Dear Heather (390 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.25 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BillyGoat (View user info) at 2008-02-14 16:35:06 EST
Dear Heather
I saw you on TV last night and I thought you looked radiant. Very beautiful indeed and with a level of dignity that was surprising from someone in your situation. It made me want to write this letter and personally apologize for what has happened to you over the past year or so. I feel strongly responsible for your predicament as I was the one who submitted that photograph to the editor of that newspaper. I had done it purely for entertainment purposes, just for titillation, you know - to please the masses on their journey to work. Never in my mind did I think this would turn out like this.
I have asked my self over and over again why I was rummaging through your bins at 5 in the morning whilst everyone was tucked away in their cosy beds. And I have always come to the same conclusion; that is; I was after any shred of evidence as to why you were breaking up with Him, so that I could sell it on and raise a bit of cash. I was just doing my job as you might have done if you had one. And In fairness, I wanted to get you back for firing me and reducing me to a mere paparazzo.
Everyday I wake up and look in the mirror and I still can't quite believe how a former high flying PR agent has come to be driving around in a shitty banger, snapping away like a madman, whilst chasing people half or even a third of his age. Even after 2 years, it still doesn't ring true.
When I get dressed, I pick out the oldest shittiest clothes I can find so that I have some sort of protection when buried knee deep in some fucking celebs' nettle infested plot for 10-15 hours at a time. Often I return home empty handed but I always go back, in the hope that the so called celebs will do something remotely interesting so that I can get paid and pay for my daughters impending boarding fees.
What always makes me laugh, though, is the packets of antihistamines and antiseptics that I have resorted to carrying because I never know which fucking shrub I'll be shagging or whose bin I'll be trawling next , lest I get my self cut or break out in a funky rash.
And I won't even begin to describe the terror that courses through me each time a heroin infested needle punctures my skin or the horror of uncovering blood drenched tissues in dirty bins.
I am scum, Heather, the lowest of the low. I am that little piping Tom who watches you whilst you get changed. A voyeur, who steals peoples' lives with one simple click of the shutter.
Tell me, how do I tell my daughter than my largest pay check came from an up skirt shot of Britney's pussy?
I'm 50 years old for fucksake, I should be enjoying life, tanning away somewhere in Spain. Not this. You made me this way and everyday I go greyer just thinking about you.
When I found that picture of you spread eagled, I was shocked to say the least. My whole perception of you changed immediately. I was ashamed to have let you be the god mother of my kid. Imagine she had seen these pictures, what would she think? Honestly, I had never thought of you as the kind of person who would take such photos. To me you where always wholesome, like a good stew on a cold winters day. A whiter than white, eco warrior and human rights campaigner and a role model for any girl. Yet this came out and your image will forever be tarnished.
By the way Ashley has been asking why you were on TV last night and I can't bring myself to tell her.
And then to vehemently deny it, using recycled lines that we've all heard before was surely a low point. Loads of people have done dumb things in their past lives, but you should have manned up and accepted that this was who you were back then and not now. In fact, had you showed me those pictures when you were still MY client then, I would have made sure that each and every one of them would had been destroyed. But you didn't and now those pictures have come back to haunt you.
You were a shark among gold fish, a prize horse in a stable of donkeys, yet you fired me because you were 'going to greener pastures'. Well those pastures didn't stay green for long, did they? Had you had a better publicist (i.e. me), maybe this whole affair would have quickly been swept under the rug and we all would have been moved on. But now see what happened; the world is now making fun of you.
You know what, writing this has taken a load of my mind and i shan't be saying sorry, instead I shall be diligently watching the court case, hoping that you get what you deserve.
I shall sign of by paraphrasing Eddie Murphy:
"Even if [your] pussy was great... and sparks shot out of [your] ass and mountains crumbled, no pussy is worth $150m"
And you know he was right.
I love you really
xxx
Your former agent.
PS. Happy Valentines Day. Me and the wife are going to Paris on Saturday.
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-02-17 14:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I went out drinking with Heather last night, drinking shots all night at the bar, she kept rambling on about Obama, I got her really riled when I said I thought he always looked good in suits boy was she hopping mad. She stood up and went to leave but she didn't get far, she was legless.
heh
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-15 01:50:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-02-14 23:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
post the fucking pic next time
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-14 18:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh. Had whatever happend between Heather and the main chracter been recent, OK. But I got the impression it was awhile ago. At that point I'm thinking "Dude, get over it and rebuild."
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-02-14 17:52:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I skimmed through this
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-14 17:07:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh. okay.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-02-14 17:07:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All the Heathers i've ever known have really really stinky vags.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-02-14 16:57:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
she was the main client and when she left the whole thing crumbled and so i blame her for the collapse of my firm.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-02-14 16:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heather Mills
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-14 16:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I don't get it. Who's Heather? And why didn't you have any other clients besides her? Can't you just wear leather gloves to stop the Heroin needles?