I'm only working VD because I'm the only one at any Starbucks anywhere who is single."
"No!"
"Actually that may be a lie."
"Kiss me, you fool!"
"Hey guys."
"Who the fuck are you?"
"WTF is with the third degree. I want coffee, fat boy."
"Look, we can't have a third person in this conversation until the author gets off his ass and starts attributing dialogue."
"Fair enough."
So BFGVR took Earl Scruggs and the other guy back to his loft in the barrio and they all got AIDS and other VD's.
THE END??
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-02-14 15:40:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yea man the rest of these narcs are probably mad you didnt attribute quotes.
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Rock on, Boshman. If they want all their quotes attributed, they can go join a book club with the rest of the narcs and kiss Oprah's platinum-enameled clitoris.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
the best part was the title. all else after was not good.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:18:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-14 10:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/DudeThatsBOSH/l/superbosh
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I'm not superbosh.
*WEEP*
:(
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yea man the rest of these narcs are probably mad you didnt attribute quotes.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:03:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-14 10:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/DudeThatsBOSH/l/superbosh
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SAWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-14 10:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/DudeThatsBOSH/l/superbosh
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-14 09:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-13 22:42:24 CST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is fucking stupid.
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-14 09:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-14 09:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hey guys."
is my favorite part
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-14 09:09:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
having a good laugh at this end, which is tough for me to do after a night of drinking.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-14 09:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was magical
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-14 07:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Smells like SHIT!
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-13 23:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is fucking stupid.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-13 19:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not funny, just stupid. Make that your mantra.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-13 19:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-13 19:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:38:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ape artist below.
ape.
not rape.
I laughed at this.
I am actually laughing at everything today.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I Also Care for Getting Drunk & Cutting Loose
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-02-13 18:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 17:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
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