Within an Hour (1202 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.78 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2008-02-15 14:05:57 EST
He had his hands wrapped around my throat, thumbs pushing in on my esophagus. I was back up against the corner of the couch, and he was on top of me, straddling me. I was both frantically thinking of ways to get him to stop, and thinking, "wow, I really am going to die now".
The only thing I could think to say was, "Where will you put my body?"
He squeezed harder and that's when black spots starting splotching up my vision, which is when I really started giving up. I let go of his wrists, somehow aware that there was blood and flesh stuck under my nails. That'll be evidence I thought.
I lay there, watching his eyes sparkle with insanity, and feeling my body tingle and throb.
In an instant I saw something change in his eyes. I saw my boyfriend come through. I saw him struggling with his demons, fighting, tooth and nail.
Either that, or I was hallucinating.
He suddenly released his vice-like grip on my neck, and fell back to the other corner of the couch. His face was so pale it seemed translucent.
I couldn't believe I was still alive. It was almost disappointing to be so prepared for death and then miss out. All that mental preparation for nothing.
Not knowing what was going on, I stayed still. I considered a million different options: running for the door, locking myself in the bathroom, calling the police... yet I stayed still.
"Will you get me a glass of wine?" he asked politely.
Automatically, I did as he wanted. As I was opening the cupboard to retrieve a glass, my hand glanced up against a plastic sandwich bag.
Which is when I remembered the pills.
Since he was crazy, technically "bipolar" or "borderline personality" or whatever the fuck label that wanted to put on it, his doctor had prescribed tranquilizers.
I quickly peeled open the tiny square packages, crushed the pills and poured the dust into the bottle of wine. I was disappointed to see that chunks of the pill were visible through the bottle, but I figured it was the only chance I had.
Instead of using a wine glass, I pulled out a brown Tupperware cup, and poured the wine into there. Crossing my proverbial fingers, I took the cup to the living room and handed it to him.
He drank it in one long gulp and handed the cup back to me.
I went into the kitchen and tore open the rest of the pills, crushed them, and added them to the wine, as well.
"Do you want another glass?" I asked, as I poured the cup full.
Probably for the first time in his life, he turned it down. I poured the wine down the drain, rinsed the glass, and stood there, looking out the kitchen window at the piles of snow in the back yard.
He was asleep within the hour.
Was I really hoping to kill him? I wondered. I think I was, because when I put my face close to his and felt his stale breath on me, I was a little upset.
Did I leave? No.
Did I want to? Not really.
Is there logic to this? Probably not.
I went up to my bed, curled up beneath the covers and somehow fell to sleep.
The next morning, as the sun raped my eyes, I had a blissful moment where the events of the night before escaped me.
Then it hit me, and instead of thinking about it, my mind jumped to an event in my past.
I was out in the back lot with my tiny Rottweiler puppy, throwing a ball to him, when he suddenly decided to run off. No amount of calling after him or promises of treats would convince him to turn around and come back to me. I trotted along behind him, trying hard not to lose sight of his little brown body.
We were running along the train tracks, towards town. I was jumping from one wooden beam to the next, since gravel that surrounded the tracks was too hard to walk on.
Then I heard a horrible sound.
I heard a train roaring in the distance. I screamed frantically for my dog, I ran away from the tracks, hoping to lure him towards me. Nothing worked.
I will never forget how I felt when I watched the train connect with my puppies body. I screamed so loud, yet I stood in silence. I didn't hear the rattle of the train against the track, I didn't hear my heartbeat, I only heard a tiny squawk come out of my dog as the train connected with her body. Or maybe I imagined it.
Amazingly, her tiny body was left, laying on the side of the tracks, without a mark on it.
That's the same feeling I had when I remembered that I was living with a psychopath.
I laid in bed for hours upon hours, the covers pulled up around my sore neck, and let myself cry.
Around noon Henry came upstairs with two plates on a tray. He handed one to me, and I was surprised to see shiny green beans, carrots, and roast. I had been so consumed with my misery that I hadn't even smelled him cooking.
I watched Henry like a scared puppy as I took a bite of the roast.
"It's tender, isn't it?" He asked with pride.
I nodded.
"I used that wine from last night when I cooked it." He said between bites.
I stopped chewing, and considered my options. I told him I had no appetite, maybe I was coming down with the flu, I said. I pushed my plate closer to his. "Have mine, too... don't waste it".
He was dead within the hour.
User Reviews
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2008-05-13 17:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-09 12:08:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the words, dude. I'm too tired to read this now but I've got it bookmarked to read in the morning. Here's a +2 and some faith.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-18 07:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
For a moment there, I thought he had cooked the dog.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-18 06:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
eh, it's alright. Feels like I've read it before though.
Not saying it's plagerised or nothing, just a bit samey.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-02-17 12:58:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-15 19:16:02 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-15 15:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
self publication, maybe.
once these are available to the public, publishing houses won't touch them.
but hey, you're a goddamn idiot and probably didn't know that. the upshot of all this is that i did a good deed by sharing information with a retard...knowledge is power, and all that, so i empowered you! go me!
AND, you got a little 'the more you know' type of feeling.
everybody wins, huh?
let's call it a day.
==================
OK, it's a day. Why do you put down those who self-publish? Are YOU published, self or otherwise? NO?
THEN SHUT THE LIVING FUCK UP, YOU CRETIN!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCKINGASSHOLE
you are such a retard, bubba.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2008-02-17 04:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great writing. I hope it's 95% fiction...I would have killed him more violently.
():)
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2008-02-16 20:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The next morning, as the sun raped my eyes, I had a blissful moment where the events of the night before escaped me."
Oh, God, I hate that moment -almost- as much as I hate the one right after where everything comes rushing back all at once. It's like your stomach just drops right out of existance.
I hope the guy this is about didn't actually hurt you... if he did I might consider making the rest non-ficiton, too...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it wrong that I read the first two sentences and thought this was going to be an erotic story?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I totally did too.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-02-16 18:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very nicely written!
-P
x
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-02-16 18:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
all this man murdering alarms me
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-02-16 12:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-16 10:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Bubba, calm down. If anybody should get pissed about scourge it should be me, since what he wrote was in response to my review. But I don't get upset with people for giving their honest opinion, even if it is delivered in a slightly snarky way. And I know that Corn will probably never be published, I was just trying to say that I think most of her writing is better than %90 of the shit out there right now. My apologies, I will attempt to be more literal in the future.
end transmission
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-16 02:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-reads, thinks, does some quick mathematics-
So, you're going to have to kill him fictionally about two dozen times before you feel purged of the turd that walks like a man.
This is a swimmingly good start.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-16 01:25:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember when Scourge made Bubba look really stupid? That was crazy.
Or maybe it was Bubba that made Bubba look stupid.
Whatever.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-15 23:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He straddled me against the corner of the couch, pinning my arms with his knees. His hands gripped my throat, crushing my esophagus. All I could think was, "wow, he's really going to kill me this time."
I wanted to ask him where he was going to put my body, but I couldn't get the words out.
He squeezed harder and black spots starting floating across my vision.
I decided to give up.
I let go of his wrists, and as I started to pass out my last thought was the blood and flesh under my fingernails would provide good evidence against him.
*
I did a tiny little developmental edit on your opening because I really like your writing. Your style is very economical so you might benefit from a little clean up here and there, both grammatically and logically. This exact edit is by no means definitive, of course.
I made one fundamental change, implying he had previously committed similar actions, which seems appropriate and which I think you intended to convey, although I may have missed it.
One thing in particular in the above section: If someone is choking you, it's impossible to speak, at least not so you're understood. If you can speak you are in no danger of choking to death.
A very big thing later which needs attention is the tranquilizers in the wine. Cooking a roast with tranquilizer spiked-wine is probably not going to kill someone. Even with strong tranks, the burn off and other factors would make death unlikely. It's not the same as drinking the wine.
I loved the dog story as metaphor, and I think you could possibly switch back and forth so the stories dovetail at their respective climaxes, but that is a complete re-write and not necessarily the way you need or want to go. It works fine this way, too.
Nice job.
Scourge is right about the publishing thing, although I have no idea whether you aspire to write professionally.
I published some stuff online before, but I either changed the title or made it so generic it would at least be more difficult to google. But they make you sign a contract which stipulates no prior published versions, so you really can't get away with it in any case.
You won't make any bread from selling short stories until you've already made a name as a writer, anyway. Even then it's nothing. Even big names don't make shit from a single short story, really. So I guess you might as well get it out there.
But even the university presses, which don't pay anything but are good because it gets respect and gets you read, all want no prior published stories. It's ridiculous.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-15 22:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well, Sadie/jimboruckus/Bubs/unfunniest motherfucker on the planet, if you'll read what i wrote, i didn't put down people who self publish. i merely made an observation about the fact that once something has been made available to the public in this way, publishers will not touch it.
way to not know what the fuck you're talking about, again, you geriatric piece of shit.
and while we're at it...the artform i prefer to use more than writing is photography. and i HAVE had my work in that medium published. and not by myself either. so i guess that puts me one up on you and those who you wish to fellate. that would be kaos and jack for those following along at home.
you = fail
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-15 20:16:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-15 15:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
self publication, maybe.
once these are available to the public, publishing houses won't touch them.
but hey, you're a goddamn idiot and probably didn't know that. the upshot of all this is that i did a good deed by sharing information with a retard...knowledge is power, and all that, so i empowered you! go me!
AND, you got a little 'the more you know' type of feeling.
everybody wins, huh?
let's call it a day.
==================
OK, it's a day. Why do you put down those who self-publish? Are YOU published, self or otherwise? NO?
THEN SHUT THE LIVING FUCK UP, YOU CRETIN!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCKINGASSHOLE
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-15 19:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Diagnosed as bipolar or borderline personality, etc... I was trying to show that he had a mood disorder of some sort. My ex got tranqulizers because he'd flip out, and need something to calm him down. He was also on Depakote and Welbutrin. So. That's where that comes from.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-15 17:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The tranquilizer thing confused me at first, as I've had many relatives diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and they were all given Lithium (not a tranq). So, I used Google to learn something new today.
"Lithium is highly effective in treating acute episodes of mania, especially when symptoms are mild. Patients going through severe manic episodes need to be calmed as quickly as possible, however, and lithium may take 1 to 3 weeks to achieve its full effect. Therefore, physicians most often treat very disturbed patients by first combining lithium with 'a different type of drug, a tranquilizer, such as haloperidol or chlorpromazine. When lithium has had a chance to act, the tranquilizer may be gradually withdrawn. Lithium can normalize the manic disorder without causing the drugged feeling that often occurs with tranquilizers. Also, tranquilizers may produce troublesome side effects that limit their usefulness as a long-term treatment."
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-15 17:55:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That damn Sun, always raping your characters.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-15 17:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-15 17:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's always nice to see quality on Uber
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-15 15:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've posted pleanty of shit:
ie: http://www.ubersite.com/m/63063
or
http://www.ubersite.com/m/65125 (hah my worst camwhore EVER!)
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-15 15:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, hadley...i believe i hold the rights to shit posting around here.
everyone else has to get their own niche.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-15 15:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey...can't you work an occasional shit post in here somewhere instead of just writing good stuff?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-15 15:04:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd man-kiss scourge
i'm just sayin
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-15 15:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
self publication, maybe.
once these are available to the public, publishing houses won't touch them.
but hey, you're a goddamn idiot and probably didn't know that. the upshot of all this is that i did a good deed by sharing information with a retard...knowledge is power, and all that, so i empowered you! go me!
AND, you got a little 'the more you know' type of feeling.
everybody wins, huh?
let's call it a day.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope your saving all of these stories for publication.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i had to go back and check the bit about pouring the wine down the drain, as well
but at least i can spell 'scuba'
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I poured the CUP down the drain, there was still wine in the bottle.
Submitted by ScubbaStieve (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It was good. Until he said he used the wine "from last night"... the one you said you poured down the drain?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
loq...
lock..
WTF does that meen?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:27:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this the same henry you buried the knife into on the egypt holiday?
man, he just don't stay down.
good show
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nigga's like Jason, only slightly more loquacious.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:29:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
PS. I'd fucking destroy your face, Director. But I'd be flashing the peace sign to the fans while doing so.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:27:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this the same henry you buried the knife into on the egypt holiday?
man, he just don't stay down.
good show
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
But I'm a peacenik. Shlongy doesn't fight...he's a lover.
==============================================================
SPPPPPPPPT!
==============================================================
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You have a problem with Jews or just with people who can punch your teeth down your throat without breaking a sweat?
==============================================================
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:25:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Muddy's right.
Female user on the day after Valentines, says she's single, talks potential sex with Shlongy and says she loves us all??
this post is on the edge of sausage-fest city.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
But I'm a peacenik. Shlongy doesn't fight...he's a lover.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it wrong that I read the first two sentences and thought this was going to be an erotic story?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dont you pretend the counselling worked, you could never forget me!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is bad-ass. Who knew?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:23:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh muddy you big girl
========
who are you and why do you keep addressing me?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Muddy, I posted this to let uberites know how much I love them, and even though I might not always say it: You guys are always in my heart.
Shlongy, we really do have to fight first.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd hook up with you Corrine, except for two things:
1) Yer kid. Been there done that. Nevar again.
2) You're batshit insane.
3) I'm batshit insane.
Three things. Whatever.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh muddy you big girl
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:20:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's a place to poop.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did you post this just so we'd have a place to camp?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So...???
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey whats with posting so much! are you the new sico?
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:18:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to see you're dealing with the break-up so well.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Single eh?
Oh, wait...I'm not...
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well.
food.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Could you guys guess that I'm newly single?! WOOHOO!
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All these girls with stories of love and killing.
It's no wonder we guys jack off.
Safety
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you, Corn Nugget!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not that I'm aware of.
I just know that "make up" sex rocks.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:12:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Were we fighting?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think we should have some "make up" sex.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You just keep beltin' 'em out, don't 'cha?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dammit, the dog went from "him" to "her", mid memory lol ARGH