The Top 10 Most Unique Zombies (1109 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.95 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dirk Diggler (View user info) at 2008-02-14 18:47:38 EST
Zombies and horror movies are like hot sex and icecream. They're both great on their own, but mixed together they are a deadly dosage of ecstasy. However, zombies have become a dime a dozen, like celebrity sex videos, photos of Britney Spears without panties, Australia Idol, or people who think they can do impersonations of George Bush (They can't). In this sea of rotting flesh and gurgled moans there are a few worthy mentions, Zombies of merit, if you will. I have tried to pick out some of my favorites.
I don't give a flying fuck if you disagree. This was nothing more than a writing exercise for me and wasn't made to be some sort of perfect list. A couple of the entries are a bit obscure and like the recent 2 girls 1 cup sensation, opinions on the matter will vary. But, as long as you like the article and get a chuckle here and there, I can consider it a success.
Please note, I've tried NOT to include generic zombies from games like Resident Evil or Silent hill. Whilst these guys are pretty vicious and nasty in their own right, they're not particularly one of a kind and are sort of the stock zombie types. I've tried to pick zombies that stick out amongst the crowd. Having said that, let's begin.
10. Inspector Clay - Plan 9 from Outer Space
Alright, you know that when someone is already thick as a plank, the conversion to zombie-ism is going to be a smooth one. Infact, when this guy became one of the living dead, he actually gained brain cells. When he was alive he got stuck getting out of cars, couldn't fit through doors and had trouble delivering lines. When he died, nothing changed.
In terms of zombie threat, his only offensive tactic seemed to be tripping over tombstones and moaning like he was having a painful orgasm. If you see this guy coming for you, don't bother running, just save your energy and walk briskly in the opposite direction. You could even walk towards him, it won't make a difference, and he can't see shit anyway.
His only zombie ally was a woman whose tits kept falling out of her top, had nails long enough to cut steak with and had a waist that looked like it was being choked to death.
Threat = 1
9. Zombie Dogs - Resident Evil Series
This one isn't a zombie per se, but it's still one of the more memorable zombie encounters.
The first time these furry fuckers jumped on the screen, it pretty much caused heart attacks in all the (un)fortunate souls who were playing at the time. The sight of a rotting Rottweiler jumping through a window and barking its balls off is enough to make you shit bricks. And it did. However, once you've calmed down, you realize it's nothing more than a pissed off pooch that probably escaped the zombie pound.
You'd want to play fetch; it wants to play "let's eat the flesh off your face". Shoot it, man, shoot it in the head. Then go and do something more dangerous, like sorting out your sock drawers.
Threat = 4
8. Doomed Marine - Doom/Doom 2/Final Doom
What do you get when you mix a marine with the forces of hell? Why, you get a doomed marine. That's what. These guys seemed more intent on shooting their friends than shooting you and as a result they often got fucked up by their own team mates faster than you can say "cyber demon". But they had a nice habit of grouping up in large amounts and turning you into Swiss cheese if you weren't careful. Sometimes these guys would even die when you weren't aiming at them, purely out of the awesomeness the Doom Guy's presence permeated. Their main attacks were walking in circles, running into walls and shooting you with a rifle that sounded like a pen lid being dropped. Grab your knuckle dusters, do the world a favour and punch them in the skull.
Threat = 3
7. Sir Dan Fortesque - Medievil Series
You ever get those days you wish you never got out of bed? Consider this set of events. You wake up to find that an evil sorcerer you think you killed has risen from the grave. You get your army and head off to kill him, only to be killed by an arrow to the skull before you've landed a single blow. Then to top it all off, he has the audacity to bring zombies to life and desecrate your tomb. Poor Dan had to put up with this shit, so can you blame him for going crazy and wanting revenge? Of course you can't!
Dan fucking rocks. He has the spirits of heroes giving him hammers and spears. He has the ghost of Grace Jones flirting with him and he's even got a huge fucking eagle that flies him wherever he needs to go. Oh yes, they see him rolling, they hating.
Playing as Dan was the coolest thing ever. You could crush shit with a hammer, shoot it with arrows or cut it to shit with a huge sword. You went through cursed towns, asylums, haunted battlefields until you finally crushed Zarok the evil sorcerer, saved the world and went to a Valhalla-esque afterlife to be cheered on by your friends. Kick ass.
Threat = ?
6. The weird gun holding zombie in Dawn of the Dead
Romero is cited as creating the modern zombie genre. And he did. Anyone who doesn't agree deserves to eat a gun powder pizza and wash it down with liquid fire. Simple as that. Dawn of the Dead is probably the best movie, but the real stars of the movie are the zombies themselves. It also featured some jerk called Fly Boy who kept fucking up.
For anyone who's seen this movie, you could understand that the zombie most people would remember is the stupid Hare Krishna zombie. Of course, if you hit these people hard enough in the head with a percussion mallet, they will back track and remember that "weird fucking gun holding zombie".
Every time it's on the screen, it's gun holding shenanigans steal the scene. Whether it was it's memorable performance with the hunting rifle, or it's powerful, tour de force when it acquired the sniper rifle. The weird gun holding zombie took us on a rollercoaster of emotions. Of course, shortly after its final appearance on screen, it blew its own fucking head off, but that's beside the point.
Technically, this guy wasn't much of a threat at all. But the fact that time and time again he was able to single handedly disarm TRAINED FUCKING SWAT OFFICERS shows how dangerous this guy is. Not only is he able to snatch their guns right from their hands, but then he walks around, boasting that shit off to his zombie drinking pals. This guy was the only zombie who ever thought "hmm, maybe if I take that gun away, he won't shoot me in the fucking head". Oh yeah, this guy was dangerous. Don't wear your good jewellery around this guy either because he'd probably steal that shit too.
Threat = 3 (Add 7 if you're carrying any sort of firearm)
5. Head Crab Zombie - Half-life Series
There's nothing cooler than breaking shit (like someone's face) with a crowbar. With the possible exception of hot oil wrestling, the cheapest possible thrill comes from hitting an alien creature with a piece of hot metal and then spraypainting it's corpse with a pixelated .tga file.
Technically I'm cheating here. Whilst these aren't the traditional zombies of lore, these guys are still pretty badass. Their main method of attack seems to consist of swiping the air with their huge fuck-off claws and crying about the shitty lives they used to live. They stumble about like they've lost their sight and move at a snails pace, attacking only if you're stupid enough to get in their way. If that's not enough, you've got the faster, smaller variants that come flying at you, screaming their heads off while they simultaneously fuck your shit up.
To become one of these little pricks you have to get a head crab to "couple" with your head. These little bastards jump onto your head, cut your skull open and suck out your brains. Not the nicest way to go. They seem to prefer scientists and security guards so if you're neither of these you can consider yourself pretty safe. And if you're dumb enough to wear a large orange protective suit around them, then you deserve what you get.
Threat = 6
4. Michael Jackson Zombie - Thriller Music Video
Now this may not be the most threatening of all the zombie types, but sure is the most fucking scariest. Some people believe it wasn't a zombie at all but merely Jacko before his morning coffee. The sight of this emaciated figure of death coming after you is enough to turn your shit into painful bricks of liquid fear. Besides, most would agree there is little difference between Mr. Jackson and one of the legions of the undead. Aside from the 80's leather outfit.
The Jacko zombie seems to be able to smash down walls and doors like nothing more than a slight nuisance but he
has one notable weakness. Dance. Chances are, if you run into him he's more likely to bust out a series of choreographed dance moves than eat your brains through your eye sockets. More so, his moves are so funky that they attract all nearby zombies into a chorus of choreographed corpses giving you ample time to get the fuck out of there. If you're stupid enough to get cornered by this prick, I would think getting your brains eaten is the least of your worries. Especially if you're a 12 year old boy. But at least you can sue the bastard.
Threat = 2 (Add 8 if you're an underage boy)
3. Stubbs - Stubbs the Zombie
Alright, now we're getting a bit more serious. We have to feel sorry for Stubbs. In his life he was eaten up and spat out and led a life which consisted of walking in the rain and eating fried dog shit. It didn't get any better when he died. He gets woken up by a bunch of corporate dickweeds and is forced to go on a rampage eating as much brains as he can gets his skeletal hands on.
To be fair, this game rocked. How many games let you take charge of a walking, farting zombie who can use his head, hands and bodily emissions as weapons. The best part of this game was turning innocent people into zombies and sending them on suicide missions towards lone enemies, watching them get mowed down by chainsaws or automatic rifles. Sweet. To top it all off, he took his undead rampage all over the city leaving no grave stone unturned.
He could pull your arms off and beat you to death with them. He could pull out his intestines and use them as a grenade. You think you're safe in a tank? Hell no. Stubbs farts are so toxic, they'd force you out, where once again, he'd take your arms and beat you do death with them. He could pull off his head or hand and use them as a fucking time bomb, which would turn anyone who got near them into a zombie. But in the end, none of that would matter, because, HE COULD RIP OFF YOUR FUCKING ARMS AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH THEM. That's something only Wookies can do and I don't need to tell you how much those furry bastards kick ass.
Oh yes, Stubbs rocked.
Threat = 9
2. Evil Ash - Army of Darkness
Now, before I go too far, you have to consider something here. Evil Ash is only dangerous because he was the evil version of Ash. If there was an Evil Pope John Paul or an Evil Frankie Muniz, it would be about as dangerous wearing hazard goggles and cooking bacon and eggs. In other words, it would be more threatening to wear assless chaps during a mardi gras festival. To further emphasise this, imagine if you had your own evil twin. What's evil about a guy who sits on the computer all day, browsing flickr, porn and facebook. You're both right, the answer is nothing.
You know your evil twin is going to be bad when you've got a chainsaw for an arm, a double barrelled shotgun on your back and to top it all off, you're a fucking time traveller who blows away demons in his spare time. And in Ash's case, this was him in a nutshell. I mean, the guy shat out manliness and pissed liquid coolness. He had a chin you could land a jet on a hair style that made soap opera stars blush. So when he ended up with an evil version of himself people pretty much knew shit should fall from the sky and from the asses of all involved. Not only was he able to command an army of the undead, but he also possessed superior strength, a questionable complexion and his own string of one liners.
Despite all this, Ash was still able to whoop his ass and save the day. But Evil Ash is still a formidable foe and the fact he could stand in Ash's presence and not be put to his knees by the awesomeness is a true testament.
Threat = 9
1. Bub - Day of the Dead
I mean really, did you think it would go anyone else? You think it would go to something from a video game? Hot piss. Bub is without a doubt the most dangerous and coolest zombie of all time. It's simple, he could learn. Sure, he initially carved his own face off with a razor, and kept hitting his head on furniture but watching poor Bub realize what he's become is a pure tear jerker. As he listens to music on a walkman, the realization hits him like a ton of bricks and he bursts into a sorrowful moan (and that's not because he's listening to Paris Hilton's CD). He even learns of emotions like love and hate, using the latter in truly ass kicking fashion later in the movie.
Not only was he smart enough to escape his cell, he also learnt how to use a fucking pistol. Yes, zombies with guns: You're pretty much fucked. It was a lot like the crazy black zombie in land of the dead, only not as a bald. Bub didn't need to eat brains anymore, why? Because now he had a fucking hand cannon. He was now super pissed after watching his friends get killed and wandered the halls craving vengeance. A zombie is bad enough, but a zombie who could shoot the fly off a dogs back is fucking badass. Oh yes, it is for this reason that Bub is the number one zombie of all time. Just make sure you don't get on his bad side.
As a bit of an update, Bub is now a candidate in the US presidential elections. Our hearts and brains go out to him.
Threat = 10
Omitted but considered: Nemesis (Resident Evil Nemesis), Caleb (Blood Series), Dracula ( Castlevania), Jason Vorhees (Friday the 13th).
Attached is a picture of a zombie wombat who I regrettably had to omit from the list.
User Reviews
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-11-13 06:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus for mentioning "Plan Nine", beyond classic, not the remake, but you didn't mention Army of Darkness?! What about 28 days later? Resident Evil, the vid game, drives me crazy cos I've only gotten past that white-shrouded innocuous looking dude once. And I bought the Wii version so I could get the rifles and pistols, I'm packing. But still can't get past him, but did once. I was so excited I ran telling everybody and the game killed me! What a loser.
I WILL kill him again and move on. It is my destiny.
(If anyone knows how to kill him--- the one time i killed him he was leaping --- shot to the head with shotgun, please tell me)
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-06 10:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Gazbo (user info) at 2008-02-14 18:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't know why you gave me a 0. Did you even read the fucking article? Douche.
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You know - I can retal -2 just like you. The difference is - I don't give a fuck about ratings.
For the record - that post was worth a 0. Did ya give Hurty a retal -2 for his 0? Hmmm Pumpkin?
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2008-02-16 11:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for effort. +1 for pic. Filename sucks, though.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-02-16 11:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
might as well of hit the snooze this morning
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-02-16 10:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:29:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
zombie rascist below
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Lack o' interest
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-15 13:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where was the gun holding zombie and was this the old dawn of the dead or the new one?
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-15 12:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
9. Zombie Dogs - Resident Evil Series
This one isn't a zombie per se
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wtf is it then?
+2 cause zombies RULE.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-15 11:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ok
so now we have ninjas, pirates, vikings and zombies.
anything else?
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-02-15 04:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-15 01:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
according to the filmmaker 28 days later zombies are not actually zombies,
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They're not even close to zombies. Zombies are the un-dead. In 28 Days, 'the infected' are just that, infected and still very much alive hence their speed and unchecked aggression.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2008-02-14 23:59:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah the 28 days later zombies were pretty awesome... i personally would be exactly like shaun in shaun of the dead if they were the typical slow zombies... 28 days later zombies (or the ones from resident evil 4... fucking chainsaw) would scare the shit out of me.... i dont like it when zombies are fast and can plot and plan and set up traps and shit.
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according to the filmmaker 28 days later zombies are not actually zombies, and it's not a zombie. i think hes full of shit and should be shout for making a lame ass zombie flick. stupid brit asshole.
also i never read the full list, although what i did read i liked alot. the part on Ash was awsome. In fact i may now watch army of darkness, or play dead rising. or both, yeah.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-14 21:01:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it, but zombies are awesome.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
your own ratings don't count on your post; you don't need to +2 yourself to keep it positive
just a heads up
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:27:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sure they are.. unless you count that highlander 2 shit that even the creators consider non canon (the re release of highlander 2 removes all references of them being anything but human)
the ones in the tv series' were born... from human parents. they start human and remain human until they die... until they die for the first time, they age, have illnesses, can be scarred, etc. once they die they then come back to life as an immortal.
if dracula is a zombie... so is a highlander immortal.
bottom line
"the highlanders" ARE zombies
not the typical rotting brain hungry zombies mind you, but zombies none the less
Submitted by Gazbo (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you guys missed the point. Is every single rating going to be someone going "What about this zombie from my favorite film?"
And for the record, a Highlander is not a fucking zombie.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what about the baby zombie from dawn of the dead? you know, the one that gets shot in the face. that was one of my favorite zombies of all time.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah the 28 days later zombies were pretty awesome... i personally would be exactly like shaun in shaun of the dead if they were the typical slow zombies... 28 days later zombies (or the ones from resident evil 4... fucking chainsaw) would scare the shit out of me.... i dont like it when zombies are fast and can plot and plan and set up traps and shit.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The Dawn of the Dead zombies would be fun as hell cause they're so damn slow! But what about the zombies in 28 Days Later or I am Legend(the movie version)? Those fuckers are fast, angry and terrifying!
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the marvel zombies were pretty unique...
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The fact that Dr. Pym was keeping Black Panther alive as a flesh farm disturbed the hell out of me. Even more so than what they became after they ate Galactus. I think it may be the amount of forethought a 'zombie' put into staying alive.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what about highlander?
thats pretty unique... they are like any other human till they die for the first time then become permanently immortal at that point no illness, no aging, no scars (no rotting).... in time unless they have their head removed
i always wondered what would happen if you cut one down the middle
or cut them off at the armpit or at the eyes
the marvel zombies were pretty unique...
do the Hellraiser cenobites count...?
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Instead of "kicker of all ass", insert "Eater of all brains". You obviously spent a lot of time on this, and it was enjoyable, I laughed at every single one. Congratulations.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Headcrab zombies.
would have been better as with pictures though
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no Planet Terror zombies? pfffft
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:04:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great List! Made me hungry for brains!
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-14 18:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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