Ubertines something or other: If a band of pottery thieves challenges you to a knife fight, run the other way. You might win, but no one wants to risk losing a knife fight. (538 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.73 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by wardy (View user info) at 2008-02-14 14:33:33 EST
I was hopped up on Tylenol and road salt when I heard a knock on the door. Fuckers had found me, I thought. I was in no mood for a gun battle with outer space robot aliens, so I did what any gunslinger would do in this situation, I threw deep into double coverage.
I peered out the window from behind the curtains and saw it was my mortal enemy. No, not God. He's immortal— which is the very fucking reason why he's proved so difficult to get rid of. You ever tried to outsmart the guy that created history? It's a veritable bugaboo, of sorts, if you must know. But that's none of your business, nor should you want it to be. Veritable bugaboos and things of that nature are rarely the business of others not involved with them. And if that sentence confuses you, imagine writing it after drinking half a bottle of window cleaner.
No, unfortunately it was not God. Instead it was that insidious cunt, Herman. I refuse to address him by that ridiculous surname he got from that hooker in Montana, because if we all went by the names hookers gave us, well then my name would be 'broke ass', 'dead beat', 'son' or something equally not important. Who listens to hookers anyways?
At any rate, despite my better judgment and the thousands of dollars in blow on my kitchen counter, I let the bastard in.
Herman: Hi Wardy.
Me: Herman.
Herman: Uhh... you called earlier and left a message on my machine... I just thought I'd come over and check on you...
Me: Oh a message, eh? I'll fucking bet. On your machine? What kind of machine you got?
Herman: Well, actually it was voicemail... but that's not really the point...
Me: NOT REALLY THE POINT?! Oh it's the very fucking essence of the damn point, Captain Lexibar! That's like saying 'I drove to Dallas in a mini van' when in reality you drove in a blimp named Bessie! You can't see the difference?!?
Herman: Right... well you said you were going to blow a hole in the universe, jump through it and fight God with a wooden spoon painted the color of love. You said I should bring a basin of Crisco and jelly jam and wear a purple hat...
Me: Well?
Herman: Well what?
Me: He says 'well what'... fuck the parade, what the fuck do you mean what? I am not talking about jumping across the Nile or paddling over the Sears tower, Herman! Now fork over the items!
Herman: Yeah, well... see I didn't take you for serious, so...
Me: Didn't take me for serious? I just spent the last three weeks reading books, wiring VCRs and banging this dead hooker, and you didn't bring it?!
Herman: These books? They're in Chinese...
Me: Doesn't matter, I can't read. But you're getting away from the point of why you're here, which has nothing to do with space time continuums or latitude longitude. It's a metaphor, get it?
Herman: No.
Me: Good. Hey, where's your mother?
Herman: Fuck you.
Me: Herman! All of a sudden you go from caring friend to this?!
Herman: We're not friends, Wardy, we're neighbors. I came over because I didn't want what happened last time you tried to blow a hole in the universe to happen again.
Me: For the record, I was merely trying to blast a hole to Mars, and it would've worked if that asshole Germaine from Dodge had sent me the right parts. Matter of fact, it nearly worked despite a slight setback in the trajectory model I'd done on my Apple IIGS...
Herman: Slight setback?! It killed my mother!
Me: Well... like I said, I was using technology that, well for lack of a better word, out-dated...
Herman: You used a rubber hose to hold five cooking pots together, all of which were filled with gunpowder and napalm! It blasted through my mom's bedroom window and took out the entire west wing of my house!
Me: In my defense, it really was quite spectacular to watch...
Herman: What the fuck? You killed my mom!
Me: Actually, if we're getting specific, the exploding debris and ensuing fire killed her. Let's place blame where blame is due. Don't you think if I killed someone that I'd be in jail?
Herman: You plead insanity, despite your constant requests to plead Jack McCoy for a lap dance— and then they let you out of the loony bin after two months because you were making the nurses and guards go crazy!
Me: Yeah, crazy with desire for this sweet body!
Herman: ....
It was at this point that I realized not only had my pal Herman forgotten to bring the jelly jam and Crisco, but that he quite possibly didn't want to go along for the ride at all. Well I'd rather bullfight a polar monkey before I was going to let him alert the authorities, or worse yet, the Desert Rope Ninja Squadron, so I threw a potato sack over his head and beat him with a large stick. When I was done he agreed he'd make a Valentine's Day post for me.
What a great friend.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-15 23:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:51:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i long for the days of poetry contests and hand jobs that didn't make me feel like i was breaking the law.
===
We all do, Wardy. We all do.
You're ridiculous. I've missed you.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-15 15:31:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-15 11:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-14 18:25:35 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking fantastic.
And here I thought you were just a little pest.
My bad.
=====
That's what you get for thinking.
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-15 07:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-02-14 23:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bessie
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-14 21:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking fantastic.
And here I thought you were just a little pest.
My bad.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I wore panties, they would have pee on them.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.5 reduction because I realized you aren't drunk, I had only read the hot pockets review, to be honest.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the intro (the rest bored me) and your righteous, obviously drunken review anger.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-14 18:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was funny, but at times tried to hard to be funny.
Keep in mind, I haven't tried to funny for months now.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-14 16:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
does it not speak to you, jack? does it not get you all yammered up inside with poetic joy and cupid bits? no?
woe is me.
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-14 16:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-14 16:02:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
depends.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-14 15:50:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is this an actual contest entry???
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-14 15:32:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i don't even know what that means.
and who is taking up all my freezer space? no one needs this many hot pockets! WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!! HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF A GODDAMN RECIPE OR COOK BOOK?!? STOP LIVING OUT OF A MICROWAVE!
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-14 15:16:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Too clever by half but some funny stuff.
Submitted by matchoo (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:56:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
allo allo back again after 2 years of not. 2+
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:51:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:47:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck this stupid contest.
-------------
i long for the days of poetry contests and hand jobs that didn't make me feel like i was breaking the law.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-14 13:45:42 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so insane it's what it'd be like if Habeeb learned to say something that doesn't involve "go _____ wooo!". Congratulations.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:47:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck this stupid contest.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:46:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so insane it's what it'd be like if Habeeb learned to say something that doesn't involve "go _____ wooo!". Congratulations.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She ain't got no money
Her clothes are kinda funny
Her hair is kinda wild and free
Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes
And nobody knows like me
She talks kinda lazy
And people say she she's crazy
And her life's a mystery
Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes
And nobody knows like me
There's something about her hand holding mine
It's a feeling that's fine
And I just gotta say
She's really got a magical spell
And it's working so well
That I can't get away
I'm a lucky fella
And I've just got to tell her
That I love her endlessly
Because love grows where my Rosemary goes
And nobody knows like me
There's something about her hand holding mine
It's a feeling that's fine
And I just gotta say
She's really got a magical spell
And it's working so well
That I can't get away
I'm a lucky fella
And I've just got to tell her
That I love her endlessly
Because love grows where my Rosemary goes
And nobody knows like me
[Fadeout:]
It keeps growing every place she's been
And nobody knows like me
If you've met her, you'll never forget her
And nobody knows like me
La la la- believe it when you've seen it
Nobody knows like me
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:41:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114915
in my haste to get back to my regular work and business, i forgot to add this link. math really never was my bag.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:38:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought many parts of this were funny. So +2 for amusing me somewhat.