The Shielded Land: Chapter One (383 hits)
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Submitted by Registered_S_O (View user info) at 2008-02-14 19:16:52 EST
( I suck)
Chapter 1
Minska pounded down the animal path, his legs pumping rhythmically with the beating of his heart. Moisture from the previous night's rain exploded in a dazzling spray as Minska tore through leaves hanging in his path. He was one with his surroundings as he quickly traversed paths he knew better
than his own features.
Movement off to the right caught his eye as he saw a swath being cut through the bushes, angling straight towards him. Before he could change direction and veer away, a bear of a man hurtled through the bushes and right into Minska. Minska was momentarily stunned as what was up became down. He landed hard on his back as the red headed, hulking man landed across his chest and abdomen a moment later, further driving the wind from his lungs.
A ray of sunlight through the canopy of leaves above shone directly in Minska's eyes, forcing him to squint as the pain of his rough landing began to subside. With strength born of a lifetime laboring in the fields of his hometown, Minska heaved the bulk of man off himself.
The brute, recovering his own breath, began gasping in small fits of laughter. Minska stood and brushed dirt off his breeches. The clasp cinching his tunic in place had become dislodged in the tumble, so he set about fixing it. With the look of utter disgust on Minska's face, the red-headed man's gasping laughter burst into a large cackle.
"All that running about in the forest and you never heard me following you since you left town." The man panted, wiping tears from his eyes.
"I was chasing a deer I injured back a ways, that's why I didn't notice you until just before you emerged from the bushes." Minska said with half a grin, still tender around the middle. "So Mikalik, you've managed to get the best of me in my own forest for once. What could you possibly ever do in life now that will top this triumph?" Minska questioned sarcastically, irritated at the grin lingering on his longtime friend's face.
When he wasn't helping his townsfolk to harvest crops in Kyson's field, Minska spent almost all of his free time out in the surrounding forest. He thought himself a creature of the woods, and enjoyed the time he spent there. Minska would sometimes place wagers with other men of the town, betting to see who might catch him out in the forest. Those games ended when it was apparent that no one could hope to ever catch Minska in his forest. For Mikalik to get the better of Minska on his own stomping grounds, that truly was an achievement.
"Yes lad, there's not much more I could do in life that would top the accomplishment of catching you in your forest home." Mikalik replied in a sweet tone.
He lifted his arm so that Minska could help him up. When Minska had Mikalik halfway to his feet, Mikalik said, seemingly to himself "Of course, when I win the heart of the fair Cairena tonight at the festival, well that will be an achievement to top this one."
Minska turned red at that comment, letting go of Mikalik's hand. Mikalik landed on his bottom with a thump that renewed his laughter, wheezing harder than he did the first time. Minska turned away as he placed his hands on hips. With his eyes closed, Minska stood there, letting the warm, late day sunlight streaming through gaps in the trees wash over him.
Cairena grew up on the farm right next to Minska's. While growing up, he and Cairena would go out into the forest for hours on end, enjoying the less troubling times of youth. Minska felt a deep affection for Cairena, He always thought that he would one day marry her, yet he wasn't as sure of that now as he was during his childhood. While he did care for Cairena greatly, he thought of her more like a sister than he did a potential wife. It was confusing for Minska, his feelings for his female friend. He knew Mikalik guessed at least some of what he felt, therefore, he never wasted an opportunity to poke fun at him for it.
"Come now lad, just a joke, just a joke." Mikalik said into the lengthening silence.
Minska turned around and found himself face first in the thick red beard of his long-time friend.
"Mikalik would never do that to you Minska, you must believe me!"
Minska tried to yell that he did believe it, but it came out as a muffled yelp into Mikalik's beard. Mikalik had locked his burly arms around Minska and had him in a bear hug, spinning around as he stated over and over again that he would never go after his friends' girlfriend. Minska managed to finally wiggle himself out of Mikalik's grasp once Mikalik's jovially laughter erupted.
"Minsk, you needn't worry. That's one girl who's in love with the air you breathe. A prince with all the riches of the world wouldn't be able to tempt her away from you."
"That's not true but, well, mind your own business you big oaf." Minska replied, giving Mikalik's arm a punch for good measure.
"You know," Minska began, a slight grin forming on his face, "just because you caught me that one time, doesn't mean you can do it a second time." With that, Minska darted into the bushes which led to a small side trail, and then was gone.
"That boy will be the death of me yet." Mikalik said softly, beginning his chase.
***
It was becoming more and more difficult to see as dusk began to settle over the forest. Minska could just make out the sound of his friend trampling through the forest a ways behind him. He found a small clearing near a lake that would be perfect for setting up camp for the night. Minska decided to build a fire while waiting for Mikalik to catch up with him.
The first flames from the small fire Minska made were just springing into life as Mikalik came bounding into the clearing. Minska looked up from his work of setting several pieces of fish into a pan and smiled up at his panting friend.
"Don't feel too bad Mikal; one's greatest triumph can't be duplicated easily."
"Aye lad, you're telling me." Mikalik ended in a huff, hovering near the smell of fresh fish beginning to cook.
"I was thinking a bit about what you said of Cairena earlier," Minska began, stoking the flames of the fire "and I think that while I do love her, it's not in the way she loves me"
Silence settled over the two like a mother covering a cold child in the depths of winter. Minska was more than happy to let the silence continue unabated after that statement, but Mikalik had other ideas.
"Minsk, I know you care for her greatly, and it seems as if you've gotten yourself into a bit of a quagmire of adolescent feelings. The best thing to do is to let Cairena know how you feel. The both of you will be better off."
"What if she hates me for that? I wouldn't want to lose her completely because I had a momentary bout of nervousness. Perhaps I'm just afraid of the unknown. I've never professed my love for a woman before." Minska turned over each piece of fish idly as he contemplated his own words along with what Mikalik had told him.
"To be young again my boy. That's something I would value greatly." Mikalik said softly, stretching out on the ground near the fire. "One's heart is a fragile thing. I think if you really wanted to be with Cairena, you would know. You're stuck in a fantasy of what you would like, as opposed to the reality of what is, Minsk. Honesty would be the best thing in this situation."
"When did you become an expert on matters of the heart Mikalik? I can't remember the last time you had any sort of a serious girlfriend." Minska smiled at the amusing notion of Mikalik with a girlfriend.
Most of Mikalik's relationships ended with the dawn of a new day.
"A lot of things can happen during the course of ones lifetime Minsk; you just have to pay attention to what's important. Never let go of what you value most. I don't think I would be here today if not for that grasp on reality. You just keep that in mind as you go romping through the maze of love Minsk, and you'll be alright." Mikalik finished, settling into a comfortable posture as he waited for the fish to finish cooking.
Minska was a little rattled at the sense of understanding Mikalik had for what he was going through. It was unlike Mikalik to give sound advice on matters of the heart. Minska supposed he didn't know everything about Mikalik the way he thought he did. With deliberate care, Minska handed Mikalik a few pieces of the now finished fish.
"After I'm finished eating, I'm ready for bed." Minska said.
"I would imagine so lad, I would imagine so." Mikalik replied.
***
Minska found himself running through a labyrinth of stone corridors, pursued by someone just out of sight. No matter how fast or how hard Minska ran, he kept losing his lead on his pursuer. Sconces in the lichen laced gray walls contained small balls of fire that gave off a brilliant display of orange and blue light. Minska found himself counting each small flame as he made his way ever deeper into the labyrinth. He nearly slipped on a slick spot on the floor while taking a corner, catching his balance just before he was about to collide with a wall. An eerie sense of foreboding began to permeate the halls Minska was navigating, rising with his own sense of panic. Over the sound of his labored breathing, Minska could make out soft whispers just a shade behind him. At a fork in the path, dimly visible by a flame farther back down the hall, Minska could just hear the words don't be afraid being repeated over and over again. Minska was afraid, as he found himself in front of a strangely glowing form in the middle of the next hallway. The hair on the back of his neck began to stir as he stared into the faceless creature before him. Minska felt frozen as it slowly made its way towards him.
"Come to me..." the figure whispered, speaking in what could only be described as an otherworldly voice, "don't be afraid, you need me."
The form of what looked to be wisps of smoke was now only inches away from Minska. Minska breathed harder and harder as icy cold pain began to shoot through his body. He was totally enveloped by the floating form as the icy pain began to be blanketed by a searing burning sensation across his flesh.
"Wake up lad, wake up." Minska heard a familiar voice say in his new world of incomprehensible agony.
Minska's eyes shot open and immediately sweat began to pour into them. He tried to sit up quickly, but only managed to start a sputtering cough while rolling onto his side.
"That was some nightmare Minsk," Mikalik said, standing up from his crouch on Minska's side.
"You're telling me Mikalik," Minska said, his bout of coughing beginning to subside. "It was strange. I was running through this seemingly endless maze of corridors, being followed by someone. I could hear their footsteps echoing my own. I turned a corner and was confronted by...some sort of shadow."
Minska paused for a moment, a slight tremble running through him as he recalled that horrible creature.
"I was frozen with fear Mikalik, I couldn't move. The shadow engulfed me, causing such pain that I can only recall a glimmer of the agony that it caused. Then I woke up." Minska looked up and noticed that Mikalik looked stricken. Mikalik quickly regained his composure, and assured Minska that it was only a dream and that he shouldn't worry.
"I'd like to forget it." Minska said, standing up and shaking the sleep from his woozy head.
"What's that foul odor?" Minska questioned, crinkling his nose to the air.
"Well after last night's fish," Mikalik replied with too straight of a face, "I cooked up some leftover beans that I had in a small tin. Nature can't be helped lad, just move on."
Minska shot Mikalik a look of disgust. "It's not that you dirty old bastard. It smells like roasting meat."
For some reason, this oddity in the forest didn't sit well with Minska. He had been out in the forest for the past two days, and hadn't seen any sign of people. For someone to come this far into the forest and start cooking meat, especially with how early it was, didn't seem plausible to Minska.
"Mikalik," Minska said with more bite then he intended "I don't like this. Let's get back to Cyntha."
Without waiting for a reply, Minska started off for his hometown, leaving his belongings in the camp. He only briefly looked back to see if Mikalik was close behind. He was.
As the morning wore on, the scent in the air was becoming stronger. The small animals that inhabited the trees and underbrush were silent. The only sound in the forest Minska heard was what he and Mikalik disturbed during their trek.
Minska paused at the tree line before his city, Mikalik coming up on his side.
"Do you hear that?" Mikalik asked, his face set in confusion and worry.
"Screaming." Minska said in reply.
A look of understanding came over Mikalik's face, turning into one of abject horror. With a burst of speed, Minska went the few dozen feet ahead to emerge in the field that circled his city. What he saw dropped him to his knees.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-25 16:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-02-16 10:48:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-02-16 09:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah. Thanks, Bubba.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-16 09:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-02-15 11:15:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
..............
I think this "rule" is designed to help keep it clear for the reader that a different person has started speaking. That being said, I've never read a rulebook on this sort of thing sooooo, who knows if it's correct for me to say this. But it makes sense to me and it seems to be what authors do in books.
Oh, and near the beginning you overstate how amazing it was that Mikalik catches Minska in his own forest. You say it like, three times in a very short span.
That's all.
=============================
Caes, an excerpt from Strunk & White:
"In dialogue, each speech, even if only a single word, is a paragraph by itself; that is, a new paragraph begins with each change of speaker. The application of this rule, when dialogue and narrative are combined, is best learned from examples in well-printed works of fiction."
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-02-15 11:15:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-- Mikalik's jovially laughter erupted.
That should be "jovial laughter".
This was pretty good...I can't really recall, but this doesn't seem very different from the first time you posted it, so I don't know if you made any changes to it or not. I don't really have much criticism for this one, except to watch your paragraphing, especially with dialogue. I believe you're "supposed" to start a new paragraph every time a different character speaks, so instead of doing this:
"Minsk, you needn't worry. That's one girl who's in love with the air you breathe. A prince with all the riches of the world wouldn't be able to tempt her away from you."
"That's not true but, well, mind your own business you big oaf." Minska replied, giving Mikalik's arm a punch for good measure.
You should do this:
"Minsk, you needn't worry. That's one girl who's in love with the air you breathe. A prince with all the riches of the world wouldn't be able to tempt her away from you."
"That's not true but, well, mind your own business you big oaf." Minska replied, giving Mikalik's arm a punch for good measure.
I think this "rule" is designed to help keep it clear for the reader that a different person has started speaking. That being said, I've never read a rulebook on this sort of thing sooooo, who knows if it's correct for me to say this. But it makes sense to me and it seems to be what authors do in books.
Oh, and near the beginning you overstate how amazing it was that Mikalik catches Minska in his own forest. You say it like, three times in a very short span.
That's all.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-02-15 10:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This rings bells, wasn't there a story on here about a boy and a piece of silk, out in the wilderness, returns to find Nazi's burning his village?
Anyways, still a good read.
more more more.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-15 08:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-02-15 04:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes you do suck
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-14 21:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bookmark
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG!! Zombie attack!!